Why did I stay so long.

[Cumulus]

One of the questions that I asked of myself after a 25+ year marriage with xBPDh was how could I have stayed so long. Where did all those years go? We have been separated, now divorced, almost two years. Shortly after he moved out and months before he was diagnosed with BPD, I  had written the following in my journal. For me it answers the question of why I didn't leave sooner, better then any other thoughts I have had.

We said I do and then jumped hand in hand into the river of life. When we surfaced I realized how tightly he was gripping my hand and I knew, he didn't know how to swim. No problem, I could swim well and I was strong. I could keep us going. There were days that the water was smooth, the sun shone overhead and we bobbed quietly along. There was little effort needed to tow him beside me. Other days were harder, the water was choppy and the wind blew, I had to work hard to keep his head above the water. The children came and I towed them along too. I was so often exhausted but I had to keep going, our survival depended on me. The children grew and learned to swim on their own and eventually left to find their own river. Things seemed easier with just him to tow once again. But gradually the tide began to turn and I had to swim against the current. I began to tire. He pulled us into a riptide. It took most of my strength to pull us out, but I did. I told him I am getting older and weaker, I can't keep doing this. He agreed and for awhile helped out by kicking his feet as we swam along. But he couldn't stay out of those dangerous spots along the river and at the last when he pulled us into a deep sucking whirlpool I knew if I didn't let go of him we would both drown. I had to try and save myself.

When I look at that story now I realize how hard it would have been for me to leave sooner. During the few relatively calm times why would I leave. He was trying to be a good husband. During the more common times of upheaval I was using all my strength and resources to keep my family together. I hadn't the energy to make a plan and leave. I had only the strength to protect my children within this horrible relationship.

[turtle]

Cumulus --

This was so well written!

Thank you for sharing it!

turtle

[Scott44]

What a poignant analogy.  How are you now?

[atcrossroads]

What a powerful read.  You are clearly one strong woman, and your description is beautiful yet tragic (and very fitting).  Two years is a good long while; I hope you are doing well.  Thanks for sharing.

[OTH]

Thanks for sharing. 

[tailspin]

Cumulus 

I used to ask myself this question alot, but I've come to the conclusion that I stayed until I was ready to leave.  I stayed until I had the courage to go.  I think we have to forgive ourselves for not leaving sooner.  Your children are so fortunate to have such a strong and loving mother.  I look forward to reading more posts from you 

tailspin

[Cumulus]

Thank you,  and yes I am doing OK now. I think in some ways it was easier for me then it was for others whose stories I read. Because we were together such a long time I had years to build barriers around me. It had been many years since I had been "in love" with him, rather I was "in need" with him. I had confused being needed with being loved. So when the marriage ended there was all ready a distance that had been built between us. Certainly there was grief for the loss of the marriage, the loss of dreams and the loss of the future I had been expecting. But there was little grieving for our relationship because there was so little left by the end.

[recoil]

I stayed for a lot of reasons:

- She was extremely beautiful.  That with the idealization phase was an amazing combination.  I really felt like I was on top of the world.  Because of low self worth with regards to my looks, I felt I was dating above my "looks grade" and I loved it.  It gave me pride.  Again, during the idealization phase, she was also loving, caring, considerate, passionate, cool, funny, energetic and the list goes on and on.  I am improving in this department as I'm in T.  It is what helped me break free, finally.

- I was lonely.  My wife died at a very young age (33).  She fought cancer for seven years.  We had been together fourteen years.  Her death left a very big void in my life.  My EX filled that void in abundance.  It took my mind off my loss.

- I wanted a Mother figure around for my six year old.  She always seemed in tune with my daughter.  She has two kids and they were like sisters to my daughter.  I figured this would help my daughter with her healing as well.

- After the idealization phase, I started trying to earn the affection that was waning.  I later learned this is a very familiar thing to me as I do the very same thing with guess who?  My Mother.  No!  My T says I was trying to correct a wrong done to me in my childhood.  If I could earn my way back to the idealization phase with my EX, I could prove to myself it really wasn't my fault my Mom was indifferent to me as a child.

- I think 2010 put it nicely.  I'm a dependent.  I'm strong willed.  I don't give up easily.  I will try to fix and fix and fix and fix and fix and fix.  I stayed to fix.

- Figured out I love to be needed.

- Didn't exactly know what was happening.  My EX isn't a rager (I would have left long ago if she was).  She controlled me with tears and withdrawing of affection.  I couldn't see it in real-time (frog in boiling water).

Well, I'm still trying to fix things --- but now I'm just trying to fix me.  I'm not interested in fixing her.  Even though I've known about BPD since last August, I haven't said one word to her about it.  I can't fix her.  I've come to grips with that.

I can fix me.  I left.

[WalrusGumboot]

Certainly there was grief for the loss of the marriage, the loss of dreams and the loss of the future I had been expecting. But there was little grieving for our relationship because there was so little left by the end.

Well said Cumulus. I am almost one year out from a 23+ year marriage. Like you, I was grieved out. It was more anger than anything, mainly directed at myself, for allowing her to steal the prime of my life.

But, better now than never, right?

I think the biggest negative of staying so long is the chronic fleas and negative programming that is so hard to overcome. I know I have PTSD to some degree.

How has your recovery been? Have you been seeing a therapist?

[dharmagems]

My heart is so opening, Cumulus, and I feel warm by your story.  I felt I lived your life in my 3 years marriage to my husband.  But---I am not as strong as you to carry him.   I have domestic violence in my childhood and this r/s just kept reminding me of my wounds.   I was too weak and  I had to use ALL my strength to figure out what was going on (god bless the internet) and overcome my PTSD in the meantime.  Then, make a hard decision to draw up divorce papers and get the divorce done. 

I am healing now, like you, and putting together my life in the aftermath.   I wish for ourselves and all of us to forgive ourselves and find the peace, health, and love in our lives in what ever form it takes. 

[waitaminute]

You have my respect, Cumulus.

I relate to the river.

I relate to the initial jump.

I relate to your strength to keep you both above water.

I relate to your decision to leave the cold and treacherous waters.