I'm back and needing support

[onesmartcookie39]

I went NC with my mother a week or two before Thanksgiving. I was expecting an extinction burst and it never came. I was tip toeing around waiting for the boogie man to jump out from behind a corner because this is not like my mother to go down without a fight. I blocked her from my email and I screen all my calls. Nothing happened. If she did email me, I never got it. As weeks passed I started getting a little more comfortable. Started to finally breathe. Maybe she will let me go?

Of course it didn't last. I am holding in my hands a letter from her. I always said I would be strong enough to rip it up. But I haven't ripped it up yet. Just staring at it. I am sure it's filled with all kinds of words that will make me feel a rush of emotions. I'm sure there will be plenty of guilt in it. Probably guilt trips more than anything else. Why can one little letter freak me out so badly that I go practically catatonic?

It was the Thanksgiving before last that I stumbled on BPD. My mother wasn't getting her way about Thanksgiving because I refused to attend if my bipolar alcoholic drug addict sister attended. So my mother- turning the tears on and with anger said she wished she never had any of us children. That's when I realized there wasn't anything she wouldn't say to get her way. So I typed in "manipulative mother" in a search engine and stumbled upon BPD. The light went on, I made discovery after discovery. I started understanding my childhood. I started understanding the more subtle emotional abuse that I didn't realize was really a much bigger part of all my childhood trauma. I thought all the fighting, tantrums, fits of rage, crying, abandonment, divorcing my father, suicide attempts, I thought that was my trauma. I didn't realize that the deepest part of my trauma was the emotional incest. I still haven't fully told my story on here. There's just so much to say.

Anyway ever since I discovered the truth- I just can't deal with anything that has to do with my mother. I feel an enormous rush of emotions, then I just shut down and run away. Which is why I chose NC. Because I just can't be around her anymore. Now that I know the truth and see her for what she is, the PAS she did to my father, and so much more, I just can't stand to be around her. I feel guilty. I still sickly love her. But then I realize I'm in love with a wolf in sheep's clothing so I feel disgusted. I see her through clear eyes now and I just can't have a relationship with her knowing who she really is and what she really did. None of it is real. The love isn't real. She never loved me. It's just so hard to take this all in. To not try and deny the truth. To think I'm the crazy one making it up. I can't barely admit it much less process it. So here I am- stuck in this emotional black hole.

Soo here I am... .  Wanting to hear you tell me RIP IT UP. RIP THE LETTER UP AND SPARE YOURSELF... .  

[redroom]

Rip it up!  That's the good advice, although I know if it were me curiousity would get the best of me... .   

One thing that helps me, though, is keeping in mind that I don't have to make a decision either way right this second, or today, or soon.  There's nothing wrong with stashing the unopened letter in a closet somewhere and dealing with it if/when you feel up to it. 

I have a few emails from my mom saved (before I blocked her account), and I'll go through them from time to time, to remind myself of how bad she really is.  And I never know when I'll need "proof" of something.  In my case, almost every single person thinks that my mom's a sweet angel-victim.  I'm slowly catching on to who she is, but no one really believes what I've gone through.  In a few of my emails, I do have a little bit of proof at least that something was off.  But I don't know why I feel I need proof, either.  Sometimes I just get a laugh at how outrageous they are. 

Burning also works.   

[Lunira]

I went NC with my mother a week or two before Thanksgiving. I was expecting an extinction burst and it never came. I was tip toeing around waiting for the boogie man to jump out from behind a corner because this is not like my mother to go down without a fight. I blocked her from my email and I screen all my calls. Nothing happened. If she did email me, I never got it. As weeks passed I started getting a little more comfortable. Started to finally breathe. Maybe she will let me go?

Of course it didn't last. I am holding in my hands a letter from her. I always said I would be strong enough to rip it up. But I haven't ripped it up yet. Just staring at it. I am sure it's filled with all kinds of words that will make me feel a rush of emotions. I'm sure there will be plenty of guilt in it. Probably guilt trips more than anything else. Why can one little letter freak me out so badly that I go practically catatonic?

It was the Thanksgiving before last that I stumbled on BPD. My mother wasn't getting her way about Thanksgiving because I refused to attend if my bipolar alcoholic drug addict sister attended. So my mother- turning the tears on and with anger said she wished she never had any of us children. That's when I realized there wasn't anything she wouldn't say to get her way. So I typed in "manipulative mother" in a search engine and stumbled upon BPD. The light went on, I made discovery after discovery. I started understanding my childhood. I started understanding the more subtle emotional abuse that I didn't realize was really a much bigger part of all my childhood trauma. I thought all the fighting, tantrums, fits of rage, crying, abandonment, divorcing my father, suicide attempts, I thought that was my trauma. I didn't realize that the deepest part of my trauma was the emotional incest. I still haven't fully told my story on here. There's just so much to say.

Anyway ever since I discovered the truth- I just can't deal with anything that has to do with my mother. I feel an enormous rush of emotions, then I just shut down and run away. Which is why I chose NC. Because I just can't be around her anymore. Now that I know the truth and see her for what she is, the PAS she did to my father, and so much more, I just can't stand to be around her. I feel guilty. I still sickly love her. But then I realize I'm in love with a wolf in sheep's clothing so I feel disgusted. I see her through clear eyes now and I just can't have a relationship with her knowing who she really is and what she really did. None of it is real. The love isn't real. She never loved me. It's just so hard to take this all in. To not try and deny the truth. To think I'm the crazy one making it up. I can't barely admit it much less process it. So here I am- stuck in this emotional black hole.

Soo here I am... .  Wanting to hear you tell me RIP IT UP. RIP THE LETTER UP AND SPARE YOURSELF... .  

Whether you read it, save it, burn it, or tear it into bits and flush it down the toilet... .  that's your choice.  And no matter which you choose, it doesn't mean you're "not strong" or a bad person.  

The love isn't real because they're not real.  There's no "self" in there to do the loving, does that make any sense?  And it's so alien to any normal way of thinking or living... .  feeling profoundly disoriented, numb, wanting to flee, etc. when you think on it overlong is only natural.  And for the most part that reaction is healthy, at least imo.  It's that mammalian midbrain, honed though millions of years of trial and error at evolution's drawing board, and it is warning you to get away from this person and stay away.

[onesmartcookie39]

Rip it up!  That's the good advice, although I know if it were me curiousity would get the best of me... .   

One thing that helps me, though, is keeping in mind that I don't have to make a decision either way right this second, or today, or soon.  There's nothing wrong with stashing the unopened letter in a closet somewhere and dealing with it if/when you feel up to it. 

I have a few emails from my mom saved (before I blocked her account), and I'll go through them from time to time, to remind myself of how bad she really is.  And I never know when I'll need "proof" of something.  In my case, almost every single person thinks that my mom's a sweet angel-victim.  I'm slowly catching on to who she is, but no one really believes what I've gone through.  In a few of my emails, I do have a little bit of proof at least that something was off.  But I don't know why I feel I need proof, either.  Sometimes I just get a laugh at how outrageous they are. 

Burning also works.   

I know what you mean about proof... .  Even though my dad and I have both explained to my husband over and over he just doesn't get how I could cut my mom off forever including not going to her funeral. I told him of course you don't understand because you weren't abused. I told him would anyone who hadn't been abused get this freaked out over a letter? Do I normally freak out about things like this? No. So obviously if a letter from my mother has me on my knees, clearly, there is something wrong here.

I still have the letter... .  Sitting on my desk... .  I think there's a part of me that would feel a great relief in sticking it in the shredder.

[onesmartcookie39]

I went NC with my mother a week or two before Thanksgiving. I was expecting an extinction burst and it never came. I was tip toeing around waiting for the boogie man to jump out from behind a corner because this is not like my mother to go down without a fight. I blocked her from my email and I screen all my calls. Nothing happened. If she did email me, I never got it. As weeks passed I started getting a little more comfortable. Started to finally breathe. Maybe she will let me go?

Of course it didn't last. I am holding in my hands a letter from her. I always said I would be strong enough to rip it up. But I haven't ripped it up yet. Just staring at it. I am sure it's filled with all kinds of words that will make me feel a rush of emotions. I'm sure there will be plenty of guilt in it. Probably guilt trips more than anything else. Why can one little letter freak me out so badly that I go practically catatonic?

It was the Thanksgiving before last that I stumbled on BPD. My mother wasn't getting her way about Thanksgiving because I refused to attend if my bipolar alcoholic drug addict sister attended. So my mother- turning the tears on and with anger said she wished she never had any of us children. That's when I realized there wasn't anything she wouldn't say to get her way. So I typed in "manipulative mother" in a search engine and stumbled upon BPD. The light went on, I made discovery after discovery. I started understanding my childhood. I started understanding the more subtle emotional abuse that I didn't realize was really a much bigger part of all my childhood trauma. I thought all the fighting, tantrums, fits of rage, crying, abandonment, divorcing my father, suicide attempts, I thought that was my trauma. I didn't realize that the deepest part of my trauma was the emotional incest. I still haven't fully told my story on here. There's just so much to say.

Anyway ever since I discovered the truth- I just can't deal with anything that has to do with my mother. I feel an enormous rush of emotions, then I just shut down and run away. Which is why I chose NC. Because I just can't be around her anymore. Now that I know the truth and see her for what she is, the PAS she did to my father, and so much more, I just can't stand to be around her. I feel guilty. I still sickly love her. But then I realize I'm in love with a wolf in sheep's clothing so I feel disgusted. I see her through clear eyes now and I just can't have a relationship with her knowing who she really is and what she really did. None of it is real. The love isn't real. She never loved me. It's just so hard to take this all in. To not try and deny the truth. To think I'm the crazy one making it up. I can't barely admit it much less process it. So here I am- stuck in this emotional black hole.

Soo here I am... .  Wanting to hear you tell me RIP IT UP. RIP THE LETTER UP AND SPARE YOURSELF... .  

Whether you read it, save it, burn it, or tear it into bits and flush it down the toilet... .  that's your choice.  And no matter which you choose, it doesn't mean you're "not strong" or a bad person.  

The love isn't real because they're not real.  There's no "self" in there to do the loving, does that make any sense?  And it's so alien to any normal way of thinking or living... .  feeling profoundly disoriented, numb, wanting to flee, etc. when you think on it overlong is only natural.  And for the most part that reaction is healthy, at least imo.  It's that mammalian midbrain, honed though millions of years of trial and error at evolution's drawing board, and it is warning you to get away from this person and stay away.

I don't even have to think about it for a long time to want to flee. It's an immediate reaction. Sensory overload. Run. Shut down. Now find something to numb it... .  

Yes no self to do the loving does make sense. Her only identity was through her children and my dad or step dad.

[P.F.Change]

Everyone needs to believe that their parents love them. It is normal for you to love your mother and want her to love you back. It is just more complicated when a mother is abusive and not able to truly love and value her children in the way they need. We have an instinct to go to the mother... .  it's just for us, that well is dry. We can keep falling over ourselves trying to find a few drops in there, or we can accept that we need to look for another source.

I can understand the reaction you are having to getting mail. That always made me anxious even when I was still LC. I think it is a cPTSD response... .  I always feel there is no escape and that even a piece of paper from them in the mailbox is like a deadly weapon. So I have been working with a therapist to deal with that (and a couple other triggers). Do you have a trauma therapist to talk to about all this?

The others are right. You have lots of options and none of them is "wrong." I have a file folder to put anything that might come in the mail from my parents. They sent a letter right after I asked for NC, and it is still in there unopened. I can do something else with it later if I want. I can give it to someone I trust to open and read, if I don't want to see their handwriting or risk FOG; I can open it myself; I can toss it or destroy it or ask someone else to; or I can leave it in that file until I croak. It's up to me and what I feel ready to do. Before NC I used to have my DH get the mail for about a week before birthdays, etc., and he knew I wanted him to toss anything from my parents without telling me about it. I chose to open a file after NC in case I needed evidence for a restraining order.

There isn't a right or wrong answer when it comes to your feelings or what you feel comfortable doing. I like knowing that I don't ever have to do anything right away and I can always decide later.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[linusham]

I know exactly what you mean about the way that letter makes you feel. I can imagine you are hyper aware of it - of where it is even in the house? I get the same intense feelings of dread and turmoil if I even get an email from my sis. In fact she gives me serious heart palpitations - I get that much in a state. Then I feel ridiculous for being in that state. But over years theyv'e traumatized us and I doubt anyone who hasn't dealt with them can understand just how well they know how to twist the knife and just how nasty their words can be.

I agree with others who've said there's no right or wrong answer. And you don't need to make a decsion now. You can sit on it, let it lie and see how you feel in a few weeks or even months or years.

[Human]

Stick it in the shredder. Don't think, just do it.

There is nothing in that letter that you need to read. It doesn't actually concern you. It's all about her. You are related to her by chance, by accident, and you're not responsible for your whole life for an accident you didn't cause. You happened to have been born to someone with an insidiously, subtly, diabolically frustrating and abusive personality disorder, and you are NOT obligated to hear and consider everything that disorder produces and sends in your general direction.

Anything you read in that letter can only upset you, completely unnecessarily. It will contain one or all of the following: manipulation, or insults, or accusations, or worst of all, a dangerous siren song of false apologies and professions of love just to lure you back in.

"I just can't deal with anything that has to do with my mother." That's right, you can't. And you can choose not to!

Please accept my wish for strength and peace as you navigate this. So unfair. It's not your fault. It's none of our faults.

[onesmartcookie39]

Stick it in the shredder. Don't think, just do it.

There is nothing in that letter that you need to read. It doesn't actually concern you. It's all about her. You are related to her by chance, by accident, and you're not responsible for your whole life for an accident you didn't cause. You happened to have been born to someone with an insidiously, subtly, diabolically frustrating and abusive personality disorder, and you are NOT obligated to hear and consider everything that disorder produces and sends in your general direction.

Anything you read in that letter can only upset you, completely unnecessarily. It will contain one or all of the following: manipulation, or insults, or accusations, or worst of all, a dangerous siren song of false apologies and professions of love just to lure you back in.

"I just can't deal with anything that has to do with my mother." That's right, you can't. And you can choose not to!

Please accept my wish for strength and peace as you navigate this. So unfair. It's not your fault. It's none of our faults.

Thank you. That means a lot. All of your support does because no one understands like the people on this board do.