I miss her?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My r/s with uBPDw ended 4 months ago.  Intellectually, I know her and what she is.  I "know" how bad it was.  I "know" that it is better it is over and best to move on.  We have two small kids and so NC was never an option, however my contact with her is about as limited as it could possibly be. Most days when I do see here (exchanging the kids) I feel grateful it is over- I look at her and think "she's mentally ill."  Still, I have days when I miss her, or miss the "good part of her" or miss the fantasy of healthy relationship with an intact family. For 4 months I haven't communicated ANYTHING to her that wasn't strictly business (kids, courts etc.)  Honestly, right now I want call/text/email her and tell her "I miss you."  Because, right now, I do.  Has anyone here ever experienced this? 

[theirdad]

My r/s with uBPDw ended 4 months ago.  Intellectually, I know her and what she is.  I "know" how bad it was.  I "know" that it is better it is over and best to move on.  We have two small kids and so NC was never an option, however my contact with her is about as limited as it could possibly be. Most days when I do see here (exchanging the kids) I feel grateful it is over- I look at her and think "she's mentally ill."  Still, I have days when I miss her, or miss the "good part of her" or miss the fantasy of healthy relationship with an intact family. For 4 months I haven't communicated ANYTHING to her that wasn't strictly business (kids, courts etc.)  Honestly, right now I want call/text/email her and tell her "I miss you."  Because, right now, I do.  Has anyone here ever experienced this? 

[willy45]

Oh my god yes. I experience this ALL the time.

Don't do it. Here is how I suspect it will go down.

You will text 'I miss you'. She will text you back 'I miss you'. You will feel guilt and fear. You will try to go NC again. She will use your text as a way to get back in with you. She will guilt you with it. You will give in. You will talk more. You will communicate more. It will all seem kind of great but you will feel an insane amount of anxiety and guilt. You will probably start saying and thinking things you don't really mean. She will push your boundaries. You will feel destabilized. She will continue to push. She will eventually say something to you that pushes you too far. She will either rage at you or you will start to get angry with her. You will have horrible 2 hour conversations that don't go anywhere. She will probably blame you for everything. You will vow to go NC again. Or she will.

The result is that you will miss her even more. Sounds crazy. But you probably will. You will feel worse about yourself. Your currently fragile self-esteem will get reduced. And the more times you do it, the lower and lower our self-esteem will get. The worse and worse you will feel. And the more and more you will 'miss' her.

Don't text her. If things were super terrible before and you were willing to divorce her, then something was obviously not right. Don't get fooled by your feelings right now into thinking that things will be different. They won't be. They will probably be worse.

There are a million and one posts on here about this. I wish I had taken heed. I get reeled back in several times from simple 'I miss you' emails. After 7 months, I am in a worse state than when I even started. Crazy.

[sunrising]

Honestly, right now I want call/text/email her and tell her "I miss you."  Because, right now, I do.  Has anyone here ever experienced this? 

I'm only a month in, but yes, every single day.  Try to remember what you'd be getting yourself back into if you say that to her and she recycles you.  From what I've learned, it's not a question of IF they will devalue you again, but WHEN.   Do you want to go through that again?

[mnwushu89]

My relationship ended with my BPDEXgf in November. Completely ending with her raging on me about a month and a half ago. I have been NC since.  While I do find solace and peace knowing its better and experiencing the better things again (normal sleep, hanging out with friends, new job opportunities, training in martial arts everyday again, therapy for me). There isnt every now and then where she or us crosses my mind. Honestly there probably isn't a day that goes by where she or us doesn't cross my mind somehow.  Whenever I miss her or have any thought or emotion about it I remind myself that I never want to go back there and where I am today.

I also tell myself that it is normal to have feelings or the memories because they happened and I enjoyed them. I also remember the bad and tell myself that the person I knew and loved is gone and is never coming back in that sense.  No regrets I learned a lot and experienced something that was a gift and curse at the same time.

[just_think]

I hit a really clear moment last week and since then, I've sunk into pretty a bad depression... .  

I made the mistake of going back and reading old emails once I started slipping, wondering if I was even close in my assumptions about her.  Our chemistry was unreal. Right now, I miss her so incredibly much... .  

I liked who I was when I was with her.  I was who I wanted to be. Now, I don't like who I am... .  I don't even recognize myself... .  

Logically, I know it would never work.  I know all the reasons she pushed me out and I left.

But damn... .  to have that honeymoon back... .  

Luckily, at some point, my brain kicks in and I know it's a deal with the devil... .  

Keep pushing through... .  

[GustheDog]

I hit a really clear moment last week and since then, I've sunk into pretty a bad depression... .  

I made the mistake of going back and reading old emails once I started slipping, wondering if I was even close in my assumptions about her.  Our chemistry was unreal. Right now, I miss her so incredibly much... .  

I liked who I was when I was with her.  I was who I wanted to be. Now, I don't like who I am... .  I don't even recognize myself... .  



Logically, I know it would never work.  I know all the reasons she pushed me out and I left.

But damn... .  to have that honeymoon back... .  

Luckily, at some point, my brain kicks in and I know it's a deal with the devil... .  

Keep pushing through... .  

Yeah, this ^^^.

I remember visiting my mother with my ex once and I overheard them talking (I wasn't eavesdropping on purpose - they were in the kitchen and I was in the adjacent den).  They got along well.  I heard my mother telling my ex how "good" she is for me and how she brings out the best in me.  My mother even says, "I really like him lately!"  Thanks, Mom!

Anyone read Brave New World?  Remember Soma holidays?  Perfect drug.  No crash, just the high.

Ahhh, fiction . . . .

[Wooddragon]

I'm missing mine terribly - we have only been NC for 12 days after the end of the second go around. I know from past experience that contact means the lure of that easy familiarity, the private jokes & shared memories. I tried every kind of bargaining possible to retain that but no matter how clear or reasonable my boundaries, they got broken & he lied to me seemingly out of habit. I think mine enjoyed playing games with me. So the short term fix of feeling part of something called "us" again - even just in a phone conversation - is too great a risk for me.

Last night I was out for dinner with a group - I felt completely dissociated - like I wasnt even there. I missed him so much & wanted to contact him. I think it is going to take a while for that to pass but I can't slip up or he will draw me back.

[cal644]

I know the feeling - I too have been trying to go out with friends and groups - but I always find myself leaving early because I'm just not myself.  Every day I am getting stronger - I know she wasn't good for me - I know I always wanted a deeper love - so why is it soo damn hard.  Time does help - i am getting back to my old self but then I get a text and feel like ok she has finally come to her right frame of mind - but then I get shot down again.  When will I learn to not fall for the trap - when I can I be the old me again - the person everybody loved.  I guess it's because in our marriage I truly beleived the two became one - now something in me is missing.  But I am starting to realize the two becoming 1 didn't me - me and a mirror of me.  I am who I am - she just mirrored me -so maybe it was me just carrying a mirror with me - maybe that's the secret I'll just start carrying a mirror with me everywhere I go! It's a breakthrough! In order to get over your pwBPD just carry a mirror instead... .  

[healingmyheart]

Yes, yes yes... .  I am addicted too my exBPD too and desperately what to text him.  I made the mistake of going back to our first date which was a nature reserve.  I took pictures and cried like a baby.  I sent one of the pictures to him and said thank you for two years... .  hope you are ok.  Well, he saw that as an opportunity to get his foot back in the door.  He went to the nature reserve the same day and sent me pictures trying to lure me in.  I think I did it to try to find closure... .  I never should of sent the picture to him.  It's like I still want him but I know in my heart its not healthy and I must let go.  It's my understanding that "intermittent reinforcement" plays into our inability to let go so easily.