is this normal BPD stuff after they rage & leave?

[Moonie75]

Is this normal BPD stuff?

Final parting words from her were ":)on't ever contact me again, unless you're terminally ill"  (I'm still trying to understand that odd request).

My ex is VERY high functioning & the 'outside world' has little to no chance of finding her anything other than charming & lovely. But, Over the last 3 years she's slowly but very successfully detached me from many friends who've come to dispare of my relationship with her. But the better few have remained solid friends & are there when it matters most, though they have little or no desire to spend time around her. She fell out with my best friend about a year ago & has never showed any signs of wanting to repair the damage. He's just moved to house with his girlfriend & he got a phone call from my uexBPD full of well wishes, then they get a "good look in your new home card"!

Another friend of mine she's never had much time for is a painter & decorator. She contacted him in last few days & asked him if he's be interested in redecorating the entire downstairs of her house? Then after a lengthy phone call about it she let him know that she would be in the market to have the work done some time before Christmas!

She's sent three messages to me since her final request was voiced but none of them have appeared to seek a reply & I can't understand that. The messages have been informative of trivial things that don't matter (to the extent that the messages themselves are totally pointless). And this have left me able to maintain her requested (and accepted) NC request.

Is this normal BPD stuff? I've read much on here about them recycling & coming back once,twice, three times (we're on three times) or more. But I've read nothing on her of ex's ending the relationship after splitting you black & then seemingly wanting to repair the perriferal damage they did while they were in your life!

She's never done this before & I'm finding NC much easier than on past break ups. But though this one feels like the real deal in my gut, I'm very confused... .  HELP pls.

[mosaicbird]

I would suspect that your ex is trying to repair the damage for her own sake, not yours. Trying to appear normal, sane, and approachable so that if and when you tell those friends about her, they'll think you're the one that's crazy.

[TheDude]

Is this normal BPD stuff?

Heh. My first thought about this was that there's nothing "normal" about 'BPD stuff'... .  at all!

I get what you meant, though.

You'll drive yourself nuts if you try and decipher her cryptic agendas. I've done 3 recycles, too, and the only conclusion I can come to about anything she does is that the only predictable thing she does is being unpredictable... .  

[hithere]

Is this normal BPD stuff?

Sounds typical to me.  My BPDex texted my daughter a few times and even my ex-wife, she messaged my friends, etc... .  

It is just their way of trying to stay engaged in your life and maybe keeping you warm on the side for a recycle attempt in case something doesn't work-out with their next victim.

[seeking balance]

She's never done this before & I'm finding NC much easier than on past break ups. But though this one feels like the real deal in my gut, I'm very confused... .  HELP pls.

Her behavior is not really about you.  No idea why she is contacting your friend group - it might be a simple, straight-forward answer or some complex coping behavior - either way, trying to find something rational is going to be crazy-making on your part.

You are done, right?  Well, be done - perhaps let your friends know you don't want to hear news of her... .  that it makes your head spin.  I did that, because frankly I was tired of being confused trying to analyze actions that were no longer really my concern.

[Moonie75]

Yeah I am done this time. Don't know why but not struggling AS MUCH but that's not to say still a little with the NC. I get the responses to why she may be contacting my friend group for any number of reasons.

Still puzzled by her wanting to contact me with trivial stuff that requires no response (and i really don't think that's the objective either). She's not really testing anything if she's not requiring a reply! First few messages were angry & agressive & the recent ones have been kinda ok & chippa... .  But still requiring no reply & therefor have not been given any.

But I do wish she would stop. I'm missing her in the sense that you normally miss someone at the end of a normal relationship ending. But have been quite pleased with myself for not getting too hung up on what she's done to me because I've accepted I chose a partner that is mentally unwell, so I kind of have to take some responsibility for my own choices, judgements & decisions (whether I'm happy with them or not). Unsurprisingly I'm not happy with the choices I've made & that's helped me both look deeper into myself, and to accept the consequences of this relationship without getting too washed up about what SHE did! What about what I did? I allowed it to happen to me & only I can be held resposible for that NOT HER!

Ramble over, sorry. But i would like her to continue with our mutual NC, and just tweek it a bit so she doesn't keep reminding me she's still out there in the world every 10 days or so.

[trouble11]

I think they sometimes word their texts in that way so if you don't reply they won't feel rejected.  I've gotten tons of these over the years. 

[AbayaLady]

I'm in the same boat. He goes a while without texting then out of the blue, there will be a string of messages that either tell me how terrible I am or how great I am, but that require no response. I think you are right in it being their way of reminding us they are still there and they still have some control since they can reach us. But the last poster is also probably correct—asking for no response leaves them less vulnerable and they get to feel like they were "right" since what they said went unchallenged.

She might just be bored and seeking some kind of attention too. My stbxuBPDh would sulk if I didn't text him a lot throughout the work day and he wanted to be on the phone CONSTANTLY outside of work/school.

Glad it is easier for you this time and that you are done for good. I keep wanting to send him a message now and then to tell him how messed up this/he is but it won't help. STAY STRONG and wish me luck, this is the first (and only I hope!) break-up for me after a three-month relationship that felt like three years.