BPD men-- How do they display traits differently?

[Themis]

I am confused by a lot of the information online.

As I said in my intro post, lots of online info is filled with anger; and a lot of it is about cheating, erratic BPD women in the extreme categories and worst case scenarios. Lots of negative stigma, and it wasn't helpful to me trying to find positive help.

Then there's the fact that men are trained to behave differently in society to women.

With my man, one of the things that started my denial about him having BPD, was that he didn't have that need for friends. He doesn't show the fear of abandonment in an obvious way, and pretends he doesn't really need anyone.

Is this real or is this a common defence?

How can I spot his needs, and read between the lines?

Does anyone out there have a lot of experience with a BPD male/s and how they present compared to females?

Thank you very much in advance. :-)

[Take2]

I have been involved with a man with BPD for three years now. Undiagnosed.

He doesn't appear to fear abandonment but he does cut people out of his life and will refuse to ever speak to them again.  He learned that trick from his parents.  They cut out both sets of grandparents completely.

He sees things in black and white. He is paranoid about everyone.

Despite his initial claims to me of not being emotional know he truly is inside.

He DOES fear abandonment but cannot allow himself to show weakness.  Ever.

He is probably one of the smartest and sharpest people I know.

He is a MASTER manipulator.

If you are seeking ways to understand where your is coming from the tools here do work the same way.  I don't think that is exclusive to men or women.

But men are raised differently like you said so this disorder does manifest differently.

But yet I seem to have gone thru all of the same irrational trauma that men have with their wives.  Its pretty brutal ...

[123Phoebe]

Hi Themis

Your guy sounds similar to the guy I'm seeing.  He's very independent and high functioning, has a great job, not a lot of friends, but some, and appears to have it all together most of the time.  I'm sure that most people wouldn't have a clue what lurks just below the surface.

What seems to rile him up is the natural progression of things.  He stops it dead in its tracks.  Like we'll be going along, A B C D E F... .  -A ~~he'll take it backwards to just below A, if that makes sense.  He needs a lot of space and freedom.  Then he'll kinda woo me all over again.

I don't play into it though and that has changed the dynamic.  He can have his space, no biggie.  He comes back around in no time.  I treat him and the relationship with the respect they're worthy of.  We've come this far so there are certain expectations.  I don't get in his business about what I think the problem is (BPD), I do my own thing and tend to my own business, but when there are certain things that are important to me I let them be known, in a nice way of course   When he knows that something really means a lot to me personally, he'll step right up; he'll think of things to do for me just to be nice   He's a wonderful person!  He just has a nasty disorder that I can't do a damn thing about except accept it and accept him...

How can I spot his needs, and read between the lines?

The best thing you can do is recognize your own needs and tend to them.  Take the focus off of him and put it on yourself.  When you do this you become valuable, someone worth noticing.  And if you're still really wondering what his needs are, ask him!  If he becomes emotional (like whoa, too close for comfort here... .  ), you'll know that one of his needs is emotional space, then you can validate that.

Read all you can and absorb it.  Take it all in and practice.  These things take time and there will be blips along the way.  Don't let the blips take you down.  Take him seriously, but don't make everything a super serious crisis to your own emotional wellbeing.  Take care of you and a lot of the rest will fall into place... .  

Hope this helps!

[Chosen]

I think in every society, men are supposed to be tough and independent, and this is why even if they have a fear of abandonment they may be afraid to show it.  My H has a serious fear of abandonment, but he doesn't ever show it to anyone except me.  And of course he won't be begging or crying for me to stay- he will manipulate, threaten and shout to make me stay.  I have told him before that if I didn't want to stay I could've left (maybe not at that moment, but who says I have to come home the next day?); I stayed because I love him.

I don't know how much he understands.

[Themis]

Hi guys! Thanks for the replies so far!

Chosen: Is there a way to undo a trigger once you've stupidly pulled it?

I realize a big mistake I made is he used to show vulnerability to me, even cry, and then when he'd pull away I missed that and mention his vulerable actions and that I missed those, and that closeness.

Immediately I knew it was a very stupid thing to say.

It seems like since then I he was angry that I pointed out those moments, and from what you said he sees it as weakness rather than intimacy.

Thing is now I said it, I don't know how to undo that so he'll trust me again. I've never seen him reach out to me or openly cry or be sweet like that again.

Phoebe: Ah! That's the thing that I learnt too late. He needs a lot of space and freedom. I didn't really give him that as I'd wonder what I did wrong.

I'm quite affectionate so when I'm with someone I like a little space but not too much.

I never stopped him from doing his own thing, so I'm not sure how I could give him more freedom or space. I can see it takes a really independent woman to handle this type of man!

For me being that level of constant independence and strength is a bit draining. I like seeing my own friends and doing my own thing, but feeling the pressure to do that so much was a bit much. I'm a bit of a homebody so it's more relaxing for me to just be able to unwind at home and not be accused of cramping him for existing.

Great advice on focusing on myself, already doing that best I can. Your answer helped a lot. One of my problems is I'm very social and people pleaser... .  so that clashes with what he's doing a bit.

Take2: "He DOES fear abandonment but cannot allow himself to show weakness.  Ever.

He is probably one of the smartest and sharpest people I know."

I can relate to that so much. This really helped. I'll have to keep it in mind that I cannot make him feel weak otherwise he'll pull away more.

It's just hard to watch your words all the time.

[atcrossroads]

Hi there,

I have recently left my uBPD husband and was interested in this thread about BPD men that was resurrected on the leaving board.  I, too, am curious to learn more about the way BPD men present (and causes - mother issues?  FOO?) compared to females.  I'm not sure if any of the posts will ring a bell with you, but it may be worth a read.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78091.0

[almost789]

My ex could NEVER show any sign of weakness. He did not know how to express anger at all. He always had to be cool and in control at all times. He repressed everything. His acting out consisted of dropping off the face of the earth and going silent. What he did during  these times, Im not sure but I think it was  snints of self destruction until he felt better.

[Chosen]

Themis,

I'm not the best person to tell you how to undo the triggers... .  unfortunately I get into dangerous territory very easily, although I'm learning.  For me, it is best to just move on from that episode, don't JADE and instead communicate with validation (see here: Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth).  I forget that a lot of times, and as soon as I realise I will have to just suck it up, say sorry, be the bigger person and hopes he will calm down after a bit.

Better to not trigger him to begin with, but better stop earlier rather than later 

[Take2]

As Lifegoeson said about her ex... .  my ex also will go silent and disappear as in this past weekend when he was caught in his own web of lies.  Rather than admit any wrong doing or truly show remorse to me - both of which equate to weakness for him - he TOTALLY shut me out and disappeared... .   

And like Chosen, I also struggle with dangerous territory.  I try to remind myself of the way to handle things to defuse things when they get heated, but at times there is only so much I can do to NOT defend myself when I'm being accused of things I simply do not do.  I have to remind myself that i can only control myself and my emotions... .  but it's a challenge after so long... .  

I find that my exBPD-bf won't stop somtimes until I have completely broken.  I don't mean crying.  I mean when it's truly clear that I now believe all the horrible things about myself that he says.  And at those times?  sickenly, he will do an about face with me.  But that can't be faked on my part and he is sharp enough to know.

It's sick.  Truly sick.

[LetItBe]

He doesn't show the fear of abandonment in an obvious way, and pretends he doesn't really need anyone.

My uBPDbf has said he doesn't have abandonment fears (even though he lost his mom when he was 9 years old).  I think he does but doesn't see it in himself.  He's been working on so many other of his issues in T.  Perhaps in time, he'll see it.  It's not for me to point out to him. 

He doesn't show insecurities very often, but since I've been paying closer attention, I've noticed some panic on his face a couple of times when I'm missing longer than he expects (like last night when I had to run out and get something from my place and it took longer than we expected).  Now, it's pretty obvious to me, but he doesn't talk about it.  He appears pretty confident to just about everyone.

[Rockylove]

I seriously didn't think that my bf had abandonment issues at all.  He always said that he didn't really like people all that much and preferred being alone, but the reality is quite different.  He keeps people at a distance because, as he put it, they all leave anyway.  He'll say he doesn't need me or my friends (when he's raging) or anybody... .  however he really DOES need this in his life.  He latched onto several of my friends immediately~~which I'm glad for as he really doesn't have many friends of his own.  The wonderful thing about the friends I've got is that they are non judgmental and very loving... .  they don't choose sides in an argument and will genuinely be his friend if he can ever believe it. 

Society does place a lot of emphasis on the male being strong and my bf (undiagnosed BPD) is by far the most sensitive man I've ever met... .  not that he doesn't have his strengths... .  he just doesn't believe in himself.  He feels so deeply that words become trite.  That is one of the things that I love so much about him, too! 

As far as undoing any mistakes you've made... .  I'd suggest forgiving yourself for what you may have done or said... .  and beware that it may come up at some future date when he's in a mood.  If you've forgiven yourself, it won't hurt so much when he hits you in the face with it  

[waverider]

Men can often cover it up from an early age by rechanelling the rage into more direct, and less subtle, anti social behavior leading to direct authority challenging and law breaking. This results in a high proportion of them ending up in the justice system.

The frustration comes out with sticks and stones responses, rather than just words, much like how little boys and girls react.

This is an over generalization of course.

[Themis]

As Lifegoeson said about her ex... .  my ex also will go silent and disappear as in this past weekend when he was caught in his own web of lies.  Rather than admit any wrong doing or truly show remorse to me - both of which equate to weakness for him - he TOTALLY shut me out and disappeared... .   

And like Chosen, I also struggle with dangerous territory.  I try to remind myself of the way to handle things to defuse things when they get heated, but at times there is only so much I can do to NOT defend myself when I'm being accused of things I simply do not do.  I have to remind myself that i can only control myself and my emotions... .  but it's a challenge after so long... .  

I find that my exBPD-bf won't stop somtimes until I have completely broken.  I don't mean crying.  I mean when it's truly clear that I now believe all the horrible things about myself that he says.  And at those times?  sickenly, he will do an about face with me.  But that can't be faked on my part and he is sharp enough to know.

It's sick.  Truly sick.

Thank you for this--that really shed some light--you guys are really helping! I wish I came to this site years ago!

I was just so turned off by all the negativity on the net- what a shame!

I know what triggered him now! Before he disappeared and cut off from me/painted black---I caught him out in a lie of sorts and confronted him on it.

I said I wouldn't accept certain behaviours.

I also called him out on his cruel ways in a way that was articulate, had my stuff together and didn't go to jelly on him.

So-- I stood up for myself and said I wouldn't tolerate lies--and then I get punished?

Oh this is enlightening! Man I needed this place long ago. Again thanks.

After he cut off from me and I was in tears... .  he looked slightly regretful, but then said he didn't care.

As soon as I called him on this he switched straight back to being mean. After that he is now convinced that I am the one that is being mean.

This is the first time he blatantly played such mind games--he's never done it in such an obvious manner where he just said I was the one being a female dog and that's why he stopped talking to me.

I called him on that to and said I was tired of mind games, and eneded the conversation. I never do that- but that was the last straw for me-reversing everything he did onto me--too crazy.

I now said that I'd rather we didn't speak ( dose of his own medicine--usually I don't retaliate, I try to be the bigger person and not trigger him, but had ENOUGH)

I thought he'd be happy with that, but it seemed to annoy him that for once I had the control and really didn't care about pleasing him.

(I'm a people pleaser)

My friend also gave great advice that I wish she told me years ago---she said that when he tries to make me jealous or do something to hurt me---don't react!

Generally I let him know I am hurting.

She said this time, don't give him attention---he is using other people and actions to get MY attention.

My self-esteem was low enough to think he really wanted those other friends company more than mine.

In her opinion it's al to get a rise out of me and he cares more for me than I think.

Wow! I had no idea. Really eye opening. It's taking all my willpower to pretend I don't care and take her advice DON'T GIVE HIM ATTENTION, he is an attention-seeker (she practically yelled this at me)

Hope her advice helps someone else too. Don't-feed-the-troll.

I have some more control, but sadly it's not the perfect solution as it makes him angrier.

[waverider]

I have some more control, but sadly it's not the perfect solution as it makes him angrier.

But how does it make YOU feel?

Does it make your life better or worse if you keep this up?

There is no perfect solution even in regular relationships.

[Chosen]

I find that my exBPD-bf won't stop somtimes until I have completely broken.  I don't mean crying.  I mean when it's truly clear that I now believe all the horrible things about myself that he says.  And at those times?  sickenly, he will do an about face with me.  But that can't be faked on my part and he is sharp enough to know.

My H used to do that a lot of times.  He somehow has a need to completely "break" me.  Then I kind of changed myself- not reacting to his triggers (yes, he triggers me too), and trying to show less of my emotions when he raged.  It worked in the sense that he won't try to completely break me now, although he will still complain about me to no end... .    because if you don't put up such a strong image of yourself, there would be nothing to break, you know?

[Themis]

I have some more control, but sadly it's not the perfect solution as it makes him angrier.

But how does it make YOU feel?

Does it make your life better or worse if you keep this up?

There is no perfect solution even in regular relationships.

I came back here looking for the JADE info, and saw this-

How does it make you feel?

That really struck me. It's been a really bad habit of thinking of how he feels and then feeling better when he is calm and happy.

My needs went in the bin.

I have really been working on myself, but need this constant reminder. What about me.

I felt better to have some control, but at the same time a little sad as I don't want to be like him and get control at the expense of hurting the other person- or creating another argument.

I think the more I learn the better I'll get, just came here a but too late.

[almost789]

Yes, its all the same. Hes splitting you, blaming , you projecting on you and devaluing you and discarding. Mine did exactly the same when I confronted the lies. AND YOUR FRIEND IS ALSO right on the money about it all.

[daze]

Great thread!  Another good one I think would be what do you think contributed to your man's BPD.

Here are BPD traits in my uBPDh:

- black and white thinking - but not in all situations

- fear of abandonment - he abandons first

- mood swings

- push/pull

- silent treatment

- cheating - not on me that I know of but in past relationships by his admission

- substance abuse

- blames others

There are more but I'm too tired to think.

[daze]

Oh yeah, two of the biggies: idealization and devaluation.

[aurora.dragon]

My ex could NEVER show any sign of weakness. He did not know how to express anger at all. He always had to be cool and in control at all times. He repressed everything. His acting out consisted of dropping off the face of the earth and going silent. What he did during  these times, Im not sure but I think it was  snints of self destruction until he felt better.

Wow!  where was this thread a year ago!  My exBPDbf as so independent, said he didn't' need friends though I know he needed people such as an over dependence on his parents and he joined social groups so he could come and go as he pleased.  Acquaintances when he needed them.

He needed a lot of space... .  and that is not the type of relationship I was looking for... .  I wanted a close relationship... .  

He could not express emotion... .  just would drop off the face of the earth and go silent... .  I found in the end he was replacing me... .  uggghhhh... .  so thats when I dropped my axe as that is not acceptable and rather gross  .  I know he will come back to me... .  like he did last time... .  but I won't contact him.  And I doubt he is confident enought to contact me.

Its funny... .  he didn't do that to me when he first started splitting me as he had erectile dysfunction... .  we seemed to cure that with my patience and encouragement so he built of confidence... .  no good deed goes unpunished! 

[waverider]

I felt better to have some control, but at the same time a little sad as I don't want to be like him and get control at the expense of hurting the other person- or creating another argument.

You are not hurting him, and you are not creating another argument, they are. Often their display of hurt is no more than a means of projection and guilting you back into the conflict. Having to learn to self soothe is teaching them coping behavior.

Make your decisions on what you believe is reasonable and fair, not out of Fear , Obligation, and Guilt (FOG)

[goldylamont]

lots of good advice on this interesting thread! Themis i'm a bit worried (as others have mentioned) that you may be sacrificing too much of yourself to try and make your bf happy. i definitely agree that you should do whatever you can to try not to let an argument escalate, but do this for you, for your own good and not his. it doesn't sound like he's thinking about your feelings when he paints you black, so there's an energy imbalance and you may actually enable him by bending too much and not sticking up with yourself. that being said, it's like a mental martial art to stick up for yourself in one of these arguments without losing your cool  i know!

if he's telling lies about things you did/said, does it balance things to be untruthful about how this makes you feel? i think compromising ourselves like this, over and over again, contributes to the slow abuse that makes things so hard later on when we are removed from the situation--when you break up with this person and there's no more fantasy of being with them or them 'getting better', all of the emotions that weren't honored in all of those horrible arguments will come forth to be let out... .  unable to be held down in the name of working things out. the strong emotions we feel in these moments are trying to tell us something, just like pain tells us to take our hand away from the flame, your emotions are asking something of you, and they are you so let them speak (in healthy ways  

[dmiller]

I have been married to a male with BPD for almost 4 years now. He does have a deep desire for friends and having others guess accept him. I am sure there are difference based on the individual and their experiences that will make them differ. But I would also think there is difference between men and women. Such as, I can very much see my BPD being untrusting of women because of his biologial mother and the awful things he had to endure. She was not protective of him and did not give him the affection a child should recieve.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I find that my exBPD-bf won't stop somtimes until I have completely broken.  I don't mean crying.  I mean when it's truly clear that I now believe all the horrible things about myself that he says.  And at those times?  sickenly, he will do an about face with me.  But that can't be faked on my part and he is sharp enough to know.

My H used to do that a lot of times.  He somehow has a need to completely "break" me.  Then I kind of changed myself- not reacting to his triggers (yes, he triggers me too), and trying to show less of my emotions when he raged.  It worked in the sense that he won't try to completely break me now, although he will still complain about me to no end... .    because if you don't put up such a strong image of yourself, there would be nothing to break, you know?

My dBPDbf does this, too. I can't even count the number of times I've literally been in a ball on the floor or in a corner bawling with pain (emotional, not physical) begging him to stop. The first times it made him calm down, but then it started to just make him madder and eventually he would go on until I was crying so badly I went into full blown asthma-attacks. Just thinking about his cold eyes in those moments makes me shudder. It's a horrible disorder, borderline. Then I started working on boundries and detachment and things don't get to this point any more. At least not for me. I either leave or he leaves in a great, big extinction burst.

I, too, think it's hard for men with BPD to show fear of abandonment. My dBPDbf has never said it directly, but he has said he sees himself in all the criteria for the disorder except suicide/self-harm. So I guess it means he actually does feel it. He just won't come right out and say it. He will go as far as asking me if I miss him when we're apart or saying that he likes it better when we're together. But he has never ever begged me to stay or tried to stop me from leaving. He has however numerous times screamed at me to leave, to go back to my country, that he can't stand me etc. In short trying to leave me before I leave him. That's fear of abandonment, I think.

[goldylamont]

wow Scarlet, Chosen and Take2 i can relate to the "breaking" that you guys are speaking of. when our r/s began to end, my exBPDgf would come up with all types of crazy things to say about me during arguments and i got the distinct feeling that she was consciously trying to attack my confidence and ambition--both of which i think she was envious about. certain times she would say things that didn't make any sense at all about me, and i remember distinctly feeling at some point that she was more raging at men in general than at me.

i'm fortunate to be able to say that none of this worked on me--i never believed anything she accused me of being (i.e. a narcissist, or a sissy, or the opposite of a sissy b/c i was a scary abuser, or a liar or a cheater, or money hungry, etc.), it really just made no sense at all. but even though i never lost any self-confidence from these accusations, i can still feel the deep pain of just having someone you care for so much openly trying to break you down. i'm lucky i suppose to never have let the accusations sink in, but in a way she was 'breaking' me just b/c i knew that no one manipulates and accuses to no end unless they truly hate you, and that did really hurt.

i should note that her accusing me of being a narcissist (after we broke up) is the one reason that i found out about BPD and this site. a year after our separation my ex's roomate contacts me wanting to talk, saying that something is wrong with my ex and that they'd been fighting and were moving out. she just needed someone to talk to b/c she said my ex "i dunno, she just is IN MY HEAD, i don't understand". one thing we both agreed upon was that my exBPDgf would often accuse a person of things that she was guilty of. after this conversation her accusing me of being a narcissist made me think--"is she a narcissist?" but it didn't really seem to fit. but i googled it anyway "is my ex a narcissist"--found out i was right, i really don't think she was narcissistic but i saw a post somewhere talking about BPD... .  and i couldn't believe what i was reading. that's why i'm here.

[Take2]

Scarlet Phoenix and Goldylamont... .    it actually makes me feel pain reading these... .  especially Scarlet's... .    so close to home... .    and yes, I agree - it's totally them trying to avoid us abandoning them.  I do know how to avoid getting to this spot... .  but I admit that my ex knows my triggers so well that even as I think it in my head, to not react, that sometimes, especially lately when I get angry (which used to be rare) - I find myself more easily triggered because it just pisses me off the way he ALWAYS avoids responsibility.  I know I need to let that go... .  but when it's in my face at work every day... .  hard... .  

And Goldy... .    it was from me googline narcissistic personality stuff about my ex (a friend of mine told me that is what he is) - that I finally found info on BPD... .    ironically I found it the same day a therapist told me that she thinks that's what he has... .    she was right.   He's undiagnosed but fits it to a T... .  

[waverider]

I have heard this partly explained that it comes from a feeling that you are stealing their victim role.

That is they are hurting and want to express their feelings by projecting you as the perpetrator. So once you start acting like a victim it contradicts what they are aiming to achieve "they are the victim, its your fault". You playing the victim is making them the perpetrator, they see this as unfair and it angers them further.

So it spirals further.

Removal from the spiral seems to be the only way to break this.

Pleading with them does no good, "as you are the one at fault and are just playing the victim". They expect this to be a ploy, as it is normal behavior for them to play the victim, and will expect others to do so also.

[LetItBe]

I, too, think it's hard for men with BPD to show fear of abandonment.

But he has never ever begged me to stay or tried to stop me from leaving. He has however numerous times screamed at me to leave, to go back to my country, that he can't stand me etc. In short trying to leave me before I leave him. That's fear of abandonment, I think.

My uBPDbf only rarely shows or acknowledges his abandonment fears, and I only notice it because I know what to look for.  He recently asked if I'd tell him I love him before I leave if I need to take some space to figure out my own stuff.  He's never been one to say "I love you" frequently, and I don't say it to him often because I remember a time when I said it and heard no response.  We got into a disagreement over that -- he doesn't want to feel controlled or obligated to say it back.  Showing that level of vulnerability so openly recently was a first.

He's never wanted to "need" anyone.  He doesn't contact me as frequently as men in past relationships.  I think he likes to be pursued (and therefore in control, not "needing" me), but I've backed off since I'm not happy with the pursuer/distancer dynamic.  I let him come to me more than I used to.

He has never tried to stop me from leaving.  He, instead, withdraws often, but he's aware of it and is working on shifting that.

[yeeter]

I find that my exBPD-bf won't stop somtimes until I have completely broken.  I don't mean crying.  I mean when it's truly clear that I now believe all the horrible things about myself that he says.  And at those times?  sickenly, he will do an about face with me.  But that can't be faked on my part and he is sharp enough to know.

My H used to do that a lot of times.  He somehow has a need to completely "break" me.  Then I kind of changed myself- not reacting to his triggers (yes, he triggers me too), and trying to show less of my emotions when he raged.  It worked in the sense that he won't try to completely break me now, although he will still complain about me to no end... .    because if you don't put up such a strong image of yourself, there would be nothing to break, you know?

My dBPDbf does this, too. I can't even count the number of times I've literally been in a ball on the floor or in a corner bawling with pain (emotional, not physical) begging him to stop.

Indeed, I can relate to this.  If my wife gets you down she just piles it on harsher.  Not just kicking you while down, but going for the pointy toed boot to the head knockout punch (emotionally speaking).  Some of the MC T's have really gotten upset when they have seen this.

The only thing I have found that helps is detachment.  And defense.  Dont allow your emotional state to be affected by her.

(so yes, none of this post is gender specific)

One generalization I will make is that often times, men self soothe with time by themselves.  At least I did/do.  My wife would accuse me of abandoning her for different periods of time.  What was really happening (which I didnt really understand at the time), was that I was taking a time out so that I could heal and recover.  I would still talk with her, but not simply stand and take the verbal abuse.  Of course she wanted to deliver it, so me withdrawing was to her seen as abandonment and would accuse me of just running away from the problems.  My soothing was time alone to think and process (always has been, since I was little even)

These days however, I can take a time out - say so - and she accepts this.  No idea what allowed the transition to happen, but I think it mostly stemmed from me just doing it.  Then we can still engage on other topics, just not the hot buttons (so Im just saying sometimes, maybe he does need space of his own to sort it out), but staying engaged on other topics might help with abandonment feelings.

[sm15000]

My ex was not dxd.  We were together 13 yrs (didn't live together).  Over those years, he was very stable overall in his moods (no sulking, ranting, mood swings) although I noticed things I couldn't put my finger on which makes me suspect he is more narcissistic than borderline?  He was the typical 'mask wearer' aided by his job as an University lecturer.  On one level charming, funny, a great conversationalist & listener, intelligent, caring, attentive.

When it all kicked off (and he was dysregulated), his issues became very obvious:

Had to feel in control

Idealisation/devaluation

Hiding a deep-rooted neediness/insecurity

Self-pity

Lack of accountability (sweeps problems under the carpet)

Passive aggresive

Aviodant

Created distance

Talked in riddles

Serial/multiple emotional and physical r/ships with women

Attention seeking

Cerebal narcissism

Empathy severely impaired

Sarcastic/cutting

Objectified women when dysregulating

Fascination with the dark side of life

Alcohol/drug abuse

Projection

Lying

Abandonment fears (well hidden)

Blackmailing