Is that a trap I smell

[cal644]

I'm posting this one on the undecided board - since I do waiver back and forth -

The other day I received this huge text from my uBPD wife all about her pasts her regrets about dragging me into her madness, how she knows what she lost and how she hates she lost her best friend (me) followed by a phone call of her crying her eyes out just to make sure I got them.  The next day I receive all these texts about how her heart hurts, how she despises the person she was these last couple of years and all of these spiritual attachments.  Then yesterday I receive this text about how she is working on a plan to get better starting with reading codependant no more.  I can't help but to wonder if this is an honest effort on her part or if it is just another trap to keep me attached.

[pallavirajsinghani]

It appears to me that her texts are saying,  "I am hurting.  Soothe me". Her emotions and regrets are real.  However, this awareness will not last unless she goes through intensive therapy.  Do you see her regret translating into action?  If you see her self-pity change into beginning and staying in therapy for a couple of years, then you do have hope.

[cal644]

I really do see her starting to change.  She has been forcusing alot more on God, has been in counciling for 6 months now and has things she is actually working on, admitted her past is the cause of alot of her problems, is starting to show that she is really working on things this time instead of just putting a bandaid on.  I have heard sometimes it takes them to hit the botttom before they get serious help.  Maybe my filing is what it took for her to have a wakeup call.  I guess only time will tell - but at the same time I'm working on myself and still trying to detach with love so I don't get caught off guard again.

[hithere]

The other day I received this huge text from my uBPD wife all about her pasts her regrets about dragging me into her madness, how she knows what she lost and how she hates she lost her best friend (me) followed by a phone call of her crying her eyes out just to make sure I got them.  The next day I receive all these texts about how her heart hurts, how she despises the person she was these last couple of years and all of these spiritual attachments.  Then yesterday I receive this text about how she is working on a plan to get better starting with reading codependant no more.  I can't help but to wonder if this is an honest effort on her part or if it is just another trap to keep me attached

I heard many of the same things a few times during our splits.  I don't know your story but if she is really BPD then if  you go back I would expect more of the same.

[Clearmind]

cal, I agree she is wanting you to self soothe instead of using her own coping skills to do this for herself.

Therapy for Borderlines is specific so I'm not sure what therapy she is currently doing.

If you were to work on reconciling - what would need to happen?

[daze]

Cal,

It's difficult to know what to think when we see what might be a flickering of self-awareness in our pwBPD. Especially when they are doing concrete things like therapy and spirituality. So many conflicting thoughts/feelings. I've been going through it with my uBPDh from who I am separated though we are still in a relationship.

What type of therapy is she in?  Do you know if her therapist is aware of her BPD/BPD traits?

Daze

[cal644]

She is in theropy but really doesn't talk about it to me.  I know she is trying to address her past childhood issues (every type imaginable)  but she's been in theropy on and off for 15 years now.  Her councilor is having her currently doing a thing on co-dependency - only reason I know is she asked if I had the book on codependancy no more.  Which my councilor diagnoised her with 6 months ago.  In order for me to reconsile she would need to 1. Quit her emotional affair (definate) 2. goto marriage counciling (which I could wait on this one  for now) 3. continue to get counciling for herself (definate) I don't think my demands are outrageous - but she thinks they are.

[daze]

Your requirements to reconcile sound more than reasonable to me, as I'm sure they would to most people. Has she told you why she finds your requirements outrageous?

[doubleAries]

Those "demands" don't sound very outrageous to me at all. If they do to her, that's pretty much a red flag. If you want to reconcile, I'd suggest going pretty slowly! Actions speak louder than words. You need to see proof, not just promises.

[Clearmind]

In order for me to reconsile she would need to 1. Quit her emotional affair (definate) 2. goto marriage counciling (which I could wait on this one  for now) 3. continue to get counciling for herself (definate) I don't think my demands are outrageous - but she thinks they are.

OK these are your boundaries for reconciliation - fair enough!

Cal, we can contribute to the dynamic in more ways than we care to admit   - If you look to the right you will see the Choosing a Path link - two parts of the 5 step process is to look in the mirror/take inventory to see who we are in the relationship and work through our fears. Are you able to begin to do this? Whether you reconcile or not this is important so you don't choose a BPD #2.

So while I agree it would be great for our partners to seek therapy - have you considered therapy for you? What would you like to work on? What have you noticed about yourself going through this process?

Change, reconciliation, communication does not just happen or suddenly get better if we don't recognize that we need to work on us!

I hope I can be honest and say that if we don't begin to work on us - we can be here on the undecided board for infinitum - because - nothing would have changed.

[cal644]

Yes I have taken inventory - and I do still have a number of fears.  She also left 3 years into our marriage - same reason she didn't know who she was or what she wanted.  Another fear I have is that she will never truly love me and always see me as just a caregiver.  I am going to theropy too and it has been great to help me understand her illness - he beleives the reason we lasted so long is because I was such a loving and caring person.  The main trigger was when my brother got sick and died from cancer within the last two years.  We I was struggling, depressed, and grieving - she didn't know what to do all of a sudden 150% of my attention wasn't on her but I had to focus on myself too.  My wife has admitted that she is broken and a nutcase - she said her biggest regret in life is that I married her and she drug me into all of her issues she said this wouln't hurt so damn bad if I never married her - she didn't know how to be a good mom or a good wife because she never had any examples.  I always thought I had enough love, patience, faith, and caring for both of us... .  she said she just couldn't keep up with me anymore and that I am still the best guy she knows and the person she admires the most - but if that was true why would she throw that all away... .  does the illness really make them that sick that they throw away the good to chase the bad?

[Clearmind]

Cal, if I can help you understand what it means to take personal inventory. Not everyone attaches to a Borderline and not every Borderline attaches to you – this was a dance – you have a role and its more than just fear.

I appreciate that therapy has helped you understand her illness however detaching, moving forward, healing or in the case of reconciling – understanding your role is really about you not her.

I don’t doubt you are caring and loving – I was too – we can love too much and we can care too much – we can also have compassion fatigue – this is not healthy – for you or her and a r/s cannot be built on that alone.

Many of us have the capability to over accommodate – that is to spend all our energy on the other person rather than on us – we need to figure out why we do this. We also need to figure out what is it about us that tried to change our partners and not recognize the red flags. This involved some deep thought Cal and delving back to your childhood.

What many of us don’t realize is that our relationship skills are learnt – from our carers – our parents. Some of us, like me and many many other members who I have heard their stories over the years have figured out what it is. I have too. Unless we sort through this we can be in this perpetual merry go round for ever.

In order to do this we must take the focus of our ex’s and what they did or didn’t do. And instead look at our role in the r/s – our role was hard wired before they came along.

When we take inventory we begin to also accept that our ex’s are not all good or all bad – this is splitting and B&W thinking on our part. Our ex’s are ALL the things they showed us to be. She showed you who she is and what is capable of providing you – you ignored it, you pushed along, tried to fix a little more to make things OK – it hurts like hell when it falls over.

Why did it hurt so bad Cal? Did you feel abandoned by her even though you gave her everything? Often the r/s break-up is the catalyst for bearing our own childhood wounds.

Why did you believe that you would be enough for her?

Why did you ignore the red flags? What is it in you that needed her to fulfill you - that you could not fulfill yourself?

What was your parents r/s style? What was your household like as a child ---> teens?

A Borderline helps us escape our own issues - what better way to avoid our own issues by dating a Borderline - after all pwBPD absorb our every being.

[cal644]

I guess that is what is so hard for me.  My childhood was great my teens were great my family was great... .  in fact I always thought my family was normal until I grew up and realized that we were actually abnormal... we had deep love for each other, didn't fight, respected each other, religious, had fun together, but still allowed each other to have fun by themselves, in fact we probably looked like a 50's sitcom... .  ... .  boring.  I think why this hurts so much is because I do feel abandoned I feel used.  I feel used because I always gave and gave and it still wasn't enough.  As for the reason I did attach to my pwBPD - honestly it's because we had a child in highschool (if it wasn't for that we may not have ended up together) - but I did the right thing, became the father figure (not only for my kids but my wife also) - I think that's another reason it hurts - because for me it's like a parent watching his child rebel and say I hate you, I hate all you did for me after showing them nothing but love.  I did give up a lot of things for her (my friends) a job that I liked so I wouldn't have to work weekends, a lot of activities I used to like doing because I felt guilty if I wasn't with her.  As for the thing I wanted from her was a relationship like my parents (close and loving) honestly that's one thing I never did feel from her - I never did feel that unconditional love (there were always conditions).  I think another reason I find this difficult is because I did grow up in a good family where divorce would have never even been considered because it was happy and good - my dad told me he only remembers 3 times in 50 years that him and my mom went to bed mad.  I did also want to have the time when there was an issue we could discuss it as adults and come to resolution.  That's what makes it so tough - maybe my expectations were too high for her - in fact she hated when people always said we were the perfect couple.  Maybe I was asking too much love from her when she was giving all she could (she always would appologize that she couldn't give me the love I needed).  I know I have some issues - I'm a people pleasure, always happy and outgoing (one of these reasons might be was that I was looking for validation and respect from others since I didn't feel I got it from her). My expectations for what a family should be is high - because I have seen how close a loving and caring family can be. 

[Clearmind]

Like you I thought my family was normal too – until I chose a Borderline – my r/s was very reminiscent of my childhood. My break-up hurt because I felt abandoned – just like I did when I was a child.

Yes, for me I also felt my partner was very child like and I had become the parent. Interestingly, I had to grow up very fast as a child. Coupled with my father’s emotional immaturity (he is uBPD) and my mothers enabling I was left to fend for myself. I did grow up fast – I was that parent my partner needed.

Cal, a 50’s sitcom is a good way to describe it. I assume you mean there were restrictions and you were required to act/be a certain way? This environment I would imagine would be stifling and you maybe were required to be the ‘good boy’  – a Borderline injects a load of excitement and spontaneity/impulsive we were deprived of – we felt we missed out.

You can begin to see the dynamic between you and your wife. She needed you because she is dealing with her own core trauma from childhood. We also needed the r/s to fill a void – that void we haven’t healed from in our childhood.

Feeling obligated (staying because of the child) was something I became accustomed to. My father would guilt me as a child and criticize all that I did – I felt obligated to be the ‘good girl’ and do what he said, to try and gain his approval – to love me.

I can understand how you would have felt obligated if you were young. We are yet to learn the dynamics of what makes a r/s work.

In our adult life we can also do too much for our partners so we can gain that approval – my friend – this is not love – its need. In a healthy r/s each person in the union fills their own void – this is the only way a r/s can work. The other way, the way we may have been trying to operate was to do as much as we can – to save them from their own life – at the expense of ours. This is enmeshment and classic co-dependent behaviour.

So how does this impact our BPD r/s? We are not able to accept our partners because we have our own baggage – we are living vicariously through them – demanding they fill our void – this is not sustainable.

What do we do to make things better – or to reconcile with our partners? Work on us. Your wife will not change without intense therapy – which leaves us with two choices:

1.   Move on and heal

2.   Accept she is BPD – work on/re-build your self worth, who you are and learn to love your wife yet remain detached from the projections.

You may not be able to choose yet – that’s OK.

So in going back to your original post:

I'm posting this one on the undecided board - since I do waiver back and forth -

The other day I received this huge text from my uBPD wife all about her pasts her regrets about dragging me into her madness, how she knows what she lost and how she hates she lost her best friend (me) followed by a phone call of her crying her eyes out just to make sure I got them.  The next day I receive all these texts about how her heart hurts, how she despises the person she was these last couple of years and all of these spiritual attachments.  Then yesterday I receive this text about how she is working on a plan to get better starting with reading codependant no more.  I can't help but to wonder if this is an honest effort on her part or if it is just another trap to keep me attached.

How does this post sit with you now?

Where does your healing start?

Be kind to you.

[cal644]

That's one of my other issues... .  i actually have a great self worth - which is one of the things that drove my wife crazy.  I know who I am - I have a deep relationship with God, family, and friends.  All the things that she didn't.  Honestly the first time my self worth was down was when she had her EA - then I thought to myself she had everything but still it wasn't enough.  She even admitted that she had everything a woman could want and she realized she threw it away.  As for my family - I think you might misunderstand - we are actually a great family - Out of 137 including cousins, aunts, uncles, etc... .  we are all close and I am only the second one going through a divorce - the other was my cousin who's wife was on the extreme extreme end of BPD (got married 2 weeks after he committed suicide/murdered - case still open, oldest child was her sisters husbands, into extreme sex 5-8 guys at a time, etc... .  really messed up) that's one of the other things that drove her crazy - we were everything her family wasn't.  We were both on total ends of the world. I have been building up my self worth again and maybe that's why she is so upset - because I have my boundaries and an EA affair is one of them - i will not be second in her life, I will not be a backup plan, I deserve better than that.  I think the only thing I missed from her that I did get from my childhood was the love, the praise, the complements, the just being proud of everything we accomplished.  It's sad - everything she wanted in life she threw away.  The main reason - my brother got sick of cancer (we were extremely close) - I got depressed and focused on him, and me - she didn't know how to take it when he died - she couldn't cope or comfort me in my time of need.  Thank you for all your help - this site has helped my understand true mental illness

[Clearmind]

That’s great you are working on your self worth and realizing you deserve to be happy. True self-worth is not judging other people/making someone else wrong in order to feel good about ourselves.

As a society we have been taught to look outside to define ourselves and for those feelings of worthiness – this is more ego driven rather than true self worth. It was this Ego that got me into my mess – I felt I could fix – I thought if I made him happy by doing all in sundry I would also be happy – what I understand now is that I don’t need to be ‘doing’ anything in particular for anyone to provide self worth – this is classic co-dependent behavior. As long as we look outside of ourselves/to another person for worth we are setting ourselves up as victims.

We could have all the money, properties, friends etc in the world and still not fulfil the void within. Ego-strength does not make us happy in the long term - it simply feeds our Ego. Borderlines have a tendency to feed our Ego until such time as we are discarded -then our Ego takes a nose dive and we end up at bpdfamily.com thinking "what the hell just happened".

Where do you see yourself in this r/s? Are you undecided?

All the best to you in your healing.

[cal644]

In all honesty - I currently do not see myself at all being able to heal this r/s - that's why I have truned it all over to God.  I can pray for my wife, still support her in a loving way from a distance, but I know that I am totally powerless right now.  She needs to find herself and learn to love herself and cure her wounds from her childhood/or at least address them.  That's what sucks for me - I am totally powerless.  I will help her in any loving way I can - but I can no longer be her complete source of love - heck I tried and I failed - I don't have enough within me to fill her cup and still keep mine full until she starts to close that whole in her cup.  Right now I'm giving her space so she can work with her T, I'm praying for her, but I've realized I can't be her life preserver.  Don't get me wrong - If she would say - I'll do what you ask - 1.quit the EA affair 2. goto counciling ... .  then I would probably take her back.  But right now I think the best thing I can do is let her be to find her own path.  that way when and if she is ever ready we can be on a better and more productive path to a true loving marriage.  The most humbling part for me is that I am totally worthless in any attempts to build back the relationship.  I am reading alot on this site, reading alot of books on co-dependancy, going to theropy, keeping involved with family and friends and church... .  so I am taking care of myself.  If nothing else comes out of this for my next r/s I will be a better man.