Empathy. Why is it so hard?

[isshebpd]

I was going to drop by my parents house today for a visit, but I'm backing out. I called my uBPDmom, and said matter-of-factly that I'm not feeling well. Response, no empathy. She was just irritated, and basically accused me of not feeling well a lot lately.

I discussed a couple of health issues. Well she did talk to me, it was in a detached factual way. No emotions, other than those she feels for herself.

What if someone forced her to make empathetic statements? If she did it enough would she start to feel empathy? Can empathy be socialized into a non-empathetic person?

[me and the]

perhaps she feels "abandoned" and her illness reacts that way ~ I dont think BPD allows empathy~ i think in my experience it is not really felt for anyone but themselves~ my mother is a nurse, and I think the job "forced" her to do "empathetic" actions but without emotion~ maybe that is the closest they get

[princessbubblegum]

I would agree with the first response to your post. I am almost 40. My mother has BPD and was diagnosed when I was a teen. My whole life I have never seen her have any humility or empathy. It's like they don't exist or they just don't understand how to practice. I struggle with this and wrote a fair amount of stuff in my blog about it. If I can write it down it helps me sort it out. She may not be capable of having these emotions but I have control over mine.

I am sorry, but I have been in those shoes and they are not fun. So you are at least in good company. I eventually stopped talking to my mother about sickness or day to day things, she would just get irritated about everything.

Good for setting your boundary of not going and telling her and sticking to your guns on it.

[Clearmind]

BPD is a disorder of the personality issheBPD – she is hardwired.

We need to be mindful that she doesn’t mean to invalidate you – she knows no different – it hurts I know!

Are you able to find support elsewhere? To heal we need to accept our parents are BPD and know there will be limitations to our r/s with them. Believe me - I know my uBPDf's limitations and I now work with them rather than against them.

We can't change them - as much as we would like to!

We can make a difference to how we manage triggers - Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind

[isshebpd]

Being forced to be empathetic through work, in various jobs I've had, has improved my personality. But maybe that was just the growing up that most people do. Its sad to see my uBPDmom, of all people, not able to mature in this way.

Her inability to have empathy means she will never fully appreciate what her abuse did to us. How I almost went off the deep end in both High School and University. I kind of wish I had. It might have meant I'd been helped earlier. Holding things together, to extent that I did, may have worked against me.

As for support, only from my DW at the moment. Like others have mentioned, your partner can see the insanity for what it is, and validate not just your emotions but your sense of reality. I want to talk to my normal sister directly about our circumstances growing up. I know she knows, but it can be hard to start talking because anything you say to anybody can be passed along, blown out of proportion, and misinterpreted.

We're moving in a couple months, not sure what neighbourhood yet, so I want to wait a little while before choosing a therapist.

[Clearmind]

I kind of wish I had. It might have meant I'd been helped earlier. Holding things together, to extent that I did, may have worked against me.

I thought the same! Unfortunately it would have the opposite affect issheBPD. Borderlines are triggered even more so when challenged.

Her behavior is not your fault and it was ingrained in her long before you came into this world.

As for support, only from my DW at the moment. Like others have mentioned, your partner can see the insanity for what it is, and validate not just your emotions but your sense of reality. I want to talk to my normal sister directly about our circumstances growing up. I know she knows, but it can be hard to start talking because anything you say to anybody can be passed along, blown out of proportion, and misinterpreted.

I'm pleased to hear you have support. Talking with your sister is a great idea - get things out in the open and share. This will help you move forward.

I have tried to talk to my brother and he is more of an avoidant personality to me - he copes with it in his own way.

[InaMinorRole]

Borderline Personality Disorder is in "Cluster B," which means the psychologists have grouped it with other personality disorders that often go hand in hand. In fact, it's difficult to tell where one starts and the other leaves off. A lot of people have symptoms of many of these disorders. They are: borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, and anti-social. Anti-social is the lack of empathy aspect.

A simple lack of empathy is different from actively enjoying watching someone else suffer.

Here is one way to look at lack of empathy in Borderline. Let's say you get hit by a car and you're pinned against a wall with your legs crushed. You feel your blood draining out of you. You think you're dying. And a little girl comes up to you, crying, and shows you a little cut on her hand. Do you care? Of course not! A normal person who has not just been in a car accident will care about the girl. But at the precise moment you don't.

Someone with BPD always feels like they were just in a car accident. It's all about them! They're dying! They're broken! Why would they care about you and your tiny problem?

I'm saying this to try to foster empathy for their lack of empathy.

[Ember]

InaMinorRole, I realize that your example is an analogy but I actually experienced something similar:

When I was a child my mother accidently ran over my foot with the car. Naturally I started yelling at her to stop and move the car.  But, she refused to move the car until I apologized for yelling  at her and asked her nicely to 'please move the car'. 

I'll accept that she can't feel emphathy, but when did she become the victim?  Is it reasonable for me to stay pinned under the car because I might hurt her feelings if I say something? My whole life my mother has used my empathy against me.  I'm not allowed to feel my own emotions because hers must always come first. 

 

[isshebpd]

I think what disturbs me about my uBPDmom's lack of empathy is how its affected me. I'm reading about attachment, especially attachment between mothers and children.

The fact that uBPDmom can't say "I love you" or hug or kiss is rocking me to my core. She can be helpful at times, and may pass on articles she read about health or world problems. But she's more like a search engine than a loving Mom. I can only assume she must have not done attachment right when I was very young. When all my anger and frustration dissipate, I feel nothing for her.

In fact, I have a hard time feeling anything for anyone. I'm trying, I really want to feel more for people close to me at least. I feel more for my DW than anyone. Before her, my "romantic" relationships were short (weeks at most) and not really containing strong emotions. I lose touch with people quickly if I'm not in daily contact.

Even when someone dies, I don't feel I mourn like normal people. I work in a social services job, and worked high-level tech support/customer service in the past (for major corporations), so I know how to appear caring. I'm fairly charismatic, so I'm good around people.

But inside, I feel cold.

add-on: I did bond a bit with my uBPDmom's mother. In fact, I thought affection was something Grandmothers did not Moms. Messed up, eh? I did cry when Grandmother died so I know I felt something about her.

[Clearmind]

Often adult kids of BPD parents feel safer to hide our emotions - after all - having emotions as children was always overlooked in place of the heightened emotions from our high maintenance parents.

Mindfulness is helpful for connecting to those emotions. They are there issheBPD - however due to our need to protect us and keep us safe - for fight or flight - we have buried them.

Have a listen to this video series - new one will be posted next Monday so get in quick... .  

The Self Acceptance Project: 12 week free video series

Over to the right is the Survivors Guide ---> What number do you think you were when you first landed here at bpdfamily? Where do you see yourself now?

[InaMinorRole]

Ember, wow. Just wow. I would say "unbelievable" but we all have stories like this from our own lives so no matter how ridiculous and crazy and unfair it is, I'm sure it happened exactly the way you remember. My best example from my own life was when I told my mother I needed major surgery and she said, "Oh. I have a little kitty face looking at me. Hi, Patches! That's all that matters."

Really, it's amazing any of us survived our childhood at all with these mothers who really didn't care.

[isshebpd]

Clearmind, I'm still in the Remembering area. Sort of around 5, 6 and 7.

I'll watch the videos. Thanks. 

Ember,

That car incident shocked me too. If she'd done that to a stranger, she'd have criminal record.