The Never-Ending BPD/NPD Drama and Dilemma

[nothinleft]

I have dealt with my BPD (w/NPD traits)w all my adult married life. For many years it was well cloaked by her exceptional social abilities and winning personality, but in private she created a sub-surface tension and established a complicated dynamic in her psyche that I was at fault for just about everything. As a child she was raised in a very safe and loving enviornment but still became very fear driven, developing strong phobias and unusual reasonings to cope. Early on, every member of her immediate family had to take special care. When we married, she found exactly what she needed to validate-a perfect scapegoat. Early in 2008, a medical crisis, much of it due to her faulty reasoning, caused her BPD (w/NPD traits) to explode, mainly around me, but so overt in nature that her family and near aquantances were shocked as they now dealt with her. It has escalated in both intensity and occurance since, with fewer and fewer lulls between her long onsloughts of anger and irrationality or intimidating depression (remember, everything is my fault somehow). During these years I have suffered much of what has been described on this forum. I have also taken a lot of the  suggestions, seriuosly persuing many of the recommendations for personal improvement and change, gaining much insight and many coping skills. I started posting early in 2010 and it was very helpful. After a year or so I stopped, for eventually, most of the feedback did not take into consideration my history on this board or was too basic or cavalier for my very severe situation of being a 24/7 caregiver. It was helpful though, and there are other benefits, so I started to post again about a week ago. I was encouraged to post on "staying" as the responces might be more appropriate, so that is why I am now writing this. After initially learning about and dealing with BPD (w/NPD traits), my firm intention was to stay, and for the most part it still is. But now, after a few more harrowing years, I am starting to be convinced that her condition is progressing from "borderline" to some sort of clinically recognized form of "insanity". If that is the case, sometimes it is literally impossible to keep a person in that condition home, no matter what the intent. If this, indeed becomes the reality, I will have to change my thinking. Another scenario is also dawning, and this is where I need the advice of others who have lived with what I have. What happens if you JUST CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE? I am starting to feel that I am beginning to lose my life physically and spiritually. If that happens I certainly would have left and no one will benefit.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

I am also a 24/7 carer, and the endless presence with no real respite in order to regroup certainly takes a toll on your ability to consider and act subjectively.

lack of space and isolation are your biggest issues

What happens if you JUST CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE? I am starting to feel that I am beginning to lose my life physically and spiritually. If that happens I certainly would have left and no one will benefit.

Not true, if it comes to that, you will benefit, and your wife no longer having you around will have no one to project onto and so will be faced with the stark reality of having to face her own demons instead of giving them to you. This MAY cause her to turn to more helpful ways of dealing with it, after the initial meltdown passes

[nothinleft]

My BPDw is constantly interrupting what ever I do so I mistakenly posted before I was ready. I wanted to finish by illustrating how I feel, that I am literally losing my life physically and spiritually by living with this escalating mess. Dealing 24/7 with this type of full-blown BPD (w/NPD traits)w is like being in a WWII enemy "death camp". No matter what your outlook or coping skills, the longer you are under that type of treatment the closer you are to a literal death. That fairly sums it up. If you care to, take the time and check my history here, and if yours is similar I would greatly appreciate your input and suggestions.

[nothinleft]

That certainly would be great. I wish she would face her demons BEFORE that happens. Unfortunately, I don't think she could take it-but there again, that might be another one of her traps that I've fallen for. You have really given me something to think about though, because the way things are escalating "somethins gotta give"... .  At times I get so caught up in tunnel vision- so thanks for the input!

[waverider]

Blame projection is one of the biggest defense mechanisms of BPD. Until the ability to use that is disabled they have next to no chance of looking inwards for causes.

Enabling of projection is one of the greatest flaws of nons living with pwBPD.

Either way recognizing projections and not allowing them to stick, will be a light bulb moment for you regardless as to what the outcome is for her.

Recognize also a lot of the blame and projections will have just an element of truth in them (although twisted), this is bait so you will bite. Then its game on and you struggle to back out.

[nothinleft]

Thanks WR, I need that type of reminder, especially from those experienced enough in our common delimma to know what they are talking about. I have and continue to make many mistakes, as can be seen, I'm sure by reading my posts. I rant and rave about her but say nothing of my former bad behavior through the years. I have made significant changes, but my past must be kept alive to meet her needs of denial and victimhood. She does twist so much, but as you said, enough perceived truth is left and I continue to dance. Any reading suggestions?

[waverider]

Reading of any of the material in the books section is good. But after a while it leaves you brain dead. The basic principles are simple, its like reading different versions of the same thing, you are left thinking its so obvious why cant I fix it?  Interaction and practice, with a huge dose of acceptance is needed.

In truth interaction on these boards with "live" examples is the best learning curve. workshop your ideas by sharing.

Separating their 'stuff' from your stuff is a good start. Sounds simple but its not when when you re enmeshed. Learn who you are and what your needs are, and not be depended on them.

My RS and my stress level is far less than it was, yet over the same time my partners BPD behavior has got worse since her acknowledgement of it. But thanks to what I have learned here it is not effectively directed at me. She is in the melt down needed for her to own it. She talks the right talk to address it, but it is still all pipe dreams as far as her ability to do anything about it is concerned.

[inepted]

Not true, if it comes to that, you will benefit, and your wife no longer having you around will have no one to project onto and so will be faced with the stark reality of having to face her own demons instead of giving them to you. This MAY cause her to turn to more helpful ways of dealing with it, after the initial meltdown passes

What happens if the BPD chooses to just finds someone else they can project onto? When my BPDgf realized she no longer has me around, rather than facing her own demons, and dealing with it, she just tried to replace me. Is there anything that can be done other than letting it play out?

[almost789]

Waverider,

How do you not let the projections stick as you say. Mine was happy if I took on the projection. If I said no that's not true and gave it back to him, he hated that and took off. How exactly do you not let the projections stick and still keep them around? Not that I want him around, but I was just wondering how you manage that.

[nothinleft]

LGO2 and Inepted, Since your questions are similar, and early on I felt much the same, perhaps my experience can be helpful. I have found there is a certain and necessary dynamic that the BP will eventually try to establish with their SO without which they could not fulfill their irrational and angry needs. Usually it takes some time, but it also can occur quickly. Some people, by their very nature won't play their game, and others, once they realize what they are dealing with simply quit. To put it another way, the BPD needs the right SO and irregardless of what they say or do, will usually stick with that person, because to find another that will fit that role is a long and arduous process for them. Remember they need that "whipping boy", so no matter what the tirade, you're very important to them. Also, even if you have a few years invested, learn and take very seriuosly the hellish life described here. I am sure you realize some of this or you wouldn't be here. Believe me it, probably will progress and get  worse. See the big picture for what it is and what it most likely will become. If you are truly commited, thats fine. If not, look at ALL your options before you become so enmeshed that exercizing them will become ever so much more complicated and difficult. I wish I knew all of this years ago... .  nothinleft

[waverider]

How exactly do you not let the projections stick and still keep them around? Not that I want him around, but I was just wondering how you manage that.

Change that question to "how do you keep a needy friend around if you dont give them $50 every time they asked for it?".

Which do you value most your sanity or feeding a negative need?

Will they go project on someone else? They may try, and probably get rejected.

[nothinleft]

WR, So very well said! Much of your 9:01 post took the words right out of my mouth, for those have been my exact feelings for a while now. I dearly needed that validation to get me out of my very unhealthy "tunnel vision". I realize the many advantages and good things in life that I have totally disregarded lately by my distraction. To focus on and  appreciate the positives makes life worth living again. With a renewed outlook and a positive energy, the steps I must take are much more defined and oriented. It's difficult for me to fathem my BPDW ever really acknowledging her demons, she's been talking that talk at times, for years. But whatever, that may be just "part of the deal" with her situation. Hopefully with a better mindset I can achieve more normalcy in life and move on in the best direction for all. Thanks for your input... .  nothinleft