50 days NC

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Okay, well I'm in a different place than I was 5 days ago... .  

My ruminations have really decreased lately... .  the present moment is overwhelming after being stuck in my head for the past month and a half.

I would go to sleep fully clothed... .  just out of shear mental exhaustion, and not caring enough to put pjs on take my clothes off?

Trying to work and be a functioning part of society has taken all of my might.

I don't feel the urge to get validation... .  but I am still a bit hyper vigilant and socially paranoid.

I can come off as aggressive when asserting my boundaries.

I've been in therapy 2 times a week... .  and it feels like it's starting to help.

I have also cut contact with my family, because my mother's borderline traits glared at me during the rs breakup and I just couldn't handle the emotional blackmail and abandonment rage my mom was experiencing (during her mom's stay at hospice).

I was simultaneous split black by my mom and BPD, both with a parent dying (my exwBPD's incestual father) and my mom's neglectful mother... .  at the same time.

Was this fate... .  because I have not known a pain so great. While I have been split by my mother a bunch of times... .  well I feel like I have been split black since my childhood. Im bad. Im evil and uncaring. Im selfish... .  well turns out im codependent in relationships with people who are mentally ill... .  what a surprise.

I am so relieved that I don't have to deal with the fakeness and walls that these women put up right now... .  and tortured me with. How they would treat me like i was special, and then like I was a curse. It's so easy to see the patterns... .  this is what I have been ruminating on. They both hated eachother. They both hated any other woman in my life, with a passion. In the end... .  I had my mom talk to her after she relapsed at my house, and it was like this amazing connection... .  I knew it would be.

Even though my mom is higher functioning, it's just easy to see how two women that everybody who doesn't really know them, thinks they are the two sweet generous shy women that they pretend to be. Very polite and lady like... .  but both with their dark secrets.

When I tried to confront my mom on this, she accused me of having an oedipal complex and humiliated me. It's sad that i can't talk about something like this with out my mom shaming me and making herself the center of attention. It's these types of comments that really infuriate me. Because my mom has ruined any joy i had in any relationship I've ever been in. If my mom was not the source of my hapiness, then whatever was was an insult to her and a threat.

I am really back and forth whether my mom is more of a narcissist than a borderline. I really am not sure, but she claims that I was not a loving baby. Which is the strangest thing I have ever heard... .  because mothers are supposed to love the babies, not the other way around. I don't know what she was expecting... .  a furby?

My mom's dream seems to be pulling my cord and she wants I love you, mama to come out and it never did... .  when it came out naturally she didn't want it... .  because she didn't pull the cord.

Kind of reminds me of my exwBPD too... .  I was very vocal and heartfelt with my feelings for my exwBPD and sometimes they were met with mirroring, and sometimes they were met with indifference or disdain. It really seems to have no rhyme or reason now that i think about it... .  what changed between then and now, what can I do to be accepted on a regular basis? To have my feelings validated?

She tried to manipulate me in to telling her... .  "why are you with me, after all I've put you through?" says my exwBPD.

What other response is there to that question?

To have my anger, to have my love validated? I am very validating of other's emotions... .  but I give advice when they don't ask for it and they resent me for that. I suppose these angry children are better off with out me. I better make sure that when I have an angry child, I don't do to him/her what has been done to me.

[stoic83]

Okay, well I'm in a different place than I was 5 days ago... .  

My ruminations have really decreased lately... .  the present moment is overwhelming after being stuck in my head for the past month and a half.

I would go to sleep fully clothed... .  just out of shear mental exhaustion, and not caring enough to put pjs on take my clothes off?

Trying to work and be a functioning part of society has taken all of my might.

I don't feel the urge to get validation... .  but I am still a bit hyper vigilant and socially paranoid.

I can come off as aggressive when asserting my boundaries.

I've been in therapy 2 times a week... .  and it feels like it's starting to help.

I have also cut contact with my family, because my mother's borderline traits glared at me during the rs breakup and I just couldn't handle the emotional blackmail and abandonment rage my mom was experiencing (during her mom's stay at hospice).

I was simultaneous split black by my mom and BPD, both with a parent dying (my exwBPD's incestual father) and my mom's neglectful mother... .  at the same time.

Was this fate... .  because I have not known a pain so great. While I have been split by my mother a bunch of times... .  well I feel like I have been split black since my childhood. Im bad. Im evil and uncaring. Im selfish... .  well turns out im codependent in relationships with people who are mentally ill... .  what a surprise.

I am so relieved that I don't have to deal with the fakeness and walls that these women put up right now... .  and tortured me with. How they would treat me like i was special, and then like I was a curse. It's so easy to see the patterns... .  this is what I have been ruminating on. They both hated eachother. They both hated any other woman in my life, with a passion. In the end... .  I had my mom talk to her after she relapsed at my house, and it was like this amazing connection... .  I knew it would be.

Even though my mom is higher functioning, it's just easy to see how two women that everybody who doesn't really know them, thinks they are the two sweet generous shy women that they pretend to be. Very polite and lady like... .  but both with their dark secrets.

When I tried to confront my mom on this, she accused me of having an oedipal complex and humiliated me. It's sad that i can't talk about something like this with out my mom shaming me and making herself the center of attention. It's these types of comments that really infuriate me. Because my mom has ruined any joy i had in any relationship I've ever been in. If my mom was not the source of my hapiness, then whatever was was an insult to her and a threat.

I am really back and forth whether my mom is more of a narcissist than a borderline. I really am not sure, but she claims that I was not a loving baby. Which is the strangest thing I have ever heard... .  because mothers are supposed to love the babies, not the other way around. I don't know what she was expecting... .  a furby?

My mom's dream seems to be pulling my cord and she wants I love you, mama to come out and it never did... .  when it came out naturally she didn't want it... .  because she didn't pull the cord.

Kind of reminds me of my exwBPD too... .  I was very vocal and heartfelt with my feelings for my exwBPD and sometimes they were met with mirroring, and sometimes they were met with indifference or disdain. It really seems to have no rhyme or reason now that i think about it... .  what changed between then and now, what can I do to be accepted on a regular basis? To have my feelings validated?

She tried to manipulate me in to telling her... .  "why are you with me, after all I've put you through?" says my exwBPD.

What other response is there to that question?

To have my anger, to have my love validated? I am very validating of other's emotions... .  but I give advice when they don't ask for it and they resent me for that. I suppose these angry children are better off with out me. I better make sure that when I have an angry child, I don't do to him/her what has been done to me.

[Suzn]

Okay, well I'm in a different place than I was 5 days ago... .  

My ruminations have really decreased lately... .  the present moment is overwhelming after being stuck in my head for the past month and a half. I would go to sleep fully clothed... .  just out of shear mental exhaustion, and not caring enough to put pjs on take my clothes off?

Trying to work and be a functioning part of society has taken all of my might.

Being in a different place is a good realization. I'm glad you feel your ruminations have decreased. Processing our past can be draining, it's ok to go to bed with your clothes on stoic. What's great is you're getting sleep, a basic necessity during this time.

How they would treat me like i was special, and then like I was a curse. It's so easy to see the patterns... .  this is what I have been ruminating on. They both hated eachother. They both hated any other woman in my life, with a passion. In the end... .  I had my mom talk to her after she relapsed at my house, and it was like this amazing connection... .  I knew it would be.

Fixating on "their" behaviors is common stoic. What helped me was to look at what I'm left with from my past experiences. My anxiety issues and how to deal with those now. I'm not saying we can just simply forget about what happened, that's impossible, memories are there. Once i started to focus more on my own issues, it helped put some space between what happened and what to do now. I started to work on coping strategies that helped me in my life now, as a result, all of my relationships improved over time.

I am really back and forth whether my mom is more of a narcissist than a borderline. I really am not sure, but she claims that I was not a loving baby. Which is the strangest thing I have ever heard... .  because mothers are supposed to love the babies, not the other way around. I don't know what she was expecting... .  a furby?

This is an insightful realization. I understand feeling the need to know an exact diagnosis, however, what matters are the behaviors and how they affected you, and now, how to deal with what you are left with. The hyper vigilance and the social paranoia. How can you work to change your focus from these women back to you and your behaviors today? That is personal inventory. 

I am very validating of other's emotions... .  but I give advice when they don't ask for it and they resent me for that.

This is very observant and a good example of a personal inventory topic. What do you think you could do to continue to be observant of your behaviors?

It's sad that i can't talk about something like this with out my mom shaming me and making herself the center of attention. It's these types of comments that really infuriate me.

My mom's dream seems to be pulling my cord and she wants I love you, mama to come out and it never did... .  when it came out naturally she didn't want it... .  because she didn't pull the cord.

Here is some food for thought stoic... First, this is who she is, she has shown you who she is. (this would apply to either your mother and exBPDgf) Acceptance is a big pill to swallow. You can't change her. This was a big lesson for me. Saying "these types of comments infuriate me" can be a sign of wanting to control the outcome of a conversation that may never take place. Second, what do your expectations look like? You will infuriate "yourself" expecting logical behavior or a logical conversation from a disordered person.   

[stoic83]

Okay. Well I have realized that I give unwanted advice.

I ask for a lot of advice... .  I have hard time just being there for somebody without judging their situation.

I have a hard time letting people make their own mistakes.

I don't want others to repeat my same mistakes and so I try to bring awareness to what I feel is the reality of the situation. I am worried about people getting hurt or injured. I feel like I have to do something about it... .  

When I am extremely worried about someone due to circumstance, I lose my ability to be clearheaded and panic as if I were in extreme danger myself. Whereas, if I were in their shoes and didn't see the harm of what they were doing, or the situation they are in... .  I wouldn't understand my reaction.

I don't say "i love you" when someone tries to get me to say it. I feel if I am coerced in to showing my love for somebody, then it isnt an authentic representation of how I feel. I shouldn't have to tell somebody how I feel about them, when it is obvious... .  to question it, feels insulting. On the other hand, why not just give in if it makes the other person feel good? Why am I so wary of validating their need to hear this? They know that I do... .  what is the point? Is it selfish of me to want to show my love on my own terms? Sometimes I want people to show me love but i don't know how to ask for it. I don't know if I really like it.

Working with my T I can totally see how i have an unconscious aversion to pleasant feelings. That pleasant feelings make me feel really guilty... .  and I tend to avoid them. I feel a lot more comfortable feel sad or angry... .  I feel a lot more comfortable eliciting positive feelings in others.That is really the only thing that makes me feel good come to think of it... .  is eliciting positive feelings in others. What else is there?

[Grey Kitty]

You found lots of good insight already. 

Here is one thing that struck me:

I don't say "i love you" when someone tries to get me to say it. I feel if I am coerced in to showing my love for somebody, then it isnt an authentic representation of how I feel. I shouldn't have to tell somebody how I feel about them, when it is obvious... .  to question it, feels insulting. On the other hand, why not just give in if it makes the other person feel good? Why am I so wary of validating their need to hear this? They know that I do... .  what is the point? Is it selfish of me to want to show my love on my own terms? Sometimes I want people to show me love but i don't know how to ask for it. I don't know if I really like it.

That feeling that you are being coerced is very real, and nobody likes it. I've got two questions about it:

1. Have you (often) felt this way, then look back at the situation later and see that the other person wasn't actually trying to manipulate you, but instead somehow accidentally pushed your button(s) and sent your mind down this path?

2. Knowing that you are in a situation where you feel this way... .  and knowing that the person really does want some validation and love from you... .  Do you think that your actions in response match your values?