What are some words I can use with her to explain

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Hello all;

I am looking for a few good words or phrases I can use with my soon to be ex wife of 24 years. The split is necessary for many reasons as many of you here know. Since we had the initial conversation/discussion about going in different directions its like she thinks its a bad dream and she will wake up and the knight on the white horse will come riding back up to her. Its like she is numb and oblivious that the relationship is going to end. I don't hate her, in some ways I suppose I still love her. I will cherish the good times but I can't keep on going any more due to anxieties that are affecting my health  both mentally and physically What I am looking for if its even possible is some words or phrases to describe to her why we need to split permanently. I don't want to totally destroy her already fragile self worth and esteem.

I don't want to get into another "you said, I said" or you do this or that. I guess I am looking for big picture things I can say that tell the story but stays away from telling her what I really feel and that is she is the most difficult and un-predictable and emotionally needy person I have ever dealt with. Appreciate any and all comments

[ramble on]

Hello all;

I am looking for a few good words or phrases I can use with my soon to be ex wife of 24 years. The split is necessary for many reasons as many of you here know. Since we had the initial conversation/discussion about going in different directions its like she thinks its a bad dream and she will wake up and the knight on the white horse will come riding back up to her. Its like she is numb and oblivious that the relationship is going to end. I don't hate her, in some ways I suppose I still love her. I will cherish the good times but I can't keep on going any more due to anxieties that are affecting my health  both mentally and physically What I am looking for if its even possible is some words or phrases to describe to her why we need to split permanently. I don't want to totally destroy her already fragile self worth and esteem.

I don't want to get into another "you said, I said" or you do this or that. I guess I am looking for big picture things I can say that tell the story but stays away from telling her what I really feel and that is she is the most difficult and un-predictable and emotionally needy person I have ever dealt with. Appreciate any and all comments

[hithere]

One of the things I said that seemed to be received better than most is that I am not able to handle all the chaos and drama.  For some reason those didn't not register as that bad and she ever retorted that she handles things like that better than me.

[Surnia]

Hi ramble on

Talks like this are mostly difficult and painful. 

Are you familiar with the communication tools from the LESSONS on Staying? Validation, DEARMAN and SET could be useful.

Beside this I would stay with clear I-statements. And I would focus not so much on the past (I did this - you that) and more on the present or the future.

[lost007]

Yes. But how does one respond when he says"I can't live with all the chaos and drama", and she says"you love drama". She will say the drama is your fault. Even though we know that isn't true.

[turtle]

Since we had the initial conversation/discussion about going in different directions its like she thinks its a bad dream and she will wake up and the knight on the white horse will come riding back up to her.  

So... .  you had an initial conversation where you told her, right? What did you say then?

No one can really tell you how to handle things, but if it were me, if I really felt something else had to be said, I would stick to the script of that initial conversation - EVERY time.  Nothing more. Nothing less.

What I am looking for if its even possible is some words or phrases to describe to her why we need to split permanently.

If I read your post correctly, you've already stated this in the initial conversation.  When we keep explaining or adding more to what we've already said, it sends the message that this is a negotiation.  It isn't a negotiation, right?  

I'm sure there are many here who will disagree, but carrying on anymore conversations about why this has to happen won't help her "get it."   IMO, it will likely cause her to try to draw you right into the kind of conversations you don't want to have.  The ones that we all know go NO WHERE.

I don't want to get into another "you said, I said" or you do this or that. I guess I am looking for big picture things I can say that tell the story

Well... .  my best guess is that you've already told her the story... .  many times.  There comes a point where there's nothing left to say... .  and to continue trying to explain only makes it worse.  Is that where you are?

Yes. But how does one respond when he says"I can't live with all the chaos and drama", and she says"you love drama". She will say the drama is your fault. Even though we know that isn't true.

If you stop having all the conversations, you don't have to hear or respond to this stuff.

turtle

[ramble on]

I told her that we were dysfunctional and unhealthy. I told her I did not hate her but I was not in love anymore.  I told her that we really really needed to go in different directions. I told her it was not working for a whole lot of reasons. I told her that it sucked but I really felt it was for the best. 

I guess I am still looking for those magic words from somewhere. I guess I still feel I have not done enough even though I know I did far more than many people would have. I suppose I am suffering from a lot of the emotional drain that so many here have succumbed to.

What I am hearing here is that I have likely said the correct things and do not need to elaborate any further?

It is so nice to be able to post here and get the advice and take advantage of the experience here

[turtle]

I told her that we were dysfunctional and unhealthy.

I told her I did not hate her but I was not in love anymore. 

I told her that we really really needed to go in different directions.

I told her it was not working for a whole lot of reasons.

I told her that it sucked but I really felt it was for the best. 

Well... .  that about covers it, don't you think? 

I guess I am still looking for those magic words from somewhere. I guess I still feel I have not done enough even though I know I did far more than many people would have. I suppose I am suffering from a lot of the emotional drain that so many here have succumbed to.

What I am hearing here is that I have likely said the correct things and do not need to elaborate any further?

I

You've already said all the "magic words."  There are no words that are going to make her respond the way you want her to.

And yes... .  IMO... .  you don't need to elaborate any further.  If you have to speak with her about this... .  stick to your script. It's a good one!  ANY deviation from that script opens the door that you are trying to shut!

turtle

[ramble on]

I find it tough dealing with something when the normal rules don't apply. I guess thats why I keep second guessing myself lately.

An example of normal rules not applying is may professionals suggest that a person stay in touch with friends and to give themselves time away from the house and to pursue their interests. Unfortunately these are triggers for my stbxBPDw. And its not like I go away very often with friends to go fishing or golfing. That will change though when this is finally over...

Again thank you for the advice.

[turtle]

Well... .  what I've posted here is just my opinion.

I know there are others here who would give you a different opinion.  You should listen to that too and then decide for yourself what your best course of action is.

And as far as your activities being triggers for your stbxBPDw... .  for me... .  in the end... .  EVERYTHING was a trigger.  The mere fact that I was alive was a trigger.

When will your divorce be final?

turtle

[ramble on]

Turtle; It may be "just" your opinion but I think its very valid.  In your post you said that everything was a trigger, same here. Things I did or said many years ago is a trigger at times. You asked when divorce would be final, there is no divorce as we have lived in a common law relationship. So there is no legal need to get a formal divorce and go to court. Family Law in the province of Ontario is pretty clear on the rights of common law relationships.  We jointly own the house and therefore one person will buy out the other. If both parties dig in and refuse to move then a court will simply tell them to list it, sell it and split. Other than that division of assets is pretty simple. If you bought you keep it. If you bought it jointly then split the value. I will be giving her an offer that exceeds the legal requirements set out in family law. I am just hoping that she and her lawyer see that there will be nothing to gain and a lot of risk by refusing the offer based on emotions only.   If she accepts then we should be able to reach a formal signed agreement in the next month and hopefully she will out and gone by June. Then I can move forward and see what normal looks like. Then I can go out for a bit and not be watching the clock to make sure I'm not two minutes late coming home.

I did ask her to marry me many moons ago, on bended knee the whole bit. We had bought a house and I wanted to show her I loved her and would give her the stability of marriage. I think that set off feelings of engulfment, potential abandonment  and a whole lot of other things in her mind at least.

We never did marry, in fact she did absolutely nothing to plan a wedding. Never talked about it, in fact she used to say that we were in a strong relationship because we chose to stay in it without the bonds of a legal marriage. Eventually I thought well she seems happy, lets keep moving forward.  That was not to be however. I think somewhere in her mind she thought that we would live a storybook life and do nothing but cuddle on the couch and never leave each others sides. It just made her angry when I would do terrible things like build decks, landscape, renovate, fix her car, work for a living, golf a couple times a month, go curling on Saturday afternoon and not give her 100% of my time. I didn't love her, I didn't support her, I didn't look at her adoringly each and every moment... .    Its a roller coaster for sure, its not eggshells its a landmine.

I am blessed with great understanding friends, and what is left of my family is supportive as well.  I don't hate her and I wish her well and hope that somewhere or with someone she finds happiness. I doubt she will but it won't be my problem any more. I can hardly wait until the first day she is gone and I can sit in the backyard with a coffee and just totally relax again. I miss just sitting down with a smile on my face and feel contentment with life