Just planning ahead...

[crashintome]

Hi, everyone.

I'm new.  I posted my very long and exhausting story here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195169.new#new

So, I must ask this:  what do I do if/when she comes back?  Her pattern says she will, so I just need to be prepared as best as possible for when that happens.

What do I say?  Do I just ignore her (and my feelings) and hope she goes away?  Do I take her back and hope this time she means what she says and follows through?  My heart says to do it, but my head says no.

I'm at a point where I almost expect her to leave, so it's becoming less of a shock.  It doesn't get easier, but the OMG factor is gone.  I just really want to be well-equipped to deal with her and know what to do if I hear from her again.

I'm really running out of friends to talk to about this.  Most of my friends don't even know I flew out there last month.  If they did, they would totally abandon me.  I have no one to ask for advice, other than this board.

[arabella]

First you have to decide what you really want. Do you think you could ever be happy with the way she behaves? She isn't going to change (unless she's in some sort of intensive therapy program) so you have to decide if you can be in a healthy relationship with her just the way she is.

If you can't do it and you're ready to move on, then you'll have to build up your defences and try as hard as you can to end the contact - otherwise she's not going to understand and she will, as you've said, just keep coming back. At some point you'll have to just stop replying entirely. If you think you can make it work, accepting the way things are, then start beefing up your skills and prepare for the ride! Do NOT take her back expecting change - you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak. She is who she is. Either way, this forum has a lot of information, workshops, etc. that are really helpful. Check them out even before you decide - maybe it will help?

As for my personal approach... .  I'm currently working with a philosophy that I'll try to stick it out as long as I need to for my OWN sake. If it gets to a point where I know I can't cope, or the love is replaced by pity or anger or just plain weariness - I'll leave. I can't force myself to make a decision that doesn't feel right. So I'm being easy on myself and telling myself that I have time, that I can choose later, that I need to do what is right for ME right now. It's entirely possible that I should leave, but my heart just isn't there yet, so here I remain. I have no idea if this is healthy, and I'm not suggesting that it's what you should do, but I'm offering it as an idea just in case it helps.

[crashintome]

I don't necessarily want her to *change* but I do need her to be more consistent and stop leaving me for other people.  I fell in love with her just the way she is - I don't need her to be someone else entirely.  But I do need for her to stop making me her plan b, backup, "good enough" girl.

I can work with her on almost anything.  I can put up with a lot. But I need that part of things to be stable for me.  I can't handle getting left behind when someone else comes around.

[arabella]

I hear you, crashintome! I didn't mean to suggest that she needed a personality overhaul, so I apologize if that's how it sounded - I'm still working on my communication skills! 

Lack of consistency and the leaving are part of the way she IS though. That was what I was trying to get at earlier. Those things aren't going to change without therapy. It's part of the BPD and it won't just resolve itself, unfortunately. As you read more about BPD you'll see the pattern, it's held true in my personal experience as well. So, can you accept the instability knowing that she'll come back? You aren't being left because of who you are, you're being left because she has BPD and that's just how it works.

[crashintome]

No, it didn't sound that way at all!

I know that her indecisiveness is part of who she is.  I just can't handle getting left all of the time.  It's so hard on me.  And, when she leaves me for someone else, I can't help but to feel as though she is almost cheating on me.

If I sit here and assume that she really, honestly loves me, then I cannot justify her leaving.  If she doesn't love me, then she is using me and I need to just stay away.  Problem is, I cannot get her to tell me the truth and stick with it.  And, even if she says something is the truth, I just don't believe her.  She's lied to me too much.

This is so hard.  I'm just not dealing with it well.  I'm having such a hard time moving on this time and I don't know why. 

[arabella]

Even if she DOES truly love you, can you handle a long-term relationship with someone who repeatedly leaves/comes back? For example, I think that my dBPDh truly does love me, but I also know that he will never stop having affairs or lying to me. For now I am choosing to accept that, even though it hurts. Why? Because these things are not 'deal-breakers' to me - but I also understand that they absolutely would be for most people.

She will keep leaving. It's not indecisiveness, it's not even really a choice, it's a coping mechanism for deeply internalized emotional dysregulation. The same with the lying. It has nothing to do with how much she loves you. It has to do with how she feels about herself and how she handles (or rather, doesn't handle) her emotions. Can you adapt to that? Can you be happy accepting it?

I'll take a stab in the dark and guess that you're having a hard time moving on because you really love her and you truly want it work. Ending things means giving up your dreams with this person - it's not just about her, it's also about letting go of part of yourself. I think you mentioned earlier that she was your first female partner as well? That's a big deal. She helped you to find yourself, she really gave you a lot! I think that would be really hard to let go of.

[Randi Kreger]

Hi, everyone.I'm new.  I posted my very long and exhausting story here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195169.new#newSo, I must ask this:  what do I do if/when she comes back?  Her pattern says she will, so I just need to be prepared as best as possible for when that happens.What do I say?  Do I just ignore her (and my feelings) and hope she goes away?  Do I take her back and hope this time she means what she says and follows through?  My heart says to do it, but my head says no.I'm at a point where I almost expect her to leave, so it's becoming less of a shock.  It doesn't get easier, but the OMG factor is gone.  I just really want to be well-equipped to deal with her and know what to do if I hear from her again.I'm really running out of friends to talk to about this.  Most of my friends don't even know I flew out there last month.  If they did, they would totally abandon me.  I have no one to ask for advice, other than this board.

I haven't read your story. But I can tell from what you're writing that you're trying to figure out what to DO when you don't know your own mind. Start with your mind and what you want and don't want and think everything through. Set a goal now. Then what you actually DO will come from that.

[crashintome]

I'll take a stab in the dark and guess that you're having a hard time moving on because you really love her and you truly want it work. Ending things means giving up your dreams with this person - it's not just about her, it's also about letting go of part of yourself. I think you mentioned earlier that she was your first female partner as well? That's a big deal. She helped you to find yourself, she really gave you a lot! I think that would be really hard to let go of.

That is so totally it. 

In my mind, I have this perfect scenario.  Before we "got together," we were best friends.  The chemistry was insane.  We had so much fun and we would laugh and just have a great time.  In my mind, mix that with love and we had the perfect combination.

The entire time we were just friends, she would always tell me what an awful girlfriend she was:  she was abusive, she cheated, she was mean.  I just chalked it up to her being in an unhappy relationship.  I figured things would be different with me since we got along so well.

I had NO IDEA I would fall for her as hard as I did.  I was never in love before.  I didn't know how badly it could hurt.  I had no clue about any of this bad stuff. 

I want her to love me how I love her.  And I want her to see that what she does to me isn't right.  I think, at this point, it's asking too much.  I want her to help herself for her.  I want her to be happy and healthy.  I want good things for her.  If I knew 100% she didn't love me, I would walk away.  It's just that she is so back and forth, I don't know what to believe.

At this point, I say I will stay strong and not respond if she contacts me.  But, as time goes on, the bad memories fade and the good ones are overwhelming.  That's when I always cave.

[arabella]

Aw, crashintome, you sound like you're grieving for the dream. What you want (and deserve!) is not your current reality. You say if you knew 100% that she didn't love you, you could walk away. Truly? Because even if she 100% DOES love you, there are still all of those other issues that are slowing killing you inside and they aren't going away. Can you accept her version of love? I think it would be extremely hard and probably very emotionally damaging for you.

Have you read any of the materials here on mindfulness and the Wise Mind? Perhaps some of the techniques and ideas there would help you a little : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[crashintome]

I guess I just want the truth which, the more stories I read here, I realize I will never get.

I want to know if she has/had feelings for me.  I want to know if she used me.  I want to know if she led me on.  I want to know if she ever meant any of the promises she made to me. 

I feel like the answers to those questions would tell me what my next step has to be.

My head says to believe it was all a big lie and a game and that we will never work so that I can walk away and stay strong if she ever contacts me again.  My heart says to believe all the sweet stuff and that I can be strong and stand by her. 

It's just so hard when months go by and I get a text that says she misses me and wants to be with me.  I fall for it every time.

[arabella]

 

I don't think most of our pwBPD are purposely lying to us or consciously trying to 'use' us or lead us on. She may very well have meant every single thing she ever said - at the time she said it. But that's the problem. For someone with BPD those emotions are like the tide, sometimes they're in, sometimes they're out. It doesn't make it less real, but it sure makes it hard for us!

So here's the thing (just consider, but give yourself time!) - maybe she truly meant all those things and she really loves you... .  and maybe it still will never work. She will always be this way, like the tide, so can you survive that kind of love? Or will you always be this unhappy and waiting for change that may never come? Because it isn't about you being strong enough, it's about whether this is the type of relationship that you want in the long term.

[crashintome]

I think I could handle it *if* she didn't run to another girl every time she felt like she was done with me.  Even though we aren't together, it feels like she is cheating on me.

The more I think about it and the more I play the possible scenarios out in my mind, the more I think I need to just walk away before I get in any deeper.  It hurts and it sucks, but time can heal this pain.  I can't keep going back and reopening the wound or it will never heal.

I just hope I can be strong enough to ignore her if she ever contacts me again.  Right now, she is with this other girl and happy but it won't last long.  I can only hope she doesn't come to me when it doesn't or that I'm in a place in my life where ignoring her is a possibility.

I feel like I'm giving up on her.  I'm not.  I'm just putting myself first.

I'm not a strong person.  When she leaves me, I plummet into this pit of depression and sadness.  The last time she did it, I ended up cutting my leg so bad that I still have scars.  I just don't think I'm strong enough of a person to be in her life.  I'm not what she needs.

[arabella]

In my experience, they will always run straight into another person's arms each time. It's a coping strategy. (Albeit a really poor one, but that's why it's called a 'disorder'!)

You sound like you know what you need to do. And I agree - you aren't giving up on her, you are freeing each of you to find someone who is more emotionally compatible. This isn't a failure, this is what love looks like. You have to be fair and loving to both of you.

Do you have a therapist or counsellor you can talk to? You sound like you need some extra care. These situations can leave more than just physical scars and it's important that you're all healed up so that you can move on to the amazing relationship that you truly deserve! As well, you should check out the 'Leaving' board here - good information as well as strategies to keep yourself strong and healing. 

[crashintome]

Today has been really, really hard.  I'm missing her.  I'm fighting the urge to reach out to her.

I know she is in the "bliss" stage with this girl.  That's how it is with L.  The first few days/weeks are like heaven.  She's sweet and says wonderful things and all that.  Then *BAM* it gets unbearable.

I know contacting her will do no good at all.  She will either ignore me or say something hateful to me.  But I still want to.

Why can't I just get her out of my mind?

[Mike_confused]

I suspect my uBPD wife will also try to get me back, based on past actions.  We have been separated 5 weeks.  She has shut right down so I guess she has also found a replacement guy.   It would not surprise me.  Not sure whether I will take her back if she tries.

[ohmygosh]

Hi am in a similar boat.  My attitude is if she does all the right things, ie join a BPD support group, works on therapy and seriously knuckles down on propper recovery I would try again.  That is the only way.  I have sent her the tools via email ie www.bpdresources.net/reliable_support_groups/resources_bpd.htm

The only chance for a change as I can see it if we both continue therapy and do it as a team.  Your obviously prepared to get the right support, that's why you are here but the question is she?  I found it also good to read about what's involved with recovery, any expectation of recovery in less than 10 years is probably faulse.  Although if she does all the right things she may improve her behaviours in a shorter period.  If she can't help herself I can expect her to stay with me for no more than a day or two before she is seeking a differant man as an escape route for when we inevitability fail again.

Regards

Regards

[crashintome]

She is currently in therapy, but I think she is lying to her therapist.  Also, I don't think the whole therapy thing will last very long.  Her ex-GF made her go to therapy - she went a few times and then lied for months about going.  She would say she was going and just go hang out somewhere for a few hours.

I don't think I could ever tell her I think she has BPD.  She would absolutely flip out.  I think, somewhere in her mind, she knows she is ill.  During an argument once (and this was wrong of me), I called her a sociopath for the way she treated me.  She blew up.  I mean, maybe if I said it calmly, but who knows.

It is hurting me very badly tonight.  I'm thinking of when she dropped me off at the airport 2 weeks ago.  I was angry at the way she acted that night (she kissed me and then yelled at me for kissing her back, saying she was still hurt from her breakup).  I didn't even hug her goodbye.  I told her it was probably the last time I'd see her.  We made up after that, but I still can't stop thinking about it.  What if that is the last time I see her?  Can I live without her?  I love her so much it is painful, but I can't keep getting left.

[ohmygosh]

Sounds tough.  She would definately hate it if you told her she has BPD.  While she is in denial I see now hope.  In my case I gave her so much tough love, bordering on me harassing her that she will never probably attempt to come back to me.  Maybe you could anonymously send her the details some how.  In my case she told me she has BPD so it's been easier to address.  It's also something I have done as a friend to make amends for my own wrong doing in it all.  If it helps her with someone else and she never comes back well that's a good thing to.

[ohmygosh]

Sory meant to say no hope not now hope if she's in denial. 

[arabella]

I've been there, crashintome, and it's really really awful. Letting go is not my strong suit, never has been, so I don't know that I have anything useful to offer you. The last time I had to let go of love I spent a lot of time trying to reprogram my thoughts, just to ease the pain. For example, instead of it being the 'last time you ever saw her', consciously reformulate that into 'the first day I began to find myself again'. You CAN live without her - you're doing it right now! The thing is, you'll always love her, it just doesn't hurt so much as time goes by. But every time you are in contact, you reset the clock on that hurt all over again. It's horrible and it's torture that never pays off for anyone. I know a lot of people advise not dating again until you feel better, but I personally never found that to work for me (this is a personal choice you'll have to make for yourself). I found dating helped to stop the bleeding. I always kept it casual (no need to drag anyone into my mess) at the beginning but eventually I did actually stumble across my next great love and, well, nothing heals a broken heart like finding someone even better!