Internet dating and pwBPD

[Wooddragon]

I met my ex on a dating site. We have been "broken up" for 9 months after a 14 month "relationship" but in that time have been recycling as friends w benefits. I ended this arrangement before Xmas but last weekend he was visiting my new home (I know - silly me to ever think this would be ok!) - asking me to marry him, begging for sex etc. I gave in to the last one but knowing it was a really bad idea & feeling very conflicted about it. Now I see he is back on the site where we met (I pretty much knew there had been a shift in him). He has completely changed his profile & it seems like he is mirroring me (what he says about himself & esp the qualities of the woman he is looking for). So he is telling me that he only wants to be with me but advertising for a clone? When we met, I suppose the person I met was really my predecessor? Has anyone else had this type of experience? (at least I can have a better hope of making NC work now knowing this... .  )

[wb1233]

Wow. That's really interesting. I've been broken up with uBPDexgf for abot 2 months now. We had met through a mutual aquaintance. I just recently signed on to an online dating website and saw her on there. Never thought I'd see her there.

Anyways, like you said, it was like she was exactly describing me. The only thing that I saw that was different was the age range. I'm 11 years older than her, but otherwise it was like a self-description.

They must use us as a last point of reference.

[just_think]

First BPDex did the mirroring on the dating site a few weeks after we broke up.  It was really odd to see her post "I care deeply about the environment and all living things" when a few weeks prior I had asked her to not throw her cigarette butts in the lake... .  

Admittedly, I sort of might have wasted way too much energy to set her up on a date with a fake profile and then stood her up... .  In retrospect (a couple years on), it was pretty pathetic on my part - she ripped my heart out and it led to PTSD and I inconvenienced her for one evening.   

Don't do what I did.  Ignore it.

[almost789]

I met mine on a dating site. I know he utilzes them. I think many pwBPD use them. They are easy, safe and quick to met someone you may have something in common with. They are safe especially for borderlines as they can hide their real identity through a profile and hide also behind a computer screen. They will use characteristics of anyone they want to mirror. I've seen and heard of countless numbers of borderlines using dating sites. They usually run right to them to get their replacements and/or simply use them for ego boosting. I really hate dating sites now. I think you have a higher susceptability to find a borderline if you utilize dating sites than if you just met someone out in the general population.

[mosaicbird]

Huh. I too met my BPD ex online, and she met her next (and now ex) partner on a dating site after we broke up. I know the previous two relationships she had before me were online based ones that never ended up being in person (as the people were in different countries... .  seems odd to me now in retrospect, conducting intense emotional relationships with people you are incredibly unlikely to ever meet in the flesh. She does it to this day, though. The emotional exchanges and intensity are more important to her than anything else, no matter how her partner of the time feels about the emotional infidelity.)

[navs]

I met mine on a dating site. I know he utilzes them. I think many pwBPD use them. They are easy, safe and quick to met someone you may have something in common with. They are safe especially for borderlines as they can hide their real identity through a profile and hide also behind a computer screen. They will use characteristics of anyone they want to mirror. I've seen and heard of countless numbers of borderlines using dating sites. They usually run right to them to get their replacements and/or simply use them for ego boosting. I really hate dating sites now. I think you have a higher susceptability to find a borderline if you utilize dating sites than if you just met someone out in the general population.

Second that

[SarahinMA]

I met mine on a dating site. I know he utilzes them. I think many pwBPD use them. They are easy, safe and quick to met someone you may have something in common with. They are safe especially for borderlines as they can hide their real identity through a profile and hide also behind a computer screen. They will use characteristics of anyone they want to mirror. I've seen and heard of countless numbers of borderlines using dating sites. They usually run right to them to get their replacements and/or simply use them for ego boosting. I really hate dating sites now. I think you have a higher susceptability to find a borderline if you utilize dating sites than if you just met someone out in the general population.

This is so interesting.  I would have NEVER thought my ex would do online dating and I recently found out that he is.  He always looked down upon it when we dated and it shocked me when I found out.  This makes sense though... .  I can just picture him going through photos of women he thinks is attractive and just mirroring what they say.  This is probably a perfect outlet for him. 

[WT]

During the honeymoon phase of our relationship, my ex wanted the both of us to sign up for eHarmony during one of their free trial weekends to see if we would be matched up with each other.  The hilarious thing is that it told her that she was unmatchable.  How I wish that I had listened to eHarmony... .  

[mosaicbird]

The hilarious thing is that it told her that she was unmatchable.  How I wish that I had listened to eHarmony... .  

Hey now, eHarmony told me that once, too. Maybe they should shove the rejects onto a separate eDisharmony site where we can just screw up each other. 

[WT]

The hilarious thing is that it told her that she was unmatchable.  How I wish that I had listened to eHarmony... .  

Hey now, eHarmony told me that once, too. Maybe they should shove the rejects onto a separate eDisharmony site where we can just screw up each other. 

Sorry if my comment offended you in any way.  I didn't mean to say that eHarmony is the authority on whether or not someone is matchable.  I just thought it was funny that my ex wanted to see if her and I would get matched together and instead that's the answer she got.

[Take2]

Oh how I hate Eharmony and dating websites in general... .  I have never done it but my ex - well now that's another story... .  caught him on a different one a year and a half ago.  Found him caught in another lie just last week about Eharmony.

And clearly he has been on there for at least a year... .  

Yes - PERFECT place for them to hide and pretend to be something they are not.

[mosaicbird]

Sorry if my comment offended you in any way.  I didn't mean to say that eHarmony is the authority on whether or not someone is matchable.  I just thought it was funny that my ex wanted to see if her and I would get matched together and instead that's the answer she got.

No, not offended at all! I was amused. 

[truefaith]

This is a very interesting topic and now makes perfect sense to me.   I have not seen my BPD X for 23 days... .  yes, I am counting because it has been hell! I am crossing off the days on my calendar, sometime in tears and with a shaky hand.  Our relationship had recycled for 4.5 years. I knew it would be so much kinder to both of us to make a clean break, but it has been a huge struggle, and has just about killed off my spirit and soul in the process.

I didn't know my X had BPD. I didn't even know what it was, but had been researching anxiety disorders and such and came upon this website... .  BINGO! When I read all the posts about other partners, secrets, and lies that follow this type of relationship with a BP, I began to finally take the blinders off.  I knew, but didn't want to think that it could be true... .  I thought I had been put on this earth to save him, you know my soul mate... .  right? Well, I found out differently.

I too put up fake profiles on a dating website because I had to know. I would not endorse this at all. It really caused me even more pain in reading his profile, and carrying on conversations with him.   My fake profiles were always in other relationships, so I had an out, because I really didn't want to hurt him. He would say these wonderful, special, meaningful and sexy things to me, and then repeat what he had said to me on the dating site to someone else. I hate to be so naive, but I just about got sick to my stomach! I also had information on how often he was on the dating site, and it was hours upon hours... .  sometimes all day long. This information is the only thing that has given me the strength to not return to the relationship.

I have never used a dating site before, but now see how individuals with this illness end up on the site. My XBPD was everything he really wanted to be on the site.  I also noticed a very addictive quality to his posts and the hours he was on the site. None of it can be helping him in anyway. :'(


It was on the site that my X was something he was not, and yes there was a lot of mirroring.  This really breaks my heart.  I really feel for my X, and still love him very much, but I know that he is very ill, and I can no longer "save" him, and it all makes me pretty depressed.  I too started experiencing panic disorder when all this came about. 

Working on one day at a time to heal... .  don't know if I will ever understand though.

Truefaith