Controlling Behavior

[martillo]

Question

Is controlling behavior a part of BPD?  I have seen documentation that it is not a part of BPD and other documentation that controlling behavior is a BPD feature.

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[waverider]

Neediness is a part of BPD, which is a form of passive controlling.

Ironically they want you to control things for them, but when you take on that role they snatch it back out of fear of being controlled.

There are degrees of this though, higher functioning will hold on to control more.

NPD's have very strong controlling needs.

[tundraphile]

I think this goes back to early childhood, being raised commonly in a love-deprived environment.  At best a conditional-love environment.

In their mind, no one will ever do anything for them , or do anything they want simply because the other person loves them and wants them to be happy.  The conclusion is that the pwBPD or NPD has to make them do these things.  As they get older, they become more sophisticated in the ways they can mold their environment so that those around them do their will.  It is much more than just demanding something.

In the end it can become explicit emotional blackmail of their spouse or children, or more subtle yet no less controlling behavior to force others to do what they want.  Fighting the subtle control then leads to the explcit control.  But control is always there.

Examples of this more passive control would be if a BPD husband doesn't want to spend $$$ on something his non-wife wants, he might make sure the bank account is drained continuously, knowing his responsible wife won't spend money they don't have (on her stuff).

Or perhaps a BPD wife wants her husband to be a maid and nanny.  She would then constantly have "appointments" at convenient times that would prevent her from picking up the kids, forcing dad to do so.  And then some of her friends may always be dropping by soon after she gets home, meaning dad now at home with the kids he just picked up also scrambles to clean the house since she is not there. 

It constantly puts the non in an awkward and stressful position.  The non-wife above could maybe go buy what she wants, but then she worsens the family finances.  The non-dad above could let his kids sit at practice, but then he is the bad father who leaves a messy house when her friends arrive.  The pwBPD (w/NPD traits) then is able to blame

The solutions to someone unfamiliar with BPD (w/NPD traits) are obvious: if the guy spends money, split the accounts.  Tell the wife to reschedule her appointments and clean the d*** house if she wants her friends over.  But as we all know, doing that is like waving a red flag in a bull's face.  They want that confrontation sometimes, as it allows them to project all their stuff onto the non and they feel justified in controlling this "irresponsible" person through explicit means.

[martillo]

Hmmm... .  lots to think about in Waverider and Tundraphile's replies - Thank you! - uBPDh, high functioning, w NPD traits and active alcoholism - not sure how to address his increasing controlling behavior.  Al-anon has helped me w detaching and letting go of lots of stuff, but his need to control everything and everyone and every situation is about to make me crazy - definitely feels like the thumb screws are always being tightened!  Not sure how he feels trying to be manager of the world, but must be incredibly frustrating for him! 

And, yes, Tundraphile lots of responsibility gets dumped on me, I believe so that if something goes wrong or fails, he isn't blamed.

Which leads to another question - what is the difference in walking on eggshells and avoiding triggers?

[waverider]

Which leads to another question - what is the difference in walking on eggshells and avoiding triggers?

Avoiding unnecessary triggers is like walking around the eggshells.

Once you learn many of the conflict management skills you become less afraid of conflict. So that you have two options, most of the time you choose to walk around the eggshells, but when the necessity arises you can confidently stride directly through the eggshells and deal with the fall out as it arises.

You cannot always live your life in fear of conflict, and you will not gain respect (self or from your SO) by doing so.