I'm struggling with me

[seeking balance]

I can only forgive myself if I understand that my choices were what I thought best at that time.  And learn from the mistakes.

Is that what you are doing now?

[Scott44]

seeking balance

Yes, I can honestly say that I am at that point.

[seeking balance]

seeking balance

Yes, I can honestly say that I am at that point.

so, is there anything else you want to process with this thread?

Perhaps in the future, take this to personal inventory and start with your emotional state... .  sometimes we use these boards to self-soothe which it seems you are doing at the moment.

[Scott44]

seeking balance

There really isn't anything else to process with this thread.  The advice to go with topics like this to personal inventory and to start with my emotional state is good advice.

Thanks,

Scott

[Scott44]

I am upset and concerned to read in her divorce papers that she said she would kill herself if she stayed with me any longer.  In the past it was always her mom making her suicidal, or her brother, or her dad, or a colleague in a civic organization, or her T, etc. etc.  I was the one who saved her from wanting to commit suicide.  She always said she would be dead without me.  This is making me feel like I am no better than the other people who drove her to the edge.  I'm concerned about my self.  It appears that I have enough flaws to cause someone close to me to feel suicidal.  

[turtle]

I am upset and concerned to read in her divorce papers that she said she would kill herself if she stayed with me any longer.  In the past it was always her mom making her suicidal, or her brother, or her dad, or a colleague in a civic organization, or her T, etc. etc.  I was the one who saved her from wanting to commit suicide.  She always said she would be dead without me.  This is making me feel like I am no better than the other people who drove her to the edge.  I'm concerned about my self.  It appears that I have enough flaws to cause someone close to me to feel suicidal. 

I don't know, Scott44... .  your Savior Complex seems in high gear in your description of yourself here.

Maybe you DO have enough flaws to cause someone close to you to feel suicidal.  You are trained in psychiatry.  If you examine yourself as objectively as possible, do you think this is true?

The other side of that is that this girl was not well.  Period.  When I read how you have described her in other threads, it is clear that she is not sound, not well, not rational, violent, abusive, hurts animals, and so forth.  It also sounds to me from your other threads that she isn't interested in changing her life or her destructive ways.

Sounds to me as if it was a bad combo.  You wanting to save someone that didn't want to be saved, doesn't make for a successful outcome!

How can you move forward with your life and exit from the Savior role?

turtle

[Scott44]

hi turtle,

It appears she becomes suicidal over anyone she spends any length of time around.  Maybe it is a testament to my good qualities that she has taken so long before seeing me in that dark role.  It is hurtful though. 

The Savior role is quite ingrained so I would say an exit from this role will take a lot of conscious effort.

[turtle]

hi turtle,

It appears she becomes suicidal over anyone she spends any length of time around.  Maybe it is a testament to my good qualities that she has taken so long before seeing me in that dark role.  It is hurtful though. 

The Savior role is quite ingrained so I would say an exit from this role will take a lot of conscious effort.

It is exactly right that she becomes suicidal over anyone and everyone.  Her suicide choices aren't about you. 

Crazyx used to threaten suicide all the time.  I always thought it was about me.  I always thought I could prevent it.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

And... .  your good qualities don't have anything to do with her choice not to pull this card earlier either.

So ... .  what steps can you take to work on your Savior Complex?  How can you apply "conscious effort" to changing this pattern?

turtle

[Scott44]

I can start with friends and family, making sure I'm not playing that role in those circles.  And in my next relationship, I shall chose someone not in need of saving.

[arabella]

It sounds like everything is a cause for suicide for your ex. Really, you need to detach and not take this personally. This woman is incredibly ill and her suicide threats (although this isn't even a threat so much as it's just attention-seeking drama) are a default and her way of 'coping'. It's not you - it's her.

[catsprt]

The mention of suicide is a serious accusation and I can understand how deeply hurt you may feel. Unless her accusations are supported by a written psychiatric assessment it is a matter between you and your conscience. I assume that your conscience is clear and you need to get more acquainted with the idea that you have no control on her behavior... .  Take care

[GustheDog]

I am upset and concerned to read in her divorce papers that she said she would kill herself if she stayed with me any longer.  In the past it was always her mom making her suicidal, or her brother, or her dad, or a colleague in a civic organization, or her T, etc. etc.  I was the one who saved her from wanting to commit suicide.  She always said she would be dead without me.  This is making me feel like I am no better than the other people who drove her to the edge.  I'm concerned about my self.  It appears that I have enough flaws to cause someone close to me to feel suicidal. 

Scott, my ex never spoke of suicide.  But she did diminish, complain about, claim victimization by, and generally verbally assassinate every member of her family, every previous romantic partner, every one-time close friend, and sometimes strangers in line for coffee, given the wrong look or gesture or throat-clear at the wrong time.

I saved her from all such villains, of course.  Until, eventually, it was my turn to assume the role of persecutor.

Yes, of course it's an awful, hellish thing to endure.  But I'm not surprised anymore.  Nor am I concerned that my own potential flaws are the cause of it.

You've been here for a while.  You've learned about the disorder.  Why do you think you're still blaming yourself for her disordered feelings?

[P.F.Change]

 It appears that I have enough flaws to cause someone close to me to feel suicidal.  

Hmm... .  What if other people's choices have nothing to do with whether you are "good enough?"

It's no one else's fault when she feels suicidal, though she may see it otherwise. People with BPD project and shift blame so that they can avoid facing their own selves.

The way I see it, it is  awfully conceited of you to think you are important enough to determine what happens to someone else. You think her threatening suicide is dependent on you--your "flaws" made her feel that way; you think your "good qualities" are responsible for her painting you white. Why do you need to see yourself as controlling other people?

This is another c/d trait. I think it will be helpful for you to keep working with your T on that.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Scott44]

Thank you all for your suggestions and advice.  I will put them into paractice.