making sense of my childhood & family of origin

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am not sure what happened during my childhood. At the time I thought I had a pretty normal family, and if you asked me I would tell you I was lucky to have my mom.

But looking at it now, and remembering the things I can remember, it just seems like a cauldron of dysfunction where everyone pretends to be normal. There were these huge elephants in the room all the time, and you were never allowed to say anything about them. There were a lot of lies, and shaming, and we were superficial all the time. My mother controlled the conversation all the time (and still tries to). My father was silent and emotionally unavailable, a high-functioning alcoholic.

I can't go into the details right now... .  but I can tell you I know my mother is a highly functioning BPD with lots of narcissistic tendencies. It was all so insidious and just below the radar. She really is a shell of a person, and if you ever expose that there is nothing beneath that shell, even without meaning to, she will bite your head off and eat it up.

My sister is medium functioning BPD, if there is such a thing. I've read some of the stories of men with BPD GFs and wives, and they all sound like my sister. She thinks everyone is out to get her. I started to realize something was very wrong with her about 10 years ago, when I gently corrected some silly mistake she made when making a political argument. Anyway she totally freaked out on me, told me I always make her feel stupid, and she picked up a plate (our mother's fancy china) like she was going to hurl it at my face, then she smashed it down on the table and it broke into hundreds of shards. This was not the first time she acted way out of proportion with what was happening, and irrationally, but it really got my attention. She had already been diagnosed as bipolar and I always wrote off her behavior as having to do with being bipolar. But then I had a couple of good friends who were bipolar, and they were soo much easier to get along with and didn't have all the weird hang-ups about being super competitive about everything and never being able to admit to any flaw in what they did or said. My sister has also had a lot of trouble holding a job, taking care of herself financially, her health, etc. My parents have always bailed her out when she's in serious trouble. I did it once (literally bailed her out of jail with a credit card over the phone) but will not do it again.

As you can see, it's a lot easier for me to pinpoint the problems with my sister than with my mother. I have always gotten along better with my mother... .  but I think part of that is it has been in my best interest to get along wtih my mother. I've adapted to get along with her, to get my needs met. Part of that has been to do whatever she wants, and to not speak up when I have needs. Only in the last few years have I started to very carefully assert myself when I have needs. I remember once visiting my parents, and as soon as I stepped off the plane my mom started telling me all the things she had planned, down to what time and where we were going to dinner, when we would do what activities, etc. And I just said, "I'm really tired and I'd like to go rest at your house before we go anywhere." She agreed, but she made this HUGE BIG DEAL about how generous she was being in complying with my request. I always feel like she is trying to get as much of my time as possible- trying to guilt me into making commitments to spend time with her. And then when we actually are in the same room together she's not even present- she is on her cell phone, she's gossipping about other people, never listening to me or talking about anything real.

Meanwhile my dad just is silent and goes along with whatever my mom says. Sometimes my mom makes things up or refuses to acknowledge things that happened in the past, things I definitely recall as fact and can prove, and my dad just backs up my mom. If he ever dares to disagree with her she rages at him. And I've mentioned that he's an alcoholic. The few times I've ever seen him get sloppy my mom has gone ballistic on him- one time he fell down and she started kicking him and yelling at him. She treats him with terrible contempt. They have been married more than 40 years, and my mom threw this huge anniversary party. She tried to guilt me into throwing her a party but I used the (true) excuse that I couldn't afford it since I had 2 kids and just bought a house. The reality is I think their marriage is something of a sham and I can't celebrate it. I have come to accept that they are two distinctly dysfunctional people and I don't think they would be better apart, but their marriage is dysfunctional and it doesn't really help them any. They enable each other.

So I am trying to figure out where I fit in, and how to get past all this. It's hard. I moved across the country when I was pregnant because my husband would not raise children within 500 miles of my parents. At the time I kind of resented it but I know that was the right thing to do. I am out of their orbit, and I can forget about them a lot of the time. I sometimes get sucked into some drama but I can get out pretty easily. The worst is when my parents come to visit. I'm always hopeful that it will be ok, but it is always soo painful. One of the worst things is watching how my mom is with my children. She has zero empathy, doesn't really know how to connect with them. She thinks that buying them things will make them love her, and she buys them really inappropriate things that go against my values (Disney, Barbie, etc). But I don't care that much. I do care that she does hurtful things to them, to me, and to my husband. And my parents are coming for a visit in about 6 weeks, so I'm reading up on BPD and getting into this forum to prepare. My goal has always been to be able to maintain my identity with my mom in the room- it's very hard for me to do. My instinct is to completely cave to whatever she wants and always try to appease her. I start acting like her when she's around. And then it takes me a few days to recover after she has left. At the same time, I really crave seeing her, like I want things to be different, or like I wonder if I'm really imagining it all and it's not as bad as I think it is, and I need to see again because I don't believe these feelings I have.

There is much more, but I've already written too much. Sorry!

[dani4]

I am not sure what happened during my childhood. At the time I thought I had a pretty normal family, and if you asked me I would tell you I was lucky to have my mom.

But looking at it now, and remembering the things I can remember, it just seems like a cauldron of dysfunction where everyone pretends to be normal. There were these huge elephants in the room all the time, and you were never allowed to say anything about them. There were a lot of lies, and shaming, and we were superficial all the time. My mother controlled the conversation all the time (and still tries to). My father was silent and emotionally unavailable, a high-functioning alcoholic.

I can't go into the details right now... .  but I can tell you I know my mother is a highly functioning BPD with lots of narcissistic tendencies. It was all so insidious and just below the radar. She really is a shell of a person, and if you ever expose that there is nothing beneath that shell, even without meaning to, she will bite your head off and eat it up.

My sister is medium functioning BPD, if there is such a thing. I've read some of the stories of men with BPD GFs and wives, and they all sound like my sister. She thinks everyone is out to get her. I started to realize something was very wrong with her about 10 years ago, when I gently corrected some silly mistake she made when making a political argument. Anyway she totally freaked out on me, told me I always make her feel stupid, and she picked up a plate (our mother's fancy china) like she was going to hurl it at my face, then she smashed it down on the table and it broke into hundreds of shards. This was not the first time she acted way out of proportion with what was happening, and irrationally, but it really got my attention. She had already been diagnosed as bipolar and I always wrote off her behavior as having to do with being bipolar. But then I had a couple of good friends who were bipolar, and they were soo much easier to get along with and didn't have all the weird hang-ups about being super competitive about everything and never being able to admit to any flaw in what they did or said. My sister has also had a lot of trouble holding a job, taking care of herself financially, her health, etc. My parents have always bailed her out when she's in serious trouble. I did it once (literally bailed her out of jail with a credit card over the phone) but will not do it again.

As you can see, it's a lot easier for me to pinpoint the problems with my sister than with my mother. I have always gotten along better with my mother... .  but I think part of that is it has been in my best interest to get along wtih my mother. I've adapted to get along with her, to get my needs met. Part of that has been to do whatever she wants, and to not speak up when I have needs. Only in the last few years have I started to very carefully assert myself when I have needs. I remember once visiting my parents, and as soon as I stepped off the plane my mom started telling me all the things she had planned, down to what time and where we were going to dinner, when we would do what activities, etc. And I just said, "I'm really tired and I'd like to go rest at your house before we go anywhere." She agreed, but she made this HUGE BIG DEAL about how generous she was being in complying with my request. I always feel like she is trying to get as much of my time as possible- trying to guilt me into making commitments to spend time with her. And then when we actually are in the same room together she's not even present- she is on her cell phone, she's gossipping about other people, never listening to me or talking about anything real.

Meanwhile my dad just is silent and goes along with whatever my mom says. Sometimes my mom makes things up or refuses to acknowledge things that happened in the past, things I definitely recall as fact and can prove, and my dad just backs up my mom. If he ever dares to disagree with her she rages at him. And I've mentioned that he's an alcoholic. The few times I've ever seen him get sloppy my mom has gone ballistic on him- one time he fell down and she started kicking him and yelling at him. She treats him with terrible contempt. They have been married more than 40 years, and my mom threw this huge anniversary party. She tried to guilt me into throwing her a party but I used the (true) excuse that I couldn't afford it since I had 2 kids and just bought a house. The reality is I think their marriage is something of a sham and I can't celebrate it. I have come to accept that they are two distinctly dysfunctional people and I don't think they would be better apart, but their marriage is dysfunctional and it doesn't really help them any. They enable each other.

So I am trying to figure out where I fit in, and how to get past all this. It's hard. I moved across the country when I was pregnant because my husband would not raise children within 500 miles of my parents. At the time I kind of resented it but I know that was the right thing to do. I am out of their orbit, and I can forget about them a lot of the time. I sometimes get sucked into some drama but I can get out pretty easily. The worst is when my parents come to visit. I'm always hopeful that it will be ok, but it is always soo painful. One of the worst things is watching how my mom is with my children. She has zero empathy, doesn't really know how to connect with them. She thinks that buying them things will make them love her, and she buys them really inappropriate things that go against my values (Disney, Barbie, etc). But I don't care that much. I do care that she does hurtful things to them, to me, and to my husband. And my parents are coming for a visit in about 6 weeks, so I'm reading up on BPD and getting into this forum to prepare. My goal has always been to be able to maintain my identity with my mom in the room- it's very hard for me to do. My instinct is to completely cave to whatever she wants and always try to appease her. I start acting like her when she's around. And then it takes me a few days to recover after she has left. At the same time, I really crave seeing her, like I want things to be different, or like I wonder if I'm really imagining it all and it's not as bad as I think it is, and I need to see again because I don't believe these feelings I have.

There is much more, but I've already written too much. Sorry!

[scallops]

Wow... .  you have come a long way... .  and I can understand your nervousness over their visit. This is a great site to start that journey. Education yourself and learning some skills can help you deal with them both.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

This site has bought me so much advise and support... .  You need a support group that you can ask your questions and get some advise... .  you find out that you are not alone and that there are other going through the same thing... .  What is your biggest concerns with her visit? What is worrying you?

[doubleAries]

Hi dani4 and  

Good for you! Good for you for seeing what's going on in spite of being trained not to, and good for you for reaching out to change the dynamic!

You've come to the right place. We have lots of excellent resources available here--videos, articles, workshops, chat groups--to help with that goal. This article should be really helpful for what you are looking for BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

And this article here

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch was literally life changing for me. I think you'll find it quite informative as well.

How long will your mom be visiting you?

doubleAries

[Kindredspirit]

 I'm always hopeful that it will be ok, but it is always soo painful. My goal has always been to be able to maintain my identity with my mom in the room- it's very hard for me to do. My instinct is to completely cave to whatever she wants and always try to appease her. I start acting like her when she's around. And then it takes me a few days to recover after she has left. At the same time, I really crave seeing her, like I want things to be different, or like I wonder if I'm really imagining it all and it's not as bad as I think it is, and I need to see again because I don't believe these feelings I have.

Hi dani4

When you realize that your mom will NEVER change as BPD's rarely do then you can start to let go of "hoping for the mother that you want, but one that she is incapable of being."   It's really hard when you finally come to that realization, as I did with my father who is BPD (w/NPD traits). For fifty years I kept hoping that he would change and one day throw me some bread crumbs but alas that day never came and I finally "GOT IT" when I realized that he was a high functioning BPD (w/NPD traits) and what that really meant.  Every encounter with him was always emotionally painful!  As far as you always appeasing her I believe that is just "trying to keep the peace."  When you have an irrational, unreasonable, illogical person for a parent we do what we know how, and that is our learned survival skills/coping skills of "keeping the peace."  You mention that you start acting like her, perhaps that is just your defense mechanism of trying to protect yourself when someone is slinging mud at you.  And it "IS" always as bad as we "FEEL" because that is the bottom line.  It's how they make us "feel" that matters!  I really recommend reading "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder," you will gain such amazing insight, and someone just recommend the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent."  I too am a few weeks new to this BPD thing as well but I've have found much hope and support here.  Good Luck!  Sorry I tried to do "the quote thing" with your words first and then my response but it didn't come out right.  I'm still figuring how some of this stuff works. 


Kindredspirit

[dani4]

Thank you, everyone, for responding to me! I've been working on my "family issues" for several years now, so it really has taken me a while to figure out what was going on. I actually only started thinking about BPD a year or two ago- ironically because my mother went to therapy to figure out how to deal with my sister (she was living in her house and driving her crazy- but to be honest I'm sure they were driving each other crazy). Anyway the therapist said that it sounded like sis has BPD, possibly in combination with bipolar, but probably not schizophrenia (that's one diagnosis she had). I had previously pegged my mom as NPD after coming across that somewhere on the internet, but she never seemed as bad as the stories I read from other people, so I figured she had "narcisisstic tendencies" but not full blown NPD.

I've been reading both Surviving a Borderline Parent and Stop Walking on Eggshells at the same time, and I'm learning a lot but I know I'll get more out of interaction with those of you who have BTDT.

As far as my parents' upcoming visit, I'm not too too worried. This is going to be the shortest visit we have had from them (8 days, woo woo!) and they are not actually staying in our house- they are renting a condo about a mile away. I guess I'm just generally stressed out about it. I can have a good time with them at times, as long as I don't expect too much. It's just general unpleasantness. Of course my husband did not grow up with them so he recognizes the crazy a lot better than I do, and that's always interesting. The worst thing is when they do something egregious and it doesn't occur to me until about an hour later that I should be angry. I'm still conditioned to think whatever they do to me is fine, and to just pretend it fine and MAKE it fine. It's different with the kids though, I have yelled at my mom for treating my kids badly. I don't let anyone treat them badly, and it also gives me some insight as to what my childhood must have been like. My mom has snapped at my older daughter (now 4) for no good reason, saying "Stop being a baby!" and ":)on't over-react!" when she was doing normal little kid things, not even anythign bad. And I hate that her first instinct is to bribe the kids with sweets whenever things aren't going her way. I've told her we don't do that, and our kids don't need to be bribed- either we can talk them into compliance or they probably won't comply even with a bribe.

[dani4]

Oh one other thing about my journey- where it all began. I really only started to realize how dysfunctional my family is when I separated from my first husband. We had been married about a year and a half, but together for many years before that. Breaking up with him required me to do a big reality check about my life- it was the first time I ever admitted that things were not ok, they were not what they seemed. Facing up to the lie I was living with him opened the door to facing other truths, and the most glaring one was that my family was messed up.

After breaking up with my husband I went into therapy for the third time, but it was the first time that I approached it with real honesty and introspection. That was in early 2006. I read a lot of relationship and healing type books, and one that really resonated with me was Extraordinary Relationships, which is all about family systems theory and is based on the premise that our emotional health is related to the emotional health of the family system where we were raised- no individual's emotional health is an island, you can't treat individuals without working on the family system. I happened to be living in the same city where the person who pioneered that approach did his research and set up a research center- where they saw clinical patients. So I got in with a therapist there for a year and it was really truly wonderful- I learned a lot about my family system, and the most important thing I learned was that in order to heal myself I have to learn to have stronger boundaries with my family of origin and any future family. My therapist was against diagnoses and labels, so it was refreshing that she didn't do the whole "oh your poor sister, you should cut her some slack" thing that my previous therapist did. She said no one is served by being allowed to behave badly, and everyone needs to be accountable to someone (this was the problem we found with my mom- she is accountable to no one and behaves as she wishes, no one ever tells her when she crosses the line and if they try to she cuts them down). But it was limiting in that I think learning about BPD would have been useful. And I also think that my therapist encouraged me to spend time with my family of origin to work on my issues that way... .  but some families are just so toxic and I really needed a break. I actually miss that therapist, I left her when I moved across the country pregnant and newly married, to get away from my parents.

[doubleAries]

I have a pretty similar story. Me and my brothers all knew there was something pretty seriously wrong with our mom, but nothing I read fit. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago when I started seeing a therapist that it all started coming together. I told him a story about my mom, how when I was about 6 years old she told me I had a twin sister but I was so mean I kicked her out of the womb and killed her. This was a bad enough thing to lay on a little kid, but years later as an adult I said something to my father about it and he was like "huh? twin sister? What are you talking about?" come to find out, the entire story was a complete fabrication. My therapist said "hmmm... .  that sounds like BPD" then I was off and running. FINALLY! Something that fit! And like a glove!

Understanding the parameters of what I'd been dealing with has made a huge difference in my life. And to also understand that as kids we learn to cope, adapt to this extreme behavior. We have to. But we take those coping skills into the grown up world with us and then are puzzled about why we attract situations and people that fit so well with our coping skills! 

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

look forward to your first post on this board--keep us posted!

doubleAries