Finally, at 53, I've left my uBPD mother and enabling father. Never to return.

[Texaussie]

Well, it's done.  After a lifetime of, well... .  BPD abuse by my mother, I am finished.  I moved back to the States last October after 20 years in Australia to help my dad care for my physically illl mother.  What a lesson I've had.  I suppose I had some kind of hope that in her ailing state and advancing years (75) that we could establish some kind of healthy, adult relationship.  But, alas, it wasn't to be.  After being spoken to like a 12 year old, because I was 'making too much noise and she couldn't hear the tv', this done with pure murder in her eyes,  I told her I was done. And that she would never have to hear a noise from me again.  (the noise was that I was cleaning out the fridge of rotten food because she never ever does it).

My father sat beside her and never said a word.  As I was going out the door (I have been staying with them on and off) with my suitcase I asked him if this was ok with him, he just said 'yeah'.  

So, that's it.  No more.  I will not subject myself to any more pain and abuse, only to be blamed for 'overreacting' when I refuse to take it.  I know this probably sounds like a trivial thing, but, believe me, it may have been a tiny straw... .  but it was the LAST straw.  I could relate stories of a lifetime of abuse and blame, and being made responsible for her fragile emotnal and mental state, since I was a toddler.  I had the first anxiety attack that I can remembere when I was three years old.  

My sister and I have reconnected in the last few weeks (after 30 years of our mother actively working to undermine any relationship we might have).  My sister helped me to see that our father has basically thrown us to the wolf our whole lives.  He has never, not once, ever protected us from her... .  not even when we were very small.  

So, he has made his bed... .  he cam lie in it.  I will not be a part of it.  

I'm free.

[DogDancer]

Good for you, Texaussie, for taking your leave when you'd had it.

You sound fed up and then some, and could you not feel that way.

Glad to hear you and your sister have reconnected. That sounds promising. I hope you'll be able to connect more and work on building a healthy relationship moving forward. You've both been through a lot, it sounds like.

My father, too, did not protect us from our dxBPD mother; sadly, his coping mechanism was to sink into alcoholism, which continued to get worse after their divorce and her death. He has been in recovery for a dozen years now, but I no longer have a relationship with him. I went NC about seven years ago. I just got tired of him parentifying me. So, I do relate to what you're saying about your dad.

I hope you have a place to go and some funds for now and that you'll keep posting to let us know how you are.

Peace and healing,

DogDancer

[Texaussie]

Thank you, DogDancer.

It helps very much to know I am not the only person to have gone through the things I've been subjected to. 

My parents, particularly my dad, retreated into religion.  He told my sister only a few weeks ago when she cornered him with some questions that many years ago he saw that there many things he didn't like and that he could either divorce himself from the situation, or divorce her.  Obviously, he chose the former.  My sister told him that that decision did not help her or me. 

It's been three days since I left. I went to their place and packed up all my things today while they were away and am with my best friend from highschool, whom I have reconnected with since being home.  She is a god-send.

My son, whom I love and respect so very much, is still staying with my parents.  He is a vey mature 19 years old, and an Ayn Rand kinda guy.  He was welcome to come with me to my friend's place, but there's not a place for him to have his own room and space here.  My parents do not treat him badly, on the contrary, my mother thinks he hung the moon.  He stayed because he will be working in that town very soon, and I am now 2 hours away.  The hardest thing was for me to leave without him.

But, you know what... .  we had a wondereful in-depth heart to heart before I left.  He was worried about me in that he wanted to know if I was doing this to somehow attempt to make them see what they had done to me, not just this week, but FOREVER.  I assured him that was not the case, that I was doing this for MY sanity, and self-respect.  He was happy with that.  He jus wanted to make sure that I knew that they would never see their own fault.

I have been the family scape-goat all my life.  Except for when I live half way around the world, then I'm the Golden Child.

It's going to take me awhile to grieve and recover.  I'm reeling right now. 

I have prayed and asked for wisdom since I got here, I will continue to do the same.

Thank you again.

[DogDancer]

You're welcome, Texaussie.

Sounds like YOU have raised a pretty impressive human being -- your son. He's quite wise. And a good friend, who can provide ongoing understanding and support in the moment -- what a blessing; it makes me happy to hear you have such a friend right now.

I am pleased for you that you've accepted -- not approved but accepted -- that it's not likely that you will get any sort of indepth acknowledgement of the sort that you deserve.

However, as you said, doing what's right for your sanity, and doing what you must to recover from this round with your parents, and doing everything you can to heal more is absolutely the wise move, and you've made it. Bravo! 

Will look forward to more posts about your journey.

Peace and healing for us,

DogDancer

[Texaussie]

Bless your heart, DogDancer. 

Yes, he is an amazing person, and I respect him and his opinions and observations.  It is a miracle that I have children who know that they can talk to me about anything in this world.  I have a daughter as well, she is in Australia attending law school.  I rely on my kids to call me to task when and if necessary.  I have the utmost respect for them.  We have been through a lot, the three of us.  They often tell me how much they appreciate that I didn't raise them the way I was raised. 

I am so very blessed. 

This website has saved my sanity, now, and in the past.  It's akin to going to AA when you need to get sober.  God sent.

[WrongWoman]

Good for you, Texaussie. I hope this brings peace and harmony into your life.  I have been in N/C with my uBPD mother for nearly 23 years.  Sure, it's sad, but I realized that all I was doing was banging my head against a brick wall that consisted only of my desire for something that never was and never would be.  I gave my husband and sons a great gift by making that decision, as well.

Cheers to your freedom.

[Texaussie]

Wrong Woman,

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement.  This site is to me what AA meetings were 24 years ago when I got sober.  I am learning, a day at a time, how to live in REALITY, and as you say... .  what I wanted and needed in a mother (and father) never was and never will be.  I want, and choose, to live in reality.  It's the only way my life can be the best I can make it.

I appreciate you.