The "Do I have friends test?" after a BPD debacle

[HarmKrakow]

Hiya lads,

As we all know, while detaching from BPD, we like to fall back on a basis of 'healty non' friends and family.

However, during the r/s with our beloved looney BPD, we often let our friends and family slip. We started to ignore them or become rude or obxnious. They warned us and told us not to continue with that crazy BPDer. Even so far ... that some might have cut the friendship cord with you, because they let you decide between them and your bf/gf w BPD. And you decided that love would prevail and that all focused should be aimed at our BPD person.

He or she of course broke up with us leaving us with zero/nada/niente.

What do we do?

We go back to our parents, family, friends but we have been neglecting them for months/years or even longer due to the fact that we wanted to show our BPD that they were the sole purpose in our life. And all out of a sudden ... our family and friends are gone 2. Or ... they tell you to buzz off because you were the responsible one for making such a mess...

MY SITUATION

I neglected most of my family and friends during my BPD r/s with my gf and when that went downhill I realized that I neglected my friends and they were really harsh on me, till such a level that it still takes me loads of time and effort to get them back.

So I decided to stop contacting people (not through facebook/skype/linkedin etc) and see how much would eventually contact you!

And so far ... only 3 this weekend. And of course, it's a hard realization that I ~ed up the most important part in life, my friends and was stupid enough to put my gf w BPD as my best friend (a lesson i will never forgive myself).

How did that go for you guys? As I can only imagine most of you while in detachment go through a HELL of loneliness and pain.

[Changed4safety]

I am currently working on this.  I'm taking the reverse tactic--I've let them alone for so long they're going to need some convincing that I'm not going to chuck them under the bus and that they matter.  I sent out Christmas cards to people who have been there for me, even if not a lot, cited what they did, thanked them for it, and outlined ways I would be a better friend.  Most of my real friends have responded positively. 

I've got one friend who dropped me very early on after an incident that really hurt her.  I'm going to reach out.  I'm nervous, but I will know--as I needed to know with my BPD--that I've done all I can on my end. 

Not being rude here--but I cannot comprehend why, if you have lost friends by neglecting them, neglecting them further and making THEM reach out seems like a good tactic.     Doesn't compute to me. 

[HarmKrakow]

I am currently working on this.  I'm taking the reverse tactic--I've let them alone for so long they're going to need some convincing that I'm not going to chuck them under the bus and that they matter.  I sent out Christmas cards to people who have been there for me, even if not a lot, cited what they did, thanked them for it, and outlined ways I would be a better friend.  Most of my real friends have responded positively. 

I've got one friend who dropped me very early on after an incident that really hurt her.  I'm going to reach out.  I'm nervous, but I will know--as I needed to know with my BPD--that I've done all I can on my end. 

Not being rude here--but I cannot comprehend why, if you have lost friends by neglecting them, neglecting them further and making THEM reach out seems like a good tactic.     Doesn't compute to me. 

Because the very first thing I did after i had r/s troubles with my gf w BPD I went out to ALL my major friends (ALL!) of them who I havent spoken to in months sometimes years. And they were all like, OMG, HARM, you are gone for such a long period and now you are dropping in such a BOMBshell of news? Get your ~ together mate, as what they told me.

Of course, after that happened some kept calling me back but the majority said, I have the feeling i'm talking to a wall here harmkrakow. You need to pull yourself out of this BPD mess with this BPD gf.

[HarmKrakow]

So yeah, now I feel a little tad guilty for approaching friends if its purely for talking about this looney BPD gf.

[Changed4safety]

Ah, gotcha.  Perhaps you can approach them, say briefly "I'm done with this now, and I understand it was hard for you to deal with me while I was in this relationship," and restart the friendship without bringing this up?  They may not be rejecting YOU, but they may feel drained by the drama of the relationship.  I talk with my therapist and one or two friends who can deal with it, and the rest I focus on them (helps that, sadly, they all live 1,000 miles away now) or other things going on in my life.  I really try to stay positive, though it's hard as I seem to be having to deal with multiple bad things right now. 

[GustheDog]

I've been so fortunate in this regard – my friends are all still there. Unfortunately, I am still neglecting them to this day. And I feel horribly about this, but I just don't have the presence of mind yet to even think about being my "old" self again. So I usually end up turning down their invitations, and I hope such invitations hold out long enough until I'm ready to start accepting them again.

[Changed4safety]

One of the people who's stuck with me is someone who lost her husband in a car accident at age 33 (she's 47 now, remarried).  She was very, very angry (not confirmed, but it might have been suicide).  She told her friends, "I never know if I'm going to be able to accept your invitations.  I'm likely going to decline for a while.  But please... .  keep asking me, and when I am ready, I will."

More and more I realize that this is a grieving process because of the nature of the bond.  Maybe something like the above might help with your friends?  Let them know that you're not blowing them off, you're just not ready, but you really value them and appreciate being contacted. 

[lockedout]

You have many acquaintances but very few friends. I was never an overly social person with a contacts list full of friends. But the few I've always had have always stayed loyal to me. I alienated them over the years; first because of the passive-aggressive and hot interrogation I would get after then I simply got tired of lying to people about how great things were and always thought I would get back to it once I "came around" and became the husband she was waiting for me to become.

I started reaching out soon after moving out and I've been amazed with the reception. I'll open up a little about the problems, and how much depends on who it is. I don't want to be contacting them only because I'm going through a rough time. There are some invitations and I'm not afraid to decline if I need time to recharge - good friends won't need an explanation, but will still get you to keep trying. I hadn't spoken to some of them for over 5 years. On of which was a former girlfriend that I'd stayed friends with after we'd broken up over ten years ago.


At some point you really do need to take them up on it - spending time with them is therapeutic and should not be centered around the situation. Most likely they have some understanding of your pain and want you out doing something for distraction to keep you from wallowing in your sorrows.

[GustheDog]

One of the people who's stuck with me is someone who lost her husband in a car accident at age 33 (she's 47 now, remarried).  She was very, very angry (not confirmed, but it might have been suicide).  She told her friends, "I never know if I'm going to be able to accept your invitations.  I'm likely going to decline for a while.  But please... .  keep asking me, and when I am ready, I will."

More and more I realize that this is a grieving process because of the nature of the bond.  Maybe something like the above might help with your friends?  Let them know that you're not blowing them off, you're just not ready, but you really value them and appreciate being contacted. 

Thank you, this is good advice. I have had a similar conversation with a couple of my closest friends, and they understand. I guess I'll have to find a way to ease into it with the others as well.

[GreenMango]

My mom when I was a teenager told me to be careful of the company you keep.  These little nuggets of wisdom really make sense after all this.

I lost one friendship and strained family relationships.  Things are better now but it meant knuckling down and rebuilding them.

First and last time I keep this kind of company.  Nasty lesson.

[HarmKrakow]

You have many acquaintances but very few friends. I was never an overly social person with a contacts list full of friends. But the few I've always had have always stayed loyal to me. I alienated them over the years; first because of the passive-aggressive and hot interrogation I would get after then I simply got tired of lying to people about how great things were and always thought I would get back to it once I "came around" and became the husband she was waiting for me to become.

I started reaching out soon after moving out and I've been amazed with the reception. I'll open up a little about the problems, and how much depends on who it is. I don't want to be contacting them only because I'm going through a rough time. There are some invitations and I'm not afraid to decline if I need time to recharge - good friends won't need an explanation, but will still get you to keep trying. I hadn't spoken to some of them for over 5 years. On of which was a former girlfriend that I'd stayed friends with after we'd broken up over ten years ago.


At some point you really do need to take them up on it - spending time with them is therapeutic and should not be centered around the situation. Most likely they have some understanding of your pain and want you out doing something for distraction to keep you from wallowing in your sorrows.

It's not that I can't give them a visit. Their door is always open for me. When I want to have a chat, I can give them a call. However, the majority tells me, get your ~ together. I mean, they give you good advice, get the fudge away from your BPD r/s, she's pulling you down, she's not letting you sleep nor eat properly. So why stay with her? Why?

So yeah, I told my friends 1 thing, and I did the other because hey man, love prevails in this world right? It does... right? No of course not. Maybe they are trying to tell me a lesson.

[lockedout]

As long as they don't take it too far, I can see their point of view. As much as friends are there to hear your troubles, I'm sure it's hard for them to have to hear of the emotional abuse. I've had friends over the years who have come to me for similar problems and it can be draining. I'm sure its worse when a PD is involved. And if they take that burden upon themselves then feel the encouragement that you're going to do something to change the situation, followed by going right back to that person, it can be a very big disappointment. If they keep up that pattern, they are, for all intents and purposes, enablers of your co-dependence.

[GreenMango]

good observation Lockedout... .  no friend wants to repeatedly deal with this kind of stuff.

Bottom line a friendship is a give and take for both people... .  but if you are wearing your support network down with this and taking them on your emotional ride it can take it's toll.

Sometimes, I'd say most times, when the emotional stress is bad enough to get to the point where a therapist or a qualified mental health pro is the most equipped to help you deal/attend to this then see that person.  Friends that enable you can be bad too... .  good heart but maybe not the healthiest choice.

No need to soil a relationship with it.