I think the success has just as much to do with him as it does me. He has read up alot on his disorder. He is more informed than me, and thats saying alot. I see him trying and I love him for it.
I was overly sensitive, and I would JADE constantly to try to get myself validated. (this came from my relationship with my parents) I had to have his validation or I felt that I was not valid. I had no rights to my own opinion or actions if other people didnt agree.
-My thoughts, opinions and feelings are valid with or without him or anyone else.
-I am not crushed when he doesnt like what I do or how I am in nature.
- I listen and can respond in many ways... . agree collaboratively, disagree collaboratively, or I can just be a rogue and tell him that I know he wont like it, but its not for me.
-The fact that he does not like it doesnt make it invalid. Its also nice that I get to share them here. It gives me alot of satisfaction in doing so.
Its ok to detach
I grew up with a "sacrifice" "victim" mentality therefore I was to endure it all to the end and still be the bigger man or woman about it.
It was my job to listen to his rages. To try to understand what I have done wrong and fix it. The website and tools have taught me that not only is it ok to tell him I'll get back with you when you can behave
, but it encourages it. I can see how it has made a difference for both of us.
I can not control others, I can only control myself... . with this comes freedom
I am not responsible for what he does, only what I do. What I do is based on my boundaries and principles, they do not have to be his.
If he cheats, its not my problem to worry about... . I dont think he is mind you, but it takes away the paranoia to know its not my responsibility to guard his morals, they are his to keep, and his problem. It has freed me from jealous and alot of insecurities. I am not responsible for him.
How I handle his aggressive moods where he just wants to pick on me.
I use alot of uh huh, uh huh... . he says your not listening to me. I say I am listening to what your saying, but I dont agree. When I start saying uh huh alot, he usually does a self check and changes course. I let his harsh criticism of me roll off my back, onto the floor and out the door. It does not mean he can not criticize, but only constructive. Again, I do not need him to validate me.
Validation- its very hard for me to emotionally deal with people in general.
I have learned how to better communicate with other people. I have also learned to speak his language and understand my own better.
He likes phrases that emphasize that his thinking is normal. Its very validating for him. It makes me feel good to say the things that I know he needs and I could not give him before.
Every change has been about handling my emotions better. Because I handle mine better and communicate better, he does the same.