How to deal with double standards

[Chosen]

Does it anger/ frustrate/ confuse you sometimes that your pwBPD has double standards on pretty much everything?

Like:

- He can shout at you when he's angry, but if you raise your voice (even if you have said something a dozen times and he still doesn't believe you, or something like that) then it's not allowed and you're rude.

- When he does housework it's because he's such a loving, self-sacrificial H, but when you do it it's not because he's already helped you out with lots of stuff and now you have "so little" to do (what sort of logic is that?)

- He can go on for hours to days about how rubbish a person you are, he can complain about you all the time, but when you even make 1 complaint about him he says you're never satisfied?

... .  and so on.

Do you get these too in your life?  How do you deal with it?  It seems there is no use trying to talk logic into my uBPDh's mind, so do I just deal with myself, learn to let it go?   

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[Themis]

It's pretty hard to win.

In my case he would say I was too nice, and that wasn't attractive. When I stood up for myself he would get even angrier and swear at me.

In that way I couldn't win.

Do nothing=doormat

Get a backbone & fight back= horrible person, "see we don't get along" , "we fight all the time" etc thinking, to justify pulling away from me.

If they don't have a strong fear of abandonment (mine didn't) the best thing is too ignore or walk away.

That way you show you don't tolerate the insults, but at the same time are not throwing gasoline on fire.

I have to stop for today as I've read so much, and really excited about how many things I can relate to. But the real help will be finding solutions, and better ways to deal with this unusual personality.

[briefcase]

Yes double standards and twisted thinking is very common for many of us, including me.  Some of the double standards my wife has tried to impose have been breathtaking in their audacity.     A few times, I've even told her so.

The thing with double standards is that we can sometimes allow it to happen.  It's a boundary issue mostly.  We "tolerate" more than our partners do, end up angry at oursevles and resenting them.  Its better to enforce a boundary around yelling (i.e. take a time out) than to try to insist that because he yells at you, he should be ok with you yelling at him.

It takes time and patience.   

[laelle]

One of my good ones is... .  When something bad happens to him im suppose to be sympathetic and supportive. When something bad happens to me, its automatically my fault, and its his job to tell me so.  (like its going to help somehow)

I really try to just consider the source and validate myself with the "radical acceptance" belief.  Its really hard.  It makes me feel like he is trying to steal my value and I dont have a clue why.  Maybe someone else can answer that question. 

[steev]

I think you have experienced BPD 101. Projection. They foist their own undesirable behaviors onto people close to them. I have spent years of being on the receiving end of this behavior. It is usually soo blatant that my first reaction would be surprise then laughing (because I have learned to see it coming, recognize and react appropriately), but I don't dare, it just sends them into hysterics. I react usually with things like "I don't really see myself that way, can you show me an example?" She then clams up and decides to be annoyed and reply with something like "why can't we communicate?"

[Cardinals in Flight]

Our big "double standard" is me taking more than 30 seconds to answer a text  , for her? several hours or not at all is no big deal, 

Same with answering a call, "where were you?", usually in a text less than ten seconds after said call... .  me? "umm working hon"

I can call and not be answered and the call never mentioned again... .  

Such is life! 

CiF

[patientandclear]

The pwBPD in my life also becomes anxious if I don't respond right away to texts -- calls it "text silence" -- but yes, he does it without seeming to understand that that might make me anxious.

[Chosen]

The thing with double standards is that we can sometimes allow it to happen.  It's a boundary issue mostly.  We "tolerate" more than our partners do, end up angry at oursevles and resenting them.  Its better to enforce a boundary around yelling (i.e. take a time out) than to try to insist that because he yells at you, he should be ok with you yelling at him.

I certainly don't think that because he yells at me, it's ok for me to do the same.  Sometimes it just angers me that he can take something which is wrong and twist it around so it "becomes" right, and you can't really argue with this type of non-logic. 

I really try to just consider the source and validate myself with the "radical acceptance" belief.  Its really hard.  It makes me feel like he is trying to steal my value and I dont have a clue why.  Maybe someone else can answer that question. 

You're right laelle, I think it goes into "radical acceptance".

I think the "value stealing" is because they (pwBPDs) don't have much of a self-identity, so they kind of don't want other people to be clear about their identities and boundaries... .  is that a possible reason you think?

[whereisthezen]

Of course!  It's so much easier when boundaries are mutual!  And having to remember all of these quirky do's and dont's is equivalent to learning mandarin, french and russian while setting your dinner table for 15 (You just can't!  You can try and try to be perfect, but then you're not being perfect because perfect is how you really are, tame that completely and you'll suffer in the long run), try to be yourself as MUCH as possible, when they get glimpses of reality they need to see you, not the mirror they imposed on you.

[TigerEye]

Whilst in residential rehab my SO was described by one of her peers as "a walking contradiction", couldn't have put it better myself.

As for how to deal with them, know your boundaries, limits and values, decide where their standards sit and act accordingly, sounds easy, then why am I struggling so much? I am starting to realize the answer to that one! - work (on me) in progress!

[real lady]

Does it anger/ frustrate/ confuse you sometimes that your pwBPD has double standards on pretty much everything?

((Chosen)) it HAS angered me, I used to allow it to confuse and frustrate me but I have had to RADICALLY ACCEPT that he is undiagnosed BPD and that there is NO reciprocity of love and the balance of "who is allowed to be angry" HAS and probably ALWAYS WILL be tipping to the BOTTOM toward HIM having the right but I will never even be able to "sigh in frustration about the sink leak" without him nearly dysregulating.

Do you get these too in your life?  How do you deal with it? 

Well, in the process of healing from a relationship with another possible personality disordered man, I had learned a lot about myself and how to NOT respond and to NOT expect certain behaviors from him and that has helped me with my uBPDso's behavior. Am I dealing with it? As best as I can since I am living with him. Do I want this to continue? NO. Can I make him change? NO. Do I see myself with "him like this" the rest of my life? H... NO.

It seems there is no use trying to talk logic into my uBPDh's mind, so do I just deal with myself, learn to let it go? 

 Radical acceptance. He is as he is and if you expect anything different you WILL be angry/frustrated and confused. You may become detached because they will NOT allow us to be "too close" to them due to their fear of intimacy yet we cannot go TOO far away or it triggers their fear of abandonment. What I have read about BPD; is that NO MATTER HOW INTELLIGENT a pwBPD is, they CAN NOT logically discuss or face their emotional dysregulation and that is why they blame, twist and deny everything. Let it go. Take good care of yourself and realize that you love a mentally ill person. I have and it has helped me make decision about how I respond/initiate conversation (none) with him.

[Rockylove]

This is one of the most frustrating things I could imagine having to accept, but as others here have said, it is up to me to apply radical acceptance as a means of survival.  That doesn't mean that I don't roll my eyes at it, get frustrated with it or at times even a bit angry... .  but I'm learning to radically accept my feelings about the situation as well. 

I'm most likely to feel negative emotions toward my bf when I'm tired and overwhelmed and it's up to me to keep myself well rested and at peace.  When he's applying a double standard, I have to recognize that he's not at peace and likely will never be.  It makes me sad for him (not to be confused with feeling sorry for him) because having such inner turmoil is so very painful. 

[yeeter]

These relationships are not fair.

So of course there are double standards.  Hypocrisy.  Imbalance.

I work on this daily - managing it without allowing the resentment and anger to build (its HARD!).  I try to take it on as a form of self improvement - learning how to draw boundaries, ask for and demand what I want - in a way that is acceptable.  In my relationship, nothing is 'given' by her.  Anything I want, must be 'made' to happen, or 'taken/demanded'.  

For my personal style this feels like a constant uphill battle.  But to some people (like my wife), its just a normal natural way (something like:  of course each individual is trying to 'take', and by each trying to take and then negotiating from there it balances out - the adversarial system to finding balance).  Not my style though, so a big learning curve.

And then the fact that they dont play 'fair' - makes it even harder.  Acceptance Acceptance Acceptance.  Strong boundaries, detachment, filling your basic needs in other ways, gives the patience to help the interaction go better.

[daylily]

Thanks, Chosen!  Great topic.  This is one of those threads where I'm reading each post and nodding my head.  I think this is one of the most frustrating things about being in a relationship with a pwBPD. It's so counterintuitive to accept injustice, which is what double standards are -- unjust. 

It's not like we're going to somehow make them see the light.  They come up with some sort of twisted reason that it's not a double standard at all, and most of those reasons involve what's wrong with us nons.  Given that we're not going to convince them of anything, radical acceptance seems to be key here.  I'm not one to tell you how to do that, though, as I'm really struggling with it.  I feel like I'm so susceptible to being beaten down by him that if I don't fight back with all of my being, I'll lose myself.  I know that's wrong and only makes things worse, but it's almost like it's a primal instinct to protect myself that I'm trying to suppress.

  Daylily

[mitchell16]

oh yes the double standards. Know that one well. I never did learn how to adjust to it. Of course she always said it was me that had the double standards.

if she was drinkning to much and I tried to slow her down. I was to controlling if I didnt it was my fault whatveer happened.

if i rushe dto see her I was not giving her space if I didnt I was int to her anymore.

If I was wanting sex she would turn me down or say I was addicted to her sexually if I didnt ask for it I  made her feel unattractive and not wanted.

all thsi from what I know if a very common trait with BPD. But I just would ingnore it but that never worked either becuase it was like it just kept building in her until she found something to explode about. I just could never come out ahead.

[maryy16]

That's just the way it is when dealing with BPD. I learned that many, many years ago.  When our kids were young (ages 4, 2, and newborn), I was up every night tending to them while BPDh slept soundly all night, every night.  I would ask him to please help me during the night and he would say, "just wake me up and I'll help", but, of course, if I did wake him up, he became angry and hostile because I was "making him do things" and " he was tired and had to go to work the next day".  Now, mind you, we BOTH worked full time jobs at that time and I had to get up and go to work too, but that never seemed to register with him.

Then if he found me taking a quick nap on the weekends when he was home or just sitting down for a few minutes, I was accused of being lazy, that I never did anything around the house, etc, etc.   

ALWAYS, a double standard with BPD.