Question: Was it really love?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm trying to be completely honest here. There's no question that we are all suffering something that is quite oustside of normal. I feel like I lost a big part of myself in the break with my uBPDexg.

Fro what I understand, the pwBPD has no sense of self and attaches to us and mirrors us back to ourselves. In effect we really fell in love with ourselves. Is this possible? Is this where our pain is coming from? Is it that we lost ourselves in the failure of ou r/s.

My therapist had asked me, post break-up, "what I loved about her?". Without any thought I quickly replied "I see myself in her". Is that weird or is it just me ? I know if I took the time to make a consiuos list I could name many things I loved about her. Why would I say that? Any thoughts?

[wb1233]

I'm trying to be completely honest here. There's no question that we are all suffering something that is quite oustside of normal. I feel like I lost a big part of myself in the break with my uBPDexg.

Fro what I understand, the pwBPD has no sense of self and attaches to us and mirrors us back to ourselves. In effect we really fell in love with ourselves. Is this possible? Is this where our pain is coming from? Is it that we lost ourselves in the failure of ou r/s.

My therapist had asked me, post break-up, "what I loved about her?". Without any thought I quickly replied "I see myself in her". Is that weird or is it just me ? I know if I took the time to make a consiuos list I could name many things I loved about her. Why would I say that? Any thoughts?

[nolisan]

So ... .  by loving her you actually loved yourself. Good work!

By removing her from your life you have just removed an unnessecary "middle man".

[findingmyselfagain]

It was love, but it wasn't a healthy, sustainable love. They did mirror the best of us. We were never that awesome, but never as evil as portrayed. Without heavy duty treatment our ex's will not "get better" or get more stable. The best thing we can do is push away and seek healthier relationships. It's like my pastor says, the best marriages are the ones you don't hear about b/c they are boring. They'd never make it to a reality tv show but they are lasting. It's up to us to find out why we were attracted to our pwBPDs and to move forward seeking healthier r/s's and taking care of ourselves. I struggled with whether or not it was "love" for a very long time. I've decided that it was a passionate, intense, infatuated, immature love. It wasn't a love that could last... .  IMO a lasting love is truly more romantic than all the intensity in the world. Given what I know now, I wouldn't have ignored the red flags. I would have found a lasting love with someone else.

[grad]

It's not love in the typical sense.  It's not about making a relationship grow, it's about serving their many needs.  The biggest of those needs is emotional validation which then in turn "grants" them permission to make you sacrifice anything at anytime to serve their needs and that still may not be enough.  Even if you do sacrifice everything, then they lose respect for you.  If that's not enough, let's talk about their commitment and loyalty, of which they have none.  They feel broken and empty inside and truly hate their lives although some might be better at hiding it than others.  So when you do show them love they eventually leave.  It's like they know what they want and when they get it they become scared (engulfment).  They learned at an early age the need to be independent to derive their self-worth and love just isn't part of that equation but part of their primal need.

Synopsis: It doesn't come off as being selfish because they're great at giving (feeding your ego) but ultimately it's all about what they want.  It's an almost impossible task.  They feel the need to be in control of everything around them and view themselves as unfixable.

[grad]

One more observation.   For my uBPDexGF,  the only person she told me she truly loved was an on/off ex over a 12 year span that included 3 other serious relationships (2 years, 2 years, 1 year) starting at age 12 and ending at age 24.  She cheated on all of them, twice with their brothers (even her "true" love). 

[struggli]

So ... .  by loving her you actually loved yourself. Good work!

By removing her from your life you have just removed an unnessecary "middle man".

This post made me lightly chuckle which is a milestone for me lately.  Thanks nolisan!

[Truth in Ruin]

nolisan you are funny. I ask the same thing, and they told me yes, they do love. But they love like a toddler, not an adult.