So, I came to a rather startling discovery, an epiphany of sorts and I wanted to share it and also to get your opinion/s.
After a hideously awful BPD rage in which my partner completely lost it after I watched a television show alone, one that we normally watch together. It was all about broken promises, though the inciting incident was that I watched Spartacus without her.
I came to her and said, if I tell you something will you promise not to get mad? Not a very mature way to come clean about something, but the reason that I did it this way was that this is how my partner tells me things she's done wrong so I thought that she could understand and relate better. When she uses this tactic of coming clean it is used to divulge to me small blunders, like having a diet coke when her diet doesn't allow it. I always say well it's okay one won't hurt you, but if your doctor says don't have caffeine because of your ailing kidney then you probably shouldn't do it. She will say I know, and feel bad about herself and I will comfort her and say don't fret it babe it's alright. You've been good at keeping to the diet, just get back up on the horse and start again. I expected this reaction in turn when I admitted that I watched the show without her. It's a sexy show and I needed inspiration in a scene I was writing for my romance novel. It worked too consequently
It put me into the right frame of mind, raw and sexy and lust filled and I wrote a rather HOT scene
But to her it was a broken promise. Now I don't ever remember promising that I wouldn't watch it without her, I do remember saying sure we can watch it together, but on this one I will defer to her, because she seems to have a literal take on everything and remember exactly which conversation what was said. So I probably did promise her even if I don't remember. Well, it quickly escalated to a verbal assault of my character and how it's just one more broken promise. Uncontrollable crying fits, screaming and words like, "I don't know why I bother you don't care about me and you never loved me. I should just end it all."
I tried to explain to her that promises show intent and wholeheartedness of the person making the promise at that point in time in which they are making it, and that a broken promise of minor latitude such as watching a TV show shouldn't launch her rage into the stratosphere because the punishment doesn't fit the crime. I really meant that I'd watch the show with her when I made the forgotten promise. She didn't believe me.
I don't know if you all are like me and that when you try to explain something to your BPD loved one, you tend to make analogies. I bet many do. I think it stems from the Non-BPD's overwhelming NEED to get through to them, to know that they hear us but mainly so that we are understood, because the image of us that they are projecting is so far off the mark it isn't even remotely reality. That's how I feel anyways regardless.
So I explained to her that she has a pair of BPD glasses that she wears in all emotional situations, when looking at herself and when looking at me. Those BPD brainwashing glasses tell her that she is worthless and unlovable. Starting there, because that's the first thing those BPD brainwashing glasses tell her, then everything is processed through that like a BPD computer that sends messages to her brain that A) If self is bad then B) Non-BPD loved must be lying, could not be sorry, because if self is bad then non-BPD lover cannot possibly love BPD self.
EVERYTHING gets processed through the BPD Glasses and kiss and makeup can never occur. For kiss and make up to occur then BPD must believe that Non-BPD really is sorry and that the reason they are sorry is that Non-BPD loves BPD and the reason that Non-BPD loves BPD is that they don't see her through the limiting and loathing BPD glasses.
So what does a BPD do when they don't ever get real closure or understanding because of the BPD glasses? They put it up on a shelf and push it form thought, to deal with at a later day. Eventually though, after four years of doing this, that shelf gets fairly full and heavy and all those silly incidents that should have gone into the waste bin after a zesty kiss and make up session, are still there festering on the shelf and growing in size. Now the BPD person has a reference section, a library of proof to back up the simple message that the BPD Glasses told them... . You are worthless and unlovable... . You want proof? Just look at that shelf full of festering infractions.
This is where the epiphany came in... .
There is no clean slate. There is no growth. There is no moving beyond. The BPD is stuck there until they take off those glasses and then replace the brainwashing of that one simple thought to one that says... . I am worthwhile. I am something and my partner loves me.
If they could do that one thing, and really believe it then I think that if they took a second look at the shelf of festering infractions they might see that 90% of them don't belong there, and then with the remaining 10% that does belong there they could kiss and makeup and wipe that shelf clean and it would be a whole new world for both the BPD and the Non-BPD. A world of growth, both personal and as a couple and of learning, expression and self awareness and of empathy.
Does this even make sense? It fell on deaf ears... She needs help and I can't help her and it's frustrating to me because it seems so simple to me. She gets comfort from the BPD though and she is stubborn and unwilling to let it go. She coddles it. She's afraid. She doesn't know another life exists outside, one that doesn't saddle her with self defeating thoughts, one that doesn't involve her carrying her stack of past infractions encyclopedia to be used a reference against us and to support her BPD though of worthlessness. I love her. I want to help her. The shrinks she has seen suck, and then put her on meds that DO NOT work. I do love this person, but I feel as if our lives haven't even started.
I'm about to break up with up her. I spent hours discussing this very idea and got absolutely nowhere except threatened.
