Think I took a step

[beinggentle]

My uBPD mom called last night. She wanted to let me know about some family news that she was kind of sad about. I was annoyed I think. Because not even 2 months ago she'd let me know how disdainful she was about 'this business about talking about your problems with family members'.

I guess the irony was yet again lost on her. What also annoyed me was that she said 'well I can't talk to 'x' about this but I felt sad. So I thought I'd call you instead'. (You know I was annoyed about this but seein it typed out... .  It's just so... Absurd ! Lol! After 45 years, she still doesn't get it. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt I guess.

Anyways I listened to her gossip about this family member and how sad she was for them for a bit- getting more and more annoyed. Then it hit me that I really didn't need to keep playing my role here!  So abruptly, I just changed the topic. And wouldn't let her go back to it!

And it felt good! I realized I had no control over the types of things she'll approach me about. But I DO have control over if/how I'll partipate if she does.

It was still hard & my mind is still replAying the whole thing at times today. But I think I did the right thing for me.

It makes me hesitate to realize that my behavior wasn't any better than what I criticize them for. But at the same time, I don't owe them any better than they so firmly shared that they'd give me, do I?

[yeeter]

Not only a first step gentle, but a BIG one!  Well done!   

It will be like the floodgates have opened on how you interact now.

So its good that you are questioning what you 'owe' them (in terms of what they 'gave' you).  Thing is, you get to decide what you want to give them.  Will say it again:  Its YOUR choice.

You can give them paybacks

You can give them carefully calculated returns equal in weight to what they gave you

You can give them what YOU feel would be how YOU want to behave and treat other people - no matter whether reciprocated or not.

Personally I (try to) take the high road, and try to give what I think is kind, thoughtful, caring.  Knowing it doesnt always work the other way.  But I feel better about myself this way, than if I get all caught up in petting tit for tat games.

[Grey Kitty]

One more perspective on taking the high road:

Karma is often thought of as how you did something good or bad long ago, possibly in a past life, and that will make something good or bad happen to you out of the blue. The connection between these two acts is mystical and hard to follow.

But Karma is also a very direct, visceral unavoidable thing: When you act kindly or unkindly toward another person, YOU feel the result of what YOU did to that person. You may deny it or refuse to face or acknowledge it. But you cannot escape it.

I say that it darkens my soul to respond hurtfully toward another. And it lightens my soul to be kind to another. (Clarification: this means acting out of genuine generosity and good will for the other, not "sacrificing myself for them" or other codependent "kindnesses".) I like who I am more when I take the high road, so I do it whenever I can.

[beinggentle]

Thanks so much yeeter, grey kitty

Well, after giving it some time and thought, I think I gave her the very best that I had to give in those moments. I'm realizing that continuing to listen to her vent (or gripe) feeling more and more resentful isn't good for either one of us. This is a big leap, but backing out of that conversation maybe was the most respectful thing I could do for her. (Not to mention for me too)

I guess I'm thinking this because I could just feel my blood pressure rising. Getting angrier and thinking less and less of her ... .  I just don't think trying to hang in there could have had a better result. In the end we had a nice conversation about what she kept busy at that week.

I sometimes wonder if the role she ends up playing around me (helpless victim). feels any better to her, than it does to me after the interaction is over. And I wonder if the kindest thing for both of us is to just keep it light. Try to avoid old patterns of relating.

[Grey Kitty]

Well, after giving it some time and thought, I think I gave her the very best that I had to give in those moments.

I wish I could say that for all of my moments! Isn't it wonderful to feel that way!

I sometimes wonder if the role she ends up playing around me (helpless victim). feels any better to her, than it does to me after the interaction is over. And I wonder if the kindest thing for both of us is to just keep it light. Try to avoid old patterns of relating.

I would venture to guess that she gets something she needs out of the helpless victim role. I would also that there is a better way for her and it would be happier for her than this. You can hope or pray that she gets there someday.

You are learning and growing. If you keep on growing the possibilities of doing more good will keep on increasing. For now you know that keeping it light is a whole lot kinder than the old patterns were.

[beinggentle]

Thanks Grey Kitty,

I appreciate the reassurance that I'm on the right track. It still feels odd, thinking that not trying to soothe and comfort her without end, when she's upset is actually the kind thing to do for her. I think this has shifted because in my last appt with my therapist, she pointed out that mom's and my interaction wasn't good for me; but it also wasn't good for her.

It made me realize that the way mom thinks actually provides her a way to cope with her world. (Albeit an unhealthy way.) But it's the way she makes sense of other people's behavior, and things that happen. It's just as you were saying about that she gets something she needs out of the helpless victim role. So to try and change that WOULD be upsetting to her.

So I think it's helping me to just step back from wanting to try and 'help' her learn a better way of being. I just have to accept where she's at and let it be. Not that I have to go participate in it, or buy into her rules and ways of thinking when I'm around her. And certainly not accept mistreatment because of it. But, just let her be where she is. Maybe one day she'll pull herself out of it. Maybe not. I feel kind of neutral on it today. Like, it doesn't make that big of a difference to my life and my overall happiness anymore, whether she will or won't. Isn't that something. Thanks again Grey Kitty. BG.

[Claire]

Being Gentle,

First off, I can SO relate to what you've shared about conversations with your mom. And I think you handled it just fine.

Well, after giving it some time and thought, I think I gave her the very best that I had to give in those moments. I'm realizing that continuing to listen to her vent (or gripe) feeling more and more resentful isn't good for either one of us. This is a big leap, but backing out of that conversation maybe was the most respectful thing I could do for her. (Not to mention for me too)

Isn't it strange to realize that it really isn't best for her if I let her give me a sob story for hours at a time?  In a way, I'm affirming whatever irrational stuff she's spewing by not saying anything.  Yet I hear you when you're struggling with what the right thing is in such a situation. I mean, she's a person, she's my mom, she deserves time and attention, etc. But at what point does it become unhealthy for either or both of us? That's very tough, and I'm wrestling with those questions a lot right now.

All that to say, thinking about you BG, and great step forward!

[P.F.Change]

I realized I had no control over the types of things she'll approach me about. But I DO have control over if/how I'll partipate if she does.

I'm realizing that continuing to listen to her vent (or gripe) feeling more and more resentful isn't good for either one of us. This is a big leap, but backing out of that conversation maybe was the most respectful thing I could do for her. (Not to mention for me too)

BIG steps here, not only in your willingness to take care of your boundaries but in your thinking. It is not good for you to be your mother's emotional dump. This is the part that's easy to understand because you feel terrible when you allow her to use you that way. But it's not good for her, either. She needs to learn to manage her own feelings. She may need professional help to do that. As long as someone is willing to play therapist by listening to everything she "needs" to say, she will be even less motivated to make healthy changes. Protecting yourself with boundaries is the best thing you can do for both of you.

Wishing you peace,

PF