You might have given this person too much control over you. You are giving them way too much credit. It may be a good time to ask yourself why?
This person is going to make the rules for themselves. Mirroring.
You get to make the rules for yourself. Not following their lead.
Their rules don't have to be your rules. Your rules could be based on your values/principles. And if you were to do it over what would your rules (boundaries) be?
If i could do it over again... I would have left the fun house once I started to feel creeped out, while I was still painted white... . but that was four years ago.
It is only having gone through the funhouse multiple times... . was I aware that I had been brainwashed to keep coming back to the funhouse for more.
It is some malfunction of my own thought processess and emotional processess that I was not able to extricate myself from this unhealthy relationship. I did not want to listen to the voice of reason. I liked the bad mirror with flashes of the good mirror... . it reminded me of my childhood... . it was more comfortable to me. If people don't criticize me, how will I know what I need to improve on to be accepted?
Rationally, I researched BPD and I thought that I could figure it out. Not how to fix it, but how to be a good rs partner to her. It wasn't always this bad... . during moments of clarity, she told me she could feel it getting worse... . and that she was scared. I could tell when she was being authentic, and it was like a cry for help... . so she kept hooking me with her moments of clarity, being honest about her symptoms, expressing her emotions in healthier ways... . but that didn't stop her from threatening to kill me... . that didn't stop her from threatening to cut off my manhood... .
I sat there with my arm around her at her dad's funeral in late november. She moved in with me... . I encouraged it because I do love her and I thought she was going to kill herself. Serious. We wrote letters back and forth while she was in rehab. I visited her a lot of weeks and she gave me money for gas.
We talked about being a team and having goals, etc... . etc... . it seemed like although her disorder was getting worse, that she was fighting it with some cbt and aa meetings... . and I have just spent so much time with this person and I had a genuine connection to this person, and her connection to me was genuine in some sense... . as i've said her disorder has gotten worse over the years... . but maybe it has gotten worse before it will get better?
So it is especially hard for me to detach... . because I guess in reality it isn't so black and white. it feels better to sit here and paint her black and say it is hopeless, because the fact of the matter is that I believe she will eventually try to get better... . but that I need to move on for my own well being. It doesn't do her or I any good for me to sit her and wonder about it ever again.
So yes, this has been tough for me... . I have let go of a lot of my anger towards her for her behavior in the end. It is sad, and I did the best I could. I have a hard time letting go because it really wasn't this black and white. I see in grey, and when I met her, her disorder was not this bad... .
Her identity disturbances were so troubling... . her abandonment rage from her dad's death, combined with my mom's abandonment rage form her mom's death culminated in a quadruple-bind BPD death square. Painted black by both. Im really messed up right now... .
I have no mother or girlfriend anymore. I have hardly any healthy people around... . and I am having a hard time getting out and around healthy people... . I always seem to talk my way out of it, but I know it is good for me. I am worried about making a jerk out of myself... . trying too hard. I am not going to make new friends over night... . I just need to be around sane people again, you know? My business partner is a little off, and I need to be in face to face contact with healthy people to get better more quickly.
It feels like things are going to get better, but I am not doing a lot of the things that I want to do... . like go to the dog park, exercise more, etc... . I am so stressed out because one of my business partners has invested a lot of money and is about to go nuts on me... . i can feel the tension and I have no safety net... . with no family, no girlfriend... . etc.
So it;s particularly bad for me right now... . I was relying on my exBPD gf... . I thought we were going to work through things together, and I am very shaken to the core... . and due to all the makeups/breakups recycles, whatever... . it just compounded things... . each time it got worse.
In the end i put down my boundaries and kicked her out of my house after she really started to threaten me with false allegations, etc... . etc... I am trying to move on as quickly as possible.
in fact, i am forcing myself to move on... . Im trying to manipulate myself in to moving on at the same time as being self aware at what kept me stuck.
Using my love as emotional blackmail <-> made me feel like if i didnt do this, then i didnt really love her
Using sex as a hook <-> I wanted to take things slow after a breakup... . she would seduce me to get me back as her bf as quickly as possible.
Using my altruism as a hook < - > You never follow through with what you say you are going to do. You just want sex.
Fear <-> fear of my abandonment indirectly causing harm to her, somebody i love like a child not like a reciprocating adult that can give and receive care and compassion.
