Advice Needed on what to say...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I haven't posted in awhile, so for those of you who don't remember me, let me sum it up. Been married almost 8 years. My H is not as bad as he used to be as far as the rages go, but he cannot/will not hold down a job. I work two jobs, he does nothing... .  

About 2 months ago he finally got a job. A part-time 20 hours a week job, but a job nonetheless. He even started to like it. Last night he was basically fired, as usual, for not being able to keep his mouth shut.

In the past 8 years he might have been employed for 1 year, maybe 2 at the absolute most. I cannot continue to work like I do when he refuses to help me. He wont go to counseling because he doesn't need it, naturally the problem is everyone else, not him.

My problem is I suck at confronting him and telling him that this is and has always been unacceptable. I know that I have to take care of myself, and working like I do with no help from him in any way is not my idea of taking care of myself. Please put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would say to your H in this situation. I am at a loss for words. 

[sotiredtoonice]

I haven't posted in awhile, so for those of you who don't remember me, let me sum it up. Been married almost 8 years. My H is not as bad as he used to be as far as the rages go, but he cannot/will not hold down a job. I work two jobs, he does nothing... .  

About 2 months ago he finally got a job. A part-time 20 hours a week job, but a job nonetheless. He even started to like it. Last night he was basically fired, as usual, for not being able to keep his mouth shut.

In the past 8 years he might have been employed for 1 year, maybe 2 at the absolute most. I cannot continue to work like I do when he refuses to help me. He wont go to counseling because he doesn't need it, naturally the problem is everyone else, not him.

My problem is I suck at confronting him and telling him that this is and has always been unacceptable. I know that I have to take care of myself, and working like I do with no help from him in any way is not my idea of taking care of myself. Please put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would say to your H in this situation. I am at a loss for words. 

[sotiredtoonice]

Ok, well I guess no one has any ideas

[gina louise]

sotiredtoonice,

wow I just read your post. that's a very tough spot to be in. You are probably feeling all kinds of anxious right now.

I am so sorry this happened to you guys.

Can you try to validate whatever he's feeling FIRST? that's IF he will talk about it.

validation smooths the way. He will feel less antagonized if you start with saying I can tell you are upset-Anyone would feel horrible about getting fired... .  etc...

a few validating sentences helps a lot. it works magic on my H. every time even via text or e-mail.

Then say-OK I can tell how being fired really sucks, How are YOU (meaning HIM) going to handle this?

put it back in his hands. It was his job.

let us know! and good luck,

GL

[almost789]

sotiredtoonice- "Please put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would say to your H in this situation."

You may not like this answer, but you asked what would I say to my husband in this situation. No job in 8 years, you working 2. Him doing nothing. Here is what I would say to him if he was my husband.

Get a job and contribute or get out.

[sotiredtoonice]

Well as it turns out, they didn't fire him - this time. Although I am sure there will be a next time.

Gina Louise, I dont really get the whole validation thing, I mean I understand it, but if I try to talk to him about anything, I can't get a word in, much less try to validate. He starts yelling and I clam up, it usually ends with him screaming at me to "say something" 

SummerT321, I have tried that, clearly I suck at enforcing it. I have actually tried to leave/get him to leave 3 times. This last time his behavior changed for all of about a week before he reverted back to sleeping all day and doing absolutely nothing. Just the other day I said something about him sleeping all day and staying up all night, according to him theres nothing wrong with that. Making him understand how it affects me is useless and I dont know how to change it. For example, he stays up all night, while I am sleeping. Due to this, he "cant do housework cause it might wake me"... .  He certainly can't do it while I am not home because HE IS ASLEEP... .  therefore nothing gets done until I do it, WHILE HE SLEEPS. Then again I haven't spelling it out to him like that either because he would just tell me I was wrong and the house is a mess because I am lazy. Thats his usual argument. ok im done ranting now... .  perhaps one day I will make a breakthrough either with him or with myself.

[almost789]

Well, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. But, you don't need him if you are the one providing. He doesn't even do the chores for you? And you work 2 jobs? Do you have kids? He will continue to suck off of you for as long as you continue to allow it. If you are making the money, you can leave or tell him to. Why should you be obligated to a man who won't work and does nothing?

If a man will not work, then he shall not eat.

[gina louise]

sotiredtoonice

if you have no kids and two jobs you can certainly move out by yourself. get a new place.

at least you'd be working for you- and not enabling him.

just save money. stand firm, and go. it sounds like you'd like to.

if he yells at you. walk away. let him yell. just walk out. I did it... .  many times. it gave me strength and more strength.

to leave my abuser standing there, running his mouth. At nobody. he looked the fool and I felt better not hearing his crap.

If I can do it-so can you.

GL