You are my everything

[Scott44]

This is what was written on a card I received from my DBPD ex wife only weeks before she moved out and during which time she was devaluing me by putting all of her energies into a new, idealized person.  Seems impossible that she could have meant it but, after reading here, I think she might have meant it in her own way.

[apple]

Yea, I heard and read the same things of the like over a 7 year period and it was all meaningless. My uBPDexw recycled me and within a week went from looking at rings and a place for us to get remarried to the polar opposite and not wanting the relationship.

Don't get hung up on the words as they're from a child that is incapable of seeing outside themselves and is incapable of real love.

Their love is just like a child's love which is based on NEED. When you the non are no longer meeting their NEEDS then that person will be discarded. That is why so many say I could never give or do enough... .  It's all about them and you the non fulfilling their NEED, whatever that need happens to be at certain points in time.

[broken but not beaten]

I recall nursing my ex gf uBPD new year day,I remember her words "don't leave me",we discussed marriage and dresses and her D13 was involved in these conversations,3 wks later my time was up,lots of pushing and pulling and she wanted to take a 'break'. I'd been there few months prior and she went off with another guy. I asked her to make a decision as to what she wanted as I didn't want to repeat the past. I was told I didn't give her enough time,accused of ringing other women and raged at in work. To seal my fate I messaged her I knew what she was and I was getting off the roller coaster... .  result,game over but still hurts and feels like my heart shattered into a million pieces,so many highs and lows and so many unanswered questions

[just me.]

I have a beautiful heart-wrenching letter that mine gave me just days before it was over.  It went on and on about adoring me more than she ever thought possible, about wanting nothing more than to grow old with me, about not wanting to be away from me for even a second, about wanting to hide in the corner of every room in all of her life unless I am there to hold her hand and help her face it.  And much more.

Several days later... .  it was over.  No fight... .  no real explanation.  It was just over... .  and "had been for a long time!"

That's the nature of the struggle we face here.  It's coming to terms with the fact that they probably did mean all of those kind words (at least they thought they did)... .  but that they still weren't real.  By caring for them, we were all in the same swirling tornado of a world that they were.  It's quite an adjustment to suddenly start seeing that mesmerizing and awful tornado from the outside.  To see that it goes right on spinning without us.

[mosaicbird]

It's quite an adjustment to suddenly start seeing that mesmerizing and awful tornado from the outside.  To see that it goes right on spinning without us.

What a beautiful and painful way to put it. So true. I don't really want to be anybody's raison d'être, as she called me. The pressure is unbearable and I could never stand up to it... .  but in this outside world, I feel so bereft.

[apple]

I have a beautiful heart-wrenching letter that mine gave me just days before it was over.  It went on and on about adoring me more than she ever thought possible, about wanting nothing more than to grow old with me, about not wanting to be away from me for even a second, about wanting to hide in the corner of every room in all of her life unless I am there to hold her hand and help her face it.  And much more.

Several days later... .  it was over.  No fight... .  no real explanation.  It was just over... .  and "had been for a long time!"

That's the nature of the struggle we face here.  It's coming to terms with the fact that they probably did mean all of those kind words (at least they thought they did)... .  but that they still weren't real.  By caring for them, we were all in the same swirling tornado of a world that they were.  It's quite an adjustment to suddenly start seeing that mesmerizing and awful tornado from the outside.  To see that it goes right on spinning without us.

I can relate, My unBPDexw had posted on FB what a wonderful husband I was about a week or so before she filed for the divorce ?  Meaningless words of an emotionally sick child that lives in fantasy.

[glacier_glider]

That's the game.

We've enjoyed the first part.

And we've suffered through the rest.

Now it's time for something new in life.

In the four years with her I've aged enormously. I look older than my age now and before I met her looked younger. So what? I still attract women. People in general.

I am ready for the next game, even if it's BPD. Even if I die next time.

The worst I can do is stay in the game that is over.

It's over, time for something new in life.

[GreenMango]

This is what was written on a card I received from my DBPD ex wife only weeks before she moved out and during which time she was devaluing me by putting all of her energies into a new, idealized person.  Seems impossible that she could have meant it but, after reading here, I think she might have meant it in her own way.

You know this illness.  It's fickle.  She meant it and then meant something else.

What's the plan forward?

[almost789]

Very true Just me.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

On Saturday we were together discussing names for our child we wanted to go for.

On Tuesday she dumped me saying she couldn't trust me anymore and on Wednesday the r/s was over.

Still don't really understand how a person can switch so quickly between all and nothing... .  and put the blame on me for all her fears and insecurities... .  

[trevjim]

our song was 'everything' by lifehouse, our engagment ring is engraved with the word 'everything' reminds me, still need to see it actually grrr

[maria1]

'I would die for you' 'You complete me' 'You, my son and my mother, nobody else' At the same time he was looking for a replacement. He had to. I could even see it in his face as he pushed me away he tried desperately to hold onto me. He was just as confused as me!

It's the disorder. As soon as it becomes that much they have to pull back. Remember this an attachment disorder which revolves around intimacy.

Pull/push

engulf/ abandon

closeness/ RUN

It's an impossible paradox but the closer we got the worse they were triggered. Doesn't mean she didn't mean it. Does mean she is incapable of doing it because she is disordered.

Read up on engulfment fear- it helped me understand. 

[almost789]

I love that song. I was 'part of him' he could never do that to me. (this coming after I thought he dumped me the first time by dropping of the face of the earth for 2 weeks)  If he asked God to make him a woman, it would be me. Blah! How many did he say that too? This is what I wonder now, do they say all this stuff to everyone?

[BeHappyAgain]

Nice thread, got a feeling it will run a  while... .   

'Your my other half, Your my soul mate, i love you so much'

These and much more (no physical contact mind you), right up to a the day me (or something) triggered her.

Then a 3day complete sea change in character.

I'd seen it before - this was my 5th/6th (?) recyle over a four year rs

including an engagement and engagement party.

Well the engagement lasted a (sexless) 12 months.

Dumped abruptly right after Christmas dinner.

I didn't hang about, even tho I had partially moved in, I was outa there in 10 minutes flat.

I did ask her;

(Q) Why she'd yes to marriage

(A) "Because I wanted to be married"

and

(Q) Why the h*** she had continued to text (never say) this lovey dovey stuff to me.

(A) "Because I knew this was coming"

Both nonsense answers. Looking for sense with these people is like looking for fish up a tree.

[maria1]

Codependents (no offence to anyone but I prefer it to non!) see fish trees everywhere until we put different eyes in!

[TheDude]

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the infamous nonsensical break up line... .  

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

Of course, that's not a "PD" specific thing, unless you count the 'My Ex Must Be Crazy To Dump Me Personality Disorder'. 

[Discarded26]

You are nothing.

That is more fitting

[maria1]

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the infamous nonsensical break up line... .  

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

Of course, that's not a "PD" specific thing, unless you count the 'My Ex Must Be Crazy To Dump Me Personality Disorder'. 

I've been searching so long for my own diagnosis! Nice one Thedude 

[almost789]

I love you so much, I just want to be close to you, I want to have you for years to come... .  and on and on. I actually think they do mean this stuff, but sadly soon as they feel this way, it's time to cut and run because they are dying from their BPD issues.

[wanttoknowmore]

Scott44,

Its so interesting to read that your BPD gf said... "you are everything."  My BPD gf used to sing in first few months of our r/s  "you are everything and everything is you" I found out its a old song

from 70s. She plays piano and sings.  Also, you are "my BFF"(boyfriend forever)  ,you are the "my one and only" etc. Isnt it hilarious that even thewords and phrases are similar in honeymoon phase.

[Discarded26]

Scott44,

Its so interesting to read that your BPD gf said... "you are everything."  My BPD gf used to sing in first few months of our r/s  "you are everything and everything is you" I found out its a old song

from 70s. She plays piano and sings.  Also, you are "my BFF"(boyfriend forever)  ,you are the "my one and only" etc. Isnt it hilarious that even thewords and phrases are similar in honeymoon phase.

We were just WHAT THEY NEEDED at the time

Think that's what I'm trying to wrap around in my head

[Scott44]

She gave me a little fridge magnet that said, "I made a wish and you came true."

[Vegasskydiver]

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the infamous nonsensical break up line... .  

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

Of course, that's not a "PD" specific thing, unless you count the 'My Ex Must Be Crazy To Dump Me Personality Disorder'. 

Yes, that is the line that I heard... .  then when he recycled me it was... .  "you know I never stopped loving you and wanting you... .  ",  then the very same words... .  "I love you but I am not in love with you... .  " when it abrubtly ended again a month ago... .  that was days after him pouring his heart out, saying ... .  "I have never had so much love and chemistry with another woman... .  "... .  I don't get it, I just don't get it.  How can they do this?

I absolutely will never allow myself to be recycled again.  Now that I know so much about this disorder.  I still can't help that sick feeling in my stomach when I go over the past three years of my life with this very unhealthy person, who I thought was my last first date.

[Discarded26]

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the infamous nonsensical break up line... .  

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

Of course, that's not a "PD" specific thing, unless you count the 'My Ex Must Be Crazy To Dump Me Personality Disorder'. 

Yes, that is the line that I heard... .  then when he recycled me it was... .  "you know I never stopped loving you and wanting you... .  ",  then the very same words... .  "I love you but I am not in love with you... .  " when it abrubtly ended again a month ago... .  that was days after him pouring his heart out, saying ... .  "I have never had so much love and chemistry with another woman... .  "... .  I don't get it, I just don't get it.  How can they do this?

I absolutely will never allow myself to be recycled again.  Now that I know so much about this disorder.  I still can't help that sick feeling in my stomach when I go over the past three years of my life with this very unhealthy person, who I thought was my last first date.

Just meaningless words sadly

We all want to believe some of what they said was 'real'

But how can it? Maybe was real to them in there head at that time. But isn't real anymore

[blecker]

We all want to believe some of what they said was 'real'

But how can it? Maybe was real to them in there head at that time. But isn't real anymore

As time goes by I sit and ponder just how sick I really was.

I was like a 16 year old in a used car lot eyeing this sparkly muscle car with wide tires and deeply polished chrome wheels. Walking around it over and over looking at the gleaming surface and imagining just how cool I will look driving down the street in this testiment of absolute growling awe.

The salesman tells me the 155,000 miles was driven by an older man in no rush to get anywhere, on the highway and only at dusk. It was always garaged, never exposed to salt, sea or the barage of noon sun. The oil was changed every 1000 miles because the older man loved to crawl under such a beautiful piece of metal. The brakes are newer, kinda and the tires are really fine at 30,000 miles, have plenty of tread and not to worry. The transmission slips a little but that is to be expected when so much torque is pushing the drive train. Not to worry. It leaks a little oil but it's a small gasket leak and easy to repair if you were so inclined but keeping a quart of oil or two in the trunk ain't so bad. And the little bit of dark blue smoke it expells is just from all that bad gass with that corn crap they put in it. Not to worry. And just look at that wax job. Just so pretty and sparkly. You will look so finnnnnnne in this baby!

Hook, line and sinker.

I bought it and loved it for all its incredible problems. I mean it was mine and it was so damn pretty.

I'll just fix it, make it right, make it new, make it perfect.

Yep, I will.

[PrettyPlease]

I'll just fix it, make it right, make it new, make it perfect.

Yep, I will.

   Great, blecker, thanks, nice way to start the day, with a good laugh. 

@just me

we were all in the same swirling tornado of a world that they were.  It's quite an adjustment to suddenly start seeing that mesmerizing and awful tornado from the outside.  To see that it goes right on spinning without us.

Nice metaphor. And maybe works in another way -- my uBPDxgf used to use the term "the blender" to refer to what would happen inside her own head when she got triggered, as if a tornado-like thing was happening in her own thoughts. When the emotions rise and there's lack of object constancy, maybe the whirl of their so-called internal logic actually operates like a tornado or blender, a kind of spiralling... .  

@Discarded26

Just meaningless words sadly

We all want to believe some of what they said was 'real'

But how can it? Maybe was real to them in there head at that time. But isn't real anymore

I think their words are usually real and meaningful to them when they utter them, but not in the way most people would understand 'meaning'. Maybe what they do is a form of sophistry; it's an opportunistic use of words. They need to soothe and change an emotional state -- their own and possibly yours if they're afraid of yours -- and that's a real-time action in the present that has little to do with long-term promises, meaning, consistency over time.

PP

[sunrising]

"I want US, FOREVER"

I don't have to ask myself if those words were "real".   All I have to do is look up the definition of "forever" and I know they weren't. I suppose there could be some value in contemplating whether my exwBPD "meant" these things when she said them, but not really.  What's important is that I know she's incapable off doing forever and if I want that, I have to do it with someone else.

[gettingoverit]

So we have clearly established that the words of affection, the declarations of undying love were all crap. They seem to have this knack for saying the same worn out movie lines, the same song lyrics complete with rainbows, sunshine and fairy dust. How does rehashing all the lovely things they once said to us (but clearly didn't mean) help us? Again lets focus on what happened AFTER the words became silent. Chances are it wasn't very good. That is what helps us unravel BPD and gives us more understanding. It's craziness from the word go... .  we just had no idea that we had boarded the crazy train. Now we're off, we should focus more on which train we're getting on now and where it's taking us. Just saying... .  

[mango_flower]

I believe she meant it at the time.  I believe she truly wanted it at the time, and I also feel she was in such a good place that she believed she could have it, for the first time in her life.

Unfortunately, life got in the way and things went wrong. Instead of working on it, she ran to start afresh, with somebody new, her new "perfect".

And yesterday's facebook status (directed at her new girl) was something about "I love you to the deepest depths and the highest heights that my soul can ever reach",  URGH.

So yeah - that hardens my heart just a little bit.

[trevjim]

I believe she meant it at the time.  I believe she truly wanted it at the time, and I also feel she was in such a good place that she believed she could have it, for the first time in her life.

Unfortunately, life got in the way and things went wrong. Instead of working on it, she ran to start afresh, with somebody new, her new "perfect".

And yesterday's facebook status (directed at her new girl) was something about "I love you to the deepest depths and the highest heights that my soul can ever reach",  URGH.

So yeah - that hardens my heart just a little bit.

Ye I do believe some of the pwBPD do mean and feel what they say, just when there is a hard patch in the relationship, they don't want to face it.