how to begin custody settlement/case

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My H and I just got divorced.  YAY!  However, he still lives with me, and we still have the custody issue to resolve.

I just filed the custody complaint last week.  However, I guess the goal is to try to settle out of court, to make it easier.  My first question about that is, since he is mentally unstable and since he drinks too much alcohol, if I am going to use things like psych and/or custody evals, should I make sure that that is done now?  I mean if we do agree on something, but I want to bring those issues up later, would that be frowned upon or look stupid?  Am I making sense here?

My L is supposed to call me today.  He said H's L wants us to make a specific proposal to settle custody (although he hasn't spoken to H since the marital settlement agreement on March 1st).  H has said for the most part all along that he wants 50/50 custody of D2.  Some background info is that I am a physician and he lost his job in August, 2011, and has only had a few short-lived part-time jobs since then.  He was previously married and has 3 other kids by 2 woman.  I have an S7 from a previous r/s as well.  There is some info on his other kids on my last post on my prior thread on this board.  50/50 custody is attached to hefty child support when there is a large discrep. of income, so go figure that is what he wants, having never desired anything close to that with his other three children.

He is at least BPD and has several NPD traits as well.  He is constantly angry, always yelling, and imo, doesn't really treat kids like they are kids.  He drinks too much alcohol, probably on avg. 6-8 drinks per night, but I don't know how to prove this.

Of course I want primary custody.  S7 currently goes to his dad's (same county) every other Fri-Sun and every Wed. overnight.  I am willing to do every other Fri-Sun, same as S7, and maybe one additional overnight.  No more than 3 overnights. I don't think D2 is ready for all of that, and I definitely don't think week on week off is good at all for her.  She is pretty much attached to me at the hip, except for when I'm not there (from about 4-6 pm M-F).  I currently drop her off at daycare around 7 am (this is also discussed on last few posts from my prior thread on this board).  H picks her up usually around 4 until I get home usu around 6.  I don't want him to continue doing that long term because he should be more concerned about getting a good job, but is playing the card that he is worried about her being in daycare for so many hours, and it's not good for her and other b/s.  I can arrange for someone else to take his place doing that, and even I can do it temporarily.  I am thinking about offering every other Fri-Sun and every Wed. non overnight, secretly being willing to go to every other Fri-Mon.   I don't want overnights in the middle of the week because he doesn't work and will totally mess with her routine that we normally do.  Overnights in general worry me some, because if he needed to drive her somewhere and had alcohol in his system, he just would because he "is never intoxicated".

Comments please! 

[nowheretogo]

My H and I just got divorced.  YAY!  However, he still lives with me, and we still have the custody issue to resolve.

I just filed the custody complaint last week.  However, I guess the goal is to try to settle out of court, to make it easier.  My first question about that is, since he is mentally unstable and since he drinks too much alcohol, if I am going to use things like psych and/or custody evals, should I make sure that that is done now?  I mean if we do agree on something, but I want to bring those issues up later, would that be frowned upon or look stupid?  Am I making sense here?

My L is supposed to call me today.  He said H's L wants us to make a specific proposal to settle custody (although he hasn't spoken to H since the marital settlement agreement on March 1st).  H has said for the most part all along that he wants 50/50 custody of D2.  Some background info is that I am a physician and he lost his job in August, 2011, and has only had a few short-lived part-time jobs since then.  He was previously married and has 3 other kids by 2 woman.  I have an S7 from a previous r/s as well.  There is some info on his other kids on my last post on my prior thread on this board.  50/50 custody is attached to hefty child support when there is a large discrep. of income, so go figure that is what he wants, having never desired anything close to that with his other three children.

He is at least BPD and has several NPD traits as well.  He is constantly angry, always yelling, and imo, doesn't really treat kids like they are kids.  He drinks too much alcohol, probably on avg. 6-8 drinks per night, but I don't know how to prove this.

Of course I want primary custody.  S7 currently goes to his dad's (same county) every other Fri-Sun and every Wed. overnight.  I am willing to do every other Fri-Sun, same as S7, and maybe one additional overnight.  No more than 3 overnights. I don't think D2 is ready for all of that, and I definitely don't think week on week off is good at all for her.  She is pretty much attached to me at the hip, except for when I'm not there (from about 4-6 pm M-F).  I currently drop her off at daycare around 7 am (this is also discussed on last few posts from my prior thread on this board).  H picks her up usually around 4 until I get home usu around 6.  I don't want him to continue doing that long term because he should be more concerned about getting a good job, but is playing the card that he is worried about her being in daycare for so many hours, and it's not good for her and other b/s.  I can arrange for someone else to take his place doing that, and even I can do it temporarily.  I am thinking about offering every other Fri-Sun and every Wed. non overnight, secretly being willing to go to every other Fri-Mon.   I don't want overnights in the middle of the week because he doesn't work and will totally mess with her routine that we normally do.  Overnights in general worry me some, because if he needed to drive her somewhere and had alcohol in his system, he just would because he "is never intoxicated".

Comments please! 

[hell0kitty]

Your lawyer will likely have better answers, but from our experience so far, they set a court date WAY of in the future and then ask you to try to mediate.  If mediation fails they move you to a parenting evaluation where you get asked to produce witnesses etc.  This process can take months from what I understand (We have just started it) prior to that you can file for a motion for a temporary plan.  If you file first, you have the upper hand. So, you would need to figure out exactly what you want, write up a parenting plan as how you would want it and then file a motion.  In our state, we have been told that a lot of times, the temp plan is what the judge will just sign off on years down the road when it gets to trial, so do your best to make sure there is everything you want in that temp plan.  I have a friend whose son is 18 and she said they have just been using the temp plan for the last ten years because they never made it back to court.  I guess if you mess up on the temp plan, it can make everything else along the lines a million times harder, so that is of the utmost importance to get right.

[nowheretogo]

Just hoping to hear some more from my friends on these boards regarding comments below.  Did not talk to L today, so I have some more time to think, and I'm not going to allow him to quick put something together anyway.

I have to remember:  THINK ASSERTIVELY AND STRATEGICALLY

[ForeverDad]

If you cannot reach an agreement then definitely a custody evaluation will be necessary.

I encourage you to do your best to start out with as much time as possible in any temporary order.  If you are passive and agree to equal time in a temp order it will probably be very, very hard to get it changed significantly.  As is often remarked here, temporary orders have a tendency to morph into permanent orders.

Why not start out with offering an alternate weekend matching your son's schedule, condistioned upon his sobriety while parenting.  Leave it to him to come back with his XX%.  That will give you a chance to offer back an evening (not overnight yet) in between as your only concession.  Make sense?  If it doesn't sound final he will surely press for more.

If he presses for more then state your reasons not to offer more... .  overdrinking, lack of prior interest in parenting, historical lack of significant parenting of his 3 other children, lack of steady income or employment (lazy bum and grifter).  Maybe throw in too that daughter is closer to you and court will see that and everything else as enough reason for her to be with you majority time.  Whether the court will pay attention to any of it doesn't matter, at least not right now.  You need to state your case as positive and overwhelming as you can and let him stew in it for a while.  For all you know he might give in.  If he keeps smelling eventual $$$ he will keep trying.  If he's convinced he probably won't win, then he won't want to pay a lawyer on a case he might lose.

My case... .  We showed up in court for the initial divorce hearing, having been there in the months before with ex having temp custody.  However, when that the prior order had lapsed she started blocking all father-child contact and it took 3 months to get back into court, so the magistrate was informed that I'd been blocked for 3 months as well as ex's claims I was a child abuser and so magistrate said, I'll fix that.  He simply restarted her temp custody and I got alternate weekends again and an evening in between. :'(

Well, magistrate ordered mediation (failed) then proceeded with the court's social worker doing a "parenting investigation".  Apparently my state's social workers aren't allowed to make recommendations for custody so all that came out of that was a recommendation I get 50% and we should have a custody evaluation.  Court, in it's infinite wisdom  didn't make any adjustments, just ordered the custody evaluation.  The evaluation was in my favor too, but the court, again in it's infinite wisdom  still didn't make any adjustments, I stayed at alternate weekends until the final decree.  (That's why I say to start out with the very best temporary order possible!  Don't let a lawyer tell you it doesn't matter.)

[livednlearned]

Why not start out with offering an alternate weekend matching your son's schedule, condistioned upon his sobriety while parenting.  Leave it to him to come back with his XX%.  That will give you a chance to offer back an evening (not overnight yet) in between as your only concession.  Make sense?  If it doesn't sound final he will surely press for more.

Good strategic advice from FD. I might be a bit less accommodating in the initial negotiations, tho, especially because of the drinking. Maybe offer 8 hours Sat and 8 hours Sunday every other weekend, no overnights until ex has undergone treatment for his drinking. In my temporary order (which became permanent), it says that N/BPDxh will not drink prior to or during S11's visitation. Hard to prove or enforce, but it brings the issue into broad daylight where it should be. If I could do it again, I would add, "no alcohol prior to or during S11's visitation, including while the minor child is asleep." I don't know if it's possible, but I wish there was some contingency to include in the event N/BPDx did drink. When he had his psychotic episode (which was probably more than just alcohol), there was nothing law enforcement could do because the order is civil, not criminal. (Good thing to keep in mind, tho, as an aside: if you ever are worried about D2, law enforcement can do what they call a well-child check).

Ask for the moon at first, based on your gut instincts about what is best for D2 (short of denying any visitation at all, which isn't realistic). And then you have room for negotiation. I don't know if your lawyer will agree, or if this is possible, but it might also be to your advantage to recommend a contingent schedule (since your ex doesn't know how things work, you have an advantage). For example, you say "Let's do this proposed schedule until ex demonstrates he can consistently care for D2."

Use the negotiations to establish that you are the primary caregiver and D2 is very bonded to you.

[momtara]

The advice people have given me here is to do everything you can now.  It's hard to change the orders down the road.  So if you want a psych eval, it'd have to be during the proceedings at some point.

They are very expensive and don't always help, in the end, I was told by several lawyers.  And may have a $10K price tag. 

I think several of us are in this situation.  We have nutty husbands, but the system makes it hard to prove.  If he does something crazy, you can get a restraining order.  The standard of proof is less.

[GaGrl]

In bringing up the alcohol use, be prepared to quantify the amount you know he imbibes - x bottles of wine in x hours, or 3 twelve packs over a weekend. Do you have grocer or liquor store receipts?

[KateCat]

nowheretogo,

Wow, have you accomplished a lot. 

Now, to challenge the drinking, as members here are advising. Have you mentioned that your ex drives after drinking (or maybe even while drinking, on occasion)? Has your daughter ever been in the car with him when he has been drinking? Challenging him on the record on the issue of safety would probably require him either to deny that he drinks and drives or to minimize it, as I think he has done to you in the past. In today's family court, at least in my state, this is strong stuff.

[livednlearned]

nowheretogo,

Wow, have you accomplished a lot. 

Now, to challenge the drinking, as members here are advising. Have you mentioned that your ex drives after drinking (or maybe even while drinking, on occasion)? Has your daughter ever been in the car with him when he has been drinking? Challenging him on the record on the issue of safety would probably require him either to deny that he drinks and drives or to minimize it, as I think he has done to you in the past. In today's family court, at least in my state, this is strong stuff.

Mine too. My L didn't even worry about the mental illness (and it turns out N/BPDx provided plenty of proof about that on his own). She just zeroed in on the alcohol, because that almost always has a big impact on the kids, and courts are serious about that where I live. For me, though, I barely drink and so N/BPDx could not throw that back at me. Be prepared to hear lots of lies, like him accusing you of things that he himself does -- he will look for things with a small bit of truth to it, and then embellish it wildly. And you'll feel guilty because 2% of it is true, probably. Unless it is 100% true, it's considered false! And if your ex is going back longer than 6 mos, most courts don't care. They may not even care if you have a substantiated history of ex's drinking, but they will counter by saying "Mr. Nowheretogo (haha, just realized that your name actually applies more to him now!) you should seek treatment before the court will consider xyz custody schedule." They might do that just to hedge on the side of caution, and your ex won't be able to do it because he's disordered.

[KateCat]

"Mr. Nowheretogo (haha, just realized that your name actually applies more to him now!) you should seek treatment before the court will consider xyz custody schedule."

I am personally quite "bad" enough to be enjoying this irony, a lot! I also seem to remember a season of Desperate Housewives where Lynette Scavo's  perpetually dissatisfied husband Tom decided to take over a pizzeria from a neighborhood guy. It would be fun to see your ex repeat Tom's pizzeria adventures, and I think you should encourage him to make that career move. 

[nowheretogo]

So we had a very interesting weekend, and the question is if and how it changes things.

I never did get to update at the end of last week, but to make a long story short, H realized that I filed custody complaint and flipped out.  Again demanded that he WILL have 50/50 custody, and he WILL have D2 on the alternating weekends from which I have S7, etc.  Says he has to work every other weekend "on call" as the (omg) sober house manager.  And he can't get her Wed nights either, (when S7 goes as well), also because of this "job".  Btw, the sober house has only had a single young client to this point, and I have never seen H need to commit maybe more than 2 hrs. at a go to this "job".

Very nasty to me both Thur. and Fri. regarding all of this, telling me that I"m not going to get my way, and trying to figure out what arguments I might possibly use to "keep him" from getting 50/50, but still asserting that he will get it anyway.

Moved out most of his stuff on I think Fri, and then I came to find out later that he has an apt. from D2 saying "I went to Daddy's house". 

Fast forward to Fri night, D2 was upset b/c she misunderstood when she was going back there to see H's S19 and his gf.  He told me to bring her on over.  Gave me his address.  Was extremely nice, and accomodating, etc.  D2 and I spent the night, and he pushed for intimacy, which he got, although I still can't get into it and didn't really enjoy.  He said how sorry he was for all the things he had said, etc.  Said he doesn't think we need the courts for custody now; we can just work it out.  He doesn't want her to spend the night very much yet, anyway, because of so much change.  He doesn't believe in child support, and never did, was never going to take me for cs anyway.  Talked about me selling the house and moving to a town home, but with him being involved in it (using his realtor friend that we used to buy the house, him helping get it ready, and probably involved in finding my town home, which I assume  he wants to move into with me later).  Talked about how the house will be too much for me, and how he realizes now that he has the apt. how easy it is, etc.  I had a funny feeling in my stomach about all this and I'm not sure what to think/do.  I did tell him that I feel like he is pushing me to sell the house and I'm not ready yet.  I didn't comment on the custody stuff. On Sunday night, we all went to H's apt. for dinner (me, S7, D2, and H's S19 and gf).  He also threw in wanting me to keep the car insurance, his cell phone and health insurance for now.  He said I can drive his car as long as I want to.  He wants to be on my health insurance until he gets a job.  There was a lot more said, but you get the gist of it.

We currently have a custody conciliation hearing set for May 8th or 9th.  I am thinking about trying out his "working it out thing" if it is nowhere near 50/50.  I think I do need to have a talk with him though, where I say "Hey look.  We are divorced.  I am not saying we won't ever get back together, but we are from from that happening for a long time.  Serious changes would have to happen.  If you are serious about trying to make changes, I would be willing to support you by going to therapy, anger management classes, AA, etc.  " Or something along these lines.  I don't want him to think that because we slept together and had dinner together, that we are getting back together.  That because I didn't argue with him over what he said about custody means that I'm just going to agree. 

I feel so badly that I am still not strong enough to just tell him no, or exactly how I feel in the moment, but I'm always worried about his reactions and also the possible legal ramifications to anything I might say.

I hope I didn't just take 100 steps backwards, but I am worried.  I am *slightly* hopeful.

HELP!

[GaGrl]

He's manipulating you. That's the uncomfortable feeling you 're getting. You just don't know his angle yet.

Stay the course.

You know the sexton is a bad idea.

[nowheretogo]

I know, I know.  And I didn't really want to do it, again.  I didn't resist as much as usual, though.

This may be too hard for my personality to handle :'(

At least we are divorced.

[nowheretogo]

Oh, and I love the comments on Mr. Nowheretogo... ... .

I am letting him get to me again... . starting to worry about everything I say/do, etc.

I'm sure things will change between now and May enough for me to know where to go with this.

[ForeverDad]

You have to draw the line somewhere, somehow.  Socializing with him blurs that "we're divorced" line.  Can you keep child exchanges simple and basic, no visiting or hanging around, no wining and dining?

I know you're trying not to trigger overreactions, but you have to set some boundaries, if not now, then soon.  What he's doing is getting you off balance then when you should be going home, you are somehow persuaded to stay and the longer you stay the harder it is to leave and go home.

It's tough living in that quazi in-between status - divorced but not quite yet fully apart.

Hmm.  Do you attend religious services?  Perhaps you could say you've been counseled that you have to go home.  You leave when the other guests leave.  Would that work for you?  Or bring a relative or friend and you do the driving so that when friend leaves, you leave too.  Acknowledge your weak boundaries and ponder how you can make them stronger or avoid being in scenarios where you can be pressured or cajoled again and again.

Otherwise you risk a relapse letting him right back into your life and home.  I'll bet that's on his list.

[Forward2free]

Are you okay? It sounds like Mr NWTG has you off balance and I agree with the others that manipulation is foremost on his mind.

You need as much distance as possible between you and Mr NWTG. Until I went no contact with N/BPDxh, I was continually engaged in his "love me, don't leave me, we're good together, this can all work out, I'll do anything to change, I can't bear to be away from the kids".

Fast forward a couple of days, and he managed to cheer himself up enough with a new gf and his life got remarkably better without me and "all the problems I caused" etc.

Be careful. Set firm boundaries - no intimacy - no sleepovers - no discussions of "our future" - make your own plans - think about your future as a single parent for the time being and being the best mum you can be - enjoy the peace you find when you are on your own without the drama and distractions - imagine what life would be like without managing his lifestyle choices etc... .

If D2 is not ready for sleepovers, don't force them. Maybe it's too soon and she'd be happier at home. Start with access during the day and when everyone is ready to move forward with overnights, discuss it again.

[KateCat]

I'm so glad you're able to recognize and express your vulnerabilities here. It's a sign he may not be able to defeat you in the long run.

In the short term, though, wow! He's a professional at domination. (And a dangerous one at that, right, if his former probation/parole officer career has disappeared because of some sort of abuse of power on his part.) He really needs a win right now. And that's you.

But he's also running out of time a little bit. And your parents are coming soon, aren't they? You need strong people around you at this time the way a person exiting a cult needs a deprogrammer. Because it sounds as though, when you're away from him, you see things differently pretty quickly. I think you can do this.

[livednlearned]

I'm so glad you're able to recognize and express your vulnerabilities here. It's a sign he may not be able to defeat you in the long run.

In the short term, though, wow! He's a professional at domination. (And a dangerous one at that, right, if his former probation/parole officer career has disappeared because of some sort of abuse of power on his part.) He really needs a win right now. And that's you.

But he's also running out of time a little bit. And your parents are coming soon, aren't they? You need strong people around you at this time the way a person exiting a cult needs a deprogrammer. Because it sounds as though, when you're away from him, you see things differently pretty quickly. I think you can do this.

Good comments from KateCat! It felt a lot like exiting a cult for me too. I was in a support group for women and had a therapist, so sometimes ended up having therapy 2x a week, plus talked to friends on the phone daily, my lawyer, and lots of support from my colleagues at work. It took a village to help me deprogram. It's a huge step that you can see your ex is disordered and divorce him -- so hang onto that victory. Next is recognizing how your own thinking (fear, obligation, guilt) entraps you.

And Kormilda and FD are right -- get as much distance as possible. Do you have friends you can call who can help you with your decision-making while you're this vulnerable right now?

[nowheretogo]

Oh, my dear friends here, I need you so!  Thank you so much for sticking with me and offering your comments, support and advice. 

Unfortunately, I did a bit of the same last night.  Was going home and picked up S7 at daycare as usual, expecting H and D2 to be at home getting dinner ready, as usual.   But he had her at his new place.  So we headed over there instead.  He texted me that he had some food for S7 and I said ok, expecting it packed in a to-go container.  I went to the door to get D2 and he said where's S7?  I said waiting in the car.  He said I said I had dinner for him.  So I went and got him and we all had something to eat, and then I was trying to make phone calls to Verizon about making switches, etc.  It got kind of chaotic, and turned into our "normal" to some extent, with H yelling at kids and telling S7 how he never listens, and how he is manipulating everything and "playing the game" now he he is no longer there, etc.  The good of this is that it made me realize that I have to not keep doing this. 

I'm not 100% sure how I"m going to get there, but I need to do like FD says and try to just make the exchange.  Of course, he technically has until April 15th to "move out" of my house, so it may be a bit sticky until then (and probably afterwards if I'm not careful).  Maybe having my parents there will make a big difference? 

I don't really have any local friends or family to help, but I do have a T that I talked to yesterday and hopefully again today and will try to meet next week to help me through the emotions of all this. 

I need to start acting divorced, and I am too easily manipulated into acting however H wants me to.

[KateCat]

I do have a T that I talked to yesterday and hopefully again today and will try to meet next week to help me through the emotions of all this. 

I think this is going to save you.  Your guy is a master at manipulation, and anyone would need objective guidance to overcome his strong influence.

[livednlearned]

A book that helped me a lot was Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you identify the different ways you're being manipulated, by different kinds of abusers. Right now, you see his behavior as good or bad. When you understand what he's doing to manipulate you, the subtleties become much more clear and you aren't as easily manipulated.

It's a process. 

[catnap]

Just another reason to stick to your guns about getting the custody arrangement in writing and enforceable.  Otherwise, he will be picking up D2 on random days, and putting you in the position of having to go get her. 

I think having your parents come, your therapist, a temporary custody agreement, and being able to change the locks (possibly an alarm system?) on your house will all help in setting firmer boundaries. 

Hang in there, the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer!   

[nowheretogo]

Good point lnl.  Part of the reason I am being more easily manipulated now is because he is less in my face and "seems" nicer and more well behaved, and so I am "forgetting" the awfulness short-term, if that makes sense.  And in light of that "forgetfulness" I start feeling "bad" or "guilty" about going against the grain, which equals manipulation.

My T said if he is so willing to agree outside of the courts that he should be willing to agree on a legal document.  I think he doesn't want a "schedule", seems like he wants to fly by the seat of our pants.  And I was trying to rationalize why he was so set on 50/50 if we go to court, but not so much if we stay out, and it finally occurred to me last night that he is afraid of being taken for child support.  I don't know if I can or should convince him that I won't do that (unless an actual need arose, which is highly unlikely).  He has tried to convince me that he won't take me for cs... .

Right now I am actually "fearing" my parents coming and changing the locks, which is really a fear of his reactions to my boundaries, right?

I have to go through this difficult uncomfortable stuff to get where I need to be, right?  Doing what is easier, and maybe more comfortable now (ie being manipulated) is going to make the long-term harder.  I have to remember this.

[nowheretogo]

What is hard for me to understand is how I continually go back to "feeling bad" for someone who has made me so upset so many times in the past and treated me so poorly so many times.  How is it that I "forget" that and still feel like trying to cooperate, not hurting him and even helping him?  Is this addressed in the "Why Does he Do That" book?

[livednlearned]

Part of the reason I am being more easily manipulated now is because he is less in my face and "seems" nicer and more well behaved, and so I am "forgetting" the awfulness short-term, if that makes sense. 

He is manipulating you when he is nice because it works.

I think he doesn't want a "schedule", seems like he wants to fly by the seat of our pants. 

That allows him to have much more control over you. He can manipulate you into doing what he wants if there is no schedule.

Right now I am actually "fearing" my parents coming and changing the locks, which is really a fear of his reactions to my boundaries, right?

Yes! Setting boundaries is super uncomfortable when you don't have them. It's like muscle atrophy. The more you do it, the stronger that muscle will get. It takes practice. It is your house, your safety, your home, your right to stand up for your peace of mind.

I have to go through this difficult uncomfortable stuff to get where I need to be, right?  Doing what is easier, and maybe more comfortable now (ie being manipulated) is going to make the long-term harder.  I have to remember this.

Sure was that way for me. I had to take a leap of faith into a big pile of steaming discomfort. A really good word for me at first was "no." I used to think saying no was going to trigger anger in other people. Then I graduated to "f@*k y@@"  That was during my awkward stage. Then I learned some more socially acceptable ones like "Let me think about that." "I'll get back to you about later." Fake it until you make it, if that helps.

[GaGrl]

I loved a quote I read last year... .

"Many women reach 40 before realizing that 'No' is a complete sentence."

Really... . you don't need to justify your decisions on what is best for your children. I would second the lock change and alarm system. In fact, security cameras might help also.

[nowheretogo]

No is a complete sentence.  No is a complete sentence.  I have to learn this.

Yesterday he was at my house while I was at work and cleaned up the downstairs living area and cooked dinner.  After work, I went to see the kids in their Easter program at the daycare; he said he had a meeting to go to for the sober house that he manages (I have to laugh everytime I say this).  He texted me afterwards asking how it went.  I texted him later to thank him for cleaning and cooking, but maybe I shouldn't have.  Or maybe I should have said, thanks, but you don't have to do that stuff anymore (?)

He rang my cell around 9 pm and I didn't answer, figured I could always say I was putting the kids to bed at that time.

Today he texted me a bit after 3 pm saying he has D2 and can I pick her up by 6, to which I replied yes. 

I know what I need to do, but it's the getting there that is the hardest part.  I just need to suck it up soon and try not to continue to give him any mixed messages.  It's not going to be easy for me, as you all know, but I am going to have to do it.

Otherwise, why bother getting the divorce?

[nowheretogo]

OK, I am getting there very quickly.  Being able to say NO.  I am really starting to feel like I hate this guy.  He kept D2 Thursday night, because he told me he was going to.  Then he told me that he is going to keep her for the weekend (trying to force me to have S7 one weekend and her the next).  He picked her up from daycare Thursday.  I told him I'd like to pick her up Fri. am to go with S7 to gymnastics complex to play with his friend.  He tried to tell me to just go with Dante, etc. saying that once she sees me then she is not going to want to stay with him and for me to stop controlling everything and trying to keep her from seeing him.  When I asked him to have her call me to say good night he said she was asleep in her room on her bed at about 855 pm (a dig at me because she sleeps in the bed with me at home now)  She is never asleep that early.  He then said that he had wanted her for the weekend b/c he planned to cook Easter dinner on Sunday and have his S19 and gf over.  I offered to to then do Easter on Sat. with D2 and S7; I would pick her up Sat. am and he could then pick her up again Sun am.  "Oh no, that's not happening."  He then said if she was up, he would call me Fri. am and I could take her to the playdate.  Wound up getting her around 945 Fri. morning.  She was dead tired and also said she slept in the bed with Daddy in his room.  I kept her Fri night. On Sat. I did the egg hunt with the kids, took them to the playground with their friends, colored eggs, etc.  I kept her Sat. night.  I texted him Sat. night and said why don't you pick her up in the am, knowing he wanted to do Easter dinner, etc.  He texted me in the morning saying he was coming and to have her ready.  I told her he was coming to get, and she said about 40 times "I don't want to go to Daddy's house."  I told her it was ok, Mommy and Daddy love her, I'll be here when she gets back, etc.  S7 went to his dad's on Sunday am also, per our custody stipulation.  Just before 8 pm I was going to get S7 and texted H that I would be there for D2 at 8:15.  "Oh no you won't.   You already kept her most of the weekend.  She is watching a movie and playing.  And she is just fine when she is here.I don't know who you think you are.l  I agreed to let ou take her to the park and you were to bring her back isnteady u kept her not one but two nights.  I am not trying to keep her from you.  You just want to keep her from me"

I can't go over there and manhandle her out of the house so I didn't go.  I asked him to have her call me again just before 9 pm, and he ignored that request.

Remember how he was being "all nice" and saying we could just work out custody without going to court?  Yeah, that lasted until he pushed to have her this weekend again, and I said what did I say about me having her and S7 on opposite weekends?  They are brother/sister.  They need to spend time together.  And he argues that he "has to work" and that he has friends with kids and he wants her to be able to play with them/not be alone... . Duh, she could be with S7 instead!  When I pointed out that these non-siblings and his friend have nothing to do with us, he lost it.  His scheme to try to have me "agree" outside of court to his having 50/50 custody so that when he felt ready to go to court that they would grant that because hey, that's what he is already doing, is not going to work!

I called L this mornign to let him know what is happening.  I said until conciliation meeting on May 8, I am only agreeing to every other Fri-Sun (he can have her the same wknd that S7 goes to his dad's) and that he can continue picking her up at daycare until I come get her after work on M-F.  That is it!  That is not trying to keep him from seeing her!  I am so fed up with him!  L is going to write a letter to H's L, stating what I am agreeing to, but it's up to me to try to get her back and to try to enforce this... .   aaargh!

[nowheretogo]

And now his reply to my text last night requesting a good night call from D2:

"We were in bed already. she and I were both tired.  She did not want to go to daycare today.  She wanted to play with her guitar.  I would like to keep her tonight or Thursday, cause John wanted to take me to Maryland Fri. for my birthday and help on his sailboat... .   if that's cool if not tonight then Thursday."

I knew he wasn't going to take her to daycare today and I knew he was going to want to keep her again tonight.  Correct on both accounts.

Ugh

[GaGrl]

So he's already messing with her structure and schedule? Not good for a child.