Song

[sunrising]

I'm 2.5 weeks into a break-up with a BPD partner.  In anticipation of today being a particularly rough day, I wrote a song.  

Nobody's Fool

I can’t trust a single word that flies from the pretty side of your mouth

The moment I stepped in that trap is right when things started heading south

You had me runnin in all directions

A blind cat chasin a messed up mouse

I turned the world upside down to prove to you that I should be your man

Found you standing on the other side with a brand new list of demands in your hand

You'd spin it like a top again,

and there I'd go a-runnin just as fast as I can

Chorus:

Then you split me black

Turned me into something I ain't  So you'd never have to look back

You broke all the rules

But not my heart and not my pride cause I ain't nobody's fool

Lookin back you’ll see the signs, at least that’s what the talk-to-me lady said

I guess it should have all been done when you found yourself in someone else’s bed

Waiter, she’ll have the fruit cake

and me I’ll have the heaping pile of regrets.

sunrising

[trouble11]

Great song!   Would love to hear it put to music. Maybe a YouTube?   One of my favorites is Happy Pills by Norah Jones.  Spent the better part of a day listening to that one over and over.  Hang in there spliting ... .  it gets better.

[sunrising]

Troube11, for some reason I can't open your profile to send you a private message. I have a recording of the song I can share you with you privately.  Please send me a message and I'll give you a link.

[Mountaineagle]

Wow! I admire you for having the energy to make songs. I'm a musician myself, and there is no way a song could emerge now. Maybe later when I don't hurt as bad as I do now. In my book your song is a serious accomplishment! Respect!

[sunrising]

Thanks, mountainaeg!... .     I've actually played 2 live shows since we split.  They were mostly in a haze, mind you, but my therapist and incredibly supportive friends and family have encouraged me to stay active.   It's been really hard, but it has helped.  I encourage you to play too. It has helped me feel "normal".  With all that said, this song took 2 weeks to write where I normally write one in an hour or 2.   Focus isn't my strong suit right now.   And writing this song didn't come without consequences... .     I post all my songs on Soundcloud and Facebook.    I did that today with this one but had to take it down.  I had blocked my ex on Facebook and de-friended her mom. I didn't think to block her mom.  Apparently my ex has been using her mom's Facebook account, at least today, to view my profile.  She started the day by sending me a message from her mom's account about "how hard today is for her" and "how she doesn't have the self-control not to be wondering what I'm doing, looking at pics of us, etc".  That message was quickly followed by one saying how much hearing the song hurt her and how she can't believe I would "publicly attack her character".  As usual, it's all about her.  Then her mom called me about 5 times in 10 minutes.  I finally answered, which I should have because her mom is also disordered. She asked me to take the song off Facebook because it was going to cause my ex to "have another breakdown".   I told her I would consider that and thanked her for calling.  I took the song off Facebook, which I now regret because my therapist pointed out this sends the message she/they can still control me.   I'll re-post it tomorrow.  Not out of spite, but to display I can't be manipulated. 

[Mountaineagle]

Music is very powerful. Its good for getting things out of your system. And it is healing in way. Every healing step has its uses. As I read the lyrics, you are angry. And you should be angry because it is healthy in certain ways, but it is easy to get "caught" in that step. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263 Use the power of music wisely and with caution. 

[sunrising]

You make a great point about anger.  I'm definitely experiencing anger  and depression, along with myriad of other emotions I probably can't pinpoint and describe. At this point, I am far more determined on controlling my behaviors rather than my emotions; staying with no contact, not resorting to alcohol abuse, not allowing myself to be recycled (she's trying), etc.  My dad has always taught me that the best way to control my thoughts/ feelings is by controlling my behavior.  So if I ACT like someone who is past the relationship, doesn't want to hear from my ex, etc I can eventually BE that person.  I realize there's more to the situation than behavior and that healthier thoughts/emotions are the ultimate goal, but for now I can at least act the way I want to be.   Dangerous?... .    With that said, the anger you sense is definitely real.  No acting there... .  

[Mountaineagle]

Aftermath of such a relationship is really confusing. Have you read the resources on the right side yet? It took a while before I had the energy to do that. There are some good directions there that will ease some of the pain as you will understand more. My emotions are running like wild storms, and I imagine you are on a similar roller coaster. Take your time and really take care of yourself, do good things to yourself. Express your feelings in safe ways. You don't want your song to be a hit and have to sing it every time on stage always remembering your pain.  I did that a couple of years ago and it is devastating to relive all the pain from breakup every time you go to work. And that was a normal break up. This is not. My advise to you is to make songs now as purely as you can express them and lay them away once you have finished them. And revisit the material later when you are ready.