Okay, well I'm in a different place than I was 5 days ago... .
My ruminations have really decreased lately... . the present moment is overwhelming after being stuck in my head for the past month and a half.
I would go to sleep fully clothed... . just out of shear mental exhaustion, and not caring enough to put pjs on take my clothes off?
Trying to work and be a functioning part of society has taken all of my might.
I don't feel the urge to get
validation... . but I am still a bit hyper vigilant and socially paranoid.
I can come off as aggressive when asserting my boundaries.
I've been in therapy 2 times a week... . and it feels like it's starting to help.
I have also cut contact with my family, because my mother's borderline traits glared at me during the rs breakup and I just couldn't handle the emotional blackmail and abandonment rage my mom was experiencing (during her mom's stay at hospice).
I was simultaneous split black by my mom and BPD, both with a parent dying (my exwBPD's incestual father) and my mom's neglectful mother... . at the same time.
Was this fate... . because I have not known a pain so great. While I have been split by my mother a bunch of times... . well I feel like I have been split black since my childhood. Im bad. Im evil and uncaring. Im selfish... . well turns out im codependent in relationships with people who are mentally ill... . what a surprise.
I am so relieved that I don't have to deal with the fakeness and walls that these women put up right now... . and tortured me with. How they would treat me like i was special, and then like I was a curse. It's so easy to see the patterns... . this is what I have been ruminating on. They both hated eachother. They both hated any other woman in my life, with a passion. In the end... . I had my mom talk to her after she relapsed at my house, and it was like this amazing connection... . I knew it would be.
Even though my mom is higher functioning, it's just easy to see how two women that everybody who doesn't really know them, thinks they are the two sweet generous shy women that they pretend to be. Very polite and lady like... . but both with their dark secrets.
When I tried to confront my mom on this, she accused me of having an oedipal complex and humiliated me. It's sad that i can't talk about something like this with out my mom shaming me and making herself the center of attention. It's these types of comments that really infuriate me. Because my mom has ruined any joy i had in any relationship I've ever been in. If my mom was not the source of my hapiness, then whatever was was an insult to her and a threat.
I am really back and forth whether my mom is more of a narcissist than a borderline. I really am not sure, but she claims that I was not a loving baby. Which is the strangest thing I have ever heard... . because mothers are supposed to love the babies, not the other way around. I don't know what she was expecting... . a furby?
My mom's dream seems to be pulling my cord and she wants I love you, mama to come out and it never did... . when it came out naturally she didn't want it... . because she didn't pull the cord.
Kind of reminds me of my exwBPD too... . I was very vocal and heartfelt with my feelings for my exwBPD and sometimes they were met with mirroring, and sometimes they were met with indifference or disdain. It really seems to have no rhyme or reason now that i think about it... . what changed between then and now, what can I do to be accepted on a regular basis? To have my feelings validated?
She tried to manipulate me in to telling her... . "why are you with me, after all I've put you through?" says my exwBPD.
What other response is there to that question?
To have my anger, to have my love validated? I am very validating of other's emotions... . but I give advice when they don't ask for it and they resent me for that. I suppose these angry children are better off with out me. I better make sure that when I have an angry child, I don't do to him/her what has been done to me.