Should I just give up?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I only received one response to my last post, and I have continued to think about my options and thought I would bring this idea to the group.  Since my BPDX is never going to follow court orders and will always fight me, and most importantly, always bring the boys into it and divide them, should I just give up?  I have lost primary custody of the boys and the evaluator's recommendations and the court orders are clear, but she is simply going to do whatever she wants.  If I continue to fight her, I continue to be screwed financially by ongoing lawyer's fees and the boys continue to hear how terrible I am.

Any thoughts for this post-trial time?  Thanks.

[rainboja]

I only received one response to my last post, and I have continued to think about my options and thought I would bring this idea to the group.  Since my BPDX is never going to follow court orders and will always fight me, and most importantly, always bring the boys into it and divide them, should I just give up?  I have lost primary custody of the boys and the evaluator's recommendations and the court orders are clear, but she is simply going to do whatever she wants.  If I continue to fight her, I continue to be screwed financially by ongoing lawyer's fees and the boys continue to hear how terrible I am.

Any thoughts for this post-trial time?  Thanks.

[theodore]

and the boys continue to hear how terrible I am.

They will most likely hear that anyway, regardless of what you do.  Do what you think is right, do what your boys will expect/desire you to do, do what will help you sleep at night.  Don't do it expecting your nut job to behave differently.  Your nut job's behavior isn't tied to your actions.

[scraps66]

Maybe it depends.  "Giving up" could be an extreme direction to take with a less favorable outcome than staying the course.  If you are documenting the contempt of court orders, you have a decent attorney that can listen to your well thought out objectives, and you have had some success in the courthouse - I would say consider filing a motion for contempt with as many instances of contempt as you can record.  I say this for a number of reasons.  One, if you give an inch, she's going to take miles.  If you give in now, it won't get better - because she's going to take those MILES.  If there is a history of contempt that can be documented concisely and without question - no court room grey areas - you can certainly go back to court, AND demand she pay you your legal fees for taking her to court.  I also say this as someone that did not fair very well with contmept petitions - the first was for restricting phone access and ex not getting a court-ordered psychological evaluation.  Between a crazy litigant, a crazy judge, a nd just bad luck, I got nearly nothing out of three trips back to court.  This is an exteeme case and yours may be different.   

[Forward2free]

For what it's worth, you can always make more money but you can't get time back.

I know first hand how hard it is to spend money that I don't even have on lengthy litigation repeatedly. By the time my kids are old enough to be out of the custody court system, I estimate that it will have costed me well over A$400,000.00 - I am over $150,000.00 already after only 4 years. This doesn't include the $90,000.00 lost due to BPD/Nxh bad investments that I got in our property settlement :-(

More than that certainty, I am trying everyday to be there for my kids and love them unreservedly. It's not always easy, and it's not easy to hear what has been said about me, but from me to them, I can control my actions and my words and I trust that that will be enough.

I can't imagine what it feels like to have your time taken away and I am terribly sorry to hear that you are in that situation.

Don't feel pressured to make a forever decision now which will affect the rest of your and your kids lives.

Just take small steps, and a day at a time.

[rainboja]

Thank you, responders.  It's hard to go with small steps, but I think that it's good advice.  I did speak with my attorney today and his recommendation is that I not let her bully me.  I can tell the Y that I have court orders regarding pick up on my days and that they are not to let them go to her.  He said to let her file her stupid motion and we will fight it.  So that is a different vision than I had had today and I am grateful for some clarity - even if short lived.

[tog]

rainboja,

My SO and I visit your head space often. Most recently we have discussed moving 2,000 miles away to not have to deal with her. We have spent so much money and every court date results in more being given to her and taken from us. In our case SS13 did tell the GAL he wants 50/50, so it seems likely SO will get that... .  until stbxw convinces SS13 to say otherwise. Even after telling his GAL that, he continues to tell his mother it's awful at our home, he doesn't want to talk to his father, blah, blah... .  all lies designed to get her off his back.

We aren't willing to throw any more money at this. At his age, he will need to find a way to stand up to her (like he did with the GAL). We have to go on with our lives. If SO gets 50/50 and she drags him back in 3 months later (likely)-he will go pro se and go with whatever SS13 wants. We are pretty done.

People on here advocate spending endless money etc, but that will not work for either one of us. We are tired, emotionally and financially and want to move on with life. We can't continue to go through this. We hope not to lose SS13 but he needs to make some choices, too.

I don't know what's best for you... .  don't give up blindly, though, make a plan with a therapist or someone.