How on earth can I still feel guilty and sorry for her?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been about 9 months since I broke up with my exBPD and I have been much much happier and nearly back to my old self. Although recently I have been feeling sad that I left her all alone, with no friends or family support.

That guilt had subsided, so I don't understand why it has come back? I've begun a new relationship which is going fantastically well, despite me still dealing with my baggage to some degree.

I think it is because I just wish she could find peace. The more I think about the old relationship the more dysfunctional I realise it was. It was effectively almost like a father and child relationship, and I was the parent. It led me into drink too much to deal with the stress and strain of living with someone like that, yet I am out the other side. I wonder if I will ever stop wondering if I could have done something else to help her. The thing that really annoys me is I couldn't be truthful in the breakup as to why I was doing it. I just said it wasn't right.  I said that she needed to deal with the issues from her past, and she ignored it.  I know she seems to blame my family and friends for 'influencing' my decision - ironic in itself. I guess it is the lack of closure too, and it makes me angry that I am the one probably feeling guilty when the breakdown of the relationship was solely down to her and her erratic behaviour.  It also makes me angry that her family have done NOTHING to help her, and are blissfully ignoring her problems. The fact that she has raged in front of them, and they just accept it is not on. Then they have the cheek to try to blame my family and friends for the breakup!

Has anyone else had similar breakups with their BPD and family meltdowns?

[Mistified247]

It's been about 9 months since I broke up with my exBPD and I have been much much happier and nearly back to my old self. Although recently I have been feeling sad that I left her all alone, with no friends or family support.

That guilt had subsided, so I don't understand why it has come back? I've begun a new relationship which is going fantastically well, despite me still dealing with my baggage to some degree.

I think it is because I just wish she could find peace. The more I think about the old relationship the more dysfunctional I realise it was. It was effectively almost like a father and child relationship, and I was the parent. It led me into drink too much to deal with the stress and strain of living with someone like that, yet I am out the other side. I wonder if I will ever stop wondering if I could have done something else to help her. The thing that really annoys me is I couldn't be truthful in the breakup as to why I was doing it. I just said it wasn't right.  I said that she needed to deal with the issues from her past, and she ignored it.  I know she seems to blame my family and friends for 'influencing' my decision - ironic in itself. I guess it is the lack of closure too, and it makes me angry that I am the one probably feeling guilty when the breakdown of the relationship was solely down to her and her erratic behaviour.  It also makes me angry that her family have done NOTHING to help her, and are blissfully ignoring her problems. The fact that she has raged in front of them, and they just accept it is not on. Then they have the cheek to try to blame my family and friends for the breakup!

Has anyone else had similar breakups with their BPD and family meltdowns?

[Rose Tiger]

Unless someone has been in a relationship with a person with BPD, they can't fully understand what it does to the partner.  This place and my therapist have been the only places I could discuss it fully.  The rest of the world gets a very short version of it didn't work out.  You are spot on that there was nothing you could do to help her, it is her choice and her responsibility.  You are only responsible for taking care of you.  They can certainly suck us into thinking that we can help, that we can save them.  We can't.

Can you cut the conversation short on anyone that doesn't get it and move the subject to something else?