Child of a mother with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there!

Let me start by saying that although I have been in therapy for about 4 months my Therapist and I just came to the conclusion that my Mother Most likely Suffers from BPD.  

I will start at the Beginning:

In October My Husband and I decided to go away for a weekend, up until this point we had never had my parents watch our Children for longer than an overnight but we decided that we needed to try so we dropped the kids off and we were on our way.  The first day they had them Everything was fine, However on the Second day when we were to be coming home and getting them there was an issue with my Daughter, Mind you the issue began in the Morning when my Mom felt that DD was being Disrespectful because she would not say Good Morning to my Dad (the night before he yelled at her for running around and apparently she was pretty upset about it)  So instead of letting it go, my mother decided to make and issue of it DD is 3.5 her attention span is that of a puppy.  Growing up, when my mom decided to make an issue of something it often led to hours upon hours of yelling, discussion, emotional abuse, sometimes physical consequences and food withholding.  

I finally received a Phone call at 3PM that this had been going on all day (it started at 7am) and that DD had cried herself to sleep because she was in my moms word "beligerent" and "destructive".  now I do not claim my Children to be angels, however I know that behavior of that nature is completely out of character for her so my gaurd went up.  I told my mom that she needed to let it go at that point, and that DH and I would talk with her when she got home and deal with the issue.  to which I was told " I have to take a stand, if I let this go she will walk all over us" again she is 3.5.  I told them we would be home shortly and that they should head back, they were 2 and a half hours away.  At 7:30 we had heard nothing from them and our kids were still not home, I called and I was told they would be there when they got there and that DD was the reason they were late because she was being defiant.  I said to them Just bring my kids home now.  at 9pm they arrived at our house.  My Husband and I were very upset at this point.  All the memories of my Childhood came flooding back and I was terrified about what my Daughter was going through.

The first thing out of my moms mouth when she walked through our door was "I don't know what is wrong with her, I have never seen a kid act that way, she may have a problem".  We calmly replied we would handle it From there and said thanks for watching them and sent them on their way.  We got DD and DS to bed and went to bed as well.

The Next Day the crap hit the fan, I began getting angry text messages about how ungrateful we were that that they would even watch our kids.  My DD has a mental problem because she acts this way, I am a bad person because I did not shower them with Gratitude for watching the kids.  We were not there so we have no idea what happened etc. etc. etc.  at this point I was fighting with her for 3 days, in which time I also found out that my step dad spanked my 2 year old twice and that DD had been injured the night before and they held her down (my moms words not mine) to put ice on the injury but she was beligerent so they locked her in a room until she would allow them to help her (sounds nuts I know).  It finally culminated with me telling her to eff off and that I was done.  

After all of this I turned to my dad and Step Mom's Family and asked for Guidance, I began going to therapy and it has helped immensely in dealing with my issues that came about because of this episode.  Last night after I spoke to my counselor about the most recent contact with my mother, she began to ask me a series of questions about my mom and about my experiences growing up and we came to the conclusion that it appears she has a form of Borderline personality Disorder.  

In the process I have been going through in Therapy I have come to such an immense place of peace and it has helped in my Marriage and in how I parent my own children.  However up until last night, we could never really put a finger on why she acts this way and has all but refused to try and move forward in a new way so that we can have some sort of relationship and so that she can also have a relationship with our kids. My mom wants to have a discussion about the allegations I made and the very terrible awful things I have said about them(her and my Step Dad, who we are pretty sure has a narcissism problem), I confronted her about some of the abuse and she basically told me I was remembering wrong .  

A discussion with her is always a lecture and a means of her haranguing me and making herself feel better so that SHE can move on meanwhile I feel like garbage afterwards and have yet again put her needs in front of my own and my families and I have flat out refused to do that.  I have offered to say the past is the past but she keeps returning to "this is what I need to move on" and so I am sticking to my guns and that may or may not mean we do not have a relationship.

Knowing what I know now makes it much easier to realize that the "Normal" relationship I was hoping for will never be.  While it does make that realization easier it does not make it any less difficult to cope with... .  which led me to here.

I am hoping to meet some people with similar stories and paths so that I can better understand the new part of this journey I am embarking on.

[donniesgrrl]

Hi there!

Let me start by saying that although I have been in therapy for about 4 months my Therapist and I just came to the conclusion that my Mother Most likely Suffers from BPD.  

I will start at the Beginning:

In October My Husband and I decided to go away for a weekend, up until this point we had never had my parents watch our Children for longer than an overnight but we decided that we needed to try so we dropped the kids off and we were on our way.  The first day they had them Everything was fine, However on the Second day when we were to be coming home and getting them there was an issue with my Daughter, Mind you the issue began in the Morning when my Mom felt that DD was being Disrespectful because she would not say Good Morning to my Dad (the night before he yelled at her for running around and apparently she was pretty upset about it)  So instead of letting it go, my mother decided to make and issue of it DD is 3.5 her attention span is that of a puppy.  Growing up, when my mom decided to make an issue of something it often led to hours upon hours of yelling, discussion, emotional abuse, sometimes physical consequences and food withholding.  

I finally received a Phone call at 3PM that this had been going on all day (it started at 7am) and that DD had cried herself to sleep because she was in my moms word "beligerent" and "destructive".  now I do not claim my Children to be angels, however I know that behavior of that nature is completely out of character for her so my gaurd went up.  I told my mom that she needed to let it go at that point, and that DH and I would talk with her when she got home and deal with the issue.  to which I was told " I have to take a stand, if I let this go she will walk all over us" again she is 3.5.  I told them we would be home shortly and that they should head back, they were 2 and a half hours away.  At 7:30 we had heard nothing from them and our kids were still not home, I called and I was told they would be there when they got there and that DD was the reason they were late because she was being defiant.  I said to them Just bring my kids home now.  at 9pm they arrived at our house.  My Husband and I were very upset at this point.  All the memories of my Childhood came flooding back and I was terrified about what my Daughter was going through.

The first thing out of my moms mouth when she walked through our door was "I don't know what is wrong with her, I have never seen a kid act that way, she may have a problem".  We calmly replied we would handle it From there and said thanks for watching them and sent them on their way.  We got DD and DS to bed and went to bed as well.

The Next Day the crap hit the fan, I began getting angry text messages about how ungrateful we were that that they would even watch our kids.  My DD has a mental problem because she acts this way, I am a bad person because I did not shower them with Gratitude for watching the kids.  We were not there so we have no idea what happened etc. etc. etc.  at this point I was fighting with her for 3 days, in which time I also found out that my step dad spanked my 2 year old twice and that DD had been injured the night before and they held her down (my moms words not mine) to put ice on the injury but she was beligerent so they locked her in a room until she would allow them to help her (sounds nuts I know).  It finally culminated with me telling her to eff off and that I was done.  

After all of this I turned to my dad and Step Mom's Family and asked for Guidance, I began going to therapy and it has helped immensely in dealing with my issues that came about because of this episode.  Last night after I spoke to my counselor about the most recent contact with my mother, she began to ask me a series of questions about my mom and about my experiences growing up and we came to the conclusion that it appears she has a form of Borderline personality Disorder.  

In the process I have been going through in Therapy I have come to such an immense place of peace and it has helped in my Marriage and in how I parent my own children.  However up until last night, we could never really put a finger on why she acts this way and has all but refused to try and move forward in a new way so that we can have some sort of relationship and so that she can also have a relationship with our kids. My mom wants to have a discussion about the allegations I made and the very terrible awful things I have said about them(her and my Step Dad, who we are pretty sure has a narcissism problem), I confronted her about some of the abuse and she basically told me I was remembering wrong .  

A discussion with her is always a lecture and a means of her haranguing me and making herself feel better so that SHE can move on meanwhile I feel like garbage afterwards and have yet again put her needs in front of my own and my families and I have flat out refused to do that.  I have offered to say the past is the past but she keeps returning to "this is what I need to move on" and so I am sticking to my guns and that may or may not mean we do not have a relationship.

Knowing what I know now makes it much easier to realize that the "Normal" relationship I was hoping for will never be.  While it does make that realization easier it does not make it any less difficult to cope with... .  which led me to here.

I am hoping to meet some people with similar stories and paths so that I can better understand the new part of this journey I am embarking on.

[Suzn]

Hello donniesgrrl   

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this with your mother.    BPD can be painful for all involved. The behaviors you speak of sound all to familiar. You've come to the right place for support. There are many members here learning about communication skills necessary to better deal with these behaviors, they will all understand what you're going through.

So glad to hear you have a therapist for support, it takes a lot of courage to seek this out. Kuddos to you! 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi donniesgrrl,

Welcome!   I don't blame you for being upset at how things have been with your mother lately. As a parent, you do know your children and what's abnormal behavior for them. It sounds like the interaction your DD had with your parents was upsetting to her, and from what you wrote, their behavior towards you was hurtful. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but glad that you're working with a therapist to work through the hurt and anger.

You have a good point--it is hard to realize that you don't have a "normal" relationship with your mother. My mother also has BPD, and when I realized that we don't have the strong mother-daughter relationship that I want (and we probably won't either), I had to mourn that loss. You'll find many others here who have felt the same way.

How is your daughter doing now?

You've found the right place for understanding. Please keep posting and let us know how we can best support you.

-GG

[donniesgrrl]

DD is a resilient Little one and when she finally talked about all that happened 4 days later I think it helped her.  She will go to my mom when we are in family situations and we have done our best to include them in the kids birthdays and other family events that My H and I plan. 

Thanks for the Support and the warm welcome. 

I think what upsets me the most is that no matter I say to her it will never be possible for her to understand how much her behavior and illness have upset my life, and how it has caused so many many issues in my marriage and that I have control Issues, and anger problems because of it.

With that being said though all I can do is heal and move forward and that is what I am doing, as much as it hurts at times that I will never have the satisfaction of her understanding what exactly she has caused, being able to break the cycle and make sure that my children grow up in a loving and nurturing environment is the best medicine.  As well as the Realization that it is nearly impossible for her to see past herself and that I am not alone in this.

[InaMinorRole]

You're absolutely right that she will never understand how much her behavior has upset your life, what it has done in your marriage, and so forth. The way I look at it, this is one of the dividing lines between a conflict among rational people and a conflict with a mentally ill person. With a rational person you have a hope that you can get some compassion and the person will change. A person with BPD is essentially putting on blinders about what their behavior is doing to other people. If they were to really see it, it would break them. They can't bear it.

Her behavior stems from some sort of hole inside herself. She doesn't have the inner gyroscope other people have and it makes her careen all over trying to get right, and it doesn't matter who gets in the way. If you try to challenge her to get her to understand your side it will just start the careening again.

We are damaged and it wasn't our fault and there isn't a thing we can do about it. Once we accept that, we can look around and say, okay, how am I going to live my life? And do it without needing anything from them and without referencing them. It's our lives and our choices.

[MegMurray]

Welcome!

Your story sounds familiar.  My mom is undiagnosed BPD and my dad is completely enmeshed with her.  About 6 years ago we ended up where you are now after a massive fight.  It resulted in my DH and I not allowing my DD to be alone with them.  She could visit supervised, but not be alone anymore because of my mother's irrational and cruel behavior.  They both wanted to "discuss" what had happened.  but as you know there is no discussion -- it just turns into them lecturing you and telling you all the bad things you have done and how awful you are.   They completely invalidate how you feel and what you remember. 

There is nothing you can do to change them or get them to listen to you.  It just won't happen.  However, you can protect yourself from the chaos (or crazy-making as my T called it).  I think the best thing my DH and I did was not allowing them to be alone with my DD.  They were furious with us for a while, but it slowly calmed down and we are in an odd holding pattern now.  I explained to my DD (who was 7 at the time) that her grandmother has a disease that makes her mind not work very well sometimes and thus we really can't leave her alone with her grandparents anymore.  She had seen the fight anyway, so she knew what I was talking about.  So explain it to your kids on a level they will understand.  YOU and your husband are the most important people in their lives right now, not your parents.

So stick to your convictions and don't give in.  They will be enraged by boundaries, but you need to set them to keep yourself sane.  Keep seeing your T and remember that it wasn't your fault.

[donniesgrrl]

Welcome!

Your story sounds familiar.  My mom is undiagnosed BPD and my dad is completely enmeshed with her.  About 6 years ago we ended up where you are now after a massive fight.  It resulted in my DH and I not allowing my DD to be alone with them.  She could visit supervised, but not be alone anymore because of my mother's irrational and cruel behavior.  They both wanted to "discuss" what had happened.  but as you know there is no discussion -- it just turns into them lecturing you and telling you all the bad things you have done and how awful you are.   They completely invalidate how you feel and what you remember. 

There is nothing you can do to change them or get them to listen to you.  It just won't happen.  However, you can protect yourself from the chaos (or crazy-making as my T called it).  I think the best thing my DH and I did was not allowing them to be alone with my DD.  They were furious with us for a while, but it slowly calmed down and we are in an odd holding pattern now.  I explained to my DD (who was 7 at the time) that her grandmother has a disease that makes her mind not work very well sometimes and thus we really can't leave her alone with her grandparents anymore.  She had seen the fight anyway, so she knew what I was talking about.  So explain it to your kids on a level they will understand.  YOU and your husband are the most important people in their lives right now, not your parents.

So stick to your convictions and don't give in.  They will be enraged by boundaries, but you need to set them to keep yourself sane.  Keep seeing your T and remember that it wasn't your fault.

Wow! We sound like we have had very similar life stories.  My T even referred to her behavior as Crazy making.  We have chosen to shield the kids at this point from the situation.  D is 4 and S is 2.5 so they really are too young to understand other than to know that they don't see them as often anymore.  I think the hardest thing for me was to admit that I had been abused, Because I didn't feel abused.  In reality though I was abused and in a pretty sick and twisted way, mostly it was emotional, mental and verbal, but at times it did get physical.  My T said that emotional Abuse is just as damaging as Physical and the mental abuse I endured for 30 years of never knowing what was going to come through the door (or Phone if you will) was probably the worst part of it.  It is very hard for me to think of my mom as abusive still, mostly because she wasn't always like that.  There were good times, but again I realize that is the cycle.

It Hurts still to know that I will never have that relationship I crave from her but I am finding that Bond in others, My BFF, My MIL, My Husband, My Dad and Step mom, my Aunts.  I am realizing how much time I lost with all of these amazing people in my life because I was so focused on HER happiness and how things affected her.  It is maddening yet, I feel like I am starting over at 31 and it is such an incredibly freeing feeling. 

The Biggest obstacle right now is we are living in My grandmother's house (my Stepdad, who is enmeshed with her and pretty much a narcissistic piece of crap owns it) however, we are doing everything possible to get out of there and get as far away from them as possible without it causing too much of a disturbance in our kids lives and in our work commutes.  It is like it is the last string to the puppet show and once it is cut I can be done.  I would like to keep them in the kids lives and let them make their own choice when they are old enough, however they will never be allowed to be alone with them and they will always have strict boundaries when we are there.