Adult son of a mother with BPD

[Kwamina]

I always knew that there was something seriously wrong with my mother but I just never knew what. Her behavior had a very negative influence on me growing up and when I was a young adult. For many years I lived alone with her and the way she treated me when we were alone was very different from the way she acted when other people were around. This made it nearly impossible for me as a child to tell other people about her behavior because they just wouldn’t believe it and I also started questioning my own perceptions of reality because the two sides of my mother were so extremely different. Every time I felt good about myself or was enthusiastic about something, she always made negative comments. I always felt very much on guard because she could turn on me any moment. At crucial points in my life like my first week at the university, she completely exploded on me and raged like she had never done before and blamed and accused me of all sorts of things. I experienced depression at a very young age, there are several factors that contributed to this but I’ve come to realize that it was mainly a result of the way my mother treated me. When I was in my teens my mother was shortly treated by a psychiatrist but after he got sick and died, she unfortunately didn’t seek any further treatment by anyone else. In her mind her psychiatrist falling ill was a sign that she shouldn’t do this or that everything always goes bad for her. In her mind there’s nothing wrong with her but everyone else is crazy.

I’m 31 years old now and a few years ago I read an article by Andrea E. Lamont about mothers with borderline personality disorder. This was a turning point in my life because I recognized a lot of my own experiences in her writings. For the first time I realized that I’m not the only one going through this. It was very strange and liberating at the same time to read this article by someone who had never talked to me or any of my family members, yet still accurately described many of my own experiences. Since then I’ve read several great books about borderline personality disorder and depression that have helped me a great deal. I’m feeling much better now than I used to, which is amazing because I still have a lot of very difficult days. This made me realize for the first time how deeply depressed I had truly been al those years. To survive I had partly cut myself off from my real emotions because it was just too much for me to handle. Now that I’m recovering it feels like I’m connected with my true emotions again and this is sometimes really overwhelming because I’m re-experiencing a lot of my past trauma’s. The difference now is that although it’s very hard and painful, I’m able to feel the way I feel now without breaking down and sinking into depression and I’m also able to talk about it now. Well this is enough for now  

Kwamina

[Vindi]

*welcome*Kwamina you made a huge first step by posting here. Sorry for all the pain you have endured thru the years and that your mom stopped seeing the psychiatrist. I am glad that you did some reading on BPD to help you understand the issues your mom is going thru. I am also glad you are not keeping things in and letting yourself feel your feelings, that is all good. Do you think you could tt your mom about going back to see a therapist or getting some help or would this just make things worse?

here is a link to check out:

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

I do wish you the best and please keep posting here, you will realize there is so many people and so much support and it takes away that alone feeling.

[Rockylove]

  Kwamina!  Although the reason you've come to this site was driven by a difficult past, we're glad you've found us and hope you'll find some comfort in knowing there are people here that have similar experiences.  

It certainly sounds like you're off to a great start on the road to recovering from the past.  Keep reading and posting.  I believe you will find the folks here a wonderful source of encouragement.

[Kwamina]

@Vindi

Thanks for the warm welcome! I've kinda given up on my mother going to see a therapist again. She doesn't acknowledge that she has a problem and the last couple of years that I still lived in the same house with her, her behavior actually escalated. This came as a complete surprise to me at the time because I really believed that she would change and stop hurting me. Now I'm at a point that I don't believe she's ever gonna change and I'm completely focusing on changing myself and the way I deal with and respond to her behavior. What's really disturbing is that my oldest sister actually exhibits the same behavior as my mother. A few years ago the two of them ganged up on me and I had to deal with two 'witches' at the same time. One borderliner is bad enough, but two…...

Thanks for the link, I’m certainly gonna check it out!

[Kwamina]

@Rockylove

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement! I really did have a difficult past with my family, the strange thing is that because it had always been like this I actually got used to a lot of crazy behavior. Certain extreme behaviors didn’t even shock me anymore, my only reaction was here we go again. Now looking back I realize that a lot of things were totally unacceptable.

[mosaicbird]

Hi Kwamina! I can relate to your story a lot. 

Unless we had healthy adult role models outside the family as a child, it takes being an adult to realize that the disordered environments we grew up in were not normal. I'm around your age, and I feel as though I've spent my entire adulthood so far learning new things about how "normal" people behave. Integrating them and replacing the beliefs we were taught as children is tough. Fortunately I have a good friend I can turn to for "No, you're not crazy. That wasn't normal!" reality checks.

[WrongWoman]

Welcome, Kwamina - you'll find many people here who can relate to what you've been through.  It helps to know we're not alone, doesn't it?

[Kwamina]

Thanks for your comments mosaicbird! Good for you that you have a good friend you can turn to! I've also found it very helpful to be able to talk to people about this.

It really feels like I'm seeing with new eyes now. Not only am I realizing more and more how damaging my mother's behavior was to me as a developing child, I'm also seeing how greatly my own behavior towards other people was influenced by her. My youngest sister, who is still a lot older than me used to be my 'healthy adult' role model. Unfortunately for me she moved out of at a young age cause she just couldn't take anymore. In the mind of my mother this daughter was the 'all-bad child' while she viewed her oldest daughter as the 'all-good child'. In reality however, my youngest sister was the only other normal person in the house while my older sister exhibits the same borderline traits as my mother.

Take care.

[Kwamina]

@WrongWoman

It sure does!  I first learned of BPD when I read an article about it a few years ago. It was almost a surreal experience to read about other people who had experiences so similar to those of my own. One thing that really struck me in the article was what they call 'defensive splitting', one moment you're treated like an angel and the next like you're the devil while nothing in your own behavior has changed. This was one aspect of my mother's behavior that I really couldn't understand and I was stunned when I found out that there actually are more people who behave like this and that this is an aspect of BPD.

Thanks for welcoming me and have a great day!

[mosaicbird]

I'm also seeing how greatly my own behavior towards other people was influenced by her.

Doesn't that suck?   I spent my entire adolescence vowing not to be like her. But the more I learn about this disorder and its manifestations, the more I come to realize that I'm just another version of her that developed a different outer presentation. Yuck.

But since we're willing to acknowledge our issues and seek help for them, we will hopefully get out of this quagmire, unlike the previous generation.

[Odysseus.]

Hi Kwamina:

Thanks for sharing your story and it really helps us all to know that we're not alone.  I have recently lost my BPD mother but I am so glad that I found this safe place, even if only for the past two years.  I really wish I had found here earlier but that didn't happen.

Many of your experiences and feelings mirror mine, although we all experience them individually.  I am working my way through the 'Survivor's Guide' here on the right of the screen.  But I am also listening to all the many wise people on here and from that I will make my recovery and heal.  They are abundantly generous of of spirit.  I also always look at the map and remind myself how many other people on here are making the same journey, just as different speeds and times.

The lessons on here and the coping tools such as SET, DEARMAN and others will help you to create the boundaries, the confidence and build your self-esteem that will help you on your journey.

Do you have someone that you can talk to when things get tough, someone that you can trust to understand, be non-judgmental and let you be safe with them?  Sometimes it's really difficult to be vulnerable with someone that we think is a friend only to discover that they judge and say how can we talk about a mother like that.

Love and light Kwamina.  Hugs from the UK x

[Kwamina]

Dear Odysseus,

Thank you very much for your comments. I'm very sorry to hear that you recently lost your mother, I would like to offer my sincere condolences. How was your relationship with your mother?

I also wished I had known about BPD earlier so I could have developed coping skills earlier and protected myself better. I've read some great books the last couple of years and they have helped me enormously. But hey it could have been worse of course, we could still have been walking around without any knowledge of BPD or this website!

I do have someone I can talk to about this but I'm very careful. I've also experienced what it is like to open up to someone who totally doesn't understand what it is like living with someone with BPD or who is in denial because of her/his own painful experiences. These kinda things can make it even more difficult to trust people but I've also learned that it takes time to know who you can trust and that it sometimes takes a test like this to find out if you can really trust someone.

Well take care and I really hope that you'll find a way to heal from all the pain you've been through.

[Kwamina]

Doesn't that suck?   I spent my entire adolescence vowing not to be like her. But the more I learn about this disorder and its manifestations, the more I come to realize that I'm just another version of her that developed a different outer presentation. Yuck.

But since we're willing to acknowledge our issues and seek help for them, we will hopefully get out of this quagmire, unlike the previous generation.

Now that you mention it, it really does suck!

You make a very valid point about acknowledging our issues and seeking help. It's true what's often said that you can't change what you don't acknowledge. That is one of the big differences between me and my mother and oldest sister. The two of them really don't acknowledge that they have a problem and when I confront them with their behavior, they act as if they don't know what I'm talking about, justify their behavior, blame me and/or assume an extreme victim-role.

[Odysseus.]

A gentle reflection, MosaicBird & Kwamina on your thoughts about becoming like your mothers.

Whenever I had spent some time with my mother or just spoken with her on the telephone, my partner or my kids would say that I was either talking much louder or becoming argumentative.

You'll find some good stuff on here about the concept of 'Fleas' with relatives of BPD people.  The concept is that if you lie with the dog then eventually you'll catch some fleas.  And that's how it is with BPD.  So don't reproach yourself too much when that happens.  The great thing is that you're catching that behaviour in your mind when it happens and reflecting on it.  People with BPD can rarely do that.

Writing a daily journal helps me to notice my behaviour from years of exposure to this craziness and helps me to regulate it.  I am far from perfect but as with you guys, I have insight, and that helps the BPD 'fleas' to burn out in those close to the craziness.

J x

[uli77]

My youngest sister, who is still a lot older than me used to be my 'healthy adult' role model. Unfortunately for me she moved out of at a young age cause she just couldn't take anymore. In the mind of my mother this daughter was the 'all-bad child' while she viewed her oldest daughter as the 'all-good child'. In reality however, my youngest sister was the only other normal person in the house while my older sister exhibits the same borderline traits as my mother.

The two of them really don't acknowledge that they have a problem and when I confront them with their behavior, they act as if they don't know what I'm talking about, justify their behavior, blame me and/or assume an extreme victim-role.

My husband has such a similar experience in his own family. I know it's made things much harder on him, in dealing with is own mother, that she has the support of the older sister... .  they feed off of, mimic, and validate each other. His younger sister gave up a long time ago so it's just been him, trying to deal with these two. I offer the support I can but I know it's an incredibly lonely place for him to be in. I feel for you, dude. I'm new to this, after 15 years I finally understand, or am beginning to understand what he's been dealing with and what the reality of the situation is. Anyway, my best to you.

[Kwamina]

@uli77

Thanks for your kind words! I'm sorry to hear that your husband is going through the same thing. It's a very lonely place indeed. For many years I still had the hope that my mother would change one day... .  but now I don't. The turning point for me was mother’s day a few years ago, my mother and oldest sister ganged up on me and I realized that I couldn’t go on like this anymore. They weren’t gonna change so I focused on changing myself. In some ways this actually makes it a lot easier for me because I've basically lowered my expectations of them and as a result I'm less disappointed and hurt when they misbehave and I'm better able to respond to their bad behavior. I hope you and your husband will also find new and better ways to cope with this difficult situation.