What My T Says About Me

[nowwhatz]

Hi Everyone.

Maybe this will be helpful for some of the people who are really hurting here as I know I have been where you are.

After almost 1 year of going to the T and mostly discussing the issue of my uBPDexgf r/s  I asked my T some questions about myself.

I asked if she thought I had NPD, BPD, BP or any other emotional disorder.

She said "no, you are a normal person."

Then she said the main issue that I struggle with is a tendency to try to change things I have no power or ability to change. She said it is possible for me or anybody to provide "tools" to a person or situation which may help change an person or situation but only they or it can change itself.

She went on to say that I am often slow to realize that even though I may provide excellent "tools" for change... .  that I keep beating my head against the wall when it is obvious that probably nothing will change. ... .  and that leads to frustration, depression, hurt etc.

Anyways I thought that was insightful and maybe others here are doing the same.

In any event I was happy to know at least the T does not think I am crazy.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I can relate to this and something that helps me a lot is ACCEPTANCE.  Accepting that people only change if they want to...   Accepting that I cannot control another's person's life...   Accepting that I do have a bit of control over my own happiness...   Accepting that "everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment"...  

I learned much of this in 12-step recovery.  The Serenity Prayer helps me.  There is a part of the prayer that mentions "accepting the things I cannot change".  Peace.

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, your T is very insightful.  My relationship with my daughters has improved so much with letting go of telling them what to do and moving towards validating what they wanted to do.  I can't believe I used to have thoughts of, they can't think that way!  They shouldn't do that!  I learned in 12 step that we can't fix others, obviously we aren't good at fixing by looking at the mess in our own lives (the 12 step group members - we all had messy lives).  So easy to focus on others and let our own backyard go to heck.

[Rose Tiger]

I learned much of this in 12-step recovery.  The Serenity Prayer helps me.  There is a part of the prayer that mentions "accepting the things I cannot change".  Peace.

Jinx!  Buy me a coke! 

[maria1]

Hi Nowhatz and other posters- thanks for sharing this

It made me think of how often I hear people talk about other peoples problems by prefacing the sentence with:

'He/ she just needs to ... .  get therapy/stop drinking/ leave her/ do whatever'

Over the last couple of months it's struck me just how often I hear this and it's really winding me up! How is it up to anybody else to decide what another person needs to do to fix a problem. I used to do it all the time with my kids' father and I used to say it to my BPDex as in 'You need to... .  '.

We all need to butt out and tend to our own needs! Easier said than done but being aware that we are doing it really is half the battle I think.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Rose Tiger, May I buy you a virtual coke? 

I agree with other posters.  Another angle that helps me is giving the pwBPD (and others) the respect to live their lives how they choose... even if I disagree or think it is wrong.  Like Maria said, who am I to say what is right or wrong for someone else?  They are probably right where they need to be!  Progress usually does not occur without some pain, at least not for me!

[dharmagems]

I agree.  I did know that confronting my exuBPDh with having BPD probably wouldn't change anything.  I peaded with him to get help.  He said he doesn't have BPD, and with the strength I had, I had to "be the change I wanted to see".  I had to accept the situation and get enough courage and energy and file for divorce and deal with my anxieties of restructuring my life.

We can only change what is in our power to change.

[Lost_husband]

She said "no, you are a normal person."

In any event I was happy to know at least the T does not think I am crazy.

   Congrats!  I had the EXACT same thing said to me.  It was honestly the last thing I wanted to hear.  But after sinking in I am grateful.   

[Cumulus]

From the Mitford series book by Jan Karon, as best as I can remember. " you are not totally, completely and irrevocably responsible for everyone and everything. That's my job... .  God. "