Can somebody please explain this?

[willy45]

Hi all,

There are two things that are going on with me that I can't seem to explain or understand:

1) I recently saw my ex about 3 weeks ago. I really didn't want to but got sucked back in with guilt. I used to think she was the hottest thing in the world. When I saw her in person, I didn't think she was attractive at all. I thought she looked like an old lady and when I hugged her, it was like hugging an empty zombie. I really didn't think she was attractive at all. I found her gross. But, after leaving, I can't stop thinking about how hot she is and I fantasize about her all the time. What is up with that? I don't get it. In real life, I find her gross. Seriously. When she isn't around, I think she is so super duper hot. What is going on? This sucks.

2) I compare everything I do to her. Every aspect of my life. I compare to her. My work. My relationships. My friendships. My travel. My family. My past. My present. My future. Everything and anything. I compare it to her and immediately devalue myself because I think what she has or what she is doing is infinitely better than me. This despite the fact that I have a pretty amazing life, friends, work, family. I don't get it.

Please help! This is making me crazy.

[charred]

Sounds like you are idolizing her. I had a exBPDgf that was same kind of thing, I had fallen for her in college nearly 30 yrs ago, and she dumped me abruptly, then years later I talked to her on phone and all the old feelings came back. Saw her in person and she was heavy, had short bowl haircut, had let herself go, yet my feelings were all just like they had been when she was young, cute and attractive. I saw her, she lost weight, grew her hair out and transformed back in to the person I had thought she was years ago... .  but it was all my view of her, not how she really was.

So why did all that happen? In my case, I grew up with a really cold mother (she lost her own mother when she was 5 and then her father left to be in WW2 and she had to raise her younger sisters)... so my mom was very low-touch, unfriendly. My exBPDgf ignored boundaries and would just ignore any distancing I used and get close to me, during the first 8 mos or so of our r/s it seemed like she had the unconditional love I had never had in my life (like you get from your mother as an infant... .  if your mother is normal)... and I was hooked. Breaking up with her was near impossible, and when she just dumped me it was devastating... .  like losing your mother, years later I still had strong feelings, but not based on reality, rather on the position of need I had filled with her... and that is what the clingy/intense/dysfunctional r/s is... .  a case of almost reciprocal needs acting out. The user 2010 posted a lot on how that works (karpman drama triangle, etc)... .  those posts helped me to understand why I would be deeply attracted to someone that physically did nothing for me... .  and it even helped me to try to explain to my exwife (who is attractive and younger than the pwBPD)... how she lost out to an older/unattractive by comparison... wacko.  I was in T and still am, and am finding that the pwBPD managed to get her hooks in to me, and I react to her like I would to a mother... .  even 30 yrs later, I find it hard to detach, despite her being horrible to me time and time again.

Had many other r/s with other ladies, and none were at all like this dysfunctional one. It sounds to me like perhaps you had an idealizing time with her and it got you hooked, or she is close enough to what you need deep down (in some way) to make you idolize her and ignore whats real about her appearance. If that is off... .  I am sure there is much much more that is... .  you get   when something is not right. I didn't heed my red flags, and ended up divorced, losing my family, and not being able to stand really being in a r/s with my pwBPD, as it was so intensely dysfunctional.

[trevjim]

I feel the same about my ex and im working hard to try and take her of that pedastal in my mind, not that anything seems to be doing that .

Strangly i watched a program the other day, and it asked people to work with a mock up artist to draw their partners, and the amazing thing was, all the pictures where a closer resemblence to their partner at the time they met and first fell in love, as opposed to how they look now.

it seems our brain holds on to how they used to look when we first made that connection.

[charred]

I feel the same about my ex and im working hard to try and take her of that pedastal in my mind, not that anything seems to be doing that .

Strangly i watched a program the other day, and it asked people to work with a mock up artist to draw their partners, and the amazing thing was, all the pictures where a closer resemblence to their partner at the time they met and first fell in love, as opposed to how they look now.

it seems our brain holds on to how they used to look when we first made that connection.

That would seem to be a very good thing normally, an adaptive behavior. As your partner gets older and loses the eye appeal, they still have it to you. Most the time it probably is good if it works that way. For me having an unattractive disordered woman from my distant past disrupt my present was a very bad thing... .  but that went well beyond her looks. She did lose 100+ lbs, and now is nice looking, but even if you rebind a horrible book... .  its still deep down, a bad read.

Would love to know more about that research, sounds like part of what was going on.

[willy45]

Any suggestions on what to do about it?

[waitaminute]

I'd like to suggest another phenomena at play here.

I've known only a few women with mental illness. But there is a common feature to those few. They can completely change their appearance. I don't think its a conscious thing. Even facial muscles seem to loosen, tighten, redistribute, accentuate in different ways at different times. They can appear like the iron faced heavy industry worker one day, a starlet at other times, then a child, a waif, a seducer... .   ugly one day, one hour, beautiful the next.

Amazing at one level, sad at another.

[seeking balance]

Hi all,

There are two things that are going on with me that I can't seem to explain or understand:

1) I recently saw my ex about 3 weeks ago. I really didn't want to but got sucked back in with guilt. I used to think she was the hottest thing in the world. When I saw her in person, I didn't think she was attractive at all. I thought she looked like an old lady and when I hugged her, it was like hugging an empty zombie. I really didn't think she was attractive at all. I found her gross. But, after leaving, I can't stop thinking about how hot she is and I fantasize about her all the time. What is up with that? I don't get it. In real life, I find her gross. Seriously. When she isn't around, I think she is so super duper hot. What is going on? This sucks.

2) I compare everything I do to her. Every aspect of my life. I compare to her. My work. My relationships. My friendships. My travel. My family. My past. My present. My future. Everything and anything. I compare it to her and immediately devalue myself because I think what she has or what she is doing is infinitely better than me. This despite the fact that I have a pretty amazing life, friends, work, family. I don't get it.

Please help! This is making me crazy.

This is the time to focus on YOU and YOUR motivations for this relationship. 

When members go through this, the idealization phase tends to hit us at a time when we were most vulnerable and this person in some way "healed" us.  We now have what is called a "loaded" bond relationship.

Take a look at the full article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm

"Breaking Up Was Never this Hard

Is this because you partner was so special?

Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you."

Focus on you - what was going on with you when this relationship hit?  Were you lonely?

[trevjim]

I'm lonely, I've got freinds and that, but what I want most in life is a wife and kids etc, so I do we be happy when I don't have that