did anyone else do things they shouldnt have?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My expwBPD was ok most the time, she would however have what I would call flashpoints, however I would generally always feel I was walking on egg shells. However I also had moments I regret.

I punched walls,  shouted at her, told her she runied my life, stormed out, slammed doors, looked at porn behind her back. Got high without her knowing, said such terrible hurtful stuff that she would slap me etc

These are all things I shouldn't do, and regret doing. I would class them as out of character for me.

Although perhaps she 'drove' me to it, I do take responsibility for those bad actions.

Did anyone else act out or is it just me?

[trevjim]

My expwBPD was ok most the time, she would however have what I would call flashpoints, however I would generally always feel I was walking on egg shells. However I also had moments I regret.

I punched walls,  shouted at her, told her she runied my life, stormed out, slammed doors, looked at porn behind her back. Got high without her knowing, said such terrible hurtful stuff that she would slap me etc

These are all things I shouldn't do, and regret doing. I would class them as out of character for me.

Although perhaps she 'drove' me to it, I do take responsibility for those bad actions.

Did anyone else act out or is it just me?

[broken but not beaten]

When we get hurt,angry or frustrated sometimes it can manifest itself in ways that we later regret,we all have our buttons pressed in these relationships and at times have visited dark places. Your getting high I guess was a way to escape and as you say this relationship bought out a part of you that you didn't like. I'm not judging you or criticising you friend,I've also said and done things I'm not proud of but these are not healthy people or relationships and accepting that,moving on and learning from it is the most important thing

[struggli]

Sure, yeah, I did some things I'm not proud of, especially in the last couple months or so.

My level of tolerance had reached its breaking point.  Not an excuse.

I punched a wall one time.  A wooden wall.  I still have a fragment bone floating around in the back of my hand.

I threw keys so hard that the keys bent.

I very loudly called her a whore, c--t, s-ut, etc after I saw her holding hands with a guy in front of a bar.  She actually responded positively to that.  One of the few times she apologized and tried to make amends for her behavior.  Weird, huh?  Then I started to think that all along how I'd been treating her -- respectfully, as an equal, as someone I loved, the same way I wanted to be treated -- and if it was wrong to treat her the way I would want to be treated.  Her reaction almost reinforced what I did. Then, I started wondering if I was to change myself to be abusive to her that she would feel comfortable and act right.  Weird how these relationships can twist your thinking, huh?

Now, someone who's been on here a while will ask the questions like "why do you need to ruminate about this? you are just wallowing in the toxicity."

But sometimes it helps to know that you aren't an evil person and that someone else went through what you did.

Yeah, we f--ked up and made mistakes.  And I'm not saying it's OK.  But sometimes when someone feels backed into a corner they will do stuff they normally wouldn't do.  Because we wanted to stay in these relationships, yet they weren't working, we felt "backed into a corner."  We could've just bailed, just ended it, and ended the drama, but we have to figure out why we stayed and allowed ourselves to be driven to extreme behavior.   Because we thought we couldn't find a better person who loved us so much? 

Surely I can find a woman just as beautiful, just as sexual who I can genuinely be intimate with, who is happy with just me.

And you can too.

[trevjim]

Sure, yeah, I did some things I'm not proud of, especially in the last couple months or so.

My level of tolerance had reached its breaking point.  Not an excuse.

I punched a wall one time.  A wooden wall.  I still have a fragment bone floating around in the back of my hand.

I threw keys so hard that the keys bent.

I very loudly called her a whore, c--t, s-ut, etc after I saw her holding hands with a guy in front of a bar.  She actually responded positively to that.  One of the few times she apologized and tried to make amends for her behavior.  Weird, huh?  Then I started to think that all along how I'd been treating her -- respectfully, as an equal, as someone I loved, the same way I wanted to be treated -- and if it was wrong to treat her the way I would want to be treated.  Her reaction almost reinforced what I did. Then, I started wondering if I was to change myself to be abusive to her that she would feel comfortable and act right.  Weird how these relationships can twist your thinking, huh?

Now, someone who's been on here a while will ask the questions like "why do you need to ruminate about this? you are just wallowing in the toxicity."

But sometimes it helps to know that you aren't an evil person and that someone else went through what you did.

Yeah, we f--ked up and made mistakes.  And I'm not saying it's OK.  But sometimes when someone feels backed into a corner they will do stuff they normally wouldn't do.  Because we wanted to stay in these relationships, yet they weren't working, we felt "backed into a corner."  We could've just bailed, just ended it, and ended the drama, but we have to figure out why we stayed and allowed ourselves to be driven to extreme behavior.   Because we thought we couldn't find a better person who loved us so much? 

Surely I can find a woman just as beautiful, just as sexual who I can genuinely be intimate with, who is happy with just me.

And you can too.

Thank you, I am ashamed at how i got when i pressed my buttons, and my only goal is to learn from them. Im glad to know im not the only one

[Winglessfallen]

Yea, we all do.  They are pushing our boundaries way past the breaking point.  I've screamed at her, told her she's driving me crazy and making me suicidal, I've told her to get out, I've smashed my head into the floors and punched myself in frustration, hit walls, gone silent.  a lot of my unhealthy reactions are introverted, but I've done a lot I'm not proud of to her, as well.

I've gotten to the point that sometimes I think I'M Borderline.  And those are only the things I've done, not mentioning the things I've thought of.

I think its common for this type of relationship because the Non's seem to be selfless givers, sort of.  We are ok with forgoing our boundaries to please them, as long as they are pleased, but we keep relinquishing space for them to expand into and notice that our space to be free is shrinking, and we start slashing at the enclosing walls.

Our responses are our own choice, as is often pointed out on this site, but at the same time, it is very difficult to react in the way you want or would be proud of when a wonderful day/night has been ruined because you picked the wrong salad to go with the meal.

[struggli]

The thing I really shouldn't have done was ever get into the relationship.  But I was hooked in less than an evening together.

[gina louise]

called him autistic.

screamed back when he was raging (bad idea-he's always louder)

called him a scary bully

purposely did NOT clean after his grown kids, knowing it drove HIM batty.

badgered him at bedtime-the only private time we really had

nagged when he walked in the door tired after work

quit cooking

quit doing every giving and personal thing I had done in the past-back rubs, hand holding... .  

wanted explanations of WHY he was treating me like scum   

stood my ground and stood up to him

said he was crazy

fought back

consistently said or did the ONE thing that sent HIM over the edge... .  "?"

kept forgiving abusive behaviors over and over

made excuses in MY head to explain WHY he did that stuff-I rationalized the abuse!

GL

[SarahinMA]

I definitely did.  I feel like i'm more anxious than most, so I recall several instances of saying hurtful things just to get a reaction from him.  He was so avoidant, showing absolutely no emotion, that it was almost like I was testing him.  I also took him for granted... .  something I still feel shameful about now. 

Even if my ex doesn't have a BPD, we definitely brought out the worst in each other's insecurities.  His blaming me for everything wrong in the relationship, stayed with me for a long time. 

What I'm working on now is forgiving myself.  I did the best that I could at the time and I just have to take my mistakes and work on them for the next relationship. 

[Seb]

I did plenty I shouldn't have.

I told my ex that I thought she was austistic.

In one argument I told her she was a t*at after she called me 'mental'.

I tolerated triangulation (read definition), lies and emotional affairs from day one - never feeling like I could say anything, for fear of being a nagging girlfriend.

And worst of all I accepted ALL the blame when she dumped me... I even wrote a ridiculously long letter apologising for 'driving her crazy'. That's what I regret the most... .  my default for such a long time has been to say 'sorry'. I'm working on changing this.

I forgive myself though. I did the best I could with the knowledge and experience I had at the time. I forgive myself for getting involved with someone so damaged and thinking I could fix her. I forgive myself for letting all of my insecurities come out to play, and know that I'll never let anyone treat me with such disrespect again.

[LuckyEscapee]

The worst things I ever did was to shout back one time that he was in self destruct mode, and later one time that he needed help (this was before I knew about BPD). No matter all the raging abuse I never once bit back, I never even swore at him. I purposely didn't let myself sink to his putrid lows, or give him the "you did/said the same" excuse out of his behaviour. All I ever said/begged for was "please stop/please leave me alone".

Fat good it did me, it makes no difference whether you snap or not. History still gets rewritten and innocence still gets twisted. No responsibility is ever taken, no awareness is ever achieved.

Whatever we did, we did to get through. No rights, no wrongs.

[charred]

The worst things I ever did was to shout back one time that he was in self destruct mode, and later one time that he needed help (this was before I knew about BPD). No matter all the raging abuse I never once bit back, I never even swore at him. I purposely didn't let myself sink to his putrid lows, or give him the "you did/said the same" excuse out of his behaviour. All I ever said/begged for was "please stop/please leave me alone".

Fat good it did me, it makes no difference whether you snap or not. History still gets rewritten and innocence still gets twisted. No responsibility is ever taken, no awareness is ever achieved.

Whatever we did, we did to get through. No rights, no wrongs.

So much I wouldn't know where to start... and what led to it... the thought that I will treat her like she treats me... and she will see the error of her ways... .  never in a 100 yrs would that work with BPD.

So... most recent discussion we were chatting and she mentioned politics, she is republican and i am independent... but side with democrats in discussions with her... so she says she is republican and I am a bleeding heart democrat (so she insults me and leaves her label normal)... oh I said, you are a braindead republican and I am a flaming liberal democrat? And so it went... she would make a remark and always add a zinger to it... by the end she was furious... because she wants to have the last mocking, insulting word every time... and I am supposed to take it... so I didn't and told her what I was doing and why... and she said I was impossible... and said there was no point talking... .  so I agreed and told her I was fine with NC... and have stuck by it... now she is getting irritated that I am no speaking to her.

[daze]

Yes, I've done and said things I shouldn't have.  Mainly before I knew what was going on with him.  A couple of times I tried to turn the tables on him and treat him the way he treated me.  Didn't work.  Mostly I got angry and left ugly phone messages and texts - because he gave/gives me the silent treatment and would refuse to discuss issue with me when they'd come up. 

What I've learned is that when I responded in anger what I really felt was hurt, sadness, and fear.  I've explained that to him and I've been doing better in my responses.  Not perfect, but better.

Daze

[Mountaineagle]

You are not alone Trevjim   We have been on the edge and past it. I was going so crazy after a while that I did not recognize my self. As I see it now, slowly returning to myself again, some of her insanity rubbed off onto me. But MY unhealthy coping mechanisms came shining through though and for that I am grateful. Nothing else than a relationship from hell would have brought them clearer out in the open to me. Escapism and denial of myself is my theme. So I have cheated on her once, looked at porn behind her back, started with tobacco, been passive aggressive, fled a couple of times and when backed into a corner panicked and behaved like a crazy moron. When I cheated on her I was sick of the relationship and she had accused me so many times of being unfaithful that I was kind of brainwashed into thinking I was such a person, so I turned into one. There where so many confusing things going on at that time, and so many conflicting feelings, primarily loow self esteem. I tried a coward escape by sleeping with another woman, and was so ashamed of myself afterwards. My "plan" was to tell her and get sacked, it went seriously wrong. Her grandmother died right at that time and suddenly I felt I had to stay. I also had an urge to tell her what I had done. So I did... She got very upset and I did my very best to fix the relationship. From there it went downhill. My immaturity got out in the open for me and I felt like the worst person on the planet, and boy did she use it. What struck me as odd at that time was that she did not mourn her grand mother whom she had been real close to. Anyway this relationship exposed me and my short comings so that I finally can face them. This relationship has transformed me to my core and it is hurting like nothing else I have encountered before. Big   for learning hard lessons!         

[daze]

Mountaineagle,

You wrote ---

"I was going so crazy after a while that I did not recognize my self. As I see it now, slowly returning to myself again, some of her insanity rubbed off onto me. But MY unhealthy coping mechanisms came shining through though and for that I am grateful. Nothing else than a relationship from hell would have brought them clearer out in the open to me."

Thank you!  I totally identify.  The fact that I did not recognize myself is what took me to the therapist.

Daze

[rogerroger]

Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you:

Your pwBPD has just repeated something for the zillionth time. You have responded again and again in the same way, but your response isn't accepted. So you try rephrasing. You try being louder. you try being quieter. You try saying it with humor. Either there is no effect on your pwBPD or it sets them into a rage. Your frustration builds. You try shouting. You try slamming doors. You punch a wall. Little by little you twist and distort your personality in unfamiliar or uncomfortable ways, becoming someone dysfunctional.

Here's the thing. This isn't really different from the process by which PDs develop. Behavioral dispositions are an outgrowth of our efforts to develop strategies for coping with the circumstances in which we find ourselves. When you put someone in weird circumstances, it shouldn't be surprising if they end up adopting weird behaviors.

Healing ourselves often involves recognizing the ways in which we have adopted dysfunctional behavioral patterns. Some of these very likely may have triggered escalations of our pwBPD's behaviors, which in turn trigger escalations in ours, and pretty soon all hell has broken loose. In many cases, our behaviors might be dysfunctional in other ways. They might soothe the emotions of our pwBPD, but at the same time they make us increasingly vulnerable to manipulation and codependency.

The human psyche can really suck, sometimes.

[struggli]

Good post rogerroger

Sometimes it seems complicated how all the people with whom we interact rub off on us.  If we're not rock solid with ourselves we become all muddied up by these dysfunctional interactions, whether at work, in a relationship, community, etc.

[Scott44]

I did some things I shouldn't have, like marrying her.  One time she told me that I was the "fattest" among the three brothers in my FOO.  I responded to this by working out extra hard.  So a couple of days later I immaturely told her that a friend of ours had breasts that were small and athletic.  Hers were not.  She responded by cutting her breasts.  I really feel badly about that because even though she cut herself on so many occasions that was the only time that the trigger was something I did. 

[Truth in Ruin]

Im glad you posted this TrevJim. This is how i found out about my gal. I had a good friend that killed himself, and she was upset for me mourning his death. She gave me almost no time to mourn. She got on my case about being sad about it. I got soo mad that i pounded on the dinner table, and broke it in half!. This is not like me. She didnt give a s**t when my grandfather died either. These deaths brought alot to my attention. I thought she was NPD. Turns out it was BPD. Yes, I would agree, lack of respect, and every thing else, can bring out the worst.

[GreenMango]

This is great thread ... .  Its a good segway to you senior members that are ready to take the next steps in personal inventory.

Exploring some of the personal things can reap a gold mine in how you heal from this relationship and lessons for the next one

If you have 50+ posts please consider posting a topic on the inventory board some time.  It takes courage to look at your behavior like this.

[clairedair]

1. I shouldn't have betrayed ex

Long before I knew about BPD, I reacted unhealthily to months of blaming, withdrawal of emotion and an anger from ex about our relationship not being fulfilling for him. I became close to someone at work instead of really confronting the confusion and hurt I was feeling.  I told ex and all hell broke loose.

2. I shouldn't have allowed the abuse that followed my admitting this

Cue raging and name-calling and not knowing if he was going or staying.  Anger took years to subside but still surfaces now and again when he is reminded of what happened.  I accepted a lot of this because of my own shame.  I never thought I would betray him like this and one good thing that came out of it was that I started seeing a therapist because I was so shocked at what I'd done.

3. I shouldn't have reconciled time and time again

Despite the therapy, this was one unhealthy behaviour I repeated.  This was damaging to me and our children (and to exH).

List goes on - at the worst period (before I knew about BPD and could de-personalise a lot of what was happening) I smashed glasses; kicked a hole in a door; screamed back at him; even self-harmed for a short while; experienced suicidal ideation.    Nobody else has ever pushed my buttons the way he has.  I'm working on this but he can still push those buttons (i.e. something in me still allows this).

I was going to write 'totally out of character for me' but sometimes I think that actually, some of this stuff is part of my character that I need to look at - his words/actions just managed to bring it to the surface.  My FOO isn't good at dealing with negative feelings like anger and depression.

[trevjim]

Its seems a lot of us have lashed out violently at doors and tables etc, I wonder if that's what the pwBPD wants, some kind of reaction like that.

I've also read that pwBPD sabotage relationships, maybe this is an indirect way they do it, push our buttons so we do something bad, and then we are in the wrong (as we should be to an extent) and then they don't have to feel any guilt.