He's moving out 'Again' Can I cope...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I mean can I cope with my health issues...

I know he should of never came back but now we are here again and it's so volitale... .  No talking really and I basically told him I'm seeing a T next week and what is he planning on doing?

He won't revisit that and said "I'm out of here... " So he has money to move and I can make it...    I told him i'm finding a roommate and he's gotta be the one to go this time.

This is so crazy... But how long can you live with someone that won't talk to you or respect the fact that you are REALLY sick?

He does try to help out and do little things but he doesn't see the big picture... with this illness... how can he.  He's so miserable and now so am I again...

[1bravegirl]

I mean can I cope with my health issues...

I know he should of never came back but now we are here again and it's so volitale... .  No talking really and I basically told him I'm seeing a T next week and what is he planning on doing?

He won't revisit that and said "I'm out of here... " So he has money to move and I can make it...    I told him i'm finding a roommate and he's gotta be the one to go this time.

This is so crazy... But how long can you live with someone that won't talk to you or respect the fact that you are REALLY sick?

He does try to help out and do little things but he doesn't see the big picture... with this illness... how can he.  He's so miserable and now so am I again...

[Surnia]

A big hug, Bravegirl! 

I hear your pain and vulnerability.

I am very glad you reached out to a T.

Do you have any other support beside him? Friends, neighbors, family?

[1bravegirl]

Yes,

I have a good support system and the T is right on time...

I hate having to deal with this but it has to happen.  He's packing now and a part of me is sad but a 'bigger' part of me is exhilerated!

It won't be easy but at least this time its happening the way it should of happened last time. Him leaving, and not me without a gameplan.

I didn't want this but I also didn't think it through...   How could I?  I'm mentally wasted in many area's. 

BUt not so much as to just accept that this is it for me...

Nope... I do have enough brains left to know I cannot live like this.  It's been  months now and i've gotten sicker... so, I wonder why?

I definitely have PTSD cuz he makes me so nervous inside and I can't blame him for that cuz I need to work through that I guess...

But I also know that I cannot feel any closeness to him wth all this anxiety and pain from the past and present that he refuses to even talk about now.

So he's moving out tomorrow and I'm putting my game face on and looking toward the future... .  with optimism and hope... and the reality of remembering how fleeting life is and to LIVE in the Moment...   How I long for this to pass quickly and as painless as possible... or should I say, as drama free'' as possible.

So far he's being cordial and saying a few things... that are not so nice...   changing up from here to there...

"One thing that will bring me satisfaction is knowing you're going to suffer... "  not so nice or cordial that day...    

Then today... I am not sad about anything...   I made a mistake coming back... ""  so true... We both did...   andn today he's just packing up all his kitchen items...

Just being able to move things around and get all my stuff out of my bedroom where i've basically had to live for the last 4 months is liberating.

He took over my desk, the livingroom, the fireplace. the kitchen and I was left with all my things in the bedroom... I couldn 't wait to pull them back out and put them in their proper place... Talk about control...   And I should of been so happy...     I could of came out of there anytimg I wanted to... so he says'.

Yeah, if I wanted to hear how to do it, why i did it that way... him coming behind me to do it the 'right way' and so much energy.  I chose to stayin my bedroom for sanity's sake...

So this chapter is closing... i'm a thinkin... 3 times will be a charm...

I know it takes a few times to finally leave an abuser so i'm not going to beat myself up on this... I'm responsible for a lot of this but I am only able to function so well after the r/s i've allowed myself to be in for over 2 decades... I have to remember that this is the best I had but I will get better slowly... .  

[1bravegirl]

I am so grateful for the fact that He finally 'agreed' to leave without too much drama.

He packed up his room yesterday and called his mom and found a place that he can move into on the 27th.

I am very glad to know it is happening this time the right way...  us here together, agreeing on what he take's what we both feel is right and he's willing to be reasonable to some degree.

I can't believe. well yes i can... that it takes this to get him off the couch and away from Nascar and his video games...

No motivation to look for work or to even go outside... Just stay in the house and control everything... This is the best thing that could of happened to US.

He and I both can really see how toxic we were for each other and he knows that... .  I can see how much at peace he is with just moving out and knowing he's got 10 grand left.

That is what is saving me...  he's got money and wont be in a bind...  I on the other hand will find a roommate and be just fine.

I feel more together this time and more enlightened ya might say...  so the reality of the situation and what lies ahead...  speaking from experience.

So it takes a few tries to detach completely from this type of r/s...  controlling, abusive, and all you've known... but eventually we can succeed... if we stay true to ourselves...   and I know for the last 4 months, living in my bedroom again, I was being anything BUT being true to myself... bad news...

Now I am already bringing items back in the livingroom and kitchen where they belong...   as he hums and packs...  amazing...  big sigh... inhale... .  exhale... .  inhale... .  exhale... .  Life is good... challenging but this had to happen I assume... for him and me to grow a little bit more and realize just how detached we already were... .  

[Changed4safety]

It is rare and positive when this can happen this way.  Please report in tomorrow--saying prayers that it stays healing and positive!  After some very dramatic moments, my ex and I finally truly parted on Dec. 14, in a very loving way, and I am very grateful for that.  He is doing much better in his life without me, I am faring less well, but will be OK.    You will be too!   

[Rose Tiger]

You two have shared so much living, good times and bad.  If it can be peaceful between you both, that would be so cool.    I like living in my house how I want to live.  No one working on me, it's peaceful.  Here's to healing and recovery, as quickly as possible for you.  

[lurchlookalike]

Good riddance 1BG, I'm old school I suppose and still think men should take care of their woman, not vice-versa. I don't have a lot of sympathy for someone that hurts other people, does it intentionally, knows it is wrong, and keeps doing it over and over again. Regardless of what label one puts on it and what particular form of craziness it may be. This is more mean than crazy to me, or at least a fairly even combination, including a high degree of immaturity. Men who have stepped up to the responsibility plate would see your situation as incomprehensible, although I know it is real hard to get out, no doubt.

I do have a lot of sympathy for you however, you've lived up to your screen name in every way. Take care, and good luck moving forward.

You seemed happiest when you were close to nature, taking hikes, and had your little doggies nearby. You're a sweetheart too.

[1bravegirl]

Thank you both so much for the support...   I will always remember how you both have been here for me thru so much...

He's packing up the uhaul as i type this and asked me... How much it would take to be done with me forever... 'the nerve huh?'

Due to me asking about spousal support...   He asked me that.  So I said...   he can pay his 2 weeks worth of bills here and give me 1,000.00 so I can have a little leway for a roommate.

He actually agreed and had the nerve to ask if we could be together one more time...    AS IF!  I respectfully replied... um. no...   looser...   I said... "lets' not muddy up the water's anymore... umkay? ... .    

So, I feel kinda sick to my stomach but know it will be better after tomorrow... I'm still kinda in shock that he actually got his butt up and is doing this.   God is good.

That's all I can say.   I know this is what it will take to help him make his way in life.  The dynamic's with us has always been him allowing me to control the responsible stuff while he controls my environment and keeps me in the backroom somewhere...   at least the last several years have been like that.

Before he'd smoke weed and stay in the backroom and i had the run of the house... but his illness progressed and he wanted to control every aspect of the house except my room...   so much illness and meanness, as you said lurchlookalike...   Crazy does  not cover all of this...  

But It's almost over now... I can tell he want's this too and is trying to be cordial/ (with his personal agenda in mind) but regardless, I know in my Heart... this is the last go round...

Kinda sad really, to see him look half way decent when he's flexing his muscles...   before they completely atrophy...

He still is handsome and has some money so i'm thinking he'll be ok.

He's made his way on his looks for so long it's a good thing for him he hasn't completely lost them...   but he better hurry up cuz

time is NOT on his side.

I won't be worrying about him though... I have so much to think about for my own life and it won't be easy but it will be so rewarding...

Here's to tomorrow...   one more day of him here.

He actually lowered himself and finally   the first time EVER, slept on the couch when i said it's either that or a hotel.

I thought i was dreaming... exh actually on the couch with his 220lb body... .    good for you!

I slept very good in my bed... without having drama next to me... .  and plan on sleeping that way for many many years to come.

He's moving his big BBQ'r now and I'm thinking he should just stay at a hotel tonight right? 

This is a bit Awkward... .     suggestions?  I'm hangin though...   need some chamomile tea... .    or xanax... .    1bg

[1bravegirl]

Thank you Changed...

I didn't see your post.   I feel exactly the same way... We are poison for each other...   the dynamic's are too deeply engrained and as toxic as they come.

I don't like him and he think's i'm an object to be used and abused when he feels the need...     it's been this way for years...

I am so glad he's leaving and making it seem as if He's in charge... so he can cope with this...   He said he didn't want the humiliation to leave again but i reminded him...

"Isn't it more humilitating to live this lie?  and be so miserable with me?"  I'll take humiliation for another break up any time...

I guess he thought about it and finally did something about it yesterday...

Today he's being very polite at times...   and has offered to give me 1,000.00 to be on his way and not have to worry about any spousal support.

Im thinking that I should take the money and run since dealing with him in anyway is what got me back into this mess in the first place.

He asked me to nver never never call him again and I said 'no problem... ditto... "

It still feels surreal but stings a little bit too.

I am kinda numb right now but looking forward to not living in a small room anymore that.s for sure.

Thanks again and I pray you too will be just as good as new asap!

love 1bg o

[1bravegirl]

He's packing up the UHAUL for the 3rd time in 3 yrs and I know/ we both know this is all she wrote.

I feel so shaky inside to know after all these painful years, it's finally coming to a close...

Being alone for 3 yrs was hard at times but it's the only time I can remember I was happy and able to be me or even find out what that looked like.

So i'm welcoming the change and hoping to finally be wise enough and strong enough to figure out this thing called 'my life' at 49.

I'd say it's high time to start living huh?  30 yrs is long enough...

[Changed4safety]

49?  You're the same age as me!  Ride out whatever you are feeling, it is OK, if you're numb or if you're grieving or happy... .  just try to be with it for right now.   

[trouble11]

Oddly enough ... .  I think a bunch of us are 49, or close to it.  What's up with that?

[ricky rick]

Dam it! Im only 47... .  LOL!

[1bravegirl]

It's a good age to wake up and smell the coffee and still feel young enough to do something about it!

I am alone now... He left today and didn't look back. 

I got the dogs in the truck and out we went to the dogpark, after cleaning up the mess he left behind.

It feels so surreal... One day he's here and it seems like i'm stuck again in the 7th circle of hell and just like that...   He packs up and he's gone...    so weird.

But im not complaining... just kinda stunned and trying to exhale and go with this. even the dog is like... where'd he go? cats too.

so sad but so necessary...   i'm just going to mentally shut down for tonight and veg out...    thanks guys...    xo

[1bravegirl]

He left...   He didn't even need to stay after all.  He packed up the Uhaul and out the door he went... About 1pm...   he was gone.   Just like that.

Didn't look back, pass go, collect 200 dollars...  

But I did collect 1200.00 from him and hopefully the check will clear...

And now i'm just regrouping and allowing my head to stop spinning.  What a crazy past 4 months this has been.

I know this time will be so much better, I'm working part time... I have a little money saved... .  I am getting stable health wise and just feel emotionally stronger surprisingly.

So just being in my house with the comfort of not having to worry about everything... I have 2 cords of wood and my animals and good friends and a loving God that will keep watching over me...   what more can I ask for.

I'm praying He will make his way successful as he usually does when we're apart... But together he can't find it inside him to do what it takes to stay upbeat and out of a depression.  It's so weird but not my job to try and figure that one out any longer... never really was, I know.

but now it's all about my own personal growth and time to really be a big girl... Noone to make me dinner or bring me my coffee. At least not this year.

I know that one day I will find someone very loving and respectful and I'll be in such a better place to offer them something awesome in return.  I'm a long way off from that but the hope of a better life is a pleasant thought...  

[1bravegirl]

Talk about some amazing Wisdom...  

Quote

I created this monster and just want to be in a healthy place again.

You did not create this monster, you had hope because you loved him and he was doing what abusers do, saying the right thing and working your trust in order to believe him, again. Whether his manipulation of you was intentional, or just how he "do" is not the point, the point is, the man is capable of hurting you. The reality is-sometimes it takes time to realize this and then the other is acceptance that because you love him, he is capable of pulling the wool, one more time.

Now that you know what you know, gave it your best shot, listened with a compassionate Christian heart to the possibilities that he was working on his issues and on the road to recovery, and you tried again. It didn't work but girl, it is not your fault, it is only your lesson.

Now, about that depression and sadness... .  

you have been through some MAJOR LIFE ISSUES, a near death experience due to your health, limited finances, a job ending, a beloved pet dying and a move.

Right now, your spirit is probably saying, "okay Lord, I get it, this girl is humbled enough, where is the lesson"?

And slowly the lesson is revealed.

I read your posts 1BG and you know, I read a life of a strong, independent woman coming to terms with the violence served upon her, I read the life journey of a survivor.

So if right now, you don't feel so strong... and given ALL you are going through... .  who would?

So, remember to love on yourself, think of all your strengths, acknowledge you have been through stressful events, remember you will get through this, and trust in the process. Breathe, just breathe... .  

Please keep posting about your rental assistance and I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time... I wish it were easier. Remember BREAKING FREE is never easy, NEVER.

Just this week was my daughters wedding... it was beautiful, exH behaved very well and then after it was all over and no one was around and we were cleaning up the hall... .  he corners me and all hell breaks loose.

Now up until that point, my heart was full thinking, maybe he is changing, my hope began to rise that maybe this time his better nature would continue, and as I hoped this, that old feeling of why I loved him returned...

It is just that easy 1BG, just that quick, to have our heads and better instincts turned ONE MORE TIME.

This is what I have learned, that there is a part of me that will always, always be drawn to him. That a part of me will always have this hope or wish for his healing, for a happy ever after, because I am driven that way.

And with this realization comes the knowing, it will NEVER happen, not with me. And life is far too short to wait and see what happens.

Your exH is disturbed, he is disordered,and once again your tender heart and loving ways gave him a chance. You did not create the monster 1BG, it is NOT your fault.

Take care,  

C

 

He didn't give notice & I can move back Please Advise...

« Reply #56 on: September 12, 2012, 06:10:17 PM » Quote  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1BG,

   I totally agree with C12P21, and want you to know we all care and want your happiness and well being.  

With all my love and hoping your mood improves.  Art  

Back to the present... Feb 15th 2013... .   

I didn't read this post until just today due to not being able to even contemplate getting on this website out of sheer breakdown of spirit and total exhaustion...  and in the interim I allowed him to return once more!

So that really drives the point home like never before...  This is from last Sept and I am so comforted by their words at this very moment due to my situation turning another corner once more... Talk about history repeating itself.  Amazing the degree of this illness...

This hasn't been easy to break free from and just like C said... .  I too have had that feeling of being drawn back in too easily if I think he's showing any signs of changing or the crazy notion of 'what if?'  What if he's better this time...  NO!  There is no better for us.  not now  not ever.

We have to say goodbye and be done with the chemistry that we have felt for each other for far too long...  sick chemistry mixed with pleasure and pain.  more pain than anything else... and its finally time to NOT look back.   ever.

thank you both so much... .  

[GreenMango]

1BraveGirl,

I noticed that you had posted recently on trying to get back together and it looks like it didn't work out.  I'm very sorry to hear this.  

Since there has been a long history with this man maybe working through the lessons here on leaving will help.  All that dancing gives you a bit of insight.  From your old posts after you left and reestablished yourself you sounded like things were looking up... .  and then you guys got back together (I know this story personally I lived it too)

If you were to place yourself on the Attachment Leads to Suffering Detachment Leads to Freedom Stages (right hand margin towards the top -----> over there and up) where would you place yourself?  1, 2,3, 4, etc and why?

I'd like to ask you a very important question because I've been in this place you are at and a good friend asked it of me... .  What are going to do differently this time?

[GreenMango]

It's good you have empathy for him and wish him well on his way.

So what's next for you? 

[1bravegirl]

Fight any urges to ever contact him or allow myself to get sucked in again... .  

How you say do I do this successfully? Well, I'm going to stay determined to have my life back permanently.

I allowed him to come here again after being away this last time for almost a year and I didn't even agree to him moving in.  He just came!

And that's what happens if I even attempt to talk to him in any way shape or form.  He see's it as an easy out.  easy sex, easy life for him...   forget what it does to me... and he comes runnin.

I for my part wasn't the same person this time and didn't even realize how much I'd truly grown apart from him and detached almost completely from him emotionally.

I got sicker with him here and just shut down the same way he does... So we were both in shutdown mode and neither one of us had the backbone to admit it was a HUGE failure to repeat this madness.

So a few months into it and I had to just say... .    I made a mistake... I was very sick with pre addisons disease, not enough cortisol or any other essential hormone to even think properly and called him out of mental illness...   basically. Just panicked or started to miss him for a split second and then before I knew it he was driving up here with all of his stuff!

I asked for this mess unintentionally but I have to remember what happens and how he thinks.There is no reasonableness with him once he see's a way back in.

NOw after  months of complete misery for both of us, I'm thinking he may be finally ready to move on also...   There was no easy out here, easy sex or easy anything else.  I was totally detached from him and stayed in my room for 4 months.

Even when I could of been on the couch with him, my body still wouldn't let me.  PTSD is very real and I just didn't have it in me to be close to him.

Besides the fact that every time I tried he shut me down with his bad abusive and very rude behavior so I couldn't win for losin.

So I guess I can read this post everyday with the understanding that I am moving forward regardless of my own convenient amneshia or my selective memory recall.

I have to move forward if I ever want to start to live any type of decent life and not just exist to say " BG was here... "

No! I am a living, feeling, breathing, happy, loving humanbeing that has soo much more to offer than just being a prisoner in her own mind and home! figuratively and literally!

So I will go thru the lessons and gleen what I can from them but really... I think this was the final lesson I needed to really let go.

I mean, 25 yrs married this July and 3 yrs before that dating; it would reasonably take some effort to break this pattern of abuse and my own stinkin thinkin.

At 49, buried both parents after caring for them both, now being able to really... let go of a very long arduous journey of a marriage without any regrets whatsoever... I just don't have energy to feel regret, What I do have though is energy to learn from the choices I made and why I made them and what will make this time better.

Not acting on impulse and not letting fear of failure or change overtake me.

I see that with my illness of not making enough cortisol, you can't tolerate stress, even in small doses so that created this pattern this past year or so.

I left without any gameplan after he moved up here without me saying "yes dear, please come and move in." NO...   He just showed up.

Me with no backbone or wanting to conveniently live in a dreamworld let him do it.

So that wouldn't happen again.  I'm not a dreamer anymore... At least not that way.

I also realize that this last time I left here I felt no other way out. He wouldn't leave so I had to rush out the door in order to survive and keep breathing, or so I felt.

It killed me physically and mentally and I ended up embarking on one of the hardest years of my life... filled with pain, hospitalization, poverty, losing my best friend. one of two beautiful big dogs and just feeling so completely broken.

Finding my way back to this home after he finally agreed to leave 7 months later and now after 4 months of him returning, only to do it all over again and be more miserable than the last time we tried this... .    lessons to be learned...   All very valuable lessons.

And not just for me but for him too... He had a somewhat sigh of relief on his face as he packed up the last of his things and drove off and I felt it too.

I really think he's also came to the realization that we are not compatible and never really have been.  He's a worldly type of guy that really doesn't want to change and I'm more of your fun loving but very high moral kind a girl.  He's all control and serious and what's in it for me and i'm more, let it go and how can I help someone else...

We are so different, worlds apart really and we just didn't know how to break the chain of events... But I think we're done now.  I know I am.

I am pretty certain he may be as well.

So just living this for so long has helped me appreciate everything I have now and just how well this last one has turned out.

I'm in my home...   enough money to buy some time to find a roommate or whatever... have a part time job even with a bad right arm from a horrible fall in April, that needs surgery.  torn tendons and bicep muscle...   and I still found myself a parttime job for a surgeons office 5 minutes away doing managerial work and no blood pressures or runnin around for 8 hours...

So that right there is way better...   I feel stronger emotionally like I am going to be ok now.  I am not as carefree and happy like before but maybe i'm just more mature now?  I am looking forward to doing a lot more laughing and horsin around but I also am determined to be successful now at making my life a happy one and one I can be proud of and not ashamed of.

Allowing myself to let my h back in my home knowing how abusive he's been and how he hasn't done the work to change was very embarrassing and humiliating for me.  I didn't do it for purely selfish reasons or out of fear, of course the niave side of me still wanted to be hopeful that we can make it work and not of wasted 25 yrs for nothing... but it wasn't for nothing.

Its taught me so much about myself and how much I have needed to grow up and stop making excuses...   He will have to do his own soul searching but for me... I'm feeling pretty ok.  A little sad but more ok than sad.

So any other suggestions are so welcomed and appreciated.

I see my T again after 8 mos vacation due to all the health issues I've endured and I can't wait to reestablish that r/s.

And get back to my Christian meetings regularly and just start to visit friends and live my life.  I've been saying this for the longest but something has always kept me stuck.  I think that something was my mind and the r/s and still being paralyzed by my own fearful thoughts.

I am going to make that a priority to work thru in T and get past all of this and be a success story.  A promise to myself for working so hard to stay sane for so many years...

comments welcomed.

Love 1bravegirl

[GreenMango]

Often times this type of relationship is a no-win.  Or can't win for losin.

What was the driving force behind reuniting?

What step in the Lessons and the Detachment stages do you see yourself in?  

[1bravegirl]

Brilliant minds...

I'm going to read them manyana... I promise...  I'm so tired now after the stress and anxiety of him packing up everything today and leaving.  It all was somewhat unexpected even though I asked him to move and gave him 30 days.

He actually refused and then before I knew it was packing everything up.

So my mind is definitely on overdrive and I need to calm it down and just chill... .   chill... .  out.

And read more about this manyana...   seriously though... Thank you SO much for such an important question.  What will I do differently?  Priceless... 1bg

[GreenMango]

I'm going to read them manyana... I promise...  ... .  



And read more about this manyana...   seriously though... Thank you SO much for such an important question.  What will I do differently?  Priceless... 1bg

I am going to hold you to this 1bg.  It's out of genuine care.

[1bravegirl]

More growing and insight through my own personal inner work with the help of my Faith and my Therapist.

I know I have a lot to learn from all of this and it does take two to tango... .    and I have permanently removed myself from the dancefloor.  took off the dancin shoes and are ready to learn a new dance.

One that is not dysfunctional any longer and has self respect in the forefront of the process.

Learning how I allow myself to return to this place and do all I can to not repeat the cycle again.  Bad health has certainly contributed to my faulty thinking and unwise decisions and thankfully i'm feeling more stronger now and that will for sure work in my favor.

Thanks again for the great question.  Love 1bg

[1bravegirl]

Thank you... I am glad you will.  A promise is a promise...

I'll elaborate on what I will apply to myself soon...   Sincerely 1bg 

[1bravegirl]

Day one of waking up and feeling better already.

I was a little out of it last night but then started to clean everything up and get all my items that were previously stuffed in my closet so he didn't have to see them, now they are in the second bdrm in order but allowing me to have access to my clothes closet... .  

I have the place feeling and smelling better already and this is how I actually feel...  

I feel like I can breathe now.  It's like, God allowed him to come back to set me up right this time... and then leave again leaving me much better off and in peace and with 1200 bucks to stay afloat for a minute while I figure this out.

Working part time will help tremendously and my Pre Addisons symptoms are feeling better already! amazing...

So overall, the house is all clean and smells even better and my mind is next!

So i'll be ok...   The animals even seem more relaxed today... yesterday they looked perplexed.  It's starting to feel more peaceful already.

This time will be so much better... .  

[Changed4safety]

I am excited and happy for you reading this.   

[Salut]

So glad to see you back, 1BG!  You were going through so much when you stopped posting.  I can totally understand how your H ended up back in your life.  I know it was rough but I'm glad he was there for you a little when you needed it.

You guys have had a connection, it just needs to evolve into something else.  Too much control there.  Eventually those 25 years will morph into something that no longer feels like regret.  Change and growth just seems to be painful for some of us.  Growing pains I guess.  Like when we were kids.  Some had them, some didn't. 

How are you going to look for a room mate?  I'm thinking about that kind of thing a little.

[GreenMango]

1bg good morning/afternoon ... .  You promised me you would read the detachment stages and let me know where you feel you are at and why.    

Happy to hear you are feeling better and the fresh air/walking is helping.  In that spirit let's continue with this theme and take advantage of the lessons and the moment.

[At Bay]

You say so many wise things, 1BG. I'm glad this has an outcome that leaves you strong and hopeful. Feeling good where one lives is everything, and I continue to tell myself to plan, and all the while, aging takes its toll. You are at a wonderful age!

You've been through a lot, but learned so much, and I like it that the relationship ended with the best possible outcome.

It is so great that at the same time, you have a doctor who is helping you manage the symptoms and be active, so you can do the things you feel like accomplishing now. With a comfortable home and environment, it will get even better, I think.

Still enjoy hearing about your walks!

[1bravegirl]

You guys are wonderful... .  

I am glad to be back and I do feel so blessed to be in 'almost' one piece at the end of the day.  a 25 yr day... .  uggh.

But no regrets for sure... Only time to grow up.  I was up this morning feeling so happy and relieved... and still sad that he is now the one to put forth a lot of effort to recreate his life.  I know how that feels and it ages you fast.  So i'm not happy that he's needing to do that but it's probably the only way he'll have a chance to keep growing as well. But for now... .  better him than me !  right?  I did it too many times... I guess that's why I feel empathy for him.  In a balanced sense though...

I am ready to focus on me now and get healthy.   Can you copy and paste a link to the lessons your talking about?  or i'll search for them if that isn't an option.  But not to worry... I am all about strengthening myself to stay together and finally be a grown up here. at 49 going on 50 in Nov...  too much...

Here's my morning... I'm so proud of myself... .  

and What a great morning this is.  I got up, one of my closest friends

stopped by to check on me thinking i'd be kinda down... Nothing of the sort.

I am feeling so relieved and started to gut every room!

Made myself Bacon and eggs for everyone! Dog and kitties too!

And didn't even burn myself (that bad... )

Last time I moved up here to the mountains I attempted to cook bacon and poured grease in a container that was too small, burned my hands trying to move it and the grease popped in my eye and on my face...

I thought to myself... "well no wonder I don't cook... " hahaha

I allowed xBPDh to cook everyday for the past 10 yrs now and it costed me dearly.

But today it's like i'm fearless.  I remembered how my grandma cooked bacon and egg's and left the hot bacon grease in the iron skillet and then put the eggs right in and cooked them sunny side up with the spatula pushing the hot grease over the top...  they turned out so good.

I only broke one egg yolk...  

So now i'm getting ready to take a shower and get er done!  I have created a mess in every big room unfortunately so I think i'll be here a while...

But I don't feel sick... .  hmmm... .  I see a connection there. I don't feel super great either but i'm moving in the right direction.

So after I pondered on my newfound ability to cook bacon pretty effortlessly... I thought to myself.  OMG>>  I'm finally growing up!

That's it! I've been catered to for so long as a child, then these unhealty r/s with abusive men (2 of them married them both) and then my caretaking of parents that was anything but balanced... hindsight.  even though I loved them so much.  Still No time to focus on me and my ability to care for me and mature in my own head.

But that's where last year comes into play. And the 2 yrs before that when I embarked on my first move up here and then the hardest struggling year of my life last year living in poverty and losing my beloved husky... and then gettin so sick and being hospitalized and then falling and almost breaking my arm the next month. (march and then april 2012... ) and now still needing surgery for tendon tears on R arm... )  so many pitfalls that I probably created, some were unavoidable... but I was living on impulse and not thinkin it through...

some of that was low cortisol, some of that was just emotional immaturity.  The combo is a killer.

So now...  I'm growing up for real this time... oh boy... as my mom would say when she was happy about something...    

It's going to be a good day... .  one day at a time... what am i saying... it's already a good day.

I'm trying to really stay 'In the moment' and be more mindful of every second I have to enjoy my life and feel pleasure from the smallest of things I experience; just writing this now and seeing so much progress in my life through all the muddy waters around me...   the water is becoming clear and fresh and actually drinkable... .  and that is amazing to me.  My arm hurts! But one bite at a time. This was ONE BIG elephant...

Love you guys and thanks for still being there.  amazing.  o