Feeling overwhelmed, trust issues

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't posted here in a while. Partly because on the one hand things were starting to get better, but on the other hand I think they're getting worse. That probably doesn't make much sense. Actually I'm not sure if any of this post will make much sense, but I guess I just need to get it all out.

My partner (who has BPD) has been in therapy for a while now, and it's going really well. Progress is slow (I never expected it to be otherwise), but I can definitely see it. He still has his moments, but he's generally less snappy and condescending towards me, less likely to fly into unexpected rages, etc. This gives me some hope for our future, BUT... .  

A few months ago he did something that I can't forget, and has left me unable to trust him with certain things. He'd been logging everything I was doing online, and I probably never would have even known if he hadn't decided to own up. He said he was sorry at the time, but I don't know how sorry he really is. Let's just say that I'm no saint either, and he found some things he didn't like. We've discussed it all numerous times since it happened, but despite saying sorry at the time, he still seems to think he was justified in his actions. This really concerns me – does that mean he'd do it again if he felt it was necessary? Actually, he couldn't do it again now even if he wanted to, as I've taken measures to prevent him – but that's not really the point. I'm not really interested in a relationship where I have to protect myself in some way from my other half.

I came very close to leaving him for good immediately after this event. But I decided to give it some time, to see if I'd be able to trust him again – and to see if he'd be able to trust me. Despite it all, I think I still love him – I still care about him and want him to be happy.

I've given it over six months now and I don't trust him any more than I did right after it all happened (though I'm far less angry about it now). I don't think he trusts me either, but it's hard to say. Day by day we get on OK, most of the time.

As I said before, I can see progress in other ways, but I'm finding myself getting more and more depressed. I'm getting to the point where I really don't know if the depression was caused by all this, or if it's something else in me (I've suffered from depression before in the past, before I even knew my partner). I'm starting to feel extremely lost, and as if it's impossible for me to make any decisions about the future. This is overwhelming me. I just don't know how long I should wait to see if things improve. I guess there are no answers to that, but like I said, I just needed to get it out.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

[Broken Dreams]

I haven't posted here in a while. Partly because on the one hand things were starting to get better, but on the other hand I think they're getting worse. That probably doesn't make much sense. Actually I'm not sure if any of this post will make much sense, but I guess I just need to get it all out.

My partner (who has BPD) has been in therapy for a while now, and it's going really well. Progress is slow (I never expected it to be otherwise), but I can definitely see it. He still has his moments, but he's generally less snappy and condescending towards me, less likely to fly into unexpected rages, etc. This gives me some hope for our future, BUT... .  

A few months ago he did something that I can't forget, and has left me unable to trust him with certain things. He'd been logging everything I was doing online, and I probably never would have even known if he hadn't decided to own up. He said he was sorry at the time, but I don't know how sorry he really is. Let's just say that I'm no saint either, and he found some things he didn't like. We've discussed it all numerous times since it happened, but despite saying sorry at the time, he still seems to think he was justified in his actions. This really concerns me – does that mean he'd do it again if he felt it was necessary? Actually, he couldn't do it again now even if he wanted to, as I've taken measures to prevent him – but that's not really the point. I'm not really interested in a relationship where I have to protect myself in some way from my other half.

I came very close to leaving him for good immediately after this event. But I decided to give it some time, to see if I'd be able to trust him again – and to see if he'd be able to trust me. Despite it all, I think I still love him – I still care about him and want him to be happy.

I've given it over six months now and I don't trust him any more than I did right after it all happened (though I'm far less angry about it now). I don't think he trusts me either, but it's hard to say. Day by day we get on OK, most of the time.

As I said before, I can see progress in other ways, but I'm finding myself getting more and more depressed. I'm getting to the point where I really don't know if the depression was caused by all this, or if it's something else in me (I've suffered from depression before in the past, before I even knew my partner). I'm starting to feel extremely lost, and as if it's impossible for me to make any decisions about the future. This is overwhelming me. I just don't know how long I should wait to see if things improve. I guess there are no answers to that, but like I said, I just needed to get it out.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

[Surnia]

Yep, I got this far. 

I feel with you, about the trust issue and also about your depression!

The first issue has something to do with privacy and what you are thinking/feeling about it. Is it possible that you cannot forget it bc you are not sure about your boundaries there? Or is there perhaps a deep anger that keeps you stuck?

You are someway familiar with depression before. What did you do before to came out of it?

Keep posting, Broken Dreams!

[Broken Dreams]

The first issue has something to do with privacy and what you are thinking/feeling about it. Is it possible that you cannot forget it bc you are not sure about your boundaries there? Or is there perhaps a deep anger that keeps you stuck?

As far as I'm concerned there's no doubt whatsoever that he overstepped a boundary. I take my privacy very seriously (and he knew it). I guess it would probably be a bigger deal to some people more than others, but to me it's on a similar level to cheating. I think the question is more whether or not I can eventually forgive him, and I don't have an answer to this. I don't know how long I should wait for an answer - I don't know if I'll ever get one.

It's possible that there's still some anger there, deeply hidden. If there is, I don't know what to do about it if it's still there after all this time.

You are someway familiar with depression before. What did you do before to came out of it?

It was a long time ago... .  I basically made a lot of changes in my life - started to make choices for me, no matter how selfish they seemed to be at the time. It took a while, but eventually I got somewhere I wanted to be, and was happy.

I've always been the kind of person who cares a lot, and finds it easy to perceive other people's feelings (too easy maybe). My partner is quite dependant on me - sometimes I feel like I'm taking care of a child, from an emotional perspective. I don't know how he'd cope if I left - and I'm not even sure I want to leave, if there's a chance that things could get better.

I guess I'm rambling again, so I'll stop there. Thanks a lot for your reply.

[Surnia]

It was a long time ago... .  I basically made a lot of changes in my life - started to make choices for me, no matter how selfish they seemed to be at the time. It took a while, but eventually I got somewhere I wanted to be, and was happy.

Perhaps there are new choices needed for you? Being to long with undecided mind is draining.

Do you know this article? Co-dependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability?

[gail48]

You shouldn't have to do this, and it probably isn't all that helpful for the overall situation ... .  but if it gives you peace of mind, if you use Google Chrome as your browser, you can use an "incognito window." Basically what that means is anything you do online while using the incognito window will not appear in your browser or search history.

Again, I know that you shouldn't HAVE to do this, and it offers you no real advice with your overall situation. But if you feel you can't trust him and still have privacy concerns, it may be something you'd want to try.

[Broken Dreams]

Being to long with undecided mind is draining.

So true!

And thanks for the link to the article, I'll have a read of that later.

Gail, thanks for your suggestion. I don't use Google Chrome, but I already have it covered. He cannot log anything I do online any more. But you're also right in saying that I shouldn't have to do this.