Does anybody else feels this?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi,

I´m a difficult person in the sense that I feel different from everybody else. I just can´t find people who are at the same time open minded, and with some stable and conservative values, and serious but with a sense of humour, etc. What I mean, is that I really am different from the majority of people I find, and I feel really bored in most of the social contexts, groups, etc... My ex (for about a month) uBPDgf felt to me like really connected with at least a great part of me, she also was bored in the majority of social contexts, she also likes to look at life with an artistic, spiritual, sense, she also doesn´t like to simply go out, get drunk, and talk about sports or politics or shopping, etc... .  

Is this also a common pattern with BPDs, to have this attitude towards life, more sensitive, alive and interesting, not being one more sheep of the herd? Sorry, don´t mean to be arrogant, just trying to picture the feeling and get help across this pain of losing not only the girl I love, but also the best companion I´ve found for years.

[whatathing]

Hi,

I´m a difficult person in the sense that I feel different from everybody else. I just can´t find people who are at the same time open minded, and with some stable and conservative values, and serious but with a sense of humour, etc. What I mean, is that I really am different from the majority of people I find, and I feel really bored in most of the social contexts, groups, etc... My ex (for about a month) uBPDgf felt to me like really connected with at least a great part of me, she also was bored in the majority of social contexts, she also likes to look at life with an artistic, spiritual, sense, she also doesn´t like to simply go out, get drunk, and talk about sports or politics or shopping, etc... .  

Is this also a common pattern with BPDs, to have this attitude towards life, more sensitive, alive and interesting, not being one more sheep of the herd? Sorry, don´t mean to be arrogant, just trying to picture the feeling and get help across this pain of losing not only the girl I love, but also the best companion I´ve found for years.

[trevjim]

yep i did! although i love my mates, myself and my ex used to do the things that WE both want to do in life and i loved it and i believed she did too.

Trouble is, it was all (perhaps mostly) mirroring

[goldylamont]

i think it's important to know that there are many other people just like you, that share your beliefs and values. the only real way to find these people though are to do the things that you are passionate about, or just interested in if you're not passionate about it. if there's no one where you are that's interested in the same things then you may need to move to a better place where others share your views. it's normal to feel different, and while everyone unique i think we can find quality friends by listening to our instincts about what we should be doing. hope this helps!

[almost789]

Damn that mirroring Trevjim, but I think your right. We were ' perfect' for

Each other. And it was all about mirroring? My pw with BPD wasnt even who I thought he was? He's someone else with someone new? Who is he really?

[MakeItHappen]

I feel much like you.

Thing I've paid attention to is, I'm not sure what was a lie and was real.

Finding closure on that is an interesting process.

[Discarded26]

I feel much like you.

Thing I've paid attention to is, I'm not sure what was a lie and was real.

Finding closure on that is an interesting process.

I don't think were ever know that one 

[MakeItHappen]

I feel much like you.

Thing I've paid attention to is, I'm not sure what was a lie and was real.

Finding closure on that is an interesting process.

I don't think were ever know that one 

Ain't that the truth. Let's all stay strong.

[whatathing]

Thank you everyone, it really helps to know I´m not the only one feeling this, although the possibility of it all being just mirrored by her is difficult. I also don´t know where the mirroring started or ended. When she got confused and started to paint me black, it was herself who said "maybe I was just being like you". But I know that a part of it wasn´t mirroring, because before she met me she already was a painter, scientist mind, spiritual, etc., and these are all things that I like. But maybe when she starts to relate, she just can´t continue have her perspectives and becomes dependent, I don´t know.

goldylamont, you´re absolutely right, thank you for your great advice.

[goldylamont]

awe, thanks, glad that it helped. for the record... .  i feel you about some of the mirroring stuff--mirroring comes up a lot in these discussions but i feel this was less of an issue with my ex? perhaps i'm overlooking something, but we were already alike in a lot of ways and different in a lot of ways long before we started dating. i don't feel like we melted into each other or that she started mirroring my aspects. but, i do feel that she had trouble taking initiative and doing things she liked, and i would then get blamed for not supplying the excitement. i dunno how many times she'd be unsatisfied, i could come up with 4 things to do, she'd reject them all but wouldn't be able to offer any suggestions otherwise of things to do. i think, because nothing really could have made her happy at that point... .  

[mango_flower]

Slightly different for me, in that yes, I feel a bit different (in many of the ways you said, Whatathing!)

But she just loved and accepted me for who I am.

Yes there was a bit of mirroring, I think, but not so much my hobbies and beliefs, just in that she kind of just slotted in beside me and was happy to go along with what I did, even if it wasn't her thing.

I guess that's why I miss her so much and I am so sad she left - maybe it's not cos she was perfect for me (as I thought) but cos she just accepted me.  And it's hard for me to find people on the same wavelength to want to date. I feel she was my only fit! 

Really interesting question!

[pallavirajsinghani]

... .  but of course my dear friends, there is nothing called a herd.  You are only meeting with individuals who are meeting in a mutually shared event with a mutually tacit social understanding that they will show only certain facets of themselves.

Every tree in a forest is different.

Every leaf, every branch of the tree is different.

No single blade of grass is the same as the other.

No person is even physically same as any other in the world, let alone mentally and emotionally.

We are individuals who live in shared environments.  So when we share certain languages, cultural norms, social and economic strata, we choose to communicate using that shared set of symbols.  Sharing the same set of symbols (phrases, words, traditions, culture, country, era, age group, clothing patterns), does not mean that we are the same.

We human beings have similar traits and similar patterns... .  apart from the biological instincts (food, shelter etc.) we are not the same. 

Similar, not identical.

What you are talking about is a sensation of not belonging.  Of not being comfortable in the shared environment.  It may mean one of the following things:

1)  You are not comfortable in that particular environment because you'd rather be in another type of shared environment.  (For instance, I'd enjoy an academic conference more than I would enjoy a motorcycle group meet)

2)  Or, you have some social anxiety in general and would rather be in a more "controlled" environment for instance, a party in your own home or no more than x number of people and only certain things served in a certain way etc.

In order for an ego to be fulfilled in a healthy way, adjustment to both one's individual facets as well as a natural need for companionship/socialization is needed.  This is a skill that is developed as the ego evolves from the self-centeredness of an infant to greater awareness of a child to even greater social adaptability as a mature adult.

Be careful... .  "I am different from others" feeling can be carried to an unhealthy extent as in "us against the world" mentality.

God bless.

[goldylamont]

i'm sure you can find another good fit mango. you have good qualities which attracted this person to you in the first place. we have to understand the past, learn from the mistakes but perhaps not discredit everything. there's some genuine-ness in someone doing things you like, sharing that with you. i'm in a more healthy relationship now and my girl enjoys doing things i like and learning about them, and i balance it out and do things more to her liking too. give and take and learn along the way. i'm quite sure there's a lovely gal out there that wants to give and take with you bro

[whatathing]

goldylamont and mango, it was very similar with me and my ex. Not completely mirroring, I remember she had many sides of her that were very exclusive, and some of them we weren´t tuned in, and we talked about it and accepted it. But it happened a lot what you said goldylamont: sometimes we went to some place, she was totally bored, but couldn´t get out of her what she´d really want to do, and I think that added much to her feeling of something being wrong: she wasn´t able to put in our shared "space" something of herself, her needs and wishes, and then felt bored or with a feeling that something didn´t work. I think this has much to do not only with a lack of a sense of self, but also with a mix of Dependent PD with BPD... .  anyway, it´s a serious obstacle to a healthy relationship, I felt I had to guess what she´d like to do, with very little access to signs and clues about it and what was going on inside her. It felt like I was dancing alone. But it´s sad also, because I feel that she really tried to make it work with me.

pallavirajsinghani, thank you for your words, I agree with you in most of it. I think that what happened with me is that I didn´t socialize enough at some young age, and so, naturally didn´t adopt a specific shared environment. And I also believe that the degree in which we join and adopt the collective language and tools varies much from place to place, there are more collective societies, more individualistic ones, and there are more diverse environments, and more homogenous ones. Either way, I got somehow cornered into an "outliar" position, I don´t fit the way most people do. But I agree with you that this is dangerous and that relating and building bridges across different tacit understandings is essencial. It just takes greater effort for me, because the distance is higher than average and I get tired of building those bridges.

It´s really good to have all your feedback, thank you!