TPO Denial

[OverHer]

It's been a while since I've been on this site but I am hoping for some advice.

My Mother is up to her old tricks again I had finally had enough of her consistently ignoring my request for no contact (I haven't talked to her or responded to her in years) so I met with legal counsel who told me that I needed to file an order of protection against her. I have been avoiding doing this for about 5 years now-despite her history of being physical, verbally abusing me and showing up at my door unannounced I just really didn't want to have to resort to legality and I also thought that no one would believe me anyway since the things she does are certifiably crazy.

Legal counsel helped me file the paper work and assured me that everything would be fine. Today the judge denied my request for an order of protection. I really feel like there is nothing I can do to stop the harassment.

[frankief]

Did the judge explain why he denied the request?

It could be you need more hard evidence. What did your lawyer say?

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I know when my mother tried to get an order of protection against my uBPD dad that she was denied. She had voicemail recordings and emails with him threatening to "get" her and "make her pay". I thought all his behavior was incredibly frightening and violent, but the judge didn't think it rose to the level of a protection order because he hadn't actually assaulted her yet. Messed up.

[OverHer]

The lawyers said there was plenty of 'evidence' since they helped me fill it out. The judge didn't talk to me-I had to talk to someone who worked for the courthouse and they said that even though there was a lot of evidence that at this time a order of protection was not warranted and they suggested I just write a letter to my Mom instead.

[BiancaRose]

That is really irritating and frustrating. Write a letter to your mom? For real? 

I think the courts and the legal system fail to understand the level of harassment a parent can put her adult child through, or the level to which abusers' tactics can be incredibly damaging and disruptive even when they don't involve physical violence (at this particular moment in time). I would really favour greater awareness throughout the legal system and law enforcement.

[redroom]

That's screwy... .    Why not throw in a hug while you're at it?   

I'm not an attorney, and I've never dealt w/ this situation myself (thankfully), but when they say to write a letter to your mom, could that have been misinterpreted by whoever told you that?  Maybe the judge said something along the lines of "the mom wasn't properly notified that her behavior was unwanted or even harassment."  Maybe your mom's defense is that she claims that she had no idea that what she was doing was harassment or that she went too far, and that she was just trying to talk to you. 

The letter could be a step they feel you skipped.  Maybe you're supposed to notify her that you don't want contact, and if she still continues after that, then you could try again for a TRO saying that her behavior continued even after you were clear that you didn't want contact. 

[OverHer]

Yes, I think what you're saying is true. About 5 years ago, I made it clear to her that she is not to contact me and this was the last time that I actually 'spoke' with her. She has continued to contact me, so every time she does, my Dad gets involved and tells her that she is to stop.

The courts told me to send a certified letter requesting that she stop contacting me in any way because then she would have to sign for the letter-and there would be record that she received it (even if she just ignores it, which of course she will). I told the people at the court that I'm really uncomfortable doing this though because I am fearful of retaliation and also since it has been years since I have contacted her, I am so uncomfortable doing so now. Which is exactly why I wanted the no contact order.

Catch 22?

[P.F.Change]

I'm sorry your request was denied. That must be so disappointing and frustrating.

Let your L draft and send the cease-and-desist on your behalf, if you choose to send it. Continue to record any attempts she makes to contact you. You can forward any mail to your L for him/her to open and file... .  same for e-mail.

It really stinks that it has to come to attorneys and courts... .  hopefully hearing from your L will either get her to leave you in peace or give you the documentation you need to secure a RO the next time you file for one.

What kind of retaliation are you afraid of? Can you make a plan for each scenario so that you feel more prepared and secure?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[OverHer]

I'm sorry your request was denied. That must be so disappointing and frustrating.

Let your L draft and send the cease-and-desist on your behalf, if you choose to send it. Continue to record any attempts she makes to contact you. You can forward any mail to your L for him/her to open and file... .  same for e-mail.

It really stinks that it has to come to attorneys and courts... .  hopefully hearing from your L will either get her to leave you in peace or give you the documentation you need to secure a RO the next time you file for one.

What kind of retaliation are you afraid of? Can you make a plan for each scenario so that you feel more prepared and secure?

Wishing you peace,

PF

I think that what I am most afraid of in terms of retaliation is physical violence, based on her history. Unfortunately even though there is a documented history of that towards me, the courts still don't think that the threat is real.

[P.F.Change]

Yes, that is worrisome, especially with a history of violence. What steps are you taking or could you take to protect yourself from a physical attack? (e.g., self-defense training, carrying a weapon, varying your routine, alerting security at your workplace, installing a burglar alarm, etc.) Do you have a safety plan in place?

PF

[OverHer]

Yes, that is worrisome, especially with a history of violence. What steps are you taking or could you take to protect yourself from a physical attack? (e.g., self-defense training, carrying a weapon, varying your routine, alerting security at your workplace, installing a burglar alarm, etc.) Do you have a safety plan in place?

PF

I notified my employer (humiliating!) because I work alone in an office and am there very early/very late when it is dark. I have started carrying pepper spray also and I suppose that is all I can do at this point and hope for the best.

[tryintogetby]

I'm so, so sorry!

Many times I visited the "leaving" boards for advice on how to protect myself legally in situations like this.  They gave me a few tips

1) record every phone conversation

2) carry a digital recorder in your pocket

3) document everything (witnesses may help)

4) ask the judge again and again and again.  I put that in there, because kids of BPDs typically don't do this.  We don't want to be a "bother," and we fear asking for what we need, because we are internally sure we'll be belittled and not believed.  I'm SO PROUD OF YOU because this had to be a massive invalidating trigger. Do what the judge said.  Send the dadgum letter, and then try, try, try again to get the protection order.  Your safety is important, and is worth fighting for.