Divorce master next Friday; need help and moral support

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The divorce is final.  Any possible scrap of a feeling of 'obligation' for intimacy is gone.

[ForeverDad]

The divorce is final.  Any possible scrap of a feeling of 'obligation' for intimacy is gone.

[nowheretogo]

No, there's no intimacy.  Sometimes we sleep in the same bed, but D2 and I always go to sleep in it together first, and she is always in it with me.  He sometimes chooses to come into the bed and sleep later. (D2 between us) Please God, don't let him try to do anything with me again before he moves, but why wouldn't he?  Crazy is as crazy does.

[catnap]

DIVORCE IS FINAL!  Happy Dance and  wave     

You are doing great. . .it is just grocery shopping. 

Once H is gone, I think S7 will settle into the new routine. . .it might be fun to see if he can teach Mom to game a bit, or you all can find something different to do together. 

Sorry, but the idea that he thinks you would even consider buying him a sober house!

I am so glad your parents are coming to lend their support and maybe help get that darn bed in the basement upstairs! 

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Congratulations on getting the divorce final!

Woo! Woo!

I like lnl's idea of just treating him as a guest.

AnotherPheonix   

[nowheretogo]

It is definitely over!  I just got a copy of the divorce decree today!  Trying to figure where to have the official copy sent to keep it safe.  H has still been much better since the police were called last Thur. 

Yest. he was talking of buying a pizzeria.  It is already up and running he would just be taking it over.  Owner is trying to sell for about $40K.  First words out of H's mouth were "but I would have to work a lot of hours.  Not that I mind the work, but I'm worried about D2".  This is his supposed concern over her being in daycare for too long. 

I am hoping he brings it up again today, and I will say, GO FOR IT.  Don't worry about D2... .  I have already made arrangements with my job for me to be able to pick her up, and I am working on other arrangements as well.  I know he will drag out living with us as long as possible, because he will see it as another free month of rent, so why wouldn't he?

[catnap]

Could you have the official copy mailed to your L, parents or your work? 

IMO--the pizzeria, I would just listen and not encourage either way.  If he did buy it for instance, and it went south on him (which is likely because the new would wear off), you would be blamed for talking him into it.  I do not know if giving him a head's up on all the arrangements you are making for D2 is a good idea.  Kinda goes against not letting him know your strategy.

You have a move out date agreement. . .is it legally enforceable?

[nowheretogo]

My parents, yes, but they won't be here until around April 15th.  I am thinking of having it mailed to my coworker that I trust.

The move out date is part of the marital settlement agreement which is now filed with the court, so it is legally enforceable, as far as I know.  God only knows what you have to do to enforce it if he doesn't go, though.  There is also a clause that if he stays past that date that he is responsible for half of the mortgage and utility payments.

Umm, D2's care... .  L just sent me an email that H's L wants us to make a specific proposal to resolve custody now that the custody action has been filed.  Should I really make the first proposal?  Should I let him make the first proposal?  Does it matter?  I am thinking to offer every other Fri-Sun and maybe every Wed. evening non-overnight for staters.  And currently, H picks her up everyday from daycare.  I don't want this to continue.  It's just a huge excuse for him not to be able to work past 4 pm or so and majorly limitis his job opportunities.  I have permission from my job to be able to pick her up until something else is in place.  I have talked to an old daycare teacher of hers that may be able to pick her up from daycare each day for 2-3 hrs until I come home (bascially replacing what H has been doing). This is going to be a major sticking point with H, I think.  Please offer suggestions on how to handle this.

[ForeverDad]

What other penalty or consequence is there if he doesn't leave when scheduled?  Could he stay for another year, two years?  He doesn't get the remainder of his settlement payment until he leaves, right?

Some daycares stay open longer.  In my area most are open until 6 pm and the one I've used in recent years is open until 6:30 pm.

[nowheretogo]

Yes, the settlement $$ is due upon him moving.  He could not stay for another year or two, according to L, we would have to have the order enforced (although exactly how is unclear to me right now).

My daycare is open until 6.  I usually drop off D2 around 7 am, and the limit is 10 hrs.  H is "against" her being there for that long.  Currently I pick up S7 there, usually closer to 6.  I commute 45 min to work, and the daycare is very close to the house.  S7 can be there until 6 because he is only there before and after school. 

I can at least temporarily arrange with my job to be able to get there by the 10 hrs limit.  Alternatively, I am trying to find someone to pick up D2 around maybe 3 or 4 pm and take her home until around 6 when I get home (H currently does this, probably picks her up around 4 pm most days).  One of her prior teachers from the daycare that she knows and likes may be available.  It's not that I don't want H to watch her, necessarily, but I want him to get working!  How do I approach this?

[nowheretogo]

OK, sorry, I am just being selfish here... .  just a reminder for someone to comment on my upcoming custody situation if they have time (see prior posts)

[livednlearned]

Yes, the settlement $$ is due upon him moving.  He could not stay for another year or two, according to L, we would have to have the order enforced (although exactly how is unclear to me right now).

My daycare is open until 6.  I usually drop off D2 around 7 am, and the limit is 10 hrs.  H is "against" her being there for that long.  Currently I pick up S7 there, usually closer to 6.  I commute 45 min to work, and the daycare is very close to the house.  S7 can be there until 6 because he is only there before and after school. 

I can at least temporarily arrange with my job to be able to get there by the 10 hrs limit.  Alternatively, I am trying to find someone to pick up D2 around maybe 3 or 4 pm and take her home until around 6 when I get home (H currently does this, probably picks her up around 4 pm most days).  One of her prior teachers from the daycare that she knows and likes may be available.  It's not that I don't want H to watch her, necessarily, but I want him to get working!  How do I approach this?

This kind of thinking is tough -- what is best for D2, and what is best legally. Sometimes they overlap, but when they do it's important to check your thinking. Get other people to help you, especially us! Because it sounds so easy and seductive to let your H help where he can.

It would be great if H could pick D2 up at 4pm, but not indefinitely. So in your proposal (put yours out there first), don't think about short-term -- think long-term. Think assertively and strategically because it will stick like gum to your shoe. You may need to start a new thread because moderators cut off posts at the 4-page limit. Maybe start a topic asking for input on what to propose?

First, tho -- can you find out from your L what the state guidelines are for custody of a toddler? You may be offering more than the standard for her age.

[ForeverDad]

This kind of thinking is tough -- what is best for D2, and what is best legally.

... .  don't think about short-term -- think long-term. Think assertively and strategically because it will stick like gum to your shoe.

First, tho -- can you find out from your L what the state guidelines are for custody of a toddler? You may be offering more than the standard for her age.

I may have mentioned this before, but younger children are generally given more frequent visits.  (In my county the cutoff is 3 years old, so with your daughter nearly 3 this may not even be an issue by the time it gets addressed in court.)  While you may allow for that now, look ahead and see whether the schedule reduces time and either include that or make a specific reference to the guideline.  What would be good to avoid is having to go back to court to force a change to the

Also, other leverage you have is that he has other children, right?  How often does he see them?  Maybe you could use that as leverage in 'negotiations' stating that he doesn't see his other children that much.  That agrument may not carry much legal weight but it might get him to be less unrealistic or possessive.

Frankly, we all know what's motivating him, he wants to find excuses not to work or at least not very much.  Sadly, you can't 'make' him work.  So you just need to make it less likely for him to be able to claim a need/availability to parent and/or get paid support for doing so.

Also, your offer should not be taken as a start of negotiations.  Even if you withold something in case a concession is made later, it needs to be perceived as the maximum you will offer, not a starting point.

[catnap]

Did your L ever request a copy of the eval by the consultant your H hired?  It might have no legal merit in court, but it would but worth asking, IMO, so you don't get blindsided by it. 

[nowheretogo]

Hmm... .  ok, I will start a new thread about this custody issue.  According to my L, there is no standard in this county.  I did post one that I found online earlier, but he said that is just a standard form that one of the judges uses.

Also, your offer should not be taken as a start of negotiations.  Even if you withold something in case a concession is made later, it needs to be perceived as the maximum you will offer, not a starting point.  I am a little bit confused by this previous statement, ForeverDad, can you help me to understand what you mean and how to achieve that?

He does have other children.  The oldest is like 22, and he never knew him growing up at all.  Only first decided to meet him after he met me 4 yrs. ago.  He has two others from his ex-wife, ages 21 and 19.  He got every other weekend with them in his prior divorce decree (from 2002) and I know that he never pushed for 50/50 like he is with D2!  He has seen each of them only a handful of times in the past couple of years.  D21 has moved to Arkansas, was married and divorced already, and S19 graduated hs last spring, enlisted in the Marines, but dropped out the day he was supposed to go to boot camp and still lives locally.  He talks terribly about S19, well not as much now, but did for a long time... .  more stories around that for another time.  Truth is, I'm a physician and his ex-wife is a beautician.  He had to work before, but sees a window of opportunity where he may not have to, on top of his entitlement, etc.

[nowheretogo]

also, no, we never asked for a copy of the consultant's report.  Will bring up with L today if he calls.

[nowheretogo]

Just hoping to hear some more from my friends on these boards regarding comments below.  Did not talk to L today, so I have some more time to think, and I'm not going to allow him to quick put something together anyway.

I have to remember:  THINK ASSERTIVELY AND STRATEGICALLY

[ForeverDad]

Here is the next thread, you can reply there:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197324.0