Kicking up the dust

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Being new to this BPD reality isn't fun. I feel like I've entered a new dimension of sorts.  Although I am very familiar with the behavior because of the "abusive alcoholic" label of my father and there is nothing new in terms of behavior, but it is "seeing" the behavior from the "new perspective" of BPD (w/NPD traits) that's tough.   I started journaling a few weeks before I made the BPD discovery and "boy oh boy" is it kicking up some SERIOUS dust again and it feels horrible.  There is something to be said for "Ignorance is Bliss!"  Sometimes I long to go back there!  In ignorance you are not as "acutely" aware of the emotional pain, turmoil and chaos that you feel inside and you can pretend there is still some normalcy to your parental relationship, I have a father that is BPD (w/NPD traits).  When you become "acutely" aware and gain further clarity there is "no more Pretending," there is no where to run and hide, there is no where to escape.  It is staring at you square in the eye and it's not a pretty reality!  Ug!  It makes my childhood look even gloomier than had previously been thought!

Kindredspirit

[Kindredspirit]

Being new to this BPD reality isn't fun. I feel like I've entered a new dimension of sorts.  Although I am very familiar with the behavior because of the "abusive alcoholic" label of my father and there is nothing new in terms of behavior, but it is "seeing" the behavior from the "new perspective" of BPD (w/NPD traits) that's tough.   I started journaling a few weeks before I made the BPD discovery and "boy oh boy" is it kicking up some SERIOUS dust again and it feels horrible.  There is something to be said for "Ignorance is Bliss!"  Sometimes I long to go back there!  In ignorance you are not as "acutely" aware of the emotional pain, turmoil and chaos that you feel inside and you can pretend there is still some normalcy to your parental relationship, I have a father that is BPD (w/NPD traits).  When you become "acutely" aware and gain further clarity there is "no more Pretending," there is no where to run and hide, there is no where to escape.  It is staring at you square in the eye and it's not a pretty reality!  Ug!  It makes my childhood look even gloomier than had previously been thought!

Kindredspirit

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi Kindredspirit,

becoming aware and facing the fact that you have a parent with a serious mental illness can be really painful.  Have you found any books, or a good support (like a friend you can talk to, or a therapist)?  There are so many resources available. 

I'm sorry to hear that this is distressing you.  It DOES make a childhood look gloomy, I agree.  It sucks a lot, but it's over now, and now you have control over your life.  Make use of these boards, there are all kinds of kind people and helpful threads.

Take care!

[Kindredspirit]

Hi JetsFan

I did a lot of therapy along time ago but I don't think BPD was very well known then and I had never come across it in all of my many many books that I have read.  The only thing that my therapist called him was an abusive, dysfunctional alcoholic.  I went to ACA (adult children of alcoholics) groups a long time ago as well. This is  just so much more than that generic label, it really puts it in to context and reading everyone else's post have been helpful.

Thank you for your kind words!


Kindredspirit

[Kwamina]

There is something to be said for "Ignorance is Bliss!"  Sometimes I long to go back there!  In ignorance you are not as "acutely" aware of the emotional pain, turmoil and chaos that you feel inside and you can pretend there is still some normalcy to your parental relationship, I have a father that is BPD (w/NPD traits).  When you become "acutely" aware and gain further clarity there is "no more Pretending," there is no where to run and hide, there is no where to escape.  It is staring at you square in the eye and it's not a pretty reality!  Ug!  It makes my childhood look even gloomier than had previously been thought!

It's like seeing everything with new eyes. I've experienced this too, I always knew that there was something seriously wrong with my mother but after I learned about BPD things really became clear to me. It's almost too much to handle sometimes but I'm at a point now that I'm starting to accept this ugly reality and try to heal the damage that has been done to my mind and soul. Seeing with new eyes can be very overwhelming but if you're able to accept reality as it is, in time things can get better.

[CinnamonRadio]

@Kindred,

I HIGHLY recommend a T (therapist) who is familiar with BPD or NPD or both.  I was in therapy on and off with some moderate success for about 7 years before I found someone who knew what it was about and what I had gone through.  The past two years with him have been BY FAR more helpful than the previous seven combined. I consider it essential.

As far as books, I Randi Kreger's books are fabulous, and I personally found Surviving a Borderline Parent very helpful, and it is not at all gender specific. 

Good luck in your journey!

- Jets

[Kindredspirit]

Hi Kwamina

Once again thank you for your kind words and sharing.  It is an "ugly reality."  I too am at the precipice of having to heal my soul and mind yet one more time without interference from my crazy relationship with my crazy father.  I know in time, the turmoil I feel inside will start to subside.  As a friend of mine said,  "you know the definition of insanity?" I knew he was crazy but then I thought, "well this makes me crazy too, because I keep trying to have a relationship with him and it turns out the "same" every time!"  Time to walk away and stop the "madness!"

[Kindredspirit]

Hi JetsFan

Thanks for the info on the book, I was actually considering that my next read.  As far as a therapist, I too went for 8 years with moderate success and was thinking that I really need to go back.  Having one with the knowledge of BPD (w/NPD traits) would be essential this time around otherwise it wouldn't be that productive.  Thanks!

Kindredspirit

[WrongWoman]

Welcome, Kindred Spirit!  I know exactly what you mean.  The beginning of the realization is a sad time and there is grief over what never could be and never will be (the parent you need/needed, a happy childhood, and a host of other things).

For me, this stage did pass and I was able to move on to a state of being more liberated.  I realized that there was never anything I could do or be or say that would fix my mother or our relationship.  It wasn't my fault. I slowly, over time, let myself off the hook.  I was able to, without guilt, put no further energy into the banging-my-head-against-the-wall exercises I had put myself through for years.  I was sorry for her, but not responsible for her or her happiness.  For me, at least, this brought about a great deal of peace and solace to my life.  I hope you will experience the same.

[PaGuy]

Kindred, I have also felt the pain of realizing a parent has BPD and then looking at myself.  Wow.  For me, it was a relief and an "Aha!" moment when it hit me that my mother has BPD.  The more I learned, the more things made sense.  And the more things hurt.  As I learn more about BPDms and how they effect their children, the more and more crud I find that I need to get rid of.  But it hurts.  Sometimes I grieve, sometimes I cry, sometimes I am angry, and sometimes I am furious.  I really don't like those times, but I remember that it is like surgery.  It isn't fun, but I am better off on the other side of it.  Even though it is painful sometimes, I personally don't want to stop the growing and healing process - pause sometimes, but not stop.

Please don't let the pain stop you from making progress, but remember to go at a pace that is helpful and appropriate for you.  I also suggest looking for a therapist who has experience with BPD.  Otherwise, the T might miss some important things, or you could become very frustrated trying to explain why things really are/were that bad.

[Clearmind]

Yes it does hit you like a tonne of bricks at first - in time, when all the new information filters down the dust does settle.

Kindred, you will see over to the right of the screen a link to the Survivors Guide ----> Where do you see yourself in the list?

[Kindredspirit]

PaGuy,  Thanks for your encouraging words.  It is a double edged sword.  As much as it kicks up the pain again it also brings "EVERYTHING" in to context and that is worth having the dust get kicked up again.  As it starts to settle I am feeling better and better and just being part of this community has brought a lot of relief as well. Thanks.

Kindredspirit



Clearmind,  Realizing my father is BPD (w/NPD traits) threw my backwards and put me back at the mourning stage one more time.  As I look at the Survivors Guide I would say I am between 8 and 9.  Having a relationship with someone who is BPD is like "Sisyphus," you keep trying to heal the wounds of your past but being in a relationship with that person never allows for healing as they keep re-injuring you over and over again, and you keep getting derailed off of your path.  It's why I had to step away again.  But at least now I know exactly  "what he is,"  "I see clearly now, crystal clear!"

Thanks,  Kindrespirit