afraid to let go of my anger... it's all I have left of her

[hellnback]

I had a light bulb moment last night. I realized that I am afraid to let go of my anger towards her because it is all I have left to keep my attachment to her. If I let go, then there is nothing left.

I read all these posts on the leaving board and it keeps me in the anger stage, thus, keeping me attached. I just don't want to let go yet.

Bottom line is... .  Angry or not, I still love her.

[Vegasskydiver]

I had a light bulb moment last night. I realized that I am afraid to let go of my anger towards her because it is all I have left to keep my attachment to her. If I let go, then there is nothing left.

I read all these posts on the leaving board and it keeps me in the anger stage, thus, keeping me attached. I just don't want to let go yet.

Bottom line is... .  Angry or not, I still love her.

I am right there with you... .  it is a terrible place to be.  I feel trapped and as much as I am angry, I still love him too... .  that crazy childlike animal that he is... .  

[hellnback]

I've tried to let go many times. Offered many olive branches. I always end up angry. The problem is, it really only hurts me. my kids are effected too. I started reading the Bible (NIV Study Bible) for the first time in my life (12 years catholic education). got to be some answers in there somewhere. Nothing else seems to get me where I want to be. I want forgivness. I need peace

[seeking balance]

I had a light bulb moment last night. I realized that I am afraid to let go of my anger towards her because it is all I have left to keep my attachment to her. If I let go, then there is nothing left.

I read all these posts on the leaving board and it keeps me in the anger stage, thus, keeping me attached. I just don't want to let go yet.

Bottom line is... .  Angry or not, I still love her.

Very, very good insight into your emotional state.

It is ok to still love her.  For me, I hated that I still loved her even as we were divorcing... .  at some point, I gave myself permission to love her and let go.  I was very very sad, but the anger dissolved a lot.  Anger serves a purpose, gives us the space we need to come to terms with using our wise mind in moving forward.

We must accept life now has a new normal - anger keeps us tied to the past.

,

SB

[hellnback]

Man... .  This is very hard. I've been angry for so long. When I start to let it go, sadness overwhelms me.

Reading you post brought tears to my eyes. This is a tough stage.

[seeking balance]

Man... .  This is very hard. I've been angry for so long. When I start to let it go, sadness overwhelms me.

Reading you post brought tears to my eyes. This is a tough stage.

You will be ok - but you are right, this is the real pain.  Let the tears flow - lean in to it... .  the tears will dry eventually and there will be a lightness.  You will know what I mean when you get there.

Very few people give themselves the time in this part of the process, the reward if huge if you let yourself have the time to process.

I promise, you will be ok - and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there!

[tailspin]

hellnback,

Your lightbulb moment was a really good one!  Our anger does tie us to them but it doesn't have to keep us tied.  I think forgiving our partners is important; it's not saying what they did was ok, it's just deciding we aren't going to keep the pain in our hearts anymore.  Forgiveness sets us free.

Forgiving yourself is important too.  Don't be afraid to let go and let the sadness overwhelm you.  It will not consume you.  It will not put you somewhere dark or ugly.  It will take you to a place where you can comfort and console yourself.  It will help you find the core of who you are.  It will help you find your path again and it will light the way for your soul.  Let it be.

Peace to you in your journey,

tailspin

[sunrising]

Wow... .    I never thought of my anger "tying me to her", but what a great point.  I'm a month in with NC, and I just realized anger has been my dominant emotion, by far.   And I'm not generally an angry person... .  I'd even say I tend to not be angry at times when I should.  I have yet to really cry about what has happened and I'm not one of those guys who refuses to cry.   Reading this thread has me hoping I'll break down and cry soon. 

I really appreciate you all sharing these feelings and insights.   Stay strong.   

[broken but not beaten]

Wow sb's words of leaning into it touch a raw nerve,but they are soft and powerful for me. I'm afraid to let myself grieve this I just don't know where it will stop or how low I will go,its like having a dam full of water which are my emotions but I can only process a small trickle at a time

[seeking balance]

Wow... .    I never thought of my anger "tying me to her", but what a great point.  I'm a month in with NC, and I just realized anger has been my dominant emotion, by far.   And I'm not generally an angry person... .  I'd even say I tend to not be angry at times when I should.  I have yet to really cry about what has happened and I'm not one of those guys who refuses to cry.   Reading this thread has me hoping I'll break down and cry soon. 

I really appreciate you all sharing these feelings and insights.   Stay strong.   

Anger does serve a purpose - we can be quite productive during this time actually because we are not having to fully feel the pain (moving out, filing for divorce, getting our life back a bit, ) - but once this burst of energy serves it's purpose - the tears will fall.  

[seeking balance]

Wow sb's words of leaning into it touch a raw nerve,but they are soft and powerful for me. I'm afraid to let myself grieve this I just don't know where it will stop or how low I will go,its like having a dam full of water which are my emotions but I can only process a small trickle at a time

It can be scary to let go like that - but the gift is well worth it.  You are much stronger than you will ever know and the way to see it is to go into that dark place.  It won't last forever... .  and it will change you - there really is a lightness that occurs afterwards.

[WT]

I'm a month into my complete split from my ex-gf, who after more than seven years together decided to to tell me that she fell in love with a guy one weekend and that she was leaving me for him.  The amount of pain and anger that I felt was indescribable.  The sense of betrayal consumed me and it made me question whether our relationship was ever real at all and whether or not she ever really loved me.  I cried basically whenever I was alone during the first week and a few times in the second week.

I did a lot of reading about BPD and the way it shapes the life cycle of a relationship.  I had always done plenty of reading in regards to how it affected the relationship while still together, but I never read about how it eventually ends.  After doing this reading, it became very clear that this was more or less the way that the relationship HAD to end, and that as much as the breakup hurt, my story wasn't unique at all.  I read through articles and forum posts and realized that they pretty much mirrored the end of my relationship.  Everyone's story was more or less the same as mine.  There was pretty much nothing that I could have done to save the relationship.

Once I realized that I did everything that I could, a switch literally flipped in my brain one day that relieved me of the burden of feeling like this was a failed relationship.  Although it did fail, it didn't fail because of me.  It failed because of someone who was detached from the real world, and as much as I wanted to save her from herself while I was in the relationship, I no longer feel the burden of needing to be her knight in shining armor.

My best advice to you is to keep reading up about BPD, both in the form of articles/books and in forums like these.  It'll help you develop a sense of community in knowing that you're not alone.  You'll also get to read everyone else's crazy stories and realize that you've been saved from a lifetime of drama.  I was in your shoes just a few weeks ago so I know exactly how you feel, and I promise it'll get better.  Btw, I'm not sure what genres of music you're into but "Over You" by Daughtry helped me get over the anger phase.  It seems like the perfect BPD breakup anthem to me.