Cut the cords? Take a break from the drama and anger...

[Depression = 72% of members]

This was my first post back when I joined and below is a recent post as an update. These are posted under the intro board.

Hi, I am nearly 40 yrs old. I am married with 2 children of my own. When I was in high school my mom was diagnosed with BPD. They were horrible years as a child. She was in and out of therapy and for most of my childhood I couldn't understand what was wrong with my mom. Even upon graduation and entering college I still didn't. I didn't know what BPD was and my parents didn't explain it to me. I recall a time when my father drove my mother to a different state to seek therapy, they returned the same day and it was because "it wasn't a good fit". My father recently told me that was the institutions decision, but wouldn't they have had their ducks in a row before my parents drove all that way? My mother is OCD, BPD, and very controlling. I am amidst reading the book on borderline mothers with the 4 categories... .  So far she is Hermit mixed with Queen. I haven't gotten to the witch one yet. I have another book about walking on eggshells because that it what I am sick of doing.

Last february she showed up at my child's bday party miserable. One of my kids heard her be disrespectful to my father, and that was my breaking point. At the end of february I went to my parents house, even though my dad kept texting me that it wasn't a good time, I went. I was kind and gently with my words. She was harsh. She didn't like hearing me say that I thought she should find joy in her days and that life wasn't this bad, and that I was tired of seeing her treat my father so bad. She shouted in my father's face while pointing her finger I will talk to him however the H I want to, this is MY house. When I pushed more about finding joy in her days and finding something to give her life meaning she got very angry and threw her cup of ice water at my head. It ricocheted off the ceiling light and went everywhere. She shouted at me to leave while being escorted upstairs by my brother.

While my father and I cleaned up the kitchen she came down on the stairs and listened to our conversation, and when I left argued with my Dad about how inappropriate it was. And soo I said she wasn't invited to my other childs bday party coming up the next month and here we are in 2013... .  she didn't come to tgiving, xmas or any other holiday this year. My father wants it different and thinks I am "holding out" or "being stubborn", and "sticking in my heels"... .  He left once for 4 days. It wasn't long enough to make a difference. He lost his job in November which is adding another type of pressure to the situation for them. He brought xmas presents the day after xmas to my kids. Didn't stay long and made sure to mention that the other person from his party wasn't present... .  I think we all knew that.

So I read a few posts here from other people and it was like a mirror... .  Rosegirl's posts are so similar to how I have been living... .  I could write for days about what she had done of her reactions... .  I just want peace. I have had peace, but ironically I still want a mother. I am wondering if I should stop wanting a mother since I am almost 40 and she is 60... .  it seems out of reach. There are so many elements that have contributed to all her issues. Her mom and a history of mental illness on that side of the family. Being sick as a child and left at the hospital at age 2. Her mom and how she dealt with her growing up. Having a son who is special needs... .  oh the list is huge.

When I started therapy last year to deal with this I thought it would give me light at the end of the tunnel, but now as I read the books and read posts here, this seems to be a never ending tunnel... .  is that a correct assumption?

Will my father ever change his ways of dealing with her other than always getting beat up with her rage and words? the last time my kids spent time with them both... .  they asked me why Gramma was so mean to Grandpa all the time... .  

I did meet her a few days before Thanksgiving with her therapist. He was horrible... .  been family Social worker since my brother was young. I think she finds comfort there.  When I brought up certain situations or happening the therapist didn't challenge her or ask her about it. Neither one of them reacted to anything I said. She apologized for the cup throwing but it was cold and seemed forced. When this all started I needed a way to get it out of my head so I started blogging it, I thought may be it would help others? Maybe it would put it to rest in my head. I just needed to get it out. It does help, but I do not always have the time to do it. Also I do not always want to give it life like that either. Today is your present. That is my motto and that is the blog, because I feel that all we have is today. My mother it seems as never felt that way. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. During the day there is much to complain about. People piss her off. She knows best, other peoples ideas are nothing compared to hers. Her life I compare to a swamp. I have decided that I do not want my feet in the swamp any more, so I removed them. For myself and my family.

I hope I can find some kind of refuge here, peace, or support. I have the support of my husband but he is biased because she has treated him like crap for the whole time we have been together. Don't get me wrong though, she shows up for bdays and holidays with nice gifts... .  That is her M.O. LOVES to give presents... .  and I dislike it. There is giving, and then there is too much. She borders on the too much... .  Esp. with the kids. I have said how time is more important but it falls on deaf ears I guess.

Anyways... .  here I am, that was probably a jumbled mess and I apologize if it was... .  "

And posted the other day is this... .  

"Since I am still fairly new here I just thought I would come back to my original post and add to it what has happened and how I have dealt with it. It sure hasn't been fun the past month but it has been less dramatic than if my mother were actually "in my life".

If has been a year this week since I stood up for myself and said enough is enough, I do not have to allow you to treat me this way and I do not have to watch you treat others this way and my children will not be allowed to witness it either. A year seems long and it seems short sometimes.

My daughter birthday kind of marks the year point, because that was the night when my eyes were opened and I realized it was getting worse, then the kids had winter break and My dad wanted to do something with the kids but my mother didn't allow him to. It was a disaster of a week, and then I got my strength and went to their house to tell them I had had enough. Which is detailed in my original post.

So when it was my daughters birthday my father called and said he wanted to take her out to dinner. In the background I hear my mother shouting, par for the course. Nothing new there, and my father was pretending to be happy while she was shouting. Because he said " I would like to take her out to dinner" instead of "we" because my mother would be there. I declined because there has been no attempt since November to reconnect or solve the gap here... .  we met in Nov at her therapist who seemed so shocked at all the scenarios I was presenting that happened, and then never challenged her on then and proceeded to say it seems like it went deeper than he thought.

She sent me a letter this past week, all full of anger accusing me of taking revenge and anger out on her and not being considerate of her feelings by keeping my kids from her. Basically she was yelling at me in this 4 page letter like I was 10 and misbehaving and naughty. The last sentence said, but you are my only daughter who I love and miss. Love mom. ( blah- yuck there was no love feeling at all... .  )

Then I get my father coming to the house unannounced and my kids letting him in while I was at work. He asked them if they wanted to go somewhere this weekend with him. He didn't stay long and was gone by when my husband arrived home. He then sent me an email apologizing for coming over and he knew it was the wrong way to go about it. Called me 4 times the next day while I was working to see if he could take the kids somewhere like he wanted and I said no way, no how. I told him I sent him an email too. The letter from my mother also had information in it that my father and I had discussed about her having this personality disorder and such. He was always in agreeance with me about it but from her letter apparently he threw me under the bus big time. She said she didn't have any kind of problems and wasn't going to seek any other help than the social worker she was seeing and who dare I suggest that. when I emailed my father about saying no to taking the kids somewhere I said I was mad that he broke my trust and threw me under the bus on things that we had talked about and he agreed with me on.

So I am feeling and my gut has been telling me since all of this has happened that I should just cut the cords. Take a leave of absence. Walk away. Because there is always the ability to come back if something positive happens but right now their world seems to be out of control, and my mother thrives on control. My father is still jobless, which means she may have to get a job (never really worked ever... .  ) and they may have to sell their house.

I am still having guilt issues but not as bad. This stuff like angry letters and my father showing up and banging on the door when there are no cars in the driveway, make me physically sick. I was sick for 3 days. I don't want that in my world anymore.

So I am sure you will see me around here more for support. Thanks again for being here."

yep, that's me... .  

[princessbubblegum]

This was my first post back when I joined and below is a recent post as an update. These are posted under the intro board.

Hi, I am nearly 40 yrs old. I am married with 2 children of my own. When I was in high school my mom was diagnosed with BPD. They were horrible years as a child. She was in and out of therapy and for most of my childhood I couldn't understand what was wrong with my mom. Even upon graduation and entering college I still didn't. I didn't know what BPD was and my parents didn't explain it to me. I recall a time when my father drove my mother to a different state to seek therapy, they returned the same day and it was because "it wasn't a good fit". My father recently told me that was the institutions decision, but wouldn't they have had their ducks in a row before my parents drove all that way? My mother is OCD, BPD, and very controlling. I am amidst reading the book on borderline mothers with the 4 categories... .  So far she is Hermit mixed with Queen. I haven't gotten to the witch one yet. I have another book about walking on eggshells because that it what I am sick of doing.

Last february she showed up at my child's bday party miserable. One of my kids heard her be disrespectful to my father, and that was my breaking point. At the end of february I went to my parents house, even though my dad kept texting me that it wasn't a good time, I went. I was kind and gently with my words. She was harsh. She didn't like hearing me say that I thought she should find joy in her days and that life wasn't this bad, and that I was tired of seeing her treat my father so bad. She shouted in my father's face while pointing her finger I will talk to him however the H I want to, this is MY house. When I pushed more about finding joy in her days and finding something to give her life meaning she got very angry and threw her cup of ice water at my head. It ricocheted off the ceiling light and went everywhere. She shouted at me to leave while being escorted upstairs by my brother.

While my father and I cleaned up the kitchen she came down on the stairs and listened to our conversation, and when I left argued with my Dad about how inappropriate it was. And soo I said she wasn't invited to my other childs bday party coming up the next month and here we are in 2013... .  she didn't come to tgiving, xmas or any other holiday this year. My father wants it different and thinks I am "holding out" or "being stubborn", and "sticking in my heels"... .  He left once for 4 days. It wasn't long enough to make a difference. He lost his job in November which is adding another type of pressure to the situation for them. He brought xmas presents the day after xmas to my kids. Didn't stay long and made sure to mention that the other person from his party wasn't present... .  I think we all knew that.

So I read a few posts here from other people and it was like a mirror... .  Rosegirl's posts are so similar to how I have been living... .  I could write for days about what she had done of her reactions... .  I just want peace. I have had peace, but ironically I still want a mother. I am wondering if I should stop wanting a mother since I am almost 40 and she is 60... .  it seems out of reach. There are so many elements that have contributed to all her issues. Her mom and a history of mental illness on that side of the family. Being sick as a child and left at the hospital at age 2. Her mom and how she dealt with her growing up. Having a son who is special needs... .  oh the list is huge.

When I started therapy last year to deal with this I thought it would give me light at the end of the tunnel, but now as I read the books and read posts here, this seems to be a never ending tunnel... .  is that a correct assumption?

Will my father ever change his ways of dealing with her other than always getting beat up with her rage and words? the last time my kids spent time with them both... .  they asked me why Gramma was so mean to Grandpa all the time... .  

I did meet her a few days before Thanksgiving with her therapist. He was horrible... .  been family Social worker since my brother was young. I think she finds comfort there.  When I brought up certain situations or happening the therapist didn't challenge her or ask her about it. Neither one of them reacted to anything I said. She apologized for the cup throwing but it was cold and seemed forced. When this all started I needed a way to get it out of my head so I started blogging it, I thought may be it would help others? Maybe it would put it to rest in my head. I just needed to get it out. It does help, but I do not always have the time to do it. Also I do not always want to give it life like that either. Today is your present. That is my motto and that is the blog, because I feel that all we have is today. My mother it seems as never felt that way. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. During the day there is much to complain about. People piss her off. She knows best, other peoples ideas are nothing compared to hers. Her life I compare to a swamp. I have decided that I do not want my feet in the swamp any more, so I removed them. For myself and my family.

I hope I can find some kind of refuge here, peace, or support. I have the support of my husband but he is biased because she has treated him like crap for the whole time we have been together. Don't get me wrong though, she shows up for bdays and holidays with nice gifts... .  That is her M.O. LOVES to give presents... .  and I dislike it. There is giving, and then there is too much. She borders on the too much... .  Esp. with the kids. I have said how time is more important but it falls on deaf ears I guess.

Anyways... .  here I am, that was probably a jumbled mess and I apologize if it was... .  "

And posted the other day is this... .  

"Since I am still fairly new here I just thought I would come back to my original post and add to it what has happened and how I have dealt with it. It sure hasn't been fun the past month but it has been less dramatic than if my mother were actually "in my life".

If has been a year this week since I stood up for myself and said enough is enough, I do not have to allow you to treat me this way and I do not have to watch you treat others this way and my children will not be allowed to witness it either. A year seems long and it seems short sometimes.

My daughter birthday kind of marks the year point, because that was the night when my eyes were opened and I realized it was getting worse, then the kids had winter break and My dad wanted to do something with the kids but my mother didn't allow him to. It was a disaster of a week, and then I got my strength and went to their house to tell them I had had enough. Which is detailed in my original post.

So when it was my daughters birthday my father called and said he wanted to take her out to dinner. In the background I hear my mother shouting, par for the course. Nothing new there, and my father was pretending to be happy while she was shouting. Because he said " I would like to take her out to dinner" instead of "we" because my mother would be there. I declined because there has been no attempt since November to reconnect or solve the gap here... .  we met in Nov at her therapist who seemed so shocked at all the scenarios I was presenting that happened, and then never challenged her on then and proceeded to say it seems like it went deeper than he thought.

She sent me a letter this past week, all full of anger accusing me of taking revenge and anger out on her and not being considerate of her feelings by keeping my kids from her. Basically she was yelling at me in this 4 page letter like I was 10 and misbehaving and naughty. The last sentence said, but you are my only daughter who I love and miss. Love mom. ( blah- yuck there was no love feeling at all... .  )

Then I get my father coming to the house unannounced and my kids letting him in while I was at work. He asked them if they wanted to go somewhere this weekend with him. He didn't stay long and was gone by when my husband arrived home. He then sent me an email apologizing for coming over and he knew it was the wrong way to go about it. Called me 4 times the next day while I was working to see if he could take the kids somewhere like he wanted and I said no way, no how. I told him I sent him an email too. The letter from my mother also had information in it that my father and I had discussed about her having this personality disorder and such. He was always in agreeance with me about it but from her letter apparently he threw me under the bus big time. She said she didn't have any kind of problems and wasn't going to seek any other help than the social worker she was seeing and who dare I suggest that. when I emailed my father about saying no to taking the kids somewhere I said I was mad that he broke my trust and threw me under the bus on things that we had talked about and he agreed with me on.

So I am feeling and my gut has been telling me since all of this has happened that I should just cut the cords. Take a leave of absence. Walk away. Because there is always the ability to come back if something positive happens but right now their world seems to be out of control, and my mother thrives on control. My father is still jobless, which means she may have to get a job (never really worked ever... .  ) and they may have to sell their house.

I am still having guilt issues but not as bad. This stuff like angry letters and my father showing up and banging on the door when there are no cars in the driveway, make me physically sick. I was sick for 3 days. I don't want that in my world anymore.

So I am sure you will see me around here more for support. Thanks again for being here."

yep, that's me... .  

[ScarletOlive]

Hey there princessbubblegum,

Good to hear from you! Just so you know, you are not alone here. My mom has OCD and BPD too, so I do get it. It's so tough when moms are controlling and the love seems tense. When you get the long letters calling you out and then offering affection at the end, it's good that you can see past the words and know what your truth is. Oh, and you're reading good good books. You should be very proud of yourself for taking so many awesome healthy steps! 

The best thing is to take care of yourself. I don't know if you've seen the Workshop: Boundaries-Living Our Values link, but it is so helpful. What behaviors do you find troubling with your parents? What boundaries can you set up with them to care for yourself?

[GeekyGirl]

Welcome back.   While I can tell from your follow-up post that your mother's letter was very hurtful (and I'd feel the same way), you did something very good for yourself and your kids by starting to set boundaries. ScarletOlive has asked some good questions, and I'm curious to know your answers as well.

Will my father ever change his ways of dealing with her other than always getting beat up with her rage and words? the last time my kids spent time with them both... .  they asked me why Gramma was so mean to Grandpa all the time... .  

My mother it seems as never felt that way. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. During the day there is much to complain about. People piss her off. She knows best, other peoples ideas are nothing compared to hers. Her life I compare to a swamp. I have decided that I do not want my feet in the swamp any more, so I removed them. For myself and my family.

One thing that I've realized when dealing with my BPD mother and enmeshed father is that I have to change my expectations of them, since their behavior won't change. All I can do is honestly look at what kind of relationship we can have, assuming that they won't change, and work on myself to better deal with their behavior. It can be very tough at times and frustrating, but once I learned to let go of the idea that they would change, it's been empowering.

Take a leave of absence. Walk away. Because there is always the ability to come back if something positive happens but right now their world seems to be out of control, and my mother thrives on control.

Sometimes just having a break can really put things in perspective and give you the time and space that you need to build yourself up and learn the tools that can help you when you do go back.

[InaMinorRole]

There are two ways you can make all this easier for yourself in a hurry. First: stop trying to fix her. You won't be able to. She isn't going to become the mother you wish you had. She isn't going to listen to reason. She isn't going to shape up. Second: stay completely away from the relationship your father has with her. If she's mean to him that is his problem to deal with. He's a big boy and he is making his own choices.

You are responsible for your own well being and for that of your children. That's all. Trying to talk it all through with your mom or your dad or both is not being any more effective than throwing it all down a garbage disposal. Just stop talking about it. Let them go their way.

If you don't wish to be with your mother then spend as little time as possible with her and keep the conversation light. The weather, things like that. I do think it's fair for you to allow your dad to spend some time with his grandchildren, possibly at your house or with you present somewhere.

I know it sounds easy when I say it. I'm the queen of boundaries. My HBPD alcoholic mom made me that way. 

[WrongWoman]

There are two ways you can make all this easier for yourself in a hurry. First: stop trying to fix her. You won't be able to. She isn't going to become the mother you wish you had. She isn't going to listen to reason. She isn't going to shape up. Second: stay completely away from the relationship your father has with her. If she's mean to him that is his problem to deal with. He's a big boy and he is making his own choices.

You are responsible for your own well being and for that of your children. That's all. Trying to talk it all through with your mom or your dad or both is not being any more effective than throwing it all down a garbage disposal. Just stop talking about it. Let them go their way.

If you don't wish to be with your mother then spend as little time as possible with her and keep the conversation light. The weather, things like that. I do think it's fair for you to allow your dad to spend some time with his grandchildren, possibly at your house or with you present somewhere.

I know it sounds easy when I say it. I'm the queen of boundaries. My HBPD alcoholic mom made me that way. 

I'm another queen of boundaries, so wholeheartedly agree with all of this.  "Trying" isn't going to be effective.  Keeping it light and low-contact may work for you.  No contact works better for me but I know not everyone wants to go that route.

[princessbubblegum]

Thank you all so very much. Your words were supportive and encouraging. I did let my father know I was angry with the way he went about things and I have just been to a therapy appointment about the letter. If I do respond it was suggested that it could be short and to send the letter back and ask what part she plays in our relationship going bad? And what part is she going to play on getting it back on track. And once she can come up with that I would be willing to meet her at her therapists office again... .  I think that is a fair thing to write seeing as how the letter was all about me and pointing out how thoughtless and angry I am, which I am not. A whole 4 pages about me and what I have done "wrong".

So in my spare time this week, which as of late doesn't seem to be much I think I am going to write that letter and look at the boundary thing that was suggested. The farther I am from all of it though the better I feel.

And yes I do need to deal with the fact that she will never be the mom that I would like her to be and that is very hard. I am starting to back away from my father and that is helping me with the fact that I cannot help him, he needs to help himself. You are all right about that, he is a grown man.

I keep relating it to an abused person and an alcoholic, because that is really kind of how they are. It's a little easier to put it into perspective that way. Either of those people cannot be helped, they have to help themselves.

So the boundary setting is something I know I need to work on and that is my next plan.

Thank to everyone.