I was 5150'd

[Tigerabbit]

Hi all. So... .  I sort of fell off the grid for a couple weeks. All hell sort of broke loose. I did some really stupid things which sent my dBPDbf into a downward spiral, and I have been so ridden with guilt I can barely handle it. I became very suicidal, more so than I have ever felt. Everything felt surreal. The world seemed distant. I just happened to have an appointment with my T that day, and through tears told her how I was feeling. She ended up calling the police who took me in to be evaluated, and I was held for approx. 48 hours. I never thought I would end up there. This has been the most difficult and strangest experience of my life.

Things have been very up and down with my bf since I got out. He was very kind and comforting to me on the phone while I was there. Then when I got out he sort of flipped and was full of resentment and felt that I was trying to make my problems more important than his (he was also feeling suicidal at the time, and has expressed to me that he is feeling more suicidal than he ever has). Then things went back and forth again a time or two, and then just the other day he told me he was going to move to LA. I pretty much fell apart at the prospect of losing him. I felt like all hope of us salvaging anything was lost. He realized how devastated I was and told me there was no way he was going to go (now I wonder if he ever really intended to or if he just wanted to test me and see what my reaction would be) and spent the rest of the day being EXTREMELY attentive and consoling me, all the while I was feeling like I didn't deserve it. All this while I'm feeling more depressed and hopeless than I ever have, but I forced myself to go to a concert with my friend that we got tickets for a couple months ago. I enjoyed myself there, was able to not think about everything for the time, which was good. He had texted me while I was gone saying I could come over to his place after and sleep there. I still had to study to take a make-up test the next day, and it was already 12:30 am when we got home, so I couldn't. I didn't text him back because I didn't want to wake him up, but because of our existing trust issues he freaked out when he woke up around 3 am and hadn't heard from me and thought that I might have been on a date or that I had been hurt and was very angry that I hadn't responded. He demanded that I not hang out with the friend I went with anymore because she is a bad influence on me (he has other reasons he thinks this which I won't get into) and that I keep my phone on and always answer when he needs to get a hold of me, and that I tell him when I'm going out when I will be back. I wouldn't agree to these things, as I don't see them as being healthy, especially not in the way he demanded them of me. I see them as very controlling and felt if I agreed to them I was doing neither of us a favor and he flew off the handle. I did my best to stay calm and not invalidate him or incite him, and did my best to validate him as well. He threatened to slash my tires, and did in fact come to my house and let the air out of one of them so I ended up having to ride my bike to school the next day to take my test (thank God he didn't actually damage the tire). I said nothing to him about it, and later the next day he asked me to call him ASAP. I did, and he was very calm and asked if I got air back in my tire. We discussed things we are going to do for therapy etc., and he apologized for being a "s*&%$y person" etc. etc., and we agreed that we need some serious space and he said if I love him to ignore him and that he would do the same for me. He texted me today, however, and asked if I wanted to meet him to talk about it, and I impulsively said yes. I immediately realized I shouldn't have done that, but had already agreed to meet him so I did. He verbally barraged me for a bit and dumped his bottle of water all over me, but then things calmed down and we reaffirmed that we won't be talking anymore for quite awhile, and we will be working diligently on working out our individual problems. It is apparent to both of us that if we want any hope of staying in each others' lives in any way that we have to do this.

So... .  as much as I'm heart broken and know I'm going to miss him (crazy as that may sound), I'm really hoping that this is going to be a life changing break for both of us. I'm not sure at this point when we'll be ready to reconvene, or how we'll know, but I have other things to focus on first. I just went to my first support group for people with mental illnesses today (mine being depression and anxiety), and am looking into doing CoDA groups as well. I will also be continuing to see my therapist and go to school, and I just got hired at a new job at a veterinary office so I should be able to afford to see her still. And of course doing my best to not feel overwhelmed at all of this and keep going forward. Anyway... .  I recognize this is pretty lengthy, so thank you if you took the time to read it all! It feels good to get this all off my chest... .  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Surnia]

tigerabbit

what a tough story! 

Working with your T and having a group for your anxiety and also CoDa meetings sounds like a good plan! I think you need a lot of support.

Some things from your bf are really over the line IMHO. The thing with the tire, the bottle of water are violations of your boundaries. So be careful and keep posting.

[Tigerabbit]

Thank you Surnia   

I really appreciate the support (I agree... .  I need a lot of it right now). I also agree that he has been over the line, entirely. Thankfully he at least knows this and feels the same way. In the last conversation we just had today before parting ways, he expressed that I don't deserve many of the things he has done over the years and that he hopes one day I know that.

For now, I'm going to do my best to focus on myself and hope that he is doing the same thing, and that at the minimum we can be in contact/friends down the line, and ideally salvage our relationship and have one that is as healthy and happy as possible.

[yeeter]

Hi Tiger,

Hugs.   

Just wanted to let you know that I did read your post and sent some warm vibes your way.

Pull your support group close (friends, family, T, others).  Those that provide you a sense of being loved and supported.

You are on the right track with this:

we will be working diligently on working out our individual problems. It is apparent to both of us that if we want any hope of staying in each others' lives in any way that we have to do this.

I just went to my first support group for people with mental illnesses today (mine being depression and anxiety), and am looking into doing CoDA groups as well. I will also be continuing to see my therapist and go to school

[laelle]

 

[momtara]

Wow, you sound like an amazing person, to have to be a comfort and a rock for your boyfriend all while trying to deal with your own depression.  I don't know your whole story, but I wanted to give you a ((hug)) and tell you to take comfort in the fact that it is very hard to deal with a BPD partner without it wearing on you.  You are still strong and full of love, and I admire that.  Your bf should too, even when he's angry and can't express it.  Hang in there.

[Tigerabbit]

Thank you all. 

Yeeter - I'm doing my best to do as you said and pull them close. Thanks for the words of encouragement. As much as it's good to hear them from family and friends, it's also good to hear them from someone who I don't feel might feel emotionally obligated to say them... .   

momtara - I really appreciate that. I personally don't feel like I've been a very good rock or comfort for him, despite my efforts and intentions. I am definitely still full of love though, I can say that. He told me the other day that I'm his best friend... .  I think he knows that I put up with a lot (and he has put up with a lot with me, as well). I will hang in there the best I can! I think it was Ben Franklin who said "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on." That's where I'm at!

[Tigerabbit]

Haha, I had to look it up and it was Franklin D. Roosevelt who said that... .  close enough!