scared

[poppadom]

Hm, I fell on the article about the effects a BPDmother has on a child. Oops I suddenly cried and recognised a lot of the remarks about what shame does to a child. I recognised my mother and I recognised myself. She tried to kill herself on more than one occasion, and eventually died from an accident, did she kill herself or not, it is supposed she did. She died when I was 9, I'm 48 and it bugs me still the effect she has on me. I feel, broken as if I have been emptied, an outsider an onlooker. I once tried to kill myself, babyblues turned into depression, I went through 5 years of anlaysis. I am proud to say it did me enormous good. A lot of things became clear. I am not in depression now. I recognise the symtoms, been there done that and I know the way there and back! But now, and the reason I surfed on mother & children, I am the mother of a 16 daughter, I am terrified of repeating, teaching my daughter. If my mother was BPD does that make me likely to be the same? I am a peculiar mix of utterly selfconfident and yet have very low self estime. I feel at war with myself to forget what I was told as a child, it's just there are times it all comes flooding back. Is healing continuous?

[Being Mindful]

Dear poppadom,



Good for you for reaching out. I'm sorry to hear how you suffered as a child and the effects you feel today. There is a ton of information to try and help sort this out. The only way to have a clear understanding or diagnosis of BPD is through a doctor or therapist. In the mean time, here is a link of traits that may help, but I'd encourage you to seek the opinion of a professional for your own assurance.

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

I can imagine how you feel at war with yourself and all that you were told as a child. I'm glad too that therapy helped you. Many of us here use therapy to manage and cope. Definitely healing it continuous... .  very much so.

How are you taking care of yourself? Do you still see a therapist?

Being Mindful

[poppadom]

I now realise I have the flu. The fever is making me wobbly. Normally I grit my teeth and get by. I am finding this website very useful. I read the posting 'my mother just died' and all the comments. OMG it all sounded so familiar. I realise I have spent years in denial, for many years I replied to the question, are your parents around with, I don't have a mother and I don't get on with my dad. Denial and resentment rolled into one. I resent my dad (they were divorced ) for abandoning us to her, and refuse to call her a mother. Mothers are not tyrants that terrorise their children. I resent society for not intervening and protecting us. I cannot say I loved her. I don't even feel sorry for her. She did not die immediately after falling in front of a car. She became paralysed and could not talk. She died a couple of years later. But she still managed to terrify us, even in her reduced state. Oh dear.

I have a wonderful second husband and a gorgeous daughter. It is the 'normal' interaction with her that rubs my nose in the dirt. I suppose I feel a lot of anger and resentment, so I shall slowly surf this website, and hopefully I will change. Till now the only way I have managed is by not looking it in the eye. Thankyou for this site.