Leaving before it's too late

[AbayaLady]

I was on the undecided board briefly before coming here. It seems inevitable no matter how much I want my uBPDh to get better. Even the people on the staying board admit that it's just a place to cope—that it's nearly impossible to make it work with a pwBPD and if you can, it takes years of heartache and pain.

Since we've only been together a few months, I am cutting loose now before he moves here (he lives 1,000 miles away and is finishing a school program). Before I get pregnant and then a child is involved in my hell. Before we buy a house and make divorce a nightmare.

I hope it's the one and only time I have to say this. I see so many others here try, try again and I feel blessed that I learned about his disorder (even if he's unDx) this early on. My heart aches for those who are stuck in a 10+ year marriage with so many reasons to try to make it work or who feel they can't get away. I pray that you are released from this cycle of pain.

I also hope that my husband gets help one day. I have seen that I can't be the one to get him there. He waffles between saying he knows he needs it to "no therapist is going to tell me anything to make me believe you didn't cheat on me" (I didn't and he has no reason to think I did).

I don't want to go through the whole sordid story here because you all know it well. But I do want to say to people who understand that I am just mad. I am angry that my dreams of finding someone who could be great for me are dashed. I'm pissed that everything changed after just a month together and now I have to tell everyone it didn't work out (this is my second marriage, the first to a wonderful man for 7 years but we weren't compatible in the end). It took me 4 years to find love again and now it's gone in the blink of an eye.

How do you deal with this anger? I am Muslim and I believe that God has a plan for all of us and I need to rely on him to guide me to what is best, but it doesn't alleviate the pain and the feelings of betrayal.

I will come here from time to time to check in, and I will try to respond to some of you who are also hurting because you tried to love a pwBPD. I hope everyone's doing well and may we all find happiness and comfort one day.

[Changed4safety]

You clearly have a very kind heart! 

You are also very wise to do this now, with the things you cite it would indeed just make it harder. 

Anger isn't wrong, and it can be healing.   I actually have taught myself to never be angry, I transfer it into shame and turn it inward, so my therapist was very excited when at one point I said, "I'm really pissed off with X about Y!"     Keep reading, there is such a wealth of information here.   Share with us how it goes if you wish to.   If you believe that this is part of God's plan, learn what blessing there is hidden in this.  Perhaps the courage you are being forced to show because of this man will give you something wonderful soon.  I hope so! 

[dharmagems]

I too agree with you AbayaLady.  I also feel the ache of finding a dream and to have it not be true.  I have been in a 3 year marriage with my exhBPD and next week I am filing for a divorce.  We didn't purchase anything together, have no children, and he is releasing me seemingly amicably but still begs me to stay.  I too feel very devastated my dream of finding the special person was not the case.  He won't get outside help because he denies he has BPD.  I won't tell you all the personal pain and heartache and trauma because you've all experienced it.  I really can't imagine going further any longer.   I am understanding why I stayed and it's like a drug.  Detoxing is devastating.   

I too also believe that my next step in restructuring my life will be to put healing & finding balance and ease the #1 priority through this change.  I've panicked before because there's so much to reorganize and do to get my life together.  I am working a lot on myself, to give myself ease.

Thanks, Change4safety, I think that it's not easy leaving and explaining to everyone, and not hiding it, pretending everything is ok.  I sometimes wish I could just conform and hide that everything is ok, but I really can not.  It takes so much courage to walk away from the situation.  I too hope that I will find stable and healthy relationships in the future soon. 

 love and lightness ahead