Sex Question.

[Truth in Ruin]

Just wondering, Im an active male. My BPD gal was attractive. I lost ALL sex drive about midpoint of the relationship. I find it weird, because I love sex. did this happen to you guys?. Is it because I was turned off by her emotional rollercoaster? I just dont get it, because I was in a unheathy relationship with an alcoholic, and did not have that problem. 

[Truth in Ruin]

I guess what im asking is, is this normal in a BPD relationship?

[Leaf]

I lost ALL sex drive about midpoint of the relationship. I find it weird, because I love sex.

Hi Truth in Ruin, Your post made me think. I'm not a guy so it's a different situation and I can't really answer your question. But I recognize it somewhere. I broke up with my BPDbf about six weeks ago, after a period of NC we're LC now, just going out to dinner once in a while (LC as methadon, as someone in one of these threads says). Since a couple of weeks I've lost all sex drive as well and I also find that weird. I've always found him the most attractive man in the world and I still do, but I don't even feel the urge to touch him. Having to do without him sexually was one of the most difficult things about ending it. The first few times after NC when we met in public places it was very difficult not to go home with him. Now you mention this phenomenon I think it may have shut down completely to protect myself so he doesn't regain control over me. Maybe you were subconsciously protecting yourself as well.

[Iced]

As much as males may be tended towards having more than healthy sex drives, I would imagine that the notion of dealing with all the chaos of a BPD's world - no matter how attractive they are - would be more than enough to stifle sexual desire - even if it was subconscious.

If the person who is attractive wasn't someone you're in a relationship with, this may not necessarily hold true as perhaps fewer emotions are involved.  But if you're emotionally vested in the person as well as physically attracted, then concern - even subconscious concern - for them and their erratic behavior could very well - in my opinion - interfere with your sex drive and interest.

Used to be in a relationship with someone whom I very much enjoyed sexual contact with... .  but their tendency to play Rescuer with their friends and then consequently get themselves dragged into their lives and then unable to get out (which would later result in them ranting about the problem to me) was definitely a turn-off no matter how turned-on I could otherwise be for them.

It wasn't something I noticed at first, but when I really was honest to myself and did some introspection, I realized that that was what it was for me.  Partly because I was then concerned about their well-being and partly because I myself was concerned about my own well-being (since we socialized together as a couple, etc, and I was dealing with my own issues with having a close friend with BPD).

But maybe that's just me.

[maria1]

I stopped wanting to sleep with my ex when I started to see him as a child emotionally (after splitting and after gaining understanding of BPD).

To sleep with him would actually have felt very wrong. I was still attracted to him however. Don't know if that might have been part of it for you.

[trevjim]

Just wondering, Im an active male. My BPD gal was attractive. I lost ALL sex drive about midpoint of the relationship. I find it weird, because I love sex. did this happen to you guys?. Is it because I was turned off by her emotional rollercoaster? I just dont get it, because I was in a unheathy relationship with an alcoholic, and did not have that problem. 

I had the same kind of problem, she was stunning, and the sex was amazing, but i too lost my drive.

I put it down to being so stressed and tired from her BPD behaviour.

to be honest, only now after being out of the R/S for a while have i started feeling really lustfull again

[ramble on]

I lost my sex drive as well. I found it really difficult to be aroused and attracted to her after being raged at, my personality attacked and the silent treatment for several days. It was also  a little creepy because of the juvenile voice she used quite often and the emotional maturity level she exhibited. When I would start to get interested in sex again and wanting to initiate sex something would trigger her and she would paint me black again starting the cycle over again.Its been nearly 8 years since we have been intimate. Embarrassing  to say the least but at least I have finally figured out some of the co-dependency things I have obviously had. FOG to the max... .  Another reason I am leaving after 24 years.  Sigh... .  

[Vatz]

I can't say I lost my sex drive, but we weren't doing it very often. After she got on cymbalta, she couldn't climax (I got REALLY paranoid and assumed it was because I was deficient in some way. But more likely than not it was the drugs.)

When I knew she wouldn't climax I just sorta thought "eh, what's the point? Every time we do it I'll just feel like a failure, an ugly, half-man."

So basically MY drive didn't go away, but there was all this pressure and the fact that there was so much yelling and so many problems I just didn't really want to be near her sometimes. So I just took care of myself several times a day and didn't expect a thing from her.

[GreenMango]

Just wondering, Im an active male. My BPD gal was attractive. I lost ALL sex drive about midpoint of the relationship. I find it weird, because I love sex. did this happen to you guys?. Is it because I was turned off by her emotional rollercoaster? I just dont get it, because I was in a unheathy relationship with an alcoholic, and did not have that problem.  

It seems normal to me that not being treated with consideration or respect would be a huge turn off.  So much so that their attractiveness can't make up for it.

I think sometimes our bodies are more aware than our minds.

[Mountaineagle]

I can relate to losing sex drive at the end. Everything felt so wrong and I felt pain just being with her. I think sex is sharing energy and when the energy goes somewhere else the drive disappears. More oddly I find that I don't look at girls no more. I don't check their behinds as I used to. Now I look into the eyes. And I have NO desire for relationships of any kind with the opposite sex. I know that it will eventually return some beautiful sunny day.

[trevjim]

Just to add, my BPDgf at the time, didn't lose any sex drive, almost as if the drama and stress didn't effect her in the long run

[GreenMango]

Just to add, my BPDgf at the time, didn't lose any sex drive, almost as if the drama and stress didn't effect her in the long run

When conflict is someone's normal I can see how it wouldn't.  Conflict and drama can be like adrenaline and a barrier to real intimacy.  It goes to show you the differences in what you need (intimacy/safety/stabilty) versus what they need (disconnection/instability/conflict). 

[sunrising]

I was ridiculously physically attracted to my exwBPD and probably still would be if I saw her.  I'm only 2.5 weeks into our break, but my problem is I don't feel like I have much of a sex drive at all.  I'm hoping/ assuming this will pass soon.  I keep thinking it has to be a result of the relationship, looking back, being pretty similar to castration. We had sex regularly, and it was really good, but I now view the way I acted (complete doormat) as very unmanly and relate that to my non-existent sex drive.

[haliewa1]

My BPDexgf was unstoppable at the beginning of the relationship.  Once she began to detach and triangulate she would want to have sex but wouldn't really be as enthusiastic.  She said she was stressed and I know why since she was looking for another person to compensate for the inevitable breakup!

[GreenMango]

Haleiwa did the relationship have an effect on your desire/ability to be intimate with her?

[Truth in Ruin]

By the way, its not like i lost my sex drive all together. I just found that i no longer was attracted to her. It made me feel guilty about it. In all of my relationships, i became more attracted to my partner as time went on. But with the BPD gal. It was completely the other way around. Maybe i wasnt that attracted to her after all, or maybe her condition sealed the deal. Im not really sure. I was wondering if this happens alot while being with a BPD partner? 

[GreenMango]

Seriously I don't think its uncommon to feel that way especially if you're emotionally beat up.  What you are talking about was my experience. What I notice on leaving board is more of partners missing the "porn star" sex and hung up on that. Don't really know if its because the relationship never got to the point where the rollercoaster took its toll, or if its a situation where intense sex was more important than intimacy and stability.

I've read more of this difficulty on the staying board.  It's this or the lack of sex.

On side note depression isn't uncommon among partners.  This can kill a libido too.

[tnvol6]

I'm glad you posted. I though I was the only one. Seems like many people talk about the intense sex rather than lack of libido. I had the same problem. I just didn't want sex while I was with her. I think what made it so good in the beginning was the mirroring. I felt an emotional attachment to her. Once that was gone, the physical attraction only lasted so long before me emotional state took over. I like that the previous posted used "emotionally beat up." Thats exactly what it felt like and there's nothing sexy about that. And to add to that, she was upset about the lack of sex so that made things even more stressful. Anyway, thanks for your post

[OTH]

By the way, its not like i lost my sex drive all together. I just found that i no longer was attracted to her. It made me feel guilty about it. In all of my relationships, i became more attracted to my partner as time went on. But with the BPD gal. It was completely the other way around. Maybe i wasnt that attracted to her after all, or maybe her condition sealed the deal. Im not really sure. I was wondering if this happens alot while being with a BPD partner? 

The same thing happened to me. We quit having sex for awhile. I even became rather worried because I started finding other women really attractive. I am a really loyal partner. I would never consider cheating so I was bothered by my thoughts. I wished I would have ended it then. I just couldn't deal with her pushing me away anymore. We slept in separate rooms for awhile. She quit trying also. We had a breakup fight where I thought it was over but she turned on the charm and we had another idealization stage. My feeling passed and we started having sex again. We were actually mostly good after that until the real breakup happened and she moved out.