What I want is to feel normal, and to feel happy. I think about life without him in it, and it feels difficult.
[snip]
What I want, if Im honest I will probably never get and that is the support and care he 'used to' freely provide me.
[snip]
I just feel pain and grief.
Hi pixiepie,
I read your new member posts, and I'm really sorry you're still in the middle of this. But as other members have said, this is a great place and many people have been through situations like yours. No one's is exactly the same, but there are elements that you can see that are common, if you look at the material here.
And this is the leaving board, so I'm going to assume you're serious about leaving. If not, I suggest you post on the undecided or the staying, where the posters have more experience with those approaches.
If you're leaving, then my take on your stories so far is that you are severely conflicted. Maybe even mostly in the denial stage. This is a necessary stage, so don't feel bad about that. But it's a stage, you go through it, you come out the other side.
In addition to the links the other posters have given, here's one that was key for me. It's the 10 Myths we tell ourselves that keep us stuck.
Lesson 2: 10 Beliefs that can you get stuckThis link leads to other links with an article for each Myth, and at the bottom of that there are also links to a full forum thread where each is discussed by posters.
10 Beliefs + links to forum threadsI read all of them the first few days I came here, and by the end I knew what I'd been missing and what I needed to do. I hope it can help you too. Below I'll paste in the summaries of the 10 myths (this is from the first link).
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
We often believe that our BPD partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Read more... .
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. Read more... .
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your BPD partners concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts... . Read more... .
4) Belief that love can prevail
Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now. For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul... . Read more... .
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
The idealization stages of a relationship with a BPD partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes.
BPD mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization". Your BPD partner may believe this too... . Read more... .
6) Clinging to the words that were said
We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”
Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship... . Read more... .
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words... .
People with BPD hear and read very well. But when emotions are flared, the ability to understand diminishes greatly. This implies... . Read more... .
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
We often think that by holding back or depriving our BPD partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us. During an actual breakup it is different. Distancing triggers all kinds of abandonment... . Read more... .
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them
You might want to stay to help your partner. Possibly to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior... . Read more... .
10) Belief that they have seen the light
Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away... . Read more... .
PP
