how did I fall off the end of the earth

[cal644]

I hate to say this, but I've tried making nemerous attempts to try to reconsile with my uBPDw.  However she will not respond to anything, it feels like I have fallen of the end of the earth in her eyes.  After 19 years it's like I'm dead to her... .  it hurts so bad that I have fallen off the edge of the earth in her eyes.  I need help, I feel like I need closure, or at least some answers from her why I am dead in her eyes.

[really]

Hi Cal.

For me that's been the most difficult things.  I tried for a year to get the same answers and I got nowhere.   

The answers are on this board.   We became their triggers and it is all based on their shame

Every attempt on my part was met with gaslighting abuse or contempt. 

It completely broke me.     

Taking tiny steps to recover.   

Have you read 2010's posts on this board.  They are really helpful at understanding the realities. 

As I said to the psychologist I started seeing intellectualising it is simple.   Unlocking the pain and letting go is the difficult bit but I hope through therapy i will be able to do that.    I have to as I can't go on living like this.   

I lost my sense of self but I had a self.  She didn't.   Her self is currently dependent on the mirroring of my replacement.

It's all very sad.   What I thought was her just having difficult times is something far more entrenched in her

You will get through it. 

[1bravegirl]

Those feelings are very deep and painful and it will just take time and working on yourself and staying very positive and busy with a very good support group and living your life.

As easy as that sounds... it's anything but.

You will start to feel less of the pain eventually but it does take time. I finally turned the corner on how he affected my heart about 18 yrs into the marriage... It just wasn't there any longer.

I was away from him and didn't think about him this time...   and It was very surprising but what a nice surprise...   No heartache after so many times of crying and missing him and wanting answers or whatever...

It does start to fall into place in time.  Keep taking care of you and remember this isn't always about what they want...   They are sick and many times this is all they can do in order to live in their own skin and have any type of functionality.

take good care ... 1bg

[GreenMango]

Cal do you think this is a phase of the push again that will eventually come back around to pull where you are "waiting" for a little while? or do you think she's done?

[cal644]

I honestly don't know. I asked her if she is happier and she said no.  I have heard she is struggling, but she pushes me away so bad.  I told her the other day that I loved her and she replied "you shouldn't".  She also tells me she has moments where she starts to remember the good things and then has second thoughts.  But the very next day when I throw a white flag she throws it away. It just kills me that I am so bad in her eyes after 19 years of a pretty good marriage.  I wish I knew what was in her heart and mind.  Something inside me tells me that we shouldn't be getting a divorce - but she's afraid to take any of the steps to try to save our marriage.  I'm so confused and so lost.  She

[GreenMango]

Cal it sounds like a thread on staying might help to guide you on how to be the emotional lead and what steps to take.

Will you post one there?

[cal644]

At the stage I'm at now is it too late?  I can't understand any of this.  But if she won't even talk or text where so I even stand a chance?

[GreenMango]

It might not be.  But the tools from the staying board are going to help you approach her better to confirm this.  I can hear your pain.

Posting on leaving... .  well you are always welcome here.  Posting on staying is going help you figure out if this has a chance.

Maybe target your question to the senior members around the push phase you are in, the fact the divorce has come, and that you'd like to be together but don't know how to approach the whole thing.

Check out the staying lessons first.

How do you feel about this option?