How to not take it personally

[cal644]

I read time and time again that we should not take this personally.  I don't know how I can't take it personally, all the love and effort put into a relationship and just discarded so easily.  I have tried to throw a few white flags to try to reconsile or work on our relationship.  But all white flags are thrown in my face.  How can I not take this treatment personally after 19 years?  Sorry I'm learning but still will never fully comprehend the effects of BPD.

[Want2know]

Instead of thinking that you shouldn't take it personally, think of it as her behavior/thinking is something you cannot control or, at times, is not rational and has nothing to do with you.  This is what you need to not take personally.  It's about seeing her and the disorder, and understanding that this is who she is... .  there is nothing you can do about it.

The only thing for you to do is acknowledge how it makes you feel, explore those feelings, and then try to put them into perspective - 'let it go' and think about how to make your future one that is fulfilling without her.  

Grieving the relationship and detaching from the loss is a difficult process, especially after being married for 19 years and having children together.  :)o you feel you can 'let her go' and create a life without her as your partner?

[HostNoMore]

Hi cal,

Want2know really said it well.  You have to intellectually realize there was a mental disorder involved that governed your ex's behavior.  Once you accept this rationally, it will be much easier to not take personally.  Do you take it personally when you see a dog urinate on a fire hydrant? 

Of course, your feelings are a natural reaction to what you were subjected to over those 19 years.  Over time you will progress to a point of healing where a stronger and healthier cal644 will emerge.  Whenever you are feeling weak, reach out to the board or a trusted friend or family member.  This board is one of the few places where you will actually converse with people who really understand what you went through.

In my case, the second I learned of BPD my negative personal feelings evaporated towards my ex-borderline.  In fact, she raged at me for this.  Take your time to put the focus on yourself and your goals, and eventually you will reach the other side.  It's not easy and requires a lot of work to recover, but the results that you will achieve will astound you once you get there.  A borderline literally sucks the life force out of its victim.  Everything you are feeling is quite normal. 

[cal644]

I do want to let go - but at the same time I thought what we had was so special.  I know she is sick - and deep down I think she knows it too... .  I am doing better, but then have my days I struggle... .  I am starting to see that I can have a good and healthy life without her in my life.  But it still hurts so bad.  We had been together as a couple for the majority of both of our lives  22 out of 38 years.  It's hard to imagine that this person is gone forever.  But I pray that when I do fully move on I might find the love that I was always craving a deep emotional love.  This site has helped me more than I will ever know. 

[HostNoMore]

Wanting to let go is the most important step to begin the process of recovery.  To have spent that much time with someone makes it much more difficult too.

I can only imagine the hells you have gone through to have reached that decision.

[seeking balance]

Cal,

It is going to take some time... .  you were with her the majority of your life.  From what you have posted, you were happy until she left - I have not seen many posts of outrageous chaos over the last 19 years, only that she suddenly left.  As such, you were not been preparing for this, I mean, who does when they think they are happily married?

The same summer my ex and I separated, my best friend since we were 10 years old - well, her husband was killed in a car accident.  They had been married 17 years with 3 kids.  She didn't immediately say, "ok, time to move on" and nobody expected her to.

I tell you this story because, your world has suddenly changed without your control.  It is going to take time to come to terms with this... .  if your wife died, you would be gentle with yourself.  In a way, the wife you thought you knew has died - the one here and now is not the same as the person you spent the last 22 years with - is it?

Your wife is moving into a different phase of her life and so are you - it is going to feel personal because this is your life.  When we say not to take it personal, it is the actions - the maladaptive coping actions by her that make no sense when we are only trying to help.

Be kind to yourself

Peace,

SB